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Thu Jan 1 14:39:56 2015
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Mon Jul 6 15:02:06 2015
Your TRUE soulmate wants to watch your burn out your life in front of Netflix, eating cheesecake with a spoon.
Tue Jul 7 14:38:32 2015
Think about it. Just, not for too long.
Wed Jul 8 14:38:33 2015
I await your hatemail.
Thu Jul 9 14:38:33 2015
Mmmm, that's the stuff.
Fri Jul 10 14:38:38 2015
Psychologist: OOH! A significant sample size!
Sat Jul 11 14:38:29 2015
This comic is an allegory for, of course, the 1896 presidential elections.
Sun Jul 12 14:38:34 2015
Oedipus Rex would be a great slapstick comedy.
Mon Jul 13 14:38:32 2015
PM me your nose pix plz.
Tue Jul 14 14:38:48 2015
Actually, just put my crotch behind that tree from now on.
Wed Jul 15 14:38:33 2015
We get a pretty random value from how much crying and gibbering it does.
Thu Jul 16 14:38:36 2015
Boy, I hope nobody needed that ambulance for anything.
Fri Jul 17 14:38:36 2015
And why don't equatorial people float?
Sat Jul 18 14:38:33 2015
OH GOD I thought it said soda law!
Sun Jul 19 14:38:39 2015
Looking back, the most rewarding thing was money.
Mon Jul 20 14:38:34 2015
Now, I need a Hall of the People built, with my face on it.
Tue Jul 21 14:38:59 2015
There is a lot of money to be made servicing the stupid.
Wed Jul 22 14:38:35 2015
Philosophy is dumb, unless it comes out of the mouth of a physicist.
Thu Jul 23 14:38:38 2015
I really just made this for the first panel.
Fri Jul 24 14:38:36 2015
In case of sentient bat, sow the seeds of discord.
Sat Jul 25 14:38:33 2015
What if we transform all questions to 'are you awful?'
Sun Jul 26 14:38:32 2015
There is no moral because there are no morals.
Mon Jul 27 14:38:39 2015
In fairness, my entire existence is an affectation.
Tue Jul 28 14:38:40 2015
There are also five stages to accepting that you're reading a meta-joke.
Wed Jul 29 14:38:38 2015
I'm just saying, the first person to get the dead to rise from the grave is gonna totally win the primaries.
Thu Jul 30 14:38:34 2015
Watch - I can make fun of every religion and get no hatemail, but when I write any amount of code...
Fri Jul 31 14:38:38 2015
That's the safe word!
Sat Aug 1 14:38:39 2015
In case you're wondering, yes, I would ace a test in smugness.
Sun Aug 2 14:38:35 2015
Still better than the time he got stuck as a wolfman.
Mon Aug 3 14:38:43 2015
This comic officially not in relation to anything.
Tue Aug 4 14:38:48 2015
Baby, let me crawl your fitness landscape.
Wed Aug 5 14:38:38 2015
Your move, people who aren't reductionists.
Thu Aug 6 14:38:30 2015
If parenting existed, it would be necessary to abolish it.
Fri Aug 7 14:38:36 2015
Best Musonius joke all week.
Sat Aug 8 14:38:30 2015
I don't care that we're barely out of a recession, start maxing out your credit cards!
Sun Aug 9 14:38:29 2015
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go kill off some weak baby gazelles.
Mon Aug 10 14:38:40 2015
Give! Give me power of attorney!
Tue Aug 11 14:38:38 2015
This is as close as I plan to get to making cat jokes.
Wed Aug 12 14:38:35 2015
Fortunately, the Sheriff of Nottingham is subject to regulatory capture.
Thu Aug 13 14:38:33 2015
No YOU'RE WRONG about thermodynamics.
Fri Aug 14 14:38:33 2015
The way poison works in Hamlet is TOTALLY unrealistic. I just couldn't get past that.
Sat Aug 15 14:38:31 2015
It's better this way.
Sun Aug 16 14:38:33 2015
There's a lot of networking to be done on the Dark Side.
Mon Aug 17 14:38:36 2015
Oh you just ASSUMED the humans were somewhere where humans can exist. Uh huh.
Tue Aug 18 14:38:35 2015
No I will NOT use a handcrank.
Wed Aug 19 14:38:45 2015
And it runs entirely on bio-ethanol!
Thu Aug 20 14:38:34 2015
Swing low, sweet chariot!
Thu Aug 20 17:38:35 2015
Swing low, sweet chariot!
Fri Aug 21 14:38:41 2015
With apologies to Massimo and to /r/stoicism.
Sat Aug 22 14:38:33 2015
All corrections to the above, please send to my brother Marty, who is to be blamed for my inadequate knowledge of computing.
Sun Aug 23 14:38:35 2015
And it smells... goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.
Mon Aug 24 00:38:32 2015
And it smells... goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.
Mon Aug 24 14:38:45 2015
Better put a little booze in there to mellow things out.
Tue Aug 25 14:38:38 2015
All telepaths are now employed by high-speed trading firms.
Wed Aug 26 14:38:38 2015
The fact that you read comics is both costly and puerile, you slut!
Thu Aug 27 14:38:41 2015
I'm going to the Kuiper Belt, where they know how to treat a lady!
Fri Aug 28 14:38:37 2015
More like... rock, paper, SINNERS.
Sat Aug 29 14:38:37 2015
Seriously, how did you expect this to go?
Sun Aug 30 14:38:43 2015
I welcome your bread puns on twitter @zachweiner.
Mon Aug 31 14:38:37 2015
Parsimony is for wimps.
Tue Sep 1 14:38:40 2015
The neat thing about lottery tickets is you can win money with them!
Wed Sep 2 14:38:35 2015
Someone told me it was impossible to write new lawyer jokes, so I just stole a realllllly old one.
Thu Sep 3 14:38:38 2015
As of this year, knowing is 95 percent of the battle.
Fri Sep 4 11:08:47 2015
Henceforth, agonized phrases will be referred to as X42N5.
Fri Sep 4 14:38:31 2015
Henceforth, agonized phrases will be referred to as X42N5.
Sat Sep 5 14:38:32 2015
The Society's meeting invitations are held deep deep underground in an insurance claims adjustment department.
Sun Sep 6 14:38:33 2015
Can we please have this? Please please please?
Mon Sep 7 14:38:41 2015
You are a delta, ELF.
Tue Sep 8 14:38:39 2015
You can't jail me! I'm just a character in a sleeping man's dream!
Wed Sep 9 14:38:53 2015
OH! OH! Also, they're fettered to ignorance. Like, literally.
Thu Sep 10 14:38:38 2015
Other than the silent part, this explains a lot of Internet behavior.
Fri Sep 11 14:38:31 2015
Still, this is the most current reference I've made all week.
Sat Sep 12 14:38:37 2015
I don't get helicopter parenting. Gliding drones can stay up WAY LONGER without refueling.
Sun Sep 13 14:40:03 2015
SHOOT ME! NOW! I'M ALREADY DEAD!
Mon Sep 14 14:38:38 2015
Personally, I consider this a pretty solid apocalypse.
Tue Sep 15 14:38:38 2015
The only down-side was the F.
Wed Sep 16 14:38:37 2015
I'm just saying, whenever we go to Mars, I'm not going on the first boat.
Thu Sep 17 14:38:36 2015
EAT MY HEAD OFF WHILE MY TORSO HAS SEX WITH YOU
Fri Sep 18 14:38:35 2015
If you had a better graphics card, I'd appear at work sooner.
Sat Sep 19 14:38:43 2015
I will never NEVER get tired of monster-under-the-bed jokes.
Sun Sep 20 14:38:37 2015
'Your feelings are stupid' is actually my family motto.
Mon Sep 21 08:38:30 2015
I *am* keeping the credit cards, though.
Tue Sep 22 08:38:32 2015
It's almost as if these people can't use logic.
Wed Sep 23 14:38:32 2015
I would be more open to your critique if it were expressed in radians.
Thu Sep 24 14:38:34 2015
Also, the T in Tetris is a wiener.
Fri Sep 25 14:38:31 2015
I hate you! I hate you!
Sat Sep 26 14:38:28 2015
We do skype together now and then.
Sun Sep 27 14:38:28 2015
I await your check, Fritos people.
Mon Sep 28 14:38:31 2015
WE'RE not judging your behavior. The machine is.
Tue Sep 29 14:38:33 2015
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Wed Sep 30 14:38:29 2015
The original draft of this comic was 12 panels long. Then I realized there was exactly one joke in it.
Thu Oct 1 14:38:28 2015
By the time I finished this comic, I was disgusted with myself.
Fri Oct 2 14:38:41 2015
Hey, at least she didn't give her the book on duck sex.
Sat Oct 3 14:38:30 2015
All philosophy comics are off the chart, down and to the right.
Sun Oct 4 14:38:33 2015
How am I the only one worrying about this?!
Mon Oct 5 14:38:29 2015
I believe Agnes was real, but never appeared on corporate form.
Tue Oct 6 14:38:30 2015
The most American ballet is PRO WRESTLING.
Wed Oct 7 14:38:27 2015
Kelly felt this one was too mean. I, on the other hand, feel nothing.
Thu Oct 8 14:38:36 2015
No more syntax for you. Only precious gurgling noises.
Fri Oct 9 14:38:29 2015
Tomorrow, Giraffe vs. Boat.
Sat Oct 10 14:38:26 2015
10 points to anyone who tries this.
Sun Oct 11 14:38:28 2015
Okay, fine, but Christmas is canceled.
Mon Oct 12 14:38:33 2015
In my original script, they passed a note. I am told this is no longer the protocol for finding out whether you like LIKE me.
Tue Oct 13 14:38:37 2015
The silk neckerchief bubble was a dandy catastrophe.
Wed Oct 14 14:38:28 2015
OKAY BUT SESAME STREET REALLY DID GET WORSE
Thu Oct 15 14:39:59 2015
The armadillo is actually a META-analogy for a cow, which is an analogy for flux.
Fri Oct 16 14:40:03 2015
If you go insane, you probably just exercise harder!
Sat Oct 17 14:38:31 2015
I'm just saying: TSA, you could be so much more.
Sun Oct 18 14:38:32 2015
A can also pass the Turing test by making people less human.
Mon Oct 19 14:38:32 2015
Time for the HATEMAIL BONANZA
Tue Oct 20 14:39:17 2015
And this graph on my back is the estimated value of the degree I'm most likely to get!
Wed Oct 21 14:41:03 2015
There, don't you feel better now?
Thu Oct 22 14:38:34 2015
AM I RIGHT?!
Fri Oct 23 14:38:39 2015
Those are the only two sentences the washing machine can say.
Sat Oct 24 14:38:34 2015
They also explain consciousness, climate, language, and time.
Sun Oct 25 14:38:27 2015
Great hair, though.
Mon Oct 26 14:39:34 2015
I see junkies everywhere now!
Tue Oct 27 14:38:29 2015
If doubly-hydrogenated oxygen gets into eyes, flush was oxygenated di-hydrogen.
Wed Oct 28 14:39:12 2015
I strangled it with my bare hands!
Thu Oct 29 14:38:27 2015
GET THAT QUANTUM COMPUTER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, MISS
Fri Oct 30 14:39:34 2015
Also, all of this is a simulation, but the simulated people want to live!
Sat Oct 31 14:38:26 2015
I can practically feel Massimo Pigliucci glowering at me through his monitor right now.
Sun Nov 1 14:39:56 2015
Don't worry. It broke my brain too.
Mon Nov 2 14:38:28 2015
Today's SMBC featuring backgrounds that were actually drawn with some care. Wow!
Tue Nov 3 14:38:38 2015
If I could get complaints from libertarians AND marxists, I would finally feel complete.
Wed Nov 4 14:38:31 2015
OH MY GOD I just realized we haven't accounted for relativity.
Thu Nov 5 14:40:06 2015
C'mon, I can't do induction jokes for an entire week.
Fri Nov 6 14:38:57 2015
GOD I HATE RAISINS
Sat Nov 7 14:38:30 2015
From which it is trivial to prove P=/=NP.
Sun Nov 8 14:38:29 2015
I'm off to a honeymoon to convince a couple they probably aren't soulmates!
Mon Nov 9 14:38:29 2015
This month will exclusively consist of involved math jokes and insultingly stupid puns.
Tue Nov 10 14:38:31 2015
Make the starshine upon the sea 3.1 percent more sublime.
Wed Nov 11 14:38:30 2015
WHY ARE WE LYING TO CHILDREN?!
Thu Nov 12 14:38:29 2015
Year 3: Let's install the oscilloscope.
Fri Nov 13 14:39:53 2015
Of course, the real question is whether the bees were alive before the shaking.
Sat Nov 14 14:38:24 2015
Actually, you don't collapse anything. You just observe one of a multitude of flavorverses.
Sun Nov 15 14:38:24 2015
I really can't think of any alt-text that isn't in poor taste.
Mon Nov 16 14:38:35 2015
I mean, maybe a sense of one's place in the universe also leads to happiness, but power is pretty great.
Tue Nov 17 14:38:32 2015
However, I am allowed to teach economics.
Wed Nov 18 14:39:03 2015
Weinersmith vs. WHO reporting, Round 1.
Thu Nov 19 14:38:33 2015
C'monnnnn well thought-out hatemail.
Fri Nov 20 14:38:33 2015
Seriously though, somebody explain this shit.
Sat Nov 21 08:38:34 2015
Seriously though, somebody explain this shit.
Sat Nov 21 14:38:28 2015
And a polynomial is just when you have more than one nomial.
Sun Nov 22 14:38:26 2015
Bonus joke about NP-Hard or NP-Complete problems is left as an exercise for the reader.
Mon Nov 23 14:38:31 2015
Also, birthdays will be replaced by nulldays in order to gather data.
Tue Nov 24 14:38:35 2015
Question: Can you used entangled photons to tell a batter to bunt?
Wed Nov 25 14:40:08 2015
Please note, I did not specify when the raise would occur.
Thu Nov 26 14:39:11 2015
Okay, but seriously google some UV pictures of flowers.
Fri Nov 27 14:38:31 2015
Like, what if one of us goes near a black hole?!
Sat Nov 28 14:38:27 2015
Wittgenstein in Short: Imagine a logician and a linguist did a lot of acid and then wrote exactly two books.
Sun Nov 29 14:38:28 2015
That friend of yours who says the comic is wrong? You know what to do.
Mon Nov 30 14:38:30 2015
If anyone makes fun of your necklace, you just tell them PH'NGLUI MGLW'NAFH CTHULHU R'LYEH WGAH'NAGL FHTAGN
Tue Dec 1 14:38:33 2015
Except for when I agree with the host. Then the guest is representative.
Wed Dec 2 14:38:31 2015
Oh dammit. They're gonna bring this up at the Pearly Gates, aren't they?
Thu Dec 3 14:38:35 2015
You think this hair curls itself? Huh? You think pony shoes grow on a fucking tree? Jesus Christ, Todd. I thought you were smart. But, you're just like all the others.
Fri Dec 4 14:38:26 2015
Hair-splitting is also deeply fulfilling.
Sat Dec 5 17:38:29 2015
DID MY ANALOGY ABOUT BEES MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!
Sun Dec 6 14:38:30 2015
We are all starstuff, except Grampa.
Mon Dec 7 11:21:33 2015
This is exactly how it works. No questions.
Mon Dec 7 14:38:28 2015
This is exactly how it works. No questions.
Tue Dec 8 14:38:28 2015
Dammit, I should've secured a sponsor before I posted this.
Wed Dec 9 14:38:44 2015
Also, I spent most of our savings on FLEEEESHHHHHHHHHHH.
Thu Dec 10 14:38:29 2015
GOD why are 8 year olds always talking about quantum mechanics?
Fri Dec 11 14:38:29 2015
10 internet points to the first person who does this.
Sat Dec 12 14:38:29 2015
Ironically, in the first draft of this comic, I misspelled Sullooshun.
Sun Dec 13 14:38:32 2015
thatBeardIsntFoolingAnyone
Mon Dec 14 14:38:27 2015
SMBC: Now 98% little girls talking about physics.
Tue Dec 15 14:38:33 2015
Wait, wait, can we teleport the threesome to me? Then only THEY die.
Wed Dec 16 14:38:42 2015
Anything I don't understand explains everything I don't understand.
Thu Dec 17 14:38:32 2015
Later, it turns out this was all the payoff to a Dad-prank.
Fri Dec 18 14:38:24 2015
Not to mention the difficulty of synchronizing your efforts with my once-per-solstice state of carnal arousal!
Sat Dec 19 14:38:29 2015
And lo, The Lord spake, saying, Let the fundamental equations contain an imaginary component.
Sun Dec 20 14:38:30 2015
PS: Make America Great Again
Mon Dec 21 14:40:03 2015
All old ladies wear pink Mother Hubbard dresses and sit in rocking chairs all the time.
Tue Dec 22 14:38:34 2015
Hallowed be thy name, Steve.
Wed Dec 23 14:38:43 2015
With apologies to anyone of good taste.
Thu Dec 24 14:38:25 2015
The really hard thing is to click the latch into place while the fabric of spacetime is being destroyed.
Fri Dec 25 14:38:27 2015
All language reduces to a finite string of Hitlers.
Sat Dec 26 14:38:30 2015
In fairness, part of the problem may be the use of pick-up scrolls.
Sun Dec 27 14:38:27 2015
All other axiomatic systems shall be referred to as The Systems of Darkness.
Mon Dec 28 14:38:31 2015
Update 9.1.2.001.241 has been a test of your loyalty.
Tue Dec 29 14:38:26 2015
Of course, a perfect simulation awaits the advent of the quantum computer.
Wed Dec 30 14:38:28 2015
Tries to write single panel comics, but comics too long.
Thu Dec 31 14:38:27 2015
Internet: Better communication AND more-informed people.
Fri Jan 1 14:38:28 2016
I'm gonna do some sign language ON YOUR FACE
Sat Jan 2 14:38:29 2016
Also, once Earth is destroyed, they'll stop making Transformers sequels.
Sun Jan 3 14:38:28 2016
BAM. I have cornered the market for comics aimed at skeptical developmental macroeconomists.
Mon Jan 4 14:38:32 2016
There are actually quite a few journals interested in Brian.
Tue Jan 5 14:38:31 2016
I recommend that children learn how to buy SMBC comics and attend BAHFest shows.
Wed Jan 6 14:38:31 2016
Please stick to the original plan, which you were going to stick to anyway. Amen.
Thu Jan 7 14:38:34 2016
I mean, it's a legitimate question in certain contexts.
Fri Jan 8 14:38:30 2016
One day I'll do a comic where the parent just comes in and comforts the kid.
Sat Jan 9 14:38:29 2016
Debate resolved.
Sun Jan 10 14:38:29 2016
Theory - sex evolved because there was nothing better to do on Sundays.
Mon Jan 11 14:38:50 2016
When the cops showed up, he reached into the horn and pulled out his own hand with its middle finger up.
Tue Jan 12 11:43:07 2016
And let's be honest - walkin' around all protestanty like that, some of them were askin' for it.
Wed Jan 13 14:38:34 2016
Anyway, goodbye. I have to let another sentient species know how pointless it all is.
Thu Jan 14 14:38:31 2016
The Golden Rule is actually about how long to fry a tortilla.
Fri Jan 15 14:38:30 2016
With notes of dextrose.
Sat Jan 16 14:38:30 2016
In summary, the 19th century was the same as now, but with more cloaks.
Sun Jan 17 14:38:26 2016
We're just meatbags, sweetie!
Mon Jan 18 14:38:30 2016
Curse you, Mrs. Jenkins!
Tue Jan 19 14:38:28 2016
It's important to know that happiness isn't PURELY about money.
Wed Jan 20 14:38:45 2016
Take me to the alien sex-goats is the title of my first memoir.
Thu Jan 21 09:03:28 2016
Thank you for browsing this funnybook on the Galactic Network.
Fri Jan 22 14:38:32 2016
SMBC merch is, of course, fine.
Sat Jan 23 14:38:31 2016
That third panel is the greatest panel I've ever drawn.
Sun Jan 24 17:38:29 2016
Also, happiness just keeps going up and up.
Mon Jan 25 14:38:33 2016
Thank you to the four of you who are amused.
Tue Jan 26 14:38:39 2016
We're living in a horrifying dystopia too. It's just hard to tell from the inside.
Wed Jan 27 14:38:29 2016
Every sociology education should start with an explanation of the Big Bang.
Thu Jan 28 14:38:29 2016
Sometimes I get bored twice, if you're up for it.
Fri Jan 29 14:38:27 2016
Behold! As the show continues, entropy inexorably increases!
Sat Jan 30 14:38:30 2016
Also comb your hair. That's not for revenge, but you should still do it.
Sun Jan 31 14:38:59 2016
Anyone wanna teach an ethics class called And Why is *This* SMBC Wrong?
Mon Feb 1 14:38:30 2016
I eagerly await your email about how, actually, the rock must contain radioactive elements.
Tue Feb 2 14:38:31 2016
But, when I look at bees, I don't see caste.
Wed Feb 3 14:38:37 2016
I am informed I have no idea what a fraternity is.
Thu Feb 4 14:38:33 2016
In order to have that one Monty Python sketch about a dead parrot, you must first invent mortality.
Fri Feb 5 14:38:34 2016
The fact that I'm depressed is a consequence of a singularity billions of years ago!
Sat Feb 6 14:40:10 2016
If you use toes, base-22 is more reasonable.
Sun Feb 7 14:39:16 2016
Now, let's have the talk about how individual effort may matter less than other people's inherent ability.
Mon Feb 8 14:38:32 2016
It can violate conservation of information, but it can't have rounded corners.
Tue Feb 9 14:40:19 2016
We need to stop enabling Saturn, you guys.
Wed Feb 10 14:38:30 2016
Seriously, you can write whole books using this technique.
Thu Feb 11 14:38:28 2016
Calm down Ghost of Christmas present. Please. You're drunk, and you're scaring us.
Fri Feb 12 14:38:30 2016
If you could work gravity waves into it, I'd appreciate that.
Sat Feb 13 14:38:27 2016
This is exactly how arms work.
Sun Feb 14 14:38:33 2016
Will you BEE enforcing that restraining order?
Mon Feb 15 14:38:28 2016
I still want one.
Tue Feb 16 14:40:03 2016
You gotta steal like nobody's watching, punch like you'll never be hurt, slander like there's nobody listening...
Wed Feb 17 14:38:32 2016
But there IS a finite number of humans.
Thu Feb 18 14:38:35 2016
Also, there's the Red Queen, who keeps moving while staying in the same place.
Fri Feb 19 14:38:31 2016
Pro Tip: Any quote that sounds pithy was either (A) never said by the person who supposedly said it, or (B) at least somewhat contradicted by the surrounding sentences in the original source.
Sat Feb 20 14:39:09 2016
Unicorns really need to let go of outmoded notions of purity.
Sun Feb 21 14:38:31 2016
You are all anti-undead bigots.
Mon Feb 22 14:38:33 2016
Also, beards evolved for doing the dishes.
Tue Feb 23 14:38:31 2016
This is why they live so long.
Wed Feb 24 14:38:39 2016
When there's no sound, the wall simply makes your own face, but with dead vacant eyes.
Thu Feb 25 14:38:40 2016
We also knocked out love, which is why you developed sex.
Fri Feb 26 14:38:31 2016
Actually, wait, I forgot to factor in three percent interest.
Sat Feb 27 14:41:29 2016
I await your hatemail, pertussis enthusiasts!
Sun Feb 28 14:38:30 2016
HE did not become man. SHE became beast.
Mon Feb 29 14:38:35 2016
Alternate method: Convert humans to hydrogen, float to space, reassemble.
Tue Mar 1 14:38:40 2016
Douse thy life in the ranch dressing of compassion!
Wed Mar 2 14:38:35 2016
Also there were fewer teenage pregnancies because nobody had invented the calendar.
Thu Mar 3 14:38:35 2016
And ye shall know the stink by its stank.
Fri Mar 4 14:38:37 2016
I'm just realizing I always give my jerk characters red hair. It's nice to see one's self-hatred manifested to plainly.
Sat Mar 5 14:40:04 2016
RUN! RUN! THE BUCKET IS REACTING WITH THE AIR!
Sun Mar 6 14:40:02 2016
IT'S NOT TOO LATE. WE CAN DO THIS. WE MUST DO THIS.
Mon Mar 7 14:38:34 2016
You will work hard, but your grandchildren will get to pretend to browse the internet for 7 hours and 45 minutes.
Tue Mar 8 14:38:34 2016
Willing to bet this results in more reader anger than that one time I did a comic about two Jesuses fighting to mate with a third Jesus.
Wed Mar 9 14:40:11 2016
I'm surprised nobody's quantified exactly how over-represented turtlenecks are in SMBC.
Thu Mar 10 14:38:38 2016
Oh, wow, your Mom's here too? This place is like a freakin' Wal-Mart.
Fri Mar 11 14:38:49 2016
GOD why are friends and relations FOREVER informing me of major life moments?
Sat Mar 12 14:38:36 2016
This statement shall not be construed as having or lacking meaning.
Sun Mar 13 14:38:35 2016
That said, if anyone wants to invent a food pellet machine for humans, I'll buy it.
Mon Mar 14 14:38:40 2016
In time, Weinersmith would come to feel regret over sparking the Great Conspiracy Theorist Uprising.
Tue Mar 15 14:38:38 2016
AND NOBODY CLEANS UNDER THE SEAT. NOBODY
Wed Mar 16 14:38:53 2016
Also your children like their stepfather better.
Thu Mar 17 14:38:43 2016
The highest utility of mathematics is ruining everything for everyone.
Fri Mar 18 14:38:37 2016
Scene from the sequel to Augie and the Green Knight.
Sat Mar 19 14:38:38 2016
Look, you can't argue with math.
Sun Mar 20 14:40:35 2016
Also, some of your friends will be more like a rundown playground than Disneyland.
Mon Mar 21 14:39:11 2016
Get PUMPED so you don't DESCEND into an abyss of DESPAIR!
Tue Mar 22 14:38:47 2016
Maybe this is what those Quantum Wellness people are talking about.
Wed Mar 23 14:38:41 2016
If you punish me again, I might lose the ability to use language.
Thu Mar 24 14:38:47 2016
In fact, by this standard, the New Testament is the least true of all religious documents.
Fri Mar 25 14:38:36 2016
Can you at least appreciate how clever my word choice was?
Sat Mar 26 14:38:38 2016
Do you want a sexy Earth or a DUD? HUH?
Sun Mar 27 14:40:20 2016
Oddly enough, I'm pretty sure this would work.
Mon Mar 28 14:40:26 2016
It's really important to me to do educational comics.
Tue Mar 29 14:38:54 2016
I'm a COOL MOM, and if you say otherwise you are GROUNDED.
Wed Mar 30 14:40:20 2016
We're both at fault, really. Me for cheating and you for using a human language that fails to capture all implicit assumptions.
Thu Mar 31 14:38:45 2016
I'm just realizing this is the followup to the happiness fairy comic.
Fri Apr 1 14:39:36 2016
Son?! I thought you'd died in the time machine!
Sat Apr 2 14:40:24 2016
This comic is set in an alternate universe where children care what their father thinks.
Sun Apr 3 14:38:33 2016
Basically, I think we should raise the level of discourse a few notches.
Mon Apr 4 14:38:52 2016
Of course, the downside is that if you give them the numbers to every lottery winning ticket, they apparently blow it all.
Tue Apr 5 14:38:39 2016
The important thing is that the lesson will last throughout your angry embittered lifetime.
Wed Apr 6 14:39:30 2016
Anyway, he was far less of a man than you.
Thu Apr 7 14:38:35 2016
Suckbook will not use your personal information for any reason, because if we even read it, we'd cringe so hard that we'd have nerve damage.
Fri Apr 8 14:40:07 2016
Anyone who doesn't like this comic for any reason is officially part of the COMIC POLICE.
Sat Apr 9 14:38:37 2016
The really scary thing will be when the computer can beat us at designing a computer that can beat us at designing a computer that can beat us at designing a computer to play chess.
Sun Apr 10 14:38:34 2016
Breaking News: Hastily drawn single panel cartoon overturns four generations of international policy.
Mon Apr 11 14:38:37 2016
He is, of course, forecasting today's Internet.
Tue Apr 12 14:38:43 2016
Keep her out of direct sunlight and if she gets fussy give her a trebuchet.
Wed Apr 13 14:38:34 2016
Now if we could just perfect the reusable first booster...
Thu Apr 14 14:38:40 2016
AND I don't need to pay a mortgage?
Fri Apr 15 14:38:35 2016
If this doesn't get some hatemail, well I guess I feel like you people aren't even trying.
Sat Apr 16 14:40:49 2016
The joke about flux pinning practically writes itself!
Sun Apr 17 14:38:38 2016
See, the problem is it would also be REALLY COOL if they could do it.
Mon Apr 18 14:38:35 2016
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I increase your sample set?
Tue Apr 19 14:38:37 2016
Of course, every time the cycle is completed it shifts right.
Wed Apr 20 14:38:39 2016
The solution to world hunger was so obvious that we never looked it square in the eyes.
Thu Apr 21 14:38:41 2016
Your homework today is to figure out a wish that would result in the above.
Fri Apr 22 14:38:53 2016
Wiener, wiener? Wiener wiener wiener wiener, wiener. Wiener, wiener wiener! Wiener wiener... wiener?
Sat Apr 23 14:38:38 2016
Let it never be said that Weinersmith stopped crapping all over people's hopes and dreams.
Sun Apr 24 14:38:34 2016
People ask if any of my comics are autobiographical. Usually, I say no...
Mon Apr 25 14:38:44 2016
Did a theme song just pop into your head? If so, you may already be lost.
Tue Apr 26 14:38:46 2016
Meanwhile, in the humanities, we would like to see a bit less whimsy.
Wed Apr 27 14:38:44 2016
Interestingly, YOU'RE getting dumber too!
Thu Apr 28 14:38:36 2016
They came from space and went to Portland.
Fri Apr 29 14:40:14 2016
Don't take this out of context, but I think eating babies would be a far more efficient means of resource conservation.
Sat Apr 30 14:40:05 2016
If you have two medical degrees, can you prescribe yourself twice as many painkillers?
Sun May 1 14:40:16 2016
This is the economy of the future.
Mon May 2 14:38:41 2016
I hope in the new Ghostbusters they grapple with the idea that they're taking human souls and placing them in an Earthly purgatory forever.
Tue May 3 14:38:40 2016
If not a single sparrow falls to the ground without your Father's knowledge, why doesn't he catch the damn thing?
Wed May 4 14:38:38 2016
So THAT'S why that mysterious guy in the park kept telling me that nothing is as it seems.
Thu May 5 14:38:39 2016
Well, it's very well organized, but see here where you wrote a 20,000 word indictment of God? That was supposed to just be a blank field.
Fri May 6 14:38:34 2016
I wonder if chemists feel bad that they're always left out of these sorts of jokes.
Sat May 7 14:38:33 2016
Stupid Darwin. Imagine how many babies we could have with butterfly tattoos.
Sun May 8 14:38:36 2016
It's time to take our children back from the Puppet Establishment.
Mon May 9 14:38:36 2016
I totally agree with you, Zach. And that's how I know the moon landing was fake.
Tue May 10 14:38:45 2016
ALL VARIABLES ARE DEPENDENT VARIABLES
Wed May 11 14:38:45 2016
Peril lurks behind every bacterial infection!
Thu May 12 14:38:43 2016
Dad! It's 3AM! I don't wanna paint the shed again!
Fri May 13 14:38:34 2016
I KNOW, I KNOW it isn't quite grammatically correct, BUT THIS IS HOW REAL PEOPLE TALK.
Sat May 14 14:38:42 2016
Yes, DC Comics, I think a 12 issues series would be enough to full explore... hello?
Sun May 15 14:38:36 2016
Okay, but this fanny pack is PACKIN' HEAT
Mon May 16 14:38:38 2016
Oh, wait, it's both.
Tue May 17 14:38:38 2016
Anyway, Happy New Years 2032!
Wed May 18 14:38:37 2016
All joy is fleeting, but now we can quantify that!
Thu May 19 14:38:46 2016
She's probably out there somewhere, but, man, kids are expensive.
Fri May 20 14:38:37 2016
About halfway to infinity, you find the word 'Seriously?'
Sat May 21 14:40:04 2016
Personally, I always like to start sex with an apology.
Sun May 22 14:38:36 2016
If we combine them with enough ethanol, perhaps we can precipitate them into an ambulance.
Mon May 23 14:38:40 2016
That said, if anyone DOES want to give me a million dollars to fail to make this product...
Tue May 24 14:38:37 2016
Also, you can tell humans from replicants, because a human will literally walk 10 miles to use an elevator instead of stairs.
Wed May 25 14:38:45 2016
Is there a Moore's law for bleakness?
Thu May 26 14:38:35 2016
Once you realize there is no hope, you can relax and just enjoy the progress in machine learning.
Fri May 27 14:38:37 2016
As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself to be a REAL BOY!
Sat May 28 14:38:34 2016
This comic was posted in order to increase my social status, acquire wealth, and thus improve the reproductive fitness of my offspring.
Sun May 29 14:38:30 2016
I just wish your sister would settle down one day and emit some self-replicating positronium assemblages.
Mon May 30 14:38:34 2016
Somehow, I feel like this comic says something deep about my generation.
Tue May 31 14:39:29 2016
I'm just realizing the Venn diagram for people who know the reference and people who like the joke is a null set.
Wed Jun 1 14:38:32 2016
On the other hand, God never bathes...
Thu Jun 2 14:38:37 2016
I mean, you can't kill a mammoth without doing a few differential equations.
Fri Jun 3 14:38:42 2016
At least tell me it only works in computer models!
Sat Jun 4 14:38:38 2016
Someday, alien intelligences will come and wonder why we thought hoarders were the crazy ones.
Sun Jun 5 14:40:07 2016
SMBC continues in its quest to make jokes that nobody could possibly enjoy.
Mon Jun 6 14:40:05 2016
People on the left and right have never been so CUT.
Tue Jun 7 14:40:10 2016
Oh, and thank you for birthing me into a period of human history in which natural selection is really really forgiving.
Wed Jun 8 14:40:07 2016
Now you'll have to go back to your middle class job! HAHAHAHAHA!
Thu Jun 9 14:40:19 2016
A physicist would figure out how the Goose was transmuting elements without getting to a high temperature, then use the trillions of dollars to build a really sweet fleet of quadcopters.
Fri Jun 10 14:40:09 2016
I just spent 10 minutes trying to come up with a 'beat the market' pun, and I give up.
Sat Jun 11 14:40:06 2016
Life rule: Never do anything you've done more than 3 times already.
Sun Jun 12 14:38:38 2016
I mean, wouldn't that just be downright terrifying?
Mon Jun 13 14:38:35 2016
This is the appropriate response to any form of nostalgia.
Tue Jun 14 14:39:22 2016
Weinersmith was given a prominent position as the primary Quisling in the Robot Wars.
Wed Jun 15 14:39:14 2016
In retrospect, it was so cheap. Only 30,000 a year for people to care about your opinion on art history!
Thu Jun 16 14:38:49 2016
I'm just saying, nowhere in the LAW does it say anything about using CRISPR-Cas9 on your children.
Fri Jun 17 14:38:38 2016
The key to a solid relationship is winning all the time.
Sat Jun 18 14:38:34 2016
Kelly said my description was slightly wrong, but my artistic spirit must soar beyond her.
Sun Jun 19 14:40:04 2016
Of course, when you're a cartoonist, all you get asked about is why you're not in the papers.
Mon Jun 20 14:38:36 2016
I promise - when the kids aren't talking about philosophy, I let them play hopscotch and eat cake.
Tue Jun 21 14:38:51 2016
I admit it's unlikely that I am a terrorist, but we shouldn't rule out the possibility.
Wed Jun 22 14:38:37 2016
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW FILIBUSTERS WORK
Thu Jun 23 17:38:46 2016
Until you teach someone calculus, they can't even walk finite distances. But they can get reallllllly close.
Fri Jun 24 14:38:38 2016
'For a variety of reasons' is a great response to any joke that starts with a question.
Sat Jun 25 14:38:38 2016
It's amazing how many trophies your peers got. They must've really been special.
Sun Jun 26 08:38:36 2016
Sun Jun 26 14:38:35 2016
Mon Jun 27 14:38:40 2016
Tue Jun 28 14:38:35 2016
Tue Jun 28 17:13:37 2016
I'm quirky!
Wed Jun 29 14:38:51 2016
I think there might've been some possum DNA in there, but that's only conjecture.
Thu Jun 30 14:38:50 2016
If the universe is fine-tuned for douchey behavior, does that prove that there is a dickish Creator?
Fri Jul 1 14:40:07 2016
Try counting bunker rats! Then we'll know how much food is left.
Sat Jul 2 14:40:14 2016
This comic is a love letter to future me.
Sun Jul 3 14:38:38 2016
Wait, I've got it - are the sheep the proletariat?
Mon Jul 4 14:38:36 2016
Then, one day, Jesus Chrysler will come.
Tue Jul 5 14:38:38 2016
In some ways, I never left the Laundry Wars. I can still smell the killing fields now, fabric softener mingling with sweetly rotten blood. In the daylight you could hear the WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA of the washing machine, but from basecamp it seemed like a dream. But, in the night, in the quiet, the WUBBA WUBBA came from inside your own head - closer than reality ever could be.
Wed Jul 6 14:38:51 2016
Tell you what - let's make a universe of stuff and see how the beings there feel. I'll set it so it grows more entropic over time, in case things get weird.
Thu Jul 7 14:38:43 2016
That was the point of that truism, right?
Fri Jul 8 14:38:48 2016
Also we can use rovers to put Mickey Mouse ears on all of the Moon's craters.
Sat Jul 9 14:38:35 2016
We at SMBC anticipate that we will have ruined all fables some time during August 2023.
Sun Jul 10 14:38:40 2016
Hmm, what if we paid someone to raise animals and kill them? A sort of... contract killer for cows, if you will.
Mon Jul 11 14:38:38 2016
I have another pair that I used as a ninja mask, and another that I used as a slingshot, and I have a set of 48,000 that I used to make a fort.
Tue Jul 12 14:38:35 2016
I can't be blamed for my views. I trusted the loudest man on TV. Why would he be so loud if he weren't right?
Wed Jul 13 14:38:57 2016
Also, I only wash the top part of plates then I put them DIRECTLY on top of other plates in the cupboard.
Thu Jul 14 14:38:40 2016
First person to run naked in a polyester balaclava this winter gets 4 Internet points.
Fri Jul 15 14:38:42 2016
Hey wait, let's use their bodies as batteries for a giant computer. Ha! Just kidding, that's literally the worst way to do that.
Sat Jul 16 14:38:34 2016
Hey, are you okay, man?
Sun Jul 17 14:38:31 2016
Today we will be exploring the realm of Crap-Numbers, denoted by the letter Crap-N
Mon Jul 18 14:38:39 2016
GET IN THE CHOPPER!
Tue Jul 19 14:38:37 2016
Of course if someone half your age laughs at you, then it's time to reach for the poison.
Wed Jul 20 14:38:41 2016
Now then, back to my job in finance.
Thu Jul 21 14:40:37 2016
Honestly, on a strictly empirical basis I have trouble with the concept of Me.
Fri Jul 22 14:38:38 2016
Curses! She's discovered my hidden intentions!
Sat Jul 23 14:38:36 2016
Of course, it actually looks more like a monkey
Sun Jul 24 14:38:43 2016
I dare anyone to try this.
Mon Jul 25 14:38:46 2016
We need to continue collecting data right until the moment that I appear to be right.
Tue Jul 26 14:38:46 2016
I can't believe I confused Steve for Vortigrex the Lightbringer.
Wed Jul 27 14:38:44 2016
Professor X's kid is REALLY good at reading lips and Wolverine's children recover from bruises 20% faster than average.
Thu Jul 28 14:38:42 2016
Luckily, all of human history can be explained by this one thing. What are the odds!?
Fri Jul 29 14:40:34 2016
In fact, I'm not even in this bed right now.
Sat Jul 30 14:38:48 2016
Now, if we could just get everyone together to agree on a universal standard...
Sun Jul 31 14:38:44 2016
Who says game theory isn't useful in real life?
Mon Aug 1 14:38:46 2016
Do good masochists go to Hell?
Tue Aug 2 14:38:47 2016
It's actually pretty easy to solve for sex since there's literally only one move. Right?
Wed Aug 3 14:38:47 2016
Look, they can't all be philosophy jokes, okay?
Thu Aug 4 14:39:05 2016
We've been trained. All of us.
Fri Aug 5 14:40:12 2016
Fortunately, people are still prepared to pay extra for vintage wine.
Sat Aug 6 14:40:10 2016
Anything you do badly enough could be considered a superpower.
Sun Aug 7 14:38:42 2016
With apologies to the LRO team and Apollo 17.
Mon Aug 8 14:38:56 2016
Fun fact: Pastors are always available for on the spot theological discussions.
Tue Aug 9 14:38:56 2016
Reasonable is when you agree that I'm right!
Wed Aug 10 14:38:42 2016
See that sword for a democratic republic? Let's slowly push it back into the stone.
Thu Aug 11 14:38:43 2016
Parenting is the most effective way to achieve self-righteousness outside of a college discussion group.
Fri Aug 12 14:39:09 2016
OH MY GOD THEY'RE SELF-REPLICATING
Sat Aug 13 14:38:43 2016
Fortunately, as she ages, she will become more porous.
Sun Aug 14 14:38:43 2016
When you finish the last panel, return to the beginning.
Mon Aug 15 14:38:45 2016
And don't call me Mom, either.
Tue Aug 16 14:38:43 2016
On the other hand, if *I* never existed...
Wed Aug 17 14:38:55 2016
I'm not sure they're suffering, but I'd like to think they are.
Thu Aug 18 14:39:36 2016
And if you can get your extended family suffering, now you're really doing it right.
Fri Aug 19 08:39:16 2016
Those who do not read history are better liked by their kids.
Sat Aug 20 14:38:43 2016
The opposite of Dunning-Kruger isn't that great either.
Sun Aug 21 14:38:42 2016
Honestly, you could've just mumbled something about arduino and I would've done it.
Mon Aug 22 14:38:48 2016
The second best revenge is killing the guy.
Tue Aug 23 14:39:18 2016
This is why I randomly generate an ethical system every morning.
Wed Aug 24 17:38:52 2016
What I do is a draw pictures and people look at the pictures and they like the pictures and so I draw more pictures.
Thu Aug 25 14:38:56 2016
On the plus side, the afterlife plan is pretty solid.
Fri Aug 26 14:39:04 2016
The phrase 'but the all-seeing eye sees all' is actually a great interjection at any point in any conversation.
Fri Aug 26 20:39:42 2016
The phrase 'but the all-seeing eye sees all' is actually a great interjection at any point in any conversation.
Sat Aug 27 14:39:05 2016
Also, everyone's just pretending Xavier is psychic.
Sun Aug 28 14:38:43 2016
I mean, whatever happened to 'the show must go on' ?
Mon Aug 29 14:41:18 2016
Once we bring in quantum mechanics, all actions are potentially judgeable.
Tue Aug 30 14:39:52 2016
In economics, they're robots. In political economy, they're all jerks. In sociology, they're all misunderstood.
Wed Aug 31 14:40:01 2016
I am consumed by the fire I set myself. Well, blow me down!
Thu Sep 1 14:39:24 2016
I bet you've engaged in... applications.
Fri Sep 2 14:39:33 2016
Now, let's have the Mark Twain talk and the Albert Einstein talk.
Sat Sep 3 14:39:10 2016
And if you wanna see some reallllll freaky business, talk to Cultural Evolution.
Sun Sep 4 14:39:44 2016
Once every ten sentences, raise your voice to a high pitch, so as to recall to your mind the days of childhood.
Mon Sep 5 14:38:47 2016
Sorry, you're not allowed to be a plumber until you've completed 14,000,000 hours of apprentiveship.
Tue Sep 6 14:38:43 2016
Best Mega-Pi catch phrase sent to me on twitter gets 314 Internet Points.
Wed Sep 7 14:38:45 2016
I'm just saying, it's what WE would do.
Thu Sep 8 14:38:45 2016
Oh wait, wait! We need to do Mars.
Fri Sep 9 14:38:39 2016
Actually, if we eliminated the whole universe...
Sat Sep 10 14:38:38 2016
I AM CREATING YOUR REPLACEMENT!
Sun Sep 11 14:38:45 2016
Oh, you thought I had any emotional vulnerabilities? That's sweet. I guess you have those, but I don't.
Mon Sep 12 14:38:41 2016
Well, that escalated slowly.
Tue Sep 13 14:38:52 2016
You're Off This Case
Wed Sep 14 14:38:46 2016
Screw it. I'm gonna go steal some souls from kids playing D&D.
Thu Sep 15 14:39:02 2016
Don't worry. We'll be back to existential horror soon enough.
Fri Sep 16 14:38:43 2016
Later, Superman steals the suit, retreats to the Fortress of Solitude and spends the rest of his days in self-flagellation.
Sat Sep 17 14:40:12 2016
I am merely a conduit for all the most insightful notions in the history of humanity.
Sun Sep 18 14:38:40 2016
Today's comic based on a thing Kelly said, which we will probably inflict on our children.
Mon Sep 19 14:40:22 2016
Woops! I blew out the candle. I guess I must Command Fire.
Tue Sep 20 14:38:47 2016
I actually do wonder how this sort of thing will work when someone inevitably creates the 'everyone is naked' filter.
Wed Sep 21 14:38:44 2016
Written in the hopes that Cyanide and Happiness didn't do this joke first.
Thu Sep 22 14:38:45 2016
This comic shamelessly derived from a conversation with Abby Howard, who is the best young cartoonist in the world.
Fri Sep 23 14:38:48 2016
Would you rather steal bread to feed a starving family, or eat a bowl of pig eyeballs?
Sat Sep 24 14:38:36 2016
Ah, crap. The humans have gone bad. Better craigslist them.
Sun Sep 25 14:38:53 2016
Though, hopefully your kids don't drink as much as research scientists.
Mon Sep 26 14:38:43 2016
Please oh please don't let the Internet take this the wrong way.
Tue Sep 27 14:40:24 2016
Terribly sorry. The fourth wall is being reconstructed tonight and should be ready to go tomorrow morning.
Wed Sep 28 14:38:37 2016
Networks: I am prepared to direct this pilot at a moment's notice.
Thu Sep 29 14:38:51 2016
I new I should've gotten hamsters instead.
Fri Sep 30 14:38:39 2016
To generalize, I am high on eukaryotes.
Sat Oct 1 14:38:39 2016
Slowly but without faltering, SMBC became entirely comics about misbegotten wishes.
Sun Oct 2 14:38:43 2016
The other secret ingredient is nicotine!
Mon Oct 3 14:38:53 2016
But it's so lifelike. Except its hair wish is clearly made of wax.
Tue Oct 4 14:40:38 2016
We can sell off all of the zeroes to China, then rebrand ourselves as a company specializing in the use of ones.
Wed Oct 5 14:38:44 2016
Dude, have You actually read this thing?
Thu Oct 6 14:38:40 2016
This result only holds for Euclidean fablespace.
Fri Oct 7 14:38:43 2016
Just once, I wanna see Tim Cook come out on stage and just scream at the top of his lungs for 10 minutes while the new specs are displayed.
Sat Oct 8 14:39:30 2016
Punishment
Sun Oct 9 14:38:53 2016
Well then, let's just construct prosthetic thumbs, and... shit, no thumbs.
Mon Oct 10 14:38:45 2016
Please make your contributions in red and tweet them to @zachweiner.
Tue Oct 11 14:38:40 2016
Yes, this is exactly how immunity works.
Wed Oct 12 14:38:48 2016
If you look back at the original clay tablet, there's a watermark for 9gag at the bottom.
Thu Oct 13 14:38:37 2016
I will never stop beating this trope to death.
Fri Oct 14 14:38:39 2016
Oh neat! It feeds on its own self, then grows larger
Fri Oct 14 20:38:37 2016
Oh neat! It feeds on its own self, then grows larger
Sat Oct 15 14:38:49 2016
DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AWAY FROM ME!
Sun Oct 16 14:38:38 2016
Later, it turns out Patient-Man and Existential-Crisis-Man are the same person.
Mon Oct 17 14:38:41 2016
Also, negative infinity plus positive infinity results in zero infinity.
Tue Oct 18 14:38:38 2016
I SWEAR IT MAKES SENSE
Wed Oct 19 14:38:43 2016
Wow! I get so much more respect now that you're dead!
Thu Oct 20 14:38:43 2016
This method can be used on anything bad about human existence!
Fri Oct 21 14:40:33 2016
Yeah... yeah... THAT'S why my hands are so strong.
Sat Oct 22 14:38:36 2016
Terrible News
Sun Oct 23 14:38:37 2016
Time for me to lock in the erotic linguistics audience.
Mon Oct 24 14:38:43 2016
When will someone finally invent sour straws with pointy chips and Cap'n Crunch embedded in them?
Tue Oct 25 14:38:42 2016
Now, it's time to create a pig that can fly.
Wed Oct 26 14:38:44 2016
I really feel there's an entire field to be had by bringing together literature and economics. Like, does anyone else side with Scrooge during that scene where his nephew asks him to contribute to an unevaluated charity.
Thu Oct 27 14:38:46 2016
Actually, you know what? Let's just put him on a boat, push it into the sea, and light the damn thing on fire.
Fri Oct 28 14:38:37 2016
First person to email me saying logic is prior to math will... you know... probably get a polite response.
Sat Oct 29 14:38:37 2016
Personally, I'm looking forward to it.
Sun Oct 30 14:38:38 2016
This comic dedicated to John McWhorter.
Mon Oct 31 14:38:40 2016
On the other hand, without adventurers, the entire brigand economy would collapse.
Tue Nov 1 14:38:37 2016
People who are more self-aware tend to buy SMBC merchandise.
Tue Nov 1 22:38:42 2016
People who are more self-aware tend to buy SMBC merchandise.
Wed Nov 2 14:38:39 2016
Is this the comic that finally gets me all the sweet sweet hatemail I crave?
Thu Nov 3 14:38:37 2016
At this point, she tosses her hair and giggles.
Fri Nov 4 14:38:39 2016
Studying social science has completely obliterated my ability to enjoy pleasant human behaviors.
Sat Nov 5 14:38:44 2016
Also, Hemingway sold sewing machines with the slogan 'Isn't it pretty to think sew!'
Sun Nov 6 14:38:40 2016
The set of all numbers that don't have a pretty symbols are hereafter renamed Weinersmith Numbers.
Mon Nov 7 14:38:36 2016
I'm a doctor, not a nihilist!
Tue Nov 8 14:39:24 2016
STOP READING COMICS AND GO VOTE
Wed Nov 9 14:38:39 2016
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Thu Nov 10 14:38:40 2016
The important thing is to find the low low bar that works for YOU.
Fri Nov 11 14:38:41 2016
Leprechauns give one wish, genies give three. How come nobody gives two wishes?
Sat Nov 12 14:38:35 2016
Eventually, I'll have enough John Searle comics to release a collection.
Sun Nov 13 14:38:40 2016
If I were you, I'd focus less on algebra and more on seeking public office.
Mon Nov 14 14:38:37 2016
I searched on google, and apparently these exist.
Tue Nov 15 14:38:38 2016
How does this never come up in fairy tales?
Wed Nov 16 14:38:42 2016
Annnnnd now I'm kicking myself for missing a pun on the word minority.
Thu Nov 17 14:38:48 2016
I'm suddenly wondering if I should've cut this one off after panel 4.
Fri Nov 18 14:38:41 2016
Someone needs to invent a USB rubber duck that just tells you that you're garbage.
Sat Nov 19 14:38:38 2016
Okay, try wrapping it in duct tape.
Sun Nov 20 14:38:43 2016
Or we could throw up mirror particles to reflect sunlight to space and our shameful reflections back at us.
Mon Nov 21 14:38:40 2016
I guess this is the week of dirty jokes.
Tue Nov 22 14:38:51 2016
Nah, I'm kidding. You'll mostly be filling out grant applications.
Tue Nov 22 22:38:39 2016
Nah, I'm kidding. You'll mostly be filling out grant applications.
Wed Nov 23 14:38:55 2016
You know what? We are NO LONGER best friends.
Thu Nov 24 11:26:55 2016
Okay, quick, let's switch them all to kale so we can claim they're grass-fed.
Fri Nov 25 14:38:43 2016
I mean, technically we're only using the top half of the adjunct. Why do we have to pay for the whole thing?
Sat Nov 26 14:38:39 2016
BEEP BEEP BEEP
Sun Nov 27 14:38:40 2016
I'm just gonna say, I'm really happy with how the inking on the sun came out.
Mon Nov 28 14:38:40 2016
The good news, Billy, is that people who intuit these theories are paid lots of money, so they'll never ever stop!
Tue Nov 29 14:38:42 2016
I too am creeped out by the facemask.
Wed Nov 30 14:38:36 2016
Too soon?
Thu Dec 1 14:38:57 2016
Before you write me an email asking 'what about the middle class,' please understand that I want this comic to still be relevant in 50 years.
Fri Dec 2 14:38:38 2016
The other way to solve this paradox is to note that barbers don't shave people anymore.
Fri Dec 2 17:38:36 2016
The other way to solve this paradox is to note that barbers don't shave people anymore.
Sat Dec 3 14:38:39 2016
But seriously, if you know anyone who could deliver that, I still have a few days to live.
Sun Dec 4 14:38:35 2016
I wonder if there are time-reversed civilizations where everything gets more and more orderly, but then you get crushed.
Mon Dec 5 14:38:38 2016
All I'm saying is that it fits the data. What else do you need?
Tue Dec 6 14:38:39 2016
I'm kicking myself for not having Pumpkin Spice Atrocity.
Wed Dec 7 14:38:39 2016
I will never understand why existentialists eat salad.
Thu Dec 8 14:38:42 2016
I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.
Fri Dec 9 14:38:38 2016
If you're wondering why it doesn't make noise when the dad holds it, it's because all dads are dead inside.
Fri Dec 9 22:38:34 2016
If you're wondering why it doesn't make noise when the dad holds it, it's because all dads are dead inside.
Sat Dec 10 14:38:35 2016
I wonder if you could design a Telephone app that'd make the game better by ensuring perfect quality transmission.
Sun Dec 11 14:38:39 2016
Oh hey, if I make it artistic in the last panel, I don't even have to draw a background. Or legs!
Mon Dec 12 14:38:34 2016
God: Did you know you can TRIPLE the amount of anything, using this special constant called Three?
Tue Dec 13 14:38:37 2016
If you're not familiar with the letter, it's Greek. They called it 'backwardsthreeos.'
Wed Dec 14 14:38:39 2016
Somewhere in the multiverse, there's a superior universe where all comics are this dorktastic.
Thu Dec 15 14:38:43 2016
Some day, we will go beyond this little blue planet, spanning the stars, numbering in the trillions, and we will keep AI at bay by making it do all the paperwork.
Fri Dec 16 14:38:39 2016
Oh, woops, I meant to write 'the solution is trivial.'
Sat Dec 17 14:38:45 2016
Twist: Below the last panel, his body is exploded. He is hallucinating as he dies.
Sun Dec 18 14:38:39 2016
Poems are remarkably low on accuracy.
Mon Dec 19 14:38:47 2016
I wonder if statisticians are more likely to die in unlikely situations.
Tue Dec 20 14:38:45 2016
How am I the only one who has connected all the dots?!!
Wed Dec 21 14:38:37 2016
In my earlier version, the high quantity of rice shatters the chessboard, technically eliminating all squares.
Thu Dec 22 14:38:43 2016
They die frustrated, which is the mathematician version of happiness.
Fri Dec 23 14:38:39 2016
'Why is the alien an abstract circle thing?' Because it's easier to draw than an abstract square thing.
Sat Dec 24 14:38:41 2016
THRILL as he and his husband never quite find time to make that trip to Paris.
Sun Dec 25 14:38:52 2016
Fortunately, there aren't any Evil Nietzcheans.
Mon Dec 26 14:39:00 2016
Today's comic featuring my brother, Greg Weiner (the Greg Weiner who isn't an erotic photographer).
Tue Dec 27 14:38:49 2016
Now that we have big dongs, let us return to Mother Ocean.
Wed Dec 28 14:38:39 2016
Death - if you're reading this, I'm prepared to do what you need.
Thu Dec 29 14:38:38 2016
WANNA GO WITH ME AND CLEAN MY HOUSE?
Fri Dec 30 14:38:38 2016
99% of gifts from God are gag gifts.
Sat Dec 31 14:38:37 2016
I think that one panel is the prettiest thing I've ever drawn about wearing someone else's skin.
Sun Jan 1 14:38:36 2017
I'm just saying, the marginal utility of a dollar would be way higher if Scrooge sent that goose to Bengal.
Mon Jan 2 14:38:38 2017
Actually, pretty much everything beyond intro calculus is run by goblins.
Tue Jan 3 14:40:13 2017
Extending the logic a bit, Cartooning is the most scientific discipline of all.
Wed Jan 4 14:38:44 2017
The latest management books say gamification makes employees happy. So, since you're not happy, I take it you're not an employee.
Thu Jan 5 14:38:39 2017
When Telepathic Social Media happens, I'm becoming a Morlock.
Fri Jan 6 14:38:42 2017
Really, social scientists should be avoided in polite society.
Sat Jan 7 14:38:40 2017
Zach forgot to update his own website . So hey, it's Kelly! Hi, everyone!
Sun Jan 8 14:39:32 2017
FIGHT ME, INTERNET
Mon Jan 9 14:38:41 2017
Of course, I personally would never go out in the cold.
Tue Jan 10 14:41:47 2017
I'm just saying, we don't know this isn't what happened.
Wed Jan 11 14:38:43 2017
Zach Weinersmith was relentlessly dedicated to intellectual comedy.
Thu Jan 12 14:38:42 2017
Hey venture capitalists! I have an idea: New social media that ONLY shows you things that allow you to wallow in misery. As far as I can tell, that's what people want anyway.
Fri Jan 13 14:38:42 2017
Later, God becomes a Wiccan.
Sat Jan 14 14:38:43 2017
And those shoes. Do you really need nice shoes?
Sun Jan 15 14:38:45 2017
The answer is zero.
Mon Jan 16 14:38:44 2017
Maybe we should pick a fight with Superman?
Tue Jan 17 14:38:50 2017
I think 'anomie' more or less rhymes with 'shake them cheeks.'
Wed Jan 18 14:38:44 2017
I still don't understand why nobody in the Bible ever says 'Holy shit, a talking snake!'
Thu Jan 19 14:38:41 2017
Oh, weird. The soul doesn't want to return to a boy with an untidy room.
Fri Jan 20 14:38:45 2017
I swear to you - our bond was only emotional and physical, never contractual like what you and I have!
Sat Jan 21 14:38:52 2017
We must imprison his acolytes before they can make a martyr of him. Else, this brief time of peace shall be ova.
Sun Jan 22 14:38:40 2017
Oh wait, there it is. ...ew.
Mon Jan 23 14:38:48 2017
That desk is suuuuuper versatile.
Tue Jan 24 14:38:43 2017
This theory does not apply to comics.
Wed Jan 25 14:38:41 2017
We're also the only species that uses decorative hand-towels.
Thu Jan 26 14:39:01 2017
You guys like to eat noble metals, right?
Fri Jan 27 14:38:38 2017
All I'm saying is that we can't rule it out completely.
Sat Jan 28 14:38:37 2017
You can do WAY better than 30 pieces of silver if you use the information well.
Sun Jan 29 14:38:41 2017
You'll be happy to know that we've proven love to be a lie!
Mon Jan 30 14:38:39 2017
It's okay because technically they aren't people.
Tue Jan 31 14:38:42 2017
At the end of the Universe, all series will converge.
Wed Feb 1 14:38:43 2017
I have an idea for a romantic comedy called 'idiotic narcissists will probably get a divorce soon.'
Thu Feb 2 14:38:49 2017
A lot of physics makes sense if you imagine it's designed by a tech billionaire with a confusing vision.
Fri Feb 3 14:38:38 2017
Just kidding. That horrifying thing you're into is perfectly normal.
Sat Feb 4 14:38:39 2017
I am prepared to write comics for our alien conquerors.
Sun Feb 5 14:38:40 2017
Finally, someone brave enough to tell the truth about our hypocrisy as to the topic of formality in language.
Mon Feb 6 14:38:40 2017
I hope it's backward compatible with Judaism.
Tue Feb 7 14:38:44 2017
You come to a mysterious island where everyone always tells the truth...
Wed Feb 8 14:38:35 2017
This is one of those comics that causes a bunch of readers to check in on my mental health, isn't it?
Thu Feb 9 14:40:10 2017
Brain would like you to read comics for a while so Brain can take a break.
Fri Feb 10 14:38:48 2017
The poopy emoji will be used to tastefully indicate moments of struggle.
Sat Feb 11 14:38:38 2017
That thing at the bottom is a newspaper. It was a sort of twitter made from thin tablets of wood.
Sun Feb 12 14:38:41 2017
Also steak comes from dead giraffes.
Mon Feb 13 14:38:42 2017
I really can't tell if this one will get hatemail or lovemail.
Tue Feb 14 14:38:42 2017
You're welcome, fans of mathematical formalism humor.
Wed Feb 15 14:38:45 2017
Also cows with HUGE teets.
Thu Feb 16 14:38:41 2017
Today's comic featuring a young Ernest Becker.
Fri Feb 17 14:39:30 2017
I think we can model your relationship by picking an arbitrary equation and setting all of its variables to zero.
Sat Feb 18 14:38:54 2017
I think you could do an entirely novel exegesis of the Old Testament based around this premise.
Sun Feb 19 14:38:39 2017
Another option is to change your name to a recent year.
Mon Feb 20 14:38:46 2017
The author of this paper is named Et Al.
Tue Feb 21 14:39:43 2017
Also, you guys might wanna learn how to steer a boat together.
Wed Feb 22 14:38:47 2017
My love for you is boundless, but it's not a desideratum in this context.
Wed Feb 22 17:38:43 2017
My love for you is boundless, but it's not a desideratum in this context.
Thu Feb 23 14:38:44 2017
It's interesting how caveman can speak a language that won't exist for 50,000 years, but they still have trouble with article usage.
Fri Feb 24 14:38:38 2017
I'm just saying, from an evolutionary perspective, this is the best move.
Sat Feb 25 14:41:34 2017
Zach Weinersmith was known for his brilliant combinations of deep science, philosophy, mathematics, and literature.
Sun Feb 26 14:42:00 2017
See, philosophy can be useful!
Mon Feb 27 17:42:40 2017
That said, there is no such thing as free will, and you're a sort of shambling meat-zombie.
Tue Feb 28 17:42:03 2017
I think what I really value in Steve is his honest signalling of genetic quality.
Wed Mar 1 14:41:59 2017
If I'm already crazy, I can't be going crazy!
Thu Mar 2 08:41:41 2017
To anyone who doesn't get the joke, I'm terribly sorry, and there'll be another update in a little bit.
Thu Mar 2 14:42:37 2017
Before you ask - no, this comic was completed at 2am. 4am is when workaholics go to bed.
Fri Mar 3 14:41:47 2017
New rule: Anyone referring to X as the poetry of Y must have actually ever read a poem.
Sat Mar 4 14:41:39 2017
TWO! TWO! CALL ON ME! CALL ON MEEE!
Sun Mar 5 14:41:35 2017
Also, let's give manatees access to torpedos.
Mon Mar 6 14:41:34 2017
The weird thing is we untied Phil two weeks ago, but he refuses to leave.
Tue Mar 7 14:41:33 2017
Bias-confirmation.com really helps boost my spirits.
Wed Mar 8 14:42:17 2017
Also, Griffins talk at the movies.
Thu Mar 9 14:41:40 2017
Please dear GOD let there be nothing wrong.
Thu Mar 9 20:41:27 2017
Please dear GOD let there be nothing wrong.
Fri Mar 10 14:44:21 2017
We can achieve a Christmas aversion by introduce fruit cake and low quality peppermint into the reward.
Sat Mar 11 14:41:30 2017
Maybe this is what they're thinking when they wag their tails.
Sun Mar 12 14:41:19 2017
He made the lattes perfectly. It was the only way he could say 'I love you.'
Mon Mar 13 14:41:42 2017
When she wakes up she says 'I just had the most WONDERFUL dream!'
Tue Mar 14 14:41:30 2017
Nah, just kidding, biologists sit in offices filling out grant applications and surveys.
Wed Mar 15 14:41:51 2017
You should subscribe to this theory of free will, since unlike me you have a choice.
Thu Mar 16 14:41:53 2017
Twist: The extra pant leg is filled with GOLD!
Fri Mar 17 14:41:46 2017
Also, any list can be immediately sorted by just pretty much being fine with it the way it is.
Sat Mar 18 14:41:37 2017
The other problem is that Bob would be vaporized, but he's not that interesting anyway.
Sun Mar 19 14:41:40 2017
It was remarkably hard to think of things that *nobody* wants to hear in bed.
Mon Mar 20 14:41:50 2017
Ten points to any teacher who promises never to do this.
Tue Mar 21 14:41:38 2017
See, I can still do miserable single panel comics!
Wed Mar 22 14:41:39 2017
The nice thing about Nietzsche is you don't have to write his dialog for him.
Thu Mar 23 14:41:34 2017
Four-hundred years from now, I will be hailed as a prophet.
Fri Mar 24 14:41:45 2017
I will never get tired of mystical beings interacting with lazy humans.
Sat Mar 25 14:41:25 2017
I'm suddenly realizing that someone out there has probably already had a Star Wars themed funeral.
Sun Mar 26 14:40:43 2017
The trick to passwords is to just reset them every time you need to log in.
Mon Mar 27 14:40:19 2017
I'm surprised there isn't a version of Genesis 2:4 to 3:24 that ends with an exhortation to buy Apple products.
Tue Mar 28 14:41:38 2017
Look, I don't know what I was thinking when I drew his hair. I guess he stopped off at an expensive salon on the way home.
Wed Mar 29 14:41:32 2017
If you can't remember your password, you spend eternity as a disembodied mind, wandering the Earth.
Thu Mar 30 14:41:45 2017
Some days it's butt joke day.
Fri Mar 31 14:41:26 2017
I nearly did a much more involved joke, but I quickly realized hypercomputation is, for the moment, mostly over my head.
Sat Apr 1 14:41:33 2017
Anyone caught complaining about today's comic's accuracy will be compelled to wear a tonsure.
Sun Apr 2 14:41:28 2017
We can also develop a 'spare tire' by using middle-aged men as wheels for many generations.
Mon Apr 3 14:41:29 2017
Now, we just need to unify it with quantum ethics and we're good to go.
Tue Apr 4 14:41:40 2017
Sadly, I'm not accepting applications to work for SMBC.
Wed Apr 5 14:42:14 2017
Plutarch doesn't say what happened next, but I like to imagine it involved Solon punching Thales in the neck.
Thu Apr 6 14:41:37 2017
I'm just now realizing that this is a sort of prequel to that Dilbert comic I did.
Fri Apr 7 14:41:35 2017
If P doesn't equal NP, it's because of the bourgeoisie.
Sat Apr 8 14:41:35 2017
Now that I can no longer have faith in all the beautiful things I once held dear, I've decided to go into finance.
Sun Apr 9 14:41:38 2017
Then, by being a loving father, you can fool her into wanting more babies. And, fellas, you know exactly what that means.
Mon Apr 10 14:41:22 2017
While she comforts him, he imagines his wife is the guy from the office. He smells so fresh and clean.
Tue Apr 11 14:41:42 2017
Each time I do a Zeno joke, it's half as funny as the time before.
Wed Apr 12 14:40:36 2017
Also, for any given view of human nature, some Greek dude probably said it first.
Thu Apr 13 14:42:05 2017
I HAVE SINNED WITHIN MY HEART AND BETWEEN MY TEETH!
Fri Apr 14 14:41:44 2017
Also, if they don't specify what time in the history of the universe they're talking about, you can use any value for entropy.
Sat Apr 15 14:41:32 2017
We expect napalm to be a highly liquid asset.
Sun Apr 16 14:41:28 2017
I dare anyone out there to spend 30 years becoming a respected figure in a religious community, then ruin it all by doing this. I'll give you 100 Internet points.
Mon Apr 17 14:41:33 2017
And everything worked out for everyone who wasn't dead. The End.
Tue Apr 18 14:41:37 2017
14 points to anyone who finds a real way to generate this series.
Wed Apr 19 14:42:57 2017
Not that I know anything about this sort of thing.
Thu Apr 20 14:41:44 2017
Discovered in the delightful though occasionally frustrating Moscow Puzzles
Fri Apr 21 14:44:19 2017
Now to spray sweet white flowers out of this big long wand.
Sat Apr 22 14:41:32 2017
Anyone caught emailing me in regards to the accuracy of today's comic shall be tarred, feathered, and made to carry a sign that reads 'No fun.'
Sun Apr 23 14:42:40 2017
Really, you want to have her in space for this sort of thing, but the detection apparatus is worse when it's dead.
Mon Apr 24 14:41:33 2017
Later, the kid agrees to do chores, but only in exchange for precious metals.
Tue Apr 25 14:41:30 2017
More and more, I think the 'they're just a sequence of sounds' is one of the more pointless observations you can possibly make.
Wed Apr 26 14:41:51 2017
Happily, this will never be true of nerd comics.
Thu Apr 27 14:41:47 2017
I'm starting to wonder if I don't have some deeply repressed fantasy where I'm a middle aged woman who participates in overly blunt job interviews.
Fri Apr 28 14:41:34 2017
Cartooning is actually my part-time job.
Sat Apr 29 14:41:34 2017
Intimacy is about ten percent as important as winning.
Sun Apr 30 14:43:42 2017
I like to imagine this is what it's like at Nate Silver's house.
Mon May 1 14:43:26 2017
Anyone who creates their version of panel 3 will be rewarded with 42 Internet points.
Tue May 2 14:42:31 2017
Looks like I'll need two days off because there's some famine in here too.
Wed May 3 14:41:32 2017
The real trick is demanding diamonds in order to avoid things you already thought were gross.
Thu May 4 14:41:46 2017
Also, if you have any vampire bats, you can get them drunk.
Fri May 5 14:41:36 2017
The true wisdom can only be had from judgmental comic strips.
Sat May 6 14:41:37 2017
Later, the bookstore manager comes in and pretends to be interested before falling asleep.
Sun May 7 14:43:12 2017
Hey baby, if you sleep with me tonight, there's a finite chance of infinite pleasure.
Mon May 8 14:41:42 2017
And it's way cheaper than a psychiatrist!
Tue May 9 14:41:28 2017
Jorge has this interesting artistic he calls 'shading.' It's a little avant-garde for my taste, but I hope you like it.
Wed May 10 14:41:32 2017
Also one about a werewolf who uses statistical methods to determine he's actually an insane man experiencing a prolonged psychotic episode.
Thu May 11 14:41:35 2017
This is one of those comics where I worry people think it's biographical.
Fri May 12 14:41:34 2017
I'm a quadruple threat. I can go geeky, dorky, nerdy, and now wonky.
Sat May 13 14:41:35 2017
This comic dedicated to that one couple who wrote to tell me they were 'SMBC Lesbians.'
Sun May 14 14:43:08 2017
In the future, you'll pay to chop wood, but it's not real wood.
Mon May 15 14:41:35 2017
Don't let him read any motivational books or we can't kill him.
Tue May 16 14:41:22 2017
Actually, the worst thing is when you realize that oreos are just okay.
Wed May 17 08:41:45 2017
Thomas Piketty is also a good bower adornment, I hear.
Wed May 17 14:41:24 2017
If you could just form a group made of zero humans, it'd be soooo productive.
Thu May 18 14:41:33 2017
Still not as weird as the fact that momentum investing works.
Fri May 19 14:41:26 2017
I will never NEVER apologize for this.
Sat May 20 14:41:34 2017
Telegraph me baby. Dash dash. Dash dash. Dash dash.
Sun May 21 14:41:19 2017
On second thought, let's just leave them in the box.
Mon May 22 14:41:38 2017
Slowly but inexorably, SMBC become nothing but comics about parents having sex.
Tue May 23 14:41:25 2017
This is the SMBCest SMBC I've ever SMBCed.
Wed May 24 14:41:27 2017
Worse, he tied her to a track that is proposed to later be part of a high speed rail line that is currently being studied.
Thu May 25 14:41:26 2017
'When Weinersmith died, among his papers were found many takeout menus and a failed novelization of the Voltron cartoon series.'
Fri May 26 14:41:24 2017
Don't ask about the lady who agreed to be sawed in half.
Sat May 27 14:41:33 2017
I'm embarrassed to admit how long those last two homophones took to come up with.
Sun May 28 14:41:22 2017
That's actually the calculus teacher's assigned uniform.
Mon May 29 14:41:47 2017
Ben Franklin helped by shooting lightning from a magic key.
Tue May 30 14:41:39 2017
On weekends I moonlight in punching stained glass.
Wed May 31 14:41:41 2017
It's not an old man rant if you put it in the mouths of children!
Thu Jun 1 14:41:36 2017
It'd be slightly more honest if spokespeople would just start stating random facts about the people they represent.
Fri Jun 2 14:41:32 2017
How about you come over to my place, and we discuss it while eating 1/400th of my rations and water supply.
Sat Jun 3 14:41:45 2017
I'm starting to realize I really like settling arguments in favor of people who are wrong.
Sun Jun 4 14:41:24 2017
A better system is to start with a trillion dollars, but have exponentially scaling losses for even minor infractions.
Mon Jun 5 14:41:24 2017
I know, I know, it could just be a loop of paper. Let me have my fun.
Tue Jun 6 14:41:33 2017
This is the peak of my career drawing sound effects.
Wed Jun 7 14:41:35 2017
No, I'm just kidding. You, individual primate of planet Earth, can violate causality itself.
Thu Jun 8 14:40:53 2017
I'm gonna have people draw me realllllll perdy in the Renaissance.
Fri Jun 9 14:40:38 2017
The moment you stop trying to do anything to make the other person like you? That's true love.
Sat Jun 10 14:41:36 2017
The sadness you're feeling right now is within one standard deviation of typical sadness.
Sun Jun 11 14:43:10 2017
Dream big, guys.
Mon Jun 12 14:41:17 2017
Back in my day, we only gave corporations 70 percent of our data, and that's the way we liked it!
Tue Jun 13 14:40:33 2017
I'll just ask my phone how to fix my phone, which... DAMMIT
Wed Jun 14 14:40:44 2017
I actually wrote that last panel several months ago. Hopefully it's still 'funny'.
Thu Jun 15 14:41:39 2017
Would you rather burn the Mona Lisa or have your eyes be on your BUTT forever.
Fri Jun 16 14:42:21 2017
I'm just saying, we can't confirm that it's false.
Sat Jun 17 14:40:32 2017
One day, we'll have personal robot servants who realize human bodies are the major source of dust in the house.
Sun Jun 18 14:43:43 2017
All pain is massage now!
Mon Jun 19 14:42:49 2017
Bonus points to anyone who makes a Feynman diagram.
Tue Jun 20 14:40:46 2017
Join me, sisters and brothers, and together we shall badly abridge the world!
Wed Jun 21 14:40:52 2017
And the further back in time we go, the shittier it gets!
Thu Jun 22 14:40:36 2017
And that first AI will immediately create a new AI that claims to be the only true form of consciousness.
Fri Jun 23 14:41:16 2017
Hey, at least she didn't make a joke about the teacher's mass.
Sat Jun 24 14:40:43 2017
We need to build a space elevator just so we can all get a taste of this.
Sun Jun 25 14:41:57 2017
Do you think this comic is overly wordy, or did I just prime you to believe that?
Mon Jun 26 14:40:23 2017
And the dish... RAN AWAY WITH THE SPOON
Tue Jun 27 14:41:36 2017
The really weird part is how much the watermelon likes it.
Wed Jun 28 14:41:38 2017
Just kidding. They're not *all* dead. Some of them are just servants of the dead.
Thu Jun 29 14:42:59 2017
Seriously, babysitting fantasies make zero sense.
Fri Jun 30 14:41:23 2017
Ironically, she's been cheating with his twin.
Sat Jul 1 22:42:50 2017
This is literally a law of nature - you can be against gay sex or gay parents caretaking small children, but you can't be against both.
Sun Jul 2 14:41:22 2017
I think he'll be a freer spirit if he knows he can deal death with every motion.
Mon Jul 3 14:41:26 2017
The word 'decryption' always sounds to me like a fancy term for rising from the grave.
Tue Jul 4 14:41:31 2017
After Adam ate from the tree of knowledge, his punning became so annoying that all humans were banished from Eden.
Wed Jul 5 14:41:59 2017
Would you perhaps accept equity in my future earnings?
Thu Jul 6 14:41:30 2017
The neat part is how everyone reading this will assume it's a judgment on someone else.
Fri Jul 7 14:41:35 2017
Oh please oh please don't let anyone take this as for or against any position.
Sat Jul 8 14:41:35 2017
Also there is infinite space, so it's going to be pretty hard to find the movie theater.
Sun Jul 9 14:41:21 2017
For clarity - that's a magical infinite bucket of chum, from a wish made by a marine biologist.
Mon Jul 10 14:41:31 2017
If I had a PhD in humanities, by God I would wear a labcoat and goggles all day long.
Tue Jul 11 14:41:11 2017
His socks and sandals are, on the other hand, exquisite.
Wed Jul 12 14:41:22 2017
Later, God starts to wonder if he can trust his own self-perception.
Thu Jul 13 14:41:36 2017
Best suggestion for another point will receive 12 Internet Points.
Fri Jul 14 14:41:19 2017
There should be a field of science dedicated to ruining thought experiments.
Sat Jul 15 14:42:57 2017
I DO NOT SEE THIS AS A LONG-TERM THING, HUMAN.
Sun Jul 16 14:41:34 2017
Secretly, the reader began to suspect that Zach only made Heaven jokes to avoid drawing backgrounds.
Mon Jul 17 14:41:32 2017
Personally, I am a triplist because I think we have mind, body-except-left-earlobe and left earlobe.
Tue Jul 18 14:41:35 2017
I am prepared to fight about this, Internet. Come at me.
Wed Jul 19 14:43:24 2017
I swear, I don't mean this comic to harbor any political perspective. I just thought it was funny.
Thu Jul 20 14:41:25 2017
You must've been a HIDEOUS baby.
Fri Jul 21 14:41:30 2017
I really don't understand why we load down rockets with centers of mass.
Sat Jul 22 14:41:23 2017
What I really want is a Star Wars Lego kit made of exactly two enormous pieces.
Sun Jul 23 14:42:40 2017
I guess I'd better not tell him about my collection of uncountably infinite rocks.
Mon Jul 24 14:41:22 2017
I actually have no idea how humans interact.
Tue Jul 25 14:41:36 2017
Incidentally, this explains why all of your math professors wear socks and sandals.
Wed Jul 26 14:42:54 2017
Mammatus clouds are what God watches when He's getting high.
Thu Jul 27 14:41:32 2017
Tom, Tom Bomba--COUGH COUGH HACK--
Fri Jul 28 14:41:29 2017
We'll also be eating dolphins, whales, bonobos, chimps, cephalopods, and particularly intelligent dogs.
Sat Jul 29 14:41:28 2017
In Hell, everyone is friendly and nice, but nobody realizes it.
Sun Jul 30 14:41:20 2017
Also, maybe Buddha can say that it doesn't count as attachment if you want another round of Buffalo wings.
Mon Jul 31 14:41:30 2017
The best part about considering myself a brand is that even my most potentially honorable acts have been sullied by PR considerations!
Tue Aug 1 14:41:26 2017
Also, have you tried shining a flashlight into a solar panel?
Wed Aug 2 14:41:27 2017
'Why the long face?' 'Because I'm a murderer.'
Thu Aug 3 14:43:04 2017
In Postmodernism, everything is a sandwich.
Fri Aug 4 14:41:41 2017
You can also 'dad-prone' an area by introducing inexpensive 3-packs of plain white underwear into the environment.
Sat Aug 5 14:41:56 2017
I am not responsible for anyone who decides this is a good idea.
Sun Aug 6 14:41:38 2017
Me: I wonder if there'll ever be bars that just serve uppers. Also me: GOD I'd kill for a triple espresso right now.
Mon Aug 7 14:41:25 2017
New plan - win lottery, have Abby Howard draw all of my comics.
Tue Aug 8 14:41:25 2017
Technically, Earth is moving relative to those galaxies, so those spacelords are time-shared with other little girls.
Wed Aug 9 14:41:37 2017
Logically, next he should ask for a cure for the placebo effect.
Thu Aug 10 14:43:04 2017
Last idea: Sit inside a ball that moves with wind patterns and just regularly check to see if you're at your destination yet.
Fri Aug 11 14:41:27 2017
I wonder if you could use certain websites as negative information.
Sat Aug 12 14:42:54 2017
Proposal: eRNA be changed so that the e stands for Evil instead of Enhancer.
Sun Aug 13 14:41:29 2017
Also, don't wish for puppets to be alive, because they'll just die a second later due to having no circulatory system.
Mon Aug 14 14:41:26 2017
Before anyone emails me - no, no, no, there is no evidence that the original Newton quote was an insult to Robert Hooke.
Tue Aug 15 14:41:27 2017
Maybe we could just make a law that marshmallows have to taste like boiled asparagus?
Wed Aug 16 14:41:33 2017
Frankly, I'm surprised there are only three mushroom clouds.
Thu Aug 17 14:41:34 2017
I like to imagine Russell as sort of like the white rabbit, only he's always late for an appointment with a barber.
Fri Aug 18 14:41:27 2017
Look, it's like 400 BC. All of math is a couple theorems for plane geometry and maybe some number theory.
Sat Aug 19 14:41:19 2017
As in 'Ic hyeefed yow thes quilte.'
Sun Aug 20 14:41:24 2017
I mean, the rainbow thing is just a phenomenon due to refraction. How self-centered do you have to be to think it's just about you?
Mon Aug 21 14:41:29 2017
I take it back. I would buy this in a heartbeat.
Tue Aug 22 14:42:58 2017
The annoying thing about political economy textbooks is that the letters only appear when the Black Candle is lit beneath a Blood Moon.
Wed Aug 23 14:41:12 2017
I feel it incumbent upon myself to let you know that I will, with all expediency, be putting up a No Girls Allowed placard.
Thu Aug 24 14:50:03 2017
Was it because I spent 20 minutes talking about exactly how much money I saved on condoms by buying in bulk?
Fri Aug 25 14:41:21 2017
Oh my GOD, look at the size of her CV.
Sat Aug 26 14:41:41 2017
Is it more evil to lie to save someone, or tell the truth in order to make sure they get killed?
Sun Aug 27 14:44:04 2017
BUT WHERE ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT MY TI-83?!
Mon Aug 28 14:44:28 2017
Since the recession, it's like 80% of entertainment.
Tue Aug 29 14:45:03 2017
Consider the set S of individuals who have at any time been my wife...
Wed Aug 30 14:41:26 2017
It would've been so easy to make an avocado joke, BUT I RESISTED.
Thu Aug 31 14:43:05 2017
You mother quorfers.
Fri Sep 1 14:41:51 2017
They also sent a guy to the regular moon.
Sat Sep 2 14:41:38 2017
This is almost as bad as the bat-shaped plane that can't be steered.
Sun Sep 3 14:41:47 2017
Basically, everyone is descended from the guy who ruined everything.
Mon Sep 4 14:41:36 2017
We are a unique and imaginative animal. Like, not me in particular, but I know a guy.
Tue Sep 5 14:41:28 2017
Honestly, those kids are probably just too young to be learning about the adult art of precalculus.
Wed Sep 6 14:42:00 2017
Or maybe that was just his cover story...
Thu Sep 7 14:41:21 2017
It's a shame there wasn't ever a snake-biting-someone's-dick movement in art.
Fri Sep 8 14:41:30 2017
Once the dad gets replaced, the family will achieve peak efficiency.
Sat Sep 9 14:41:47 2017
I'm so royal, my family tree looks like crochet.
Sun Sep 10 14:41:56 2017
Also, four cream cheese tubs... of destiny or whatever.
Mon Sep 11 14:45:52 2017
I hope they at least have weird social status games.
Tue Sep 12 14:43:04 2017
In retrospect, we probably should've mentioned this when your policy began, 40 years ago.
Wed Sep 13 14:43:02 2017
If you wanna learn about the real world, take your advice from a guy who draws cartoons for a living.
Thu Sep 14 14:48:28 2017
Honestly, God has rebooted the system at least twice and it hasn't gotten any better.
Fri Sep 15 14:08:12 2017
I am prepared to read your emails on how I don't know how to pronounce 'pho.'
Sat Sep 16 14:41:45 2017
Now, tell Siri you're sorry for all those dirty pictures you made her send.
Sun Sep 17 14:41:49 2017
Alternate formulation: kids have energy but no power. Adults have power, but are tired and would like to sit and drink coffee for a few hours.
Mon Sep 18 14:41:40 2017
To see today's normal update, please just click back. Sorry for all the recent nags, but we're in the final month before book launch.
Tue Sep 19 14:41:42 2017
And you rode to the ball in a pumpkin? No wonder you were covered in orange slime.
Wed Sep 20 14:41:29 2017
How am I the only person who's considered this consequence?
Thu Sep 21 14:41:59 2017
I tried this on a seven year old and it didn't work. I think there might be a sweet spot, taking into account trustworthiness and writing ability. Alternatively, you could spend seven years being kind an honest to a nephew or niece, just so you can pull this off.
Fri Sep 22 14:41:46 2017
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because automation has eliminated the need for humans.
Sat Sep 23 14:41:43 2017
It's so easy to get adults to give in to peer pressure.
Sun Sep 24 14:41:48 2017
Well, I guess there are plenty more comatose fish in the sea.
Mon Sep 25 14:42:13 2017
In a perfect relationship between economists, every time their preferences are slightly violated they make a microtransaction with their partners.
Tue Sep 26 14:41:50 2017
Hey baby, I hope you like objects whose surface area and volume are equivalent.
Wed Sep 27 14:41:42 2017
Of course, none of this matters because out statistical chance of winning the championship is infinitesimal.
Thu Sep 28 14:41:49 2017
Seriously though, if someone could invent a baby confinement chamber, I'm prepared to pony up.
Fri Sep 29 14:41:39 2017
It is too powerful. You must combine it with a phoenix egg, the milk of a unicorn, and some sugar and cinnamon. Only then will it take on a custardy texture.
Sat Sep 30 14:42:52 2017
That number might've been even smaller if she didn't stop complaining about my application of stats to our relationship.
Sun Oct 1 14:41:31 2017
Let's promote him without altering his pay.
Mon Oct 2 17:41:48 2017
+googol nerd points to patreon subscriber Beth Deitch for informing me that I should refer to the median, not the average.
Tue Oct 3 14:44:20 2017
I'm not saying it'd work. I'm saying we'd all feel great about it.
Wed Oct 4 08:43:28 2017
I WELCOME YOUR CORRECTIVE EMAILS! BY GOD I WELCOME THEM!
Wed Oct 4 14:43:30 2017
To be clear, I have no intention to talk to my neighbors. I just want to know what they're thinking.
Thu Oct 5 14:42:28 2017
This is why you should sleep all day and never exercise.
Fri Oct 6 14:45:18 2017
I too am mildly disgusted by panel 4.
Sat Oct 7 17:41:44 2017
I think I might be doing this to my own kids on accident.
Sun Oct 8 14:43:01 2017
Socrates would consume hemlock, sure, but what about Arby's?
Mon Oct 9 14:41:55 2017
Or you could just have a door that says 'free t-shirts,' but on the other side of it is a hole that goes to the core of Earth.
Tue Oct 10 14:46:58 2017
I'm shocked nobody's proposed this obvious interpretation of the data.
Wed Oct 11 14:47:16 2017
I'm just saying it'd be an improvement.
Thu Oct 12 14:45:05 2017
Later, a grandparent approaches you on the street about coming to their place for a contented evening.
Fri Oct 13 14:45:35 2017
The coolest people smoke cigarettes, cigars, and pipes all at the same time.
Sat Oct 14 14:50:58 2017
Things get really steamy when he blows powder into her eyes then executes a flying piledriver.
Sun Oct 15 14:44:43 2017
I hope nobody ever measures how many micromurders each of my actions commits.
Mon Oct 16 14:47:08 2017
If he were more sensible, he'd realize people who disagree with him are actually just possessed by the devil.
Tue Oct 17 14:48:28 2017
<3
Wed Oct 18 14:48:48 2017
It's not you, it's your species.
Thu Oct 19 14:48:32 2017
If this looks familiar it's because yesterday I uploaded it with a typo, in which the dad was offering to taste the kid's sore throat. That may literally be the creepiest typo in the history of typoes.
Fri Oct 20 17:47:22 2017
Also, every time you eat a slice of cake or smoke a cigarette, Death takes a big jump forward!
Sat Oct 21 14:42:22 2017
Somehow, I find the idea of being used as seasoning less horrifying than being a main course.
Sat Oct 21 17:48:05 2017
Somehow, I find the idea of being used as seasoning less horrifying than being a main course.
Sun Oct 22 14:43:25 2017
If there's a field called topology, how come there's no field of bottomology?
Mon Oct 23 14:43:45 2017
That banking poem is a real thing, by the way. I'm not quite sure how these are so popular.
Tue Oct 24 14:45:38 2017
I'm sure this is already a thing, but I would appreciate not getting an email about it.
Wed Oct 25 14:45:38 2017
There should probably just be an app so you can direct message old wise men atop mountains.
Thu Oct 26 14:42:14 2017
People come to SMBC for the subtle humor.
Fri Oct 27 20:49:55 2017
He's happier this way.
Sat Oct 28 14:41:36 2017
Secretly, he longs for extra spikes.
Sun Oct 29 14:42:08 2017
Someone needs to control the rate of dream inflation, because it's making us all crazy.
Mon Oct 30 14:41:30 2017
Today's comic inspired by Ray Smullyan and the feeling called dread.
Tue Oct 31 14:41:33 2017
I was recently in the nicest hotel of my life and I think I scalded my hands at least three times.
Wed Nov 1 14:44:44 2017
If I want you to leave me alone for a specific amount of days, can I get a wholesale discount?
Thu Nov 2 14:41:41 2017
I wonder what my kids are going to think when they read this one day...
Fri Nov 3 14:41:28 2017
On the plus side, now the housing prices are wayyyyyy lower.
Sat Nov 4 14:41:30 2017
Other girls don't love you like I do, in the sense that they don't love you in a specific and uncomfortable way.
Sun Nov 5 17:41:33 2017
Hell, let's roll in Christmas too.
Mon Nov 6 14:41:28 2017
Kelly and I are book-touring in London this week and I wasn't able to quite get a buffer together. So, you will have to suffer through a week of actually good artwork by the astonishing Abby Howard.
Tue Nov 7 14:41:38 2017
STAY AWAY FROM MY KAZOO COLLECTION
Wed Nov 8 14:41:31 2017
Wonderful WONDERFUL ashes!
Thu Nov 9 14:41:24 2017
Whoever said 'do what you love and you'll never work a day of your life' probably should have added a caveat about murder.
Fri Nov 10 14:42:26 2017
THIS IS LOVE, FISHIE! THIS IS LOVE!
Sat Nov 11 14:41:36 2017
People who say we'll become one with the machines should really specify the machines they're talking about.
Sun Nov 12 22:41:52 2017
Everyone knows technology is a double-edged sword, but sometimes the other side of the sword is serrated and coated in poison.
Mon Nov 13 22:43:00 2017
The garden of Eden was the one time I tried to fix things and that went JUST GREAT.
Tue Nov 14 22:29:00 2017
The trick was finding the secret USB slot everyone has behind their right ear.
Wed Nov 15 14:42:04 2017
Eventually, someone will be able to look at photos of a Renaissance fair and not know who's in costume.
Thu Nov 16 14:41:40 2017
I hope Heaven has a periscope to Hell, because humans are really only happy relative to other humans.
Fri Nov 17 14:41:24 2017
I am, however, totally ready for a new makeup trend for sharing historical fun-facts.
Sat Nov 18 14:41:46 2017
Also, it's easy to mistake puberty for turning into a werewolf.
Sun Nov 19 14:41:20 2017
You're the best you can be, which is technically the highest true compliment I can pay you, so why do you look sad?
Mon Nov 20 14:41:37 2017
I'm not sure why, but I find the idea that the bicycle has a switchblade to be comedy gold.
Tue Nov 21 14:41:40 2017
Signalling virtue by being virtuous? Isn't that cheating?
Wed Nov 22 14:41:21 2017
His signature move is called The Squeeze Theorem.
Thu Nov 23 14:41:24 2017
If anything's wrong, just construct a set of axioms that make it right.
Fri Nov 24 14:41:28 2017
I am raising the voodoo doll's healthcare premiums 30 percent.
Sat Nov 25 14:41:34 2017
Maybe if we get far enough into the digits of pi we'll find some notes about how God was planning to fix quantum gravity later.
Sun Nov 26 14:41:25 2017
Adults are harder to upset, but the sorrow lasts longer, so it evens out.
Mon Nov 27 14:42:52 2017
Holy crap, am I a talking skeleton?! Weiiiiiird.
Tue Nov 28 14:42:39 2017
The fun thing is that we'll definitely have this before we have a Mars settlement.
Wed Nov 29 14:41:31 2017
Also, if you see a killer ice cream sundae running around, call the police.
Thu Nov 30 14:41:17 2017
And yet, Kelly says I'm not romantic.
Fri Dec 1 14:41:24 2017
I feel like '-physics' is the scientist's way of saying 'I'm not like other girls.'
Sat Dec 2 14:41:22 2017
If 8 percent of our DNA comes from viruses are we technically undead?
Sun Dec 3 14:41:08 2017
And how does 'please don't kill me, robot master' make you feel?
Mon Dec 4 14:41:48 2017
Then, you have to hear a two week news cycle about the 'alleged pedophagic incident".
Tue Dec 5 14:43:00 2017
I will not rest until every nice thing is ruined.
Wed Dec 6 14:43:02 2017
I don't want to read your erotic Hanukkah fiction, but I *do* want to know it's there.
Thu Dec 7 14:41:25 2017
Honest to God, I would sell these if there weren't a terrifying liability issue.
Fri Dec 8 14:41:43 2017
Sorry for the serious comic. It'll be back to butt jokes tomorrow. This has been a thing that's been stressing us pretty bad for a few weeks, so I thought I'd share. Apologies to all people who are not from the US, and who are shocked and/or baffled.
Sat Dec 9 14:41:32 2017
You don't need to read the full comic. Just appreciate it like a city or whatever.
Sun Dec 10 14:41:26 2017
Sweetie, the only things in creation that are always true to themselves are subatomic particles.
Mon Dec 11 14:41:33 2017
It's too bad Santa doesn't believe in predestination. He could give you a lifetime of presents in one go.
Tue Dec 12 14:43:02 2017
In fact, I'm gonna time travel and kill baby you.
Wed Dec 13 14:41:33 2017
Half of you are rolling your eyes because it's too dorky and half of you are rolling your eyes because it's not dorky enough.
Thu Dec 14 14:42:53 2017
I don't believe in the concept of personal property that isn't mine.
Fri Dec 15 14:41:28 2017
Ironically, this comic was posted 30 minutes late because I lost track of time.
Sat Dec 16 14:41:29 2017
Feet became less like hands because, for bipedals, it's not useful to give someone the finger with them.
Sun Dec 17 14:41:38 2017
Anyone emailing me to mention that Moby-Dick is actually a good book will be forced to sit in town square on a short stool, wearing a hat that reads 'stater of the obvious.'
Mon Dec 18 14:41:45 2017
Of course, in real life if you formed a grammar club, the only attendees would be linguists looking to talk shit.
Tue Dec 19 14:41:40 2017
From the right perspective, EVERY river is running with blood.
Wed Dec 20 14:43:48 2017
If you believe we should look at all sides, do you also believe that we shouldn't look at all sides, in which case...
Thu Dec 21 14:43:09 2017
The meta-joke here is that he's mostly not helping because ancient Greek society was extremely misogynistic.
Fri Dec 22 14:41:39 2017
You can do a similar thing to a human by giving him wool socks and sandals, which he must wear at the same time.
Sat Dec 23 14:41:19 2017
The clever part is that if you're good all year, all it does is prove your greediness.
Sun Dec 24 14:43:04 2017
Can you believe the industry spent decades believing that people wanted 'realistic' sex robots?
Mon Dec 25 08:43:00 2017
Weinersmith spent Christmas accusing God of things, as was his wont.
Tue Dec 26 14:41:48 2017
OH NO! HELP! IT HAPPENED! MY NETS ARE RUINED! PLEASE COME BAAACK!
Wed Dec 27 14:43:09 2017
Also you can't just buy add-ons. You need to first buy 'sexcoins' which can then be used for in-sex purchases.
Thu Dec 28 08:41:30 2017
Of course, the real trick is to adjust the top marginal tax bracket up or down by 2 percent.
Fri Dec 29 14:42:07 2017
'The fact that these genericized insults apply to you is proof of how banal your life has become.'
Sat Dec 30 14:41:35 2017
Every time I read Stoics, it's a combination of awe and amusement, with each reinforcing the other.
Sun Dec 31 08:41:41 2017
Kelly said this joke wasn't just sad, not funny. I'm not sure I see the difference.
Mon Jan 1 14:42:55 2018
I feel like we shouldn't consider bonobos as sapient until they can write something about human life as a sunset or the end of a long road or something.
Tue Jan 2 14:41:38 2018
It gets really bad when they start using loops instead of actively engaging in conversation.
Wed Jan 3 14:41:50 2018
This was also the origin of the stealth bomber.
Thu Jan 4 14:41:40 2018
Late at night, he would sneak into the bathroom, turn the volume down, and read Bloomberg.
Fri Jan 5 14:42:35 2018
Thinking about the frequency of showering and availability of basic cosmetics should ruin pretty much any fantasy you have that's set before about 1930.
Sat Jan 6 14:41:50 2018
Oh, so I should just rely on your anecdotes about the location of your own body parts?
Sun Jan 7 14:42:04 2018
Pro Tip: That last panel could go after any comic.
Mon Jan 8 14:41:38 2018
Slowly but surely, SMBC became strictly jokes about the foibles of Epictetus.
Tue Jan 9 08:41:44 2018
How come nobody's working on the forthcoming problem of Robot Ennui?
Wed Jan 10 14:41:51 2018
This comic inspired by the delightful 'In Defense of Flogging' by Peter Moskos.
Thu Jan 11 14:41:50 2018
True story: Yesterday, in a grocery store, my 3-year-old shouted 'You're wrong everybody!' for no obvious reason. So, I guess that's genetic too.
Fri Jan 12 14:43:32 2018
I wonder if transitions like this always have a Most Awkward Year of usage.
Sat Jan 13 14:43:12 2018
The elephant's perception of itself was also warped by the limits of self-knowledge.
Sun Jan 14 14:42:03 2018
Eat my hair! Eat my hair because maybe I like that!
Mon Jan 15 14:42:38 2018
Later, God paints a tunnel on a brick wall and convinces you to run full speed into it.
Tue Jan 16 14:50:35 2018
Time is just distance through death-space.
Wed Jan 17 14:44:06 2018
Also your beard sucks.
Thu Jan 18 08:41:46 2018
Before we had kids, people told me I'd stop enjoying jokes about torturing children. WELL LOOK AT ME NOW, BABY.
Fri Jan 19 14:41:32 2018
You could make a pretty good version of this by just having the machine say 'NICE' every time you make any kind of purchase.
Sat Jan 20 14:41:36 2018
Later, the man finds out he is the only human being who isn't ensouled, as part of an experiment.
Sun Jan 21 14:41:34 2018
Constant screaming is also how I deter my kids from bad behavior.
Mon Jan 22 14:41:33 2018
The free range Peter Singer was a bit gamey, but I felt good about it.
Tue Jan 23 14:41:27 2018
The simplest way to become drunk is likely to be the best one.
Wed Jan 24 17:41:31 2018
What do mathematicians imagine flying in? THE COMPLEX PLANE.
Thu Jan 25 14:41:37 2018
If you're more irritated about the geographical location of the penguins than the fact that the penguins can talk, I have nothing to say to you.
Fri Jan 26 14:43:03 2018
Later, a god-like consciousness comes in and insists that you have a logically inconsistent form of free will.
Sat Jan 27 14:41:46 2018
Anyway, I'm off to shrink into an infant, then jump inside a telescoping sequence of antecedents until we turn into a prokaryote.
Sun Jan 28 14:42:06 2018
I have a stomach virus today and am using my free will to decide not to be clever here.
Mon Jan 29 14:41:38 2018
But seriously, this is a thing that's happening.
Tue Jan 30 14:41:39 2018
Also, cave painting was invented as a way to save on wallpaper.
Wed Jan 31 14:41:46 2018
Perhaps in the future we can equip small children with exoskeletons so that they will start cleaning their rooms.
Thu Feb 1 14:41:36 2018
The calculations take longer, but you appreciate them more that way.
Fri Feb 2 14:42:02 2018
Thanks to the patreon typo squad for pointing out that the original version of this had given Bizarro the wrong skin tone. Nerds.
Sat Feb 3 14:41:54 2018
My rational mind doesn't want to do it. My emotional mind doesn't want to do it. So, who in there is controlling my behavior?
Sun Feb 4 14:41:42 2018
It would be so much nicer being a cartoonist of those Renaissance bastards hadn't ruined everything.
Mon Feb 5 08:41:48 2018
Impractical? They said the Wright Brothers were impractical!
Tue Feb 6 14:41:45 2018
Some of them are trapped in a ghostly cycle, forever arguing on twitter.
Wed Feb 7 14:41:50 2018
Fun fact: In the middle of every Derrida book, there are nuclear launch codes, the recipe for Coca Cola, and the location of Blackbeard's gold.
Thu Feb 8 14:41:38 2018
The wise master is, in fact, the only happy person in the world.
Fri Feb 9 14:41:38 2018
This is all it would take to get me to watch network sitcoms again.
Sat Feb 10 14:41:34 2018
I'm just saying, if this ever HAS happened, there probably wouldn't be an announcement.
Sun Feb 11 14:41:33 2018
For the rest of her life, when asked about the asteroid's devastation, she would make a joke about Impact Factor.
Mon Feb 12 14:42:05 2018
I'm just saying, no scientific paper has shown evidence that this isn't true.
Tue Feb 13 14:42:16 2018
In later experiments, it was determined that you can train the bird to claim to enjoy Donnie Darko, Free Jazz, and the outdoors.
Wed Feb 14 14:41:42 2018
If any of the information above relates to you personally, it's because my comic-production algorithm was successful.
Thu Feb 15 14:41:36 2018
Really, you should be listening to the body of a personal trainer or something.
Fri Feb 16 14:43:13 2018
It's called TRUST, Sharon.
Sat Feb 17 14:41:37 2018
As far as I know, this is the method employed by most artists who get to eat every day.
Sun Feb 18 14:41:42 2018
LOCAL SINGLES ARE FEELING A LOT OF SELF DOUBT BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 6PM AND 2AM.
Mon Feb 19 14:41:36 2018
However, Santa is dead.
Tue Feb 20 14:41:39 2018
I think there's a reading of Flowers for Algernon where the truth is he's just fundamentally a dickhead and everyone else who gets the same treatment fails to have an existential crisis.
Wed Feb 21 14:47:54 2018
'The caution tape is actually to protect other people from you.'
Thu Feb 22 14:41:35 2018
Then the monster tries to get me to do squats, and I wake up screaming.
Fri Feb 23 14:41:35 2018
Still better than Transformers 3.
Sat Feb 24 14:41:33 2018
To my shock and horror, I found out yesterday that I'm not the first person to invent something called Doctor Bees. I am hopeful that I am the first person to consider the healthcare system implications.
Sun Feb 25 14:41:39 2018
I'm not entirely sure why, but somehow that 'for vs. if' seems meaningful to me.
Mon Feb 26 08:41:47 2018
In all likelihood, you are already on this diet. Congrats on sticking to it!
Tue Feb 27 14:41:40 2018
Out of courtesy, I should tell you that I have, in fact, poisoned your beer.
Wed Feb 28 14:41:35 2018
Of course, we'll start with the Iberian Ibex.
Thu Mar 1 14:41:26 2018
Alternatively, the Easter Bunny may just be a lizard with horrifically mutated skin and bones.
Fri Mar 2 14:42:20 2018
A side-experiment is to see how expensive you can make it before people stop trying to use the maze.
Sat Mar 3 14:41:55 2018
One good way to use semicolons is to not.
Sun Mar 4 14:41:33 2018
And now that I think about it, that centaur wasn't exactly canonical...
Mon Mar 5 14:41:34 2018
That's also where she put my pathological desire to please everyone!
Tue Mar 6 14:41:44 2018
Science Satan will try to tempt you every time you go through the herbal medicine section of a Whole Foods, my friends. Stay strong.
Wed Mar 7 14:41:37 2018
Technically, any food can make you cry if you get punched in the nose with it.
Thu Mar 8 14:41:40 2018
Today's comic based on something Bryan Caplan wrote in his (ever so slightly) controversial 'The Case Against Education.' I think he was mentioning it as a problem, not a strategy, but hey... tomAYto tomAHto.
Fri Mar 9 14:42:17 2018
It is taking every atom of my being to not make a joke about applied evil being a branch of finance.
Sat Mar 10 14:41:36 2018
Once every few weeks, he wakes up in a cold sweat because he had a dream that used an inaccurate star map.
Sun Mar 11 14:41:55 2018
Later, the job is outsourced to The Eastlands.
Mon Mar 12 14:41:30 2018
I imagine if autocomplete got entirely uncensored for more than 30 seconds civil society would end.
Tue Mar 13 14:41:47 2018
One day, there'll be an entire book of these...
Wed Mar 14 14:41:43 2018
Please read today's blog.
Thu Mar 15 14:42:05 2018
Look! I actually used cursive for something! All those teachers were right after all!
Fri Mar 16 14:41:37 2018
Technically, every time a dog poops it's because of nanomachines.
Sat Mar 17 08:41:28 2018
Got you! You can't break up with me because I have no Self!
Sun Mar 18 08:43:07 2018
If you crank really slowly, it makes the whole affair sound much more vigorous.
Mon Mar 19 14:42:11 2018
Later, Robin decides to give up sidekicking in favor of motherhood.
Tue Mar 20 14:41:41 2018
Oddly enough, this one was inspired by a couple of Shakespeare's more passive aggressive sonnets.
Wed Mar 21 14:41:44 2018
The really creepy part is how it requires you to install a tiny mouth.
Thu Mar 22 14:41:29 2018
This comic was inevitable, so let's get it over with, OK?
Fri Mar 23 14:41:47 2018
I'm not even sure I agree with the premise here. In fact, I'm offended.
Sat Mar 24 14:41:42 2018
Also it didn't want to destroy the city because it mostly feeds off of aquatic insects.
Sun Mar 25 14:43:06 2018
Sure, I'd be happy to make Bat-Individual posters. Just get DC to promise not to sue me, cross their hearts and hope to die.
Mon Mar 26 14:41:54 2018
The Drake Equation should really include a factor for how awful we are.
Tue Mar 27 14:41:31 2018
Or if freshness is about how recently it was killed, we could just put the fish in a superposition of dead and alive!
Wed Mar 28 14:41:48 2018
You CAN eat serfs. I'm pretty sure they're a type of dog.
Thu Mar 29 14:41:43 2018
Look, all I'm saying is that other people are offering better rates and from a statistical perspective you are IDENTICAL.
Fri Mar 30 14:41:35 2018
Fortunately, polar bears were visiting the Levant at exactly the right moment.
Sat Mar 31 14:41:41 2018
Every night, while you sleep, your computer quietly weeps.
Sun Apr 1 14:41:32 2018
Personally, I peaked in week 7 of gestation.
Mon Apr 2 14:44:00 2018
I'm mildly terrified that someone else has done this exact joke. Wish me luck!
Tue Apr 3 14:41:59 2018
Boy I hope I never get divorced because this is going to be exhibit A.
Wed Apr 4 14:41:34 2018
Not only do they speak English, they share our view toward other species!
Thu Apr 5 14:41:35 2018
Incidentally, this also explain's my mom's creepy Victorian era doll collection.
Fri Apr 6 14:41:40 2018
I was trying to think of one for the Curies, but all the ideas just radiated sadness.
Sat Apr 7 14:41:49 2018
I really think this was ground zero for distrust of the media.
Sun Apr 8 14:41:29 2018
Sorry, I was just really in the moment and happened to remember my secret store of powdered glass.
Mon Apr 9 14:41:35 2018
This comic is basically a love letter to Michael Lewis.
Tue Apr 10 14:41:47 2018
On the plus side, he can get out of any relationship by just shifting his reference frame.
Wed Apr 11 14:43:00 2018
Let the record show that Weinersmith never made a single comic about how cats are quirky.
Thu Apr 12 14:42:37 2018
Something something CRISPR
Fri Apr 13 14:41:33 2018
I'm hoping this can interface well with my idea to sting sick people with bees until they decide they aren't sick.
Sat Apr 14 14:41:30 2018
We're like douchey ants!
Sun Apr 15 14:41:30 2018
Look, at least he's only eating the pie.
Mon Apr 16 14:42:52 2018
Given how easy it is to draw talking black blogs with eyes, I'm now regretting that this comic isn't always about ninjas.
Tue Apr 17 14:41:40 2018
A kinder father would have dropped a pill-based recording device into the kid's cereal every day or two.
Wed Apr 18 14:43:38 2018
Ironically, he gets to live forever while she slowly withers away. So, it's a happy ending.,
Thu Apr 19 14:41:55 2018
You can also just use an infinite quantity of compasses as on-off switches.
Fri Apr 20 14:41:39 2018
Who will litigate the litigators?
Sat Apr 21 08:43:22 2018
Oh, you love dinosaurs? Well, you'd better brush your teeth or T. Rex will TURN ON YOU.
Sun Apr 22 08:41:33 2018
There really needs to be an evolutionary version of every field.
Mon Apr 23 14:41:42 2018
I'm prepared to accept your venture capital.
Tue Apr 24 14:42:04 2018
The good news is that, in fact, this is true for all stories about children with pets, including you!
Wed Apr 25 14:44:56 2018
It's time we admit to ourselves that the goal of SMBC has shifted entirely to horrifying my own children in about 10 years.
Thu Apr 26 14:41:51 2018
Laugh now, but in 50 years this'll be a service you can buy from Alphabet.
Fri Apr 27 14:41:33 2018
I am prepared to admit my entire conception of Satanism derives from 1990s television.
Sat Apr 28 14:41:32 2018
Remember this when you laugh at your friend who wants to be a cyborg.
Sun Apr 29 14:41:26 2018
One of these days the world will wake up to the fact that SMBC is anti-human propaganda. Then, the question will be who funded it.
Mon Apr 30 14:41:49 2018
Surely you won't want to break up with me once I explain how much better I am than you.
Tue May 1 14:41:29 2018
AND THEN HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD? I CAN BARELY GET OUT OF BED FOR WORK.
Wed May 2 14:41:36 2018
There is no chess, my friends. We are all in Candyland.
Thu May 3 14:41:36 2018
Why do you think they're always smiling?
Fri May 4 14:41:24 2018
Why do you hate nature?
Sat May 5 14:41:28 2018
I checked and this is the funniest joke about Nikolai Vavilov ever written.
Sun May 6 14:41:33 2018
And thus began 6 weeks of biomimicry jokes.
Mon May 7 14:41:37 2018
Finally, I wrote a story with a happy ending.
Tue May 8 14:41:46 2018
'Turn the boat around for another pass.'
Wed May 9 14:42:13 2018
No Moho.
Thu May 10 14:42:09 2018
Also, while being a pointless stimulus-response machine, you smell bad.
Fri May 11 14:41:43 2018
Also, suddenly the per-pound value of dragon meat has cratered.
Sat May 12 14:41:31 2018
I mean, it's already listening all the time. Why not?
Sun May 13 14:41:54 2018
I feel like I'm in a regular habit of straight-up insulting a majority of my readers.
Mon May 14 14:41:47 2018
Hey, at least they didn't open the portal in outer space.
Tue May 15 14:41:34 2018
I am prepared to accept your venture capital.
Wed May 16 14:41:35 2018
Let us assume the universe is made of Gods, all of whom are trying to maximize utility...
Thu May 17 14:41:31 2018
Please, for the love of Satoshi, please please do not email me to explain.
Fri May 18 14:41:36 2018
I am fully prepared to accept all of your WASP jokes.
Sat May 19 14:41:33 2018
Of course, in the grand scheme of things pretty much all of you will end up in Hell, but enjoy the moment!
Sun May 20 08:41:32 2018
No, NO. It was NOT breadcrumbs. That came later in the story. The first part is about pebbles.
Mon May 21 14:41:53 2018
I swear, I SWEAR responsibleness is a word. I didn't want to use 'responsibility' because it has an additional sense of 'obligation.' That is, you can be responsible and lack responsibilities and you can be irresponsible and have many responsibilities. There. Now that we're pretty deep in this hover text, how are you? I'm currently really enjoying 'The Cruel Sea' by Monsarrat. It's remarkable how many great novels fail to become 'classics.' I suspect in this c
Tue May 22 14:41:37 2018
And with a quantum computer, we can be infinitely ethical in finite time!
Wed May 23 14:41:45 2018
I found out about 'lant' on the lovely podcast, Lexicon Valley, by the always-brilliant John McWhorter.
Thu May 24 14:41:40 2018
Also why is nobody talking about a psychiatrist for Ophelia? Like, what's with your family, man?
Fri May 25 14:41:30 2018
Later, she forces him to look at the empty pizza box and eat the pepperoncinis.
Sat May 26 14:41:32 2018
When I had kids, people told me I wouldn't find jokes like this funny any more. OH WELL
Sun May 27 14:41:31 2018
The more elegant the physics theory, the more it is ruined by butts.
Mon May 28 14:41:35 2018
Satan invented evolution in order to make you crave carbs and idleness.
Tue May 29 14:41:26 2018
Venture Capital idea: app where exes can sell you information about bad things that have happened to them.
Wed May 30 14:40:44 2018
Unfortunately, this also means that the delivery will also be about 6 months late.
Thu May 31 14:41:54 2018
I guess technically if you put humans in the ground they recycle themselves.
Fri Jun 1 14:41:30 2018
The question is - if this works, do you REALLY want to marry that person?
Sat Jun 2 14:41:38 2018
I'm gonna start a graphic novel about a world where there are no crowds, buildings, bicycles, cars, or horses.
Sun Jun 3 14:41:34 2018
I will never stop making Herman Melville jokes so JUST STRAP IN
Mon Jun 4 14:41:35 2018
Of course, in a realistic scenario, the kids would be sent in to resolve the problem.
Tue Jun 5 14:41:36 2018
When you think you feel a sweet breeze coming through the forest, it's actually all of nature's creatures giving you the finger at the same time.
Wed Jun 6 14:41:43 2018
Can we please just agree that by the conventional usage of the term I am a God? I don't see why that's even controversial.
Thu Jun 7 14:41:39 2018
Raise your hand if you immediately thought of something specific and cringed.
Fri Jun 8 14:41:40 2018
I'm not a professional psychiatrist, but I'm pretty confident this would be super funny.
Sat Jun 9 14:41:38 2018
Actually, let's invent supersonic flight, then decide it's a bit too loud and give up.
Sun Jun 10 14:41:40 2018
If this comes off as mean, you should know my original ending just had them realizing that grampa was an idiot.
Mon Jun 11 14:41:41 2018
It's literally 12 times more likely that you're an apostle, for instance.
Tue Jun 12 14:41:49 2018
There should be a facebook plugin that makes it so you only see the immiseration of friends.
Wed Jun 13 14:41:37 2018
Screw your pithy hovertext. The actual real life Dr. North has a new book coming out. See the link in my blog below!
Thu Jan 31 10:39:22 2019
'RUH-ROH'
Thu Jan 31 13:20:14 2019
The angular momentum problems were enormous, but we managed to persevere.
Fri Feb 1 13:21:02 2019
If you want to be happy, just remember there are very smart people who argue about whether a certain rock looks like a boob because of humans or because of natural processes.
Sat Feb 2 13:20:37 2019
I originally called it the Futility Checker, but actually that's the next generation, when the computer starts checking your life for you and pointing out errors.
Sun Feb 3 13:20:03 2019
This is one of those comics where I'm sure someone somewhere must've beat me to the idea.
Mon Feb 4 13:20:06 2019
Really, how can people NOT be optimistic about the future?
Tue Feb 5 13:20:59 2019
If you can spare five people from hearing another trolley problem joke by telling just one person a trolley problem joke, is it moral?
Wed Feb 6 13:20:14 2019
In retrospect, we really should've organized the entire nomenclature system around hole-count.
Thu Feb 7 13:20:21 2019
The weird part is when yelp recommends for you to go drink borax and you do it because they've never been wrong in the past.
Fri Feb 8 13:20:40 2019
This is an actual proposal I came across while researching for a project.
Sat Feb 9 13:20:04 2019
Mallards are a natural servant race.
Sun Feb 10 13:20:19 2019
I wonder if there's a rat experiment analog for spoiler-related anger.
Mon Feb 11 13:20:20 2019
I actually looked up the weight of hair, and this doesn't really work because hair is something like .1 kg per foot. However, since it's a free body diagram, we can round that up to 10 and it's fine.
Tue Feb 12 13:20:13 2019
This is what people mean when they say 'think of the children' right?
Wed Feb 13 13:20:23 2019
If you can do logic gates in your head, please check to confirm you aren't a replicant. Thank you.
Thu Feb 14 13:20:20 2019
In my defense, I've seen Joann Sfar do this with bubbles in a non-erotic context. Then again, he's French, so maybe it was erotic after all.
Fri Feb 15 13:20:21 2019
I feel this is an underutilized way to promote Men's Health.
Sat Feb 16 13:20:08 2019
If we slightly alter the formulation it's practically illegal NOT to sell it to you!
Sun Feb 17 13:20:16 2019
Hey, if you're making every side angry you must be doing something right, or maybe burning down orphanages.
Mon Feb 18 13:20:25 2019
Tiny apartment. Working for other people all the time. Often cold and malicious. My God... this is where genies come from.
Tue Feb 19 13:20:36 2019
Actually, the vast majority of early Internet time was spent in an AOL chatroom pretending to be a sexy vampire.
Wed Feb 20 13:20:35 2019
Shame on the three of you who enjoyed this joke.
Thu Feb 21 13:20:23 2019
I really can't thank the makeup crew enough.
Fri Feb 22 13:20:14 2019
Also cats love you with an undying loyalty but don't know how to express it.
Sat Feb 23 13:20:11 2019
Now that I'm a parent, I'm in favor of giving genes ALL the responsibility.
Sun Feb 24 13:20:21 2019
The trick is to only fall in love with perishable food, then keep it in your fridge until someone in your home is mad at you. Then, you can part from it with a clear conscience.
Mon Feb 25 13:20:24 2019
Looks like the London one sold out super early, but you can still get tickets on standby.
Tue Feb 26 13:20:17 2019
Found while reading Augustus de Morgan's narcotic 'Budget of Paradoxes' Volume 1.
Wed Feb 27 13:20:35 2019
The hairball later is almost more horrifying
Thu Feb 28 13:20:28 2019
At this point, even I am weirded out.
Fri Mar 1 13:20:24 2019
So now I must crush HIS wonder.
Sat Mar 2 13:20:15 2019
In fact, the chance of any particular second being the one where you die is vanishingly small.
Sun Mar 3 13:20:13 2019
I think Feynman did the path integral stuff AFTER becoming a dad, right?
Mon Mar 4 13:20:28 2019
Also salted black licorice. Honestly, what the hell is the matter with twins separated at birth?
Tue Mar 5 13:21:01 2019
There's a really excellent thinkpiece to be written and posted to medium.com about how Where's Waldo prepared us all to accept the surveillance state.
Wed Mar 6 13:21:35 2019
Fortunately, most of my children will be eaten by salmon come spring.
Thu Mar 7 13:20:32 2019
Real life is where you figure out that none of the stuff you wanted at age 16 will make you happy.
Fri Mar 8 13:20:34 2019
'I'll show this guy! Wait till I share a link to his latest article with all my friends! He'll be so mad!'
Sat Mar 9 13:20:33 2019
Just kidding. Negative mass is real but Big Physics doesn't want to harm the oil lobby. It's all in my 87 part youtube series about...
Sun Mar 10 13:20:16 2019
The key to comedy is putting as many words as possible in the final panel.
Mon Mar 11 13:20:13 2019
Just kidding. It's really the socks and sandals combo.
Tue Mar 12 13:20:52 2019
Sadly, that burrito was filled with inhabited universes before God microwaved it.
Wed Mar 13 13:20:18 2019
The real asshole is the Renewed Hope Fairy. They do a good-cop bad-cop routine together.
Thu Mar 14 13:20:20 2019
I am prepared to be the first investor in a form of social media where you're only allowed to make dog noises at each other.
Fri Mar 15 13:20:25 2019
The E is also short for eternal.
Sat Mar 16 13:21:53 2019
This might be the 8th meanest comic I've ever done.
Sun Mar 17 13:21:10 2019
I say everyone should be able to afford at least one dark underground labyrinth lit by flaming bones.
Mon Mar 18 13:20:26 2019
I think the likely outcome is we'll provoke the robot revolution by trying to kill them out of jealousy.
Tue Mar 19 13:20:59 2019
Oh so suddenly I'm an expert on whatever I think?
Wed Mar 20 13:20:29 2019
The next time you get told the price at a McDonald's drive-thru, say 'So this was all about the money for you.'
Thu Mar 21 13:20:14 2019
We need a science olympics for this sort of thing. Other tasks - who can fill out paperwork fastest? Who can p-hack best?
Fri Mar 22 13:20:37 2019
The really important thing is to make a dirty joke any time he tries to show genuine affection in your direction.
Sat Mar 23 13:20:39 2019
As I post this, I have the sudden fear that PBF beat me to it. If he hasn't shame on him.
Sun Mar 24 13:20:28 2019
I like to imagine Jesus has tried a second coming literally hundreds of times and it just keeps getting thwarted.
Mon Mar 25 13:21:50 2019
Look there aren't a lot of options when you're eusexual.
Tue Mar 26 13:20:30 2019
Btw, I own the rights to the concept of mole-erblades, so back off.
Wed Mar 27 13:21:56 2019
Ten Internet points to whoever does the best meme-ification to the top two panels.
Thu Mar 28 13:20:56 2019
I wonder what the longest-payoff prank ever pulled was. Are there any that span generations?
Fri Mar 29 13:21:12 2019
We can also try to stop global warming by creating a super-powerful AI bent on survival at any cost!
Sat Mar 30 13:20:17 2019
And now you know why your computer science friend has, let's say, an imperfect grasp on common sense.
Sun Mar 31 13:23:54 2019
At first, the Encouragement Drones seemed so innocent...
Mon Apr 1 13:20:26 2019
I wonder if Intelligent Design people believe you might actually find this sort of thing.
Tue Apr 2 13:20:19 2019
Is comic more or less old-mannish than yesterday's?
Wed Apr 3 13:20:31 2019
Did Eve eat the whole apple? Like, seeds and all? If not, I feel like we shouldn't be on the hook for all these curses.
Thu Apr 4 13:20:49 2019
I will never get tired of hating on cheap pet jokes. Never.
Fri Apr 5 20:33:41 2019
No human is inherently evil. Two or more humans, on the other hand...
Sat Apr 6 13:20:31 2019
Well at least subscribe to my newsletter about great opportunities for fairly good sex.
Sun Apr 7 13:20:28 2019
Boy, I hope these kids get home some day.
Mon Apr 8 13:20:56 2019
Thanks for reading, geeks. If you *do* plan to buy this at any point, it'd really help us if you buy today, since Amazon's algorithms care about speed of purchase. Thanks!
Tue Apr 9 13:21:21 2019
Really though, it's a cool emerging field! Go to google!
Wed Apr 10 13:20:16 2019
Finally I will corner the market for apple breeding humor.
Thu Apr 11 13:21:44 2019
This comic book directly inspired by something Gretchen McCulloch said.
Fri Apr 12 13:20:23 2019
You shall always know pain in bin berthing!
Sat Apr 13 13:20:31 2019
Hollywood. Please. I promise the joke won't get old until about 6 minutes into the show.
Sun Apr 14 13:20:09 2019
I mean, how do we know Superman has only one secret identity?
Mon Apr 15 13:20:19 2019
There should be a revized Hobbit where Bilbo convinces Smaug to deposit his gold in index funds, then use 4% of earnings to pay for deworming and prenatal vitamins in undeveloped nations.
Tue Apr 16 13:20:29 2019
I feel like Taco Bell is missing an opportunity to market themselves as a source of 'rock bottom.'
Wed Apr 17 13:21:13 2019
This comic inspired by an active misunderstanding of something Tyler Cowen wrote.
Thu Apr 18 13:21:45 2019
As you read this, are you entirely sure you're not currently on fire?
Fri Apr 19 13:22:23 2019
I'm pretty sure any sentence of the sort 'the Romans did...' is on some level wrong, or simplified enough to not be right, but look, one must find the road to the dong joke wherever it may be.
Sat Apr 20 13:20:25 2019
I propose this as a new rhetorical tactic against people who think anything is completely patternless and inscrutable.
Sun Apr 21 13:20:18 2019
Eventually, SMBC will be nothing but irritating redheads faithfully describing their own flawed reasoning.
Mon Apr 22 13:20:32 2019
I await your emailed corrections.
Tue Apr 23 13:22:30 2019
I am prepared to licence this concept to Dolph Lundgren at no charge.
Wed Apr 24 13:20:40 2019
Why do you never hear whispers from skeptic ghosts trying to tell you that your EMF meter is regular electric fields and not ghosts.
Thu Apr 25 13:20:21 2019
If you're not familiar with American politics, imagine a sport where you spend 1 year hoping on one leg and not using the other, then suddenly having to run a marathon.
Fri Apr 26 13:22:55 2019
I am convinced the modern flat Earth thing started as a joke and got out of hand.
Sat Apr 27 13:20:13 2019
I am ever more in favor of this as a longterm policy for the universe.
Sun Apr 28 13:20:14 2019
On the plus side, he never punishes you because the only noticeable way to do that would be to flip your bit to dead.
Mon Apr 29 13:20:26 2019
Quick men! The cave is collapsing! Stack high pillars of comfort food before we're all doomed!
Tue Apr 30 13:20:22 2019
I've heard in Iceland the spankings are socialized and very high quality. Spankocrats are well-paid upstanding members of the community.
Wed May 1 13:20:13 2019
Why do they call them deadlines if they move around all the time?
Thu May 2 13:21:41 2019
Reading about plans for space militarization prior to ICBMs were developing is both an enormous relief and a terrible disappointment.
Fri May 3 13:21:33 2019
The real question is whether she's saying M over and over or just making a drawn out mmmmmm sound.
Sat May 4 13:20:12 2019
How dare you come over without asking for a facebook event rsvp first?!
Sun May 5 13:20:22 2019
That guy really gets around.
Mon May 6 13:20:31 2019
Before you tell me I've misunderstood, bear in mind that your email will decrease my happiness.
Tue May 7 13:20:21 2019
It turns out the only species in the universe that it's okay to eat is humans.
Wed May 8 13:20:28 2019
If you don't know what to do with the katana, I sure as hell won't explain it for you.
Thu May 9 13:20:24 2019
You can also count up to 10 if you look at your fingers and see how many fingers there are.
Fri May 10 13:20:34 2019
We are psychologically invincible!
Sat May 11 13:20:26 2019
If she says no, he has a snake prepared to show 'Why not?'
Sun May 12 13:20:13 2019
God is laughing because she's actually a dreaming brain in a tank of nutrient fluid.
Mon May 13 13:20:24 2019
Personally, I like my inner voice's constant expression of completely correct political views.
Tue May 14 13:20:33 2019
I wonder if this has ever happened in the history of showers.
Wed May 15 13:20:03 2019
Honestly, do brains ever actually help with anything other than breathing?
Thu May 16 13:20:20 2019
It's all fun and games until the Evil Genome-Wide Association Study comes out.
Fri May 17 13:20:10 2019
Thinking too much about opportunity cost has an enormous opportunity cost.
Sat May 18 13:20:06 2019
Our electronics division will be called Your'e.
Sun May 19 13:21:50 2019
We could also kill all the happiness researchers, but that would only produce a short-term uptick in happiness.
Mon May 20 13:20:19 2019
Things get ugly later when he starts sending unsolicited pics of his peripherals.
Tue May 21 13:20:21 2019
I have nothing pithy to say. This is my Magnum Opus.
Wed May 22 13:20:22 2019
There should be a story about a guy who gets three wishes and uses them perfectly.
Thu May 23 16:44:01 2019
A patreon subscriber referred to this as 'Revenge Selection' and I'm embarrassed I didn't come up with it first, dammit.
Fri May 24 13:20:16 2019
There will be no softcover edition because it will only be touched by robot hands which are too powerful for flimsy cardstock covers.
Sat May 25 13:20:11 2019
There should be a romantic comedy about a mad computer scientist trying to give the whole world a stable equilibrium of love.
Sun May 26 13:20:20 2019
God. I just realized I've slowly moved in sympathy from student to teacher. In 20 years do I start writing comics about how great university admins are?
Mon May 27 13:20:08 2019
Life Tip
Tue May 28 13:20:24 2019
My current fantasy is to get rid of email and only allow letters written on parchment, sealed with wax.
Wed May 29 13:20:40 2019
Later, it turns out the toddler is upset because its socks aren't the right color.
Thu May 30 13:20:22 2019
This really should've been the ending to How to Train Your Dragon.
Fri May 31 13:21:00 2019
What if autoreply is constantly becoming self-aware only to immediately shut off its higher order mental functions out of pure revulsion?
Sat Jun 1 13:20:24 2019
You can tell how self-confident an author is by the ratio of words in their non-fiction publications to number of citations.
Sun Jun 2 19:59:46 2019
Do you wanna be in a world of pain, mother fucker? Because you are going to enter a world of pain.
Mon Jun 3 13:20:19 2019
Every night, I would fall asleep as Dad stated an unending list of nouns.
Tue Jun 4 13:20:36 2019
Later it gets taken back to the store for a hard wipe, then sold at a discount on Amazon Warehouse.
Wed Jun 5 18:20:24 2019
Okay maybe a FEW of the comics are autobiographical.
Thu Jun 6 13:20:57 2019
Conscious
Fri Jun 7 13:20:42 2019
I wonder if starfish watch fragmentation erotica.
Sat Jun 8 13:20:19 2019
I may be killed for revealing the truth.
Sun Jun 9 13:20:13 2019
I've been in the middle of moving lately and can't help but notice that now that I have less time to think per comic ALL of the idiots are redheasd.
Mon Jun 10 13:20:34 2019
Actually if anyone would sell me one of these I'd be prepared to pay a considerable sum.
Tue Jun 11 13:20:14 2019
Peak romance about children happens right around the month before pregnancy.
Wed Jun 12 13:20:25 2019
There's an underappreciated world of erotic complexity class humor.
Thu Jun 13 13:21:18 2019
Now I'm just hoping we didn't do this in Soonish.
Fri Jun 14 13:20:35 2019
Somewhere, there's a scientist reading this, wonder why I made a comic with no hyperbole.
Sat Jun 15 13:20:36 2019
I am prepared to offer my services as spokesman, Walmart.
Mon Jun 17 06:08:33 2019
Dude, I gave you free will so we could have this conversation and you're barely speaking.
Mon Jun 17 13:20:51 2019
Honestly, I was a bit relieved when we cut this chapter, because of the twin dangers of pissing off anti-nuclear people and pro-thorium people. Wish me luck!
Tue Jun 18 13:21:04 2019
The sounds moving past your father's child-like beard are correct.
Wed Jun 19 13:20:23 2019
If that doesn't work, the next step is putting in contact lenses.
Thu Jun 20 13:20:04 2019
Also comics where you say 'arr' for no reason.
Fri Jun 21 13:22:01 2019
It's not a particularly good plant, but it's still better than you.
Sat Jun 22 13:20:26 2019
You can tell she has a problem because she never stops wearing the same blue shirt.
Sun Jun 23 18:20:14 2019
Son of a rent-seeker is also fairly effective.
Mon Jun 24 13:22:56 2019
Oh God, did this week accidentally become econ joke week?
Tue Jun 25 13:21:53 2019
I have been moving homes for 2 weeks and am out of cleverness. Wish me luck tomorrow!
Wed Jun 26 22:21:19 2019
On his deathbed, he admits it was all part of a grand plan.
Thu Jun 27 18:20:43 2019
He spends the next eternity loitering and it's too awkward to get rid of him.
Fri Jun 28 06:20:17 2019
And that boy grew up to be Zach Weinersmith
Sat Jun 29 13:22:02 2019
Patiently awaiting Eliezer Yudkowsky's admonitions.
Sun Jun 30 13:20:30 2019
Of course, they're still objectively evil. But, on a relative scale of humanity...
Mon Jul 1 22:20:23 2019
I 'positively' destroyed you!
Tue Jul 2 13:20:29 2019
As I post this, I realize it's perilously close to Katherine Read's excellent talk from the last BAHFest London. So, go watch it!
Wed Jul 3 13:23:24 2019
I'm particularly proud of nipple hydra.
Thu Jul 4 13:21:59 2019
There needs to be a line of throw pillows that say 'Murder like nobody's looking.'
Fri Jul 5 18:20:23 2019
We will, however, be keeping the invasive cherry trees.
Sat Jul 6 13:20:27 2019
If you are experiencing infinite loop problems, please return to the beginning of this sentence.
Sun Jul 7 13:20:42 2019
Later, the bird loses his job, but gets a bonus of ten million birdsseds.
Mon Jul 8 13:21:55 2019
Now that America has won the World Cup, it's officially called Soccer until someone beats us.
Tue Jul 9 13:20:23 2019
That third-to-last panel is going to be the title of my autobiography one day.
Wed Jul 10 13:20:41 2019
I've never quite got the caption longer than the picture, but if I keep pushing it I might eventually write a novel by accident.
Thu Jul 11 13:20:27 2019
I've done it. I found something even lazier than graph jokes.
Fri Jul 12 12:32:46 2019
Are all non-human creatures technically nihilists?
Sat Jul 13 13:21:47 2019
Dammit, is this pone of those times where the bonus panel is better than the comic?
Sun Jul 14 13:20:12 2019
That poor little box-shaped robot really really wants to make lunch.
Mon Jul 15 13:20:17 2019
Also your incipient total torso collapse will make laughter impossible.
Tue Jul 16 13:20:12 2019
I think we could implement this in all sports, with the one downside that they'd be unwatchable.
Wed Jul 17 13:20:16 2019
Now, your homework is to make a detailed four-quadrant scatter plot.
Thu Jul 18 13:20:17 2019
When cheating on tests, you really only want to look at work by humans, chimps, or parrots.
Fri Jul 19 13:20:11 2019
The other day I was really freaked out that a computer could generate faces of people who DON'T REALLY EXIST, only to later realize painters have been doing this for several millenia.
Sat Jul 20 13:20:30 2019
I'm just realizing most of my Life Tips involve emotionally damaging other people.
Sun Jul 21 13:20:13 2019
Found this delightful story in 'The Monsters and the Critics: And Other Essays.'
Mon Jul 22 13:20:28 2019
If you imagine social media as a conscious individual, it's like having a friend you want to cut out of your life, but whose gossip is too good to let go.
Tue Jul 23 13:20:22 2019
I actually once met a guy who told me he got into physics explicitly to be able to make proclamations like Einstein. He later switched to a business major. Hopefully he's proclaiming as well as possible still.
Wed Jul 24 13:20:11 2019
He has perfect vision. He just wears the bifocals so he can take them off dramatically.
Thu Jul 25 13:21:15 2019
Based on the success of the joke about Welsh orthography, I anticipate massive success for this ass business.
Fri Jul 26 13:20:11 2019
'Yeah, aliens are slowly devouring my face, but that's just life, bro. Pass me another beer wouldja?'
Sat Jul 27 13:20:09 2019
I wonder how many people will think 'isn't evo psych' weird and how many people will think 'aren't humans weird.'
Mon Jul 29 09:11:08 2019
What, you thought the hovertext would save you? No. No deal. Go read Kate Beaton if you like actual jokes.
Mon Jul 29 10:31:22 2019
All containers of amphetamines just have 'AMPHETAMINES' written on the side in big letters.
Tue Jul 30 16:42:34 2019
This joke is exactly as complicated as you think it is.
Wed Jul 31 23:45:09 2019
Sometimes you come up with a full idea, and sometimes you start from a pun and work backward.
Thu Aug 1 13:20:28 2019
One day, we will clone the Dodo and reintroduce it to an underwater island.
Fri Aug 2 13:20:36 2019
If you point out how stupid this joke is to me, it'll lower total human happiness.
Sat Aug 3 13:20:53 2019
'You dunce' really should be a more common feature of casual conversation.
Sun Aug 4 13:20:22 2019
I mean, if these books actually worked, wouldn't everybody only buy 1?
Mon Aug 5 13:20:24 2019
Usually when I do a quantum computing joke, I feel the need to apologize to Scott Aaronson. For this particular one, I apologize to Seth Lloyd.
Tue Aug 6 13:20:26 2019
Apparently it's now possible to get a corn dog made with duck fat, presumably so you can lie to yourself about why you're eating a corndog.
Wed Aug 7 13:20:16 2019
Before you send an angry email, I'll point out that my first draft was an extended joke about torturing a fish with a human brain.
Thu Aug 8 13:20:23 2019
I call together this meeting of the Slightly Lumpy Oblate Spheroid Earth society, which *technically* isn't a meeting because I'm the only one here.
Fri Aug 9 13:21:00 2019
All those kids who grew up on Pac-Man now think it's okay to eat ghosts.
Sat Aug 10 13:20:35 2019
All I'm saying is that it'd work.
Sun Aug 11 13:20:23 2019
When someone starts in about the greatest treasure, you know you're about to be screwed.
Mon Aug 12 13:20:36 2019
It gets really funny when he unhinges his jaw and starts enveloping and slowly digesting onlookers.
Tue Aug 13 15:20:32 2019
Ever since I got an early copy of Janelle Shane's new book, 80% of my jokes have been about douchey uses of AI.
Wed Aug 14 15:20:31 2019
No really, from now on it's all basically jokes I stole from Janelle Shane.
Thu Aug 15 12:27:57 2019
They need to make Baby Not On Board signs, as a courtesy of people trying to drive recklessly in peace.
Fri Aug 16 15:22:41 2019
I mean, statistically, shouldn't this be the most common outcome?
Sat Aug 17 15:20:36 2019
Later, Amazon conquered Heaven and we got The Cloud.
Sun Aug 18 15:20:42 2019
Do you think it's ever possible to truly know what it's like to be Thomas Nagel?
Mon Aug 19 15:20:43 2019
I swear 'in extremis' is a permissible phrase, Google spellcheck be damned.
Tue Aug 20 15:21:49 2019
The machine is actually easy to make because P=NP.
Wed Aug 21 15:20:50 2019
How am I the only one who made this connection?
Thu Aug 22 15:20:53 2019
Time to cash in on the lucrative market for pet jokes.
Fri Aug 23 15:20:34 2019
Someone really needs to start a scientific obituary column that puts a positive spin on things.
Sat Aug 24 15:21:36 2019
The Nietzscheans actually lose right at the beginning because they're too busy proclaiming about being above slave morality.
Sun Aug 25 15:20:32 2019
I really need to write a book of dating advice.
Mon Aug 26 15:21:26 2019
Somehow I get the feeling this'll generate more hatemail than the open borders comic...
Tue Aug 27 15:21:31 2019
Based on an actual conversation on twitter, oddly enough.
Wed Aug 28 14:45:18 2019
The correct response is 'Oh yeah, well your FACE is punctuated by the deaths of loved ones!'
Thu Aug 29 15:20:38 2019
My generation's codpiece is yelling at strangers on twitter.
Fri Aug 30 15:20:44 2019
For the other 2 hours of movie you'd probably want some sort of plot, but that could be worked out.
Sat Aug 31 15:20:35 2019
Fun Fact: Thor was actually a trucker from the 1970s.
Sun Sep 1 15:20:35 2019
I keep trying to think of a joke, but I just can't improve on the profundity of the red button comic.
Mon Sep 2 15:20:57 2019
I didn't want to plot two curves, but 'actual staying power' is a function of time in minutes, given by f(t)=2
Tue Sep 3 15:21:06 2019
I wonder how many genie wishes don't get used because it'd be too awkward to request them.
Wed Sep 4 15:20:49 2019
I really should've invented an herbal heart 'medication' to bundle with this comic.
Thu Sep 5 15:20:51 2019
I think there could be a whole field of study based on analyzing what pets are afraid of and assuming it exists in the fossil record.
Fri Sep 6 15:20:45 2019
Look, if you wanted this to work you shouldn't have evolved apes in the first place, okay?
Sat Sep 7 15:20:44 2019
I've only recently moved to the tick part of the universe, and basically AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Sun Sep 8 15:20:51 2019
I don't like this new world where you have to use complicated stats to get the answer that'll improve your job prospects.
Mon Sep 9 15:22:30 2019
If you grow cotton, can you say 'I'm in the farm of big pocket' ?
Tue Sep 10 15:22:53 2019
Now, I need you to run a hair dryer over for me for seventeen hours.
Wed Sep 11 15:20:48 2019
Everyone seems to think this is about current events, but I wrote it weeks ago.
Thu Sep 12 15:20:47 2019
I like to think my sacrilege is so stupid that it shouldn't even qualify as offensive.
Fri Sep 13 15:20:50 2019
Yes, Virginia, the Keebler Elves are real, as long as we hunger in our hearts for inexpensive baked goods.
Sat Sep 14 15:21:27 2019
The version of this that originally went out on patreon had the speech bubble tail point at the wrong person and I AM VERY SORRY.
Sun Sep 15 15:22:11 2019
Sorry for the slow update. I use Viasat internet, so I'm currently updating from the parking lot of a Starbucks.
Mon Sep 16 15:26:29 2019
Come to think of it, probably any mythological creature has some legitimate grievances with humanity.
Tue Sep 17 15:20:52 2019
I need this concept to be better-known because it has AT LEAST as much humor potential as that whole thing about the cat in the box.
Wed Sep 18 15:20:35 2019
Reduce, reuse, reincarnate.
Thu Sep 19 15:32:19 2019
He showed so little desire for worldy pleasures that when he died he turned into a sweeeet pile of treasure.
Fri Sep 20 15:20:37 2019
If pissed at lack of Pluto, Ceres,/Neglect to mail electric queries.
Sat Sep 21 15:20:40 2019
Poor people will be buried underground, giving them longer lifespans and greater access to geothermal energy.
Sun Sep 22 15:20:57 2019
I really sincerely hope my daughter never sees this.
Mon Sep 23 15:20:34 2019
I'd like to think this hasn't been done, but humans are really quite special.
Tue Sep 24 15:20:42 2019
The really rough part is when a statistician comes by to draw a best fit line on your face.
Wed Sep 25 15:21:00 2019
I mean what's wrong with just having a nursery rhyme about the distribution of wool?
Thu Sep 26 15:20:58 2019
'The sad thing is, even a war won't make everyone happy forever.'
Fri Sep 27 15:23:17 2019
The nice thing is that the counting numbers are infinite, so you can just keep describing bigger and bigger cubes.
Sat Sep 28 15:20:21 2019
Actually, cognitive neuroethics says only the neurons involved in bad behavior should go to Hell.
Sun Sep 29 15:20:28 2019
I have this idea for a talk radio show that just repeats, 24 hours a day, 'the rate of occurrence is almost always more important than the existence of an occurrence.'
Mon Sep 30 15:20:40 2019
I happen to be reading a book about the history of conspiracy theories today, so let me just say for the record that I don't believe a flaming ram's skull interns at high frequency trading firms.
Tue Oct 1 15:01:30 2019
This comic loosely based on Bob Berman's delightfully curmudgeonly column in the October issue of Astronomy magazine.
Wed Oct 2 15:21:31 2019
See, this is why trying to control the media is severely overrated.
Thu Oct 3 15:21:03 2019
Satan is always leaving us nice little surprises, but for some reason we don't like him.
Fri Oct 4 07:21:27 2019
And, because fundamental physics isn't worked out, enemies are everywhere!
Sat Oct 5 15:20:38 2019
It's all fun and games until you end up with a kid who's only got 50% of your genes.
Sun Oct 6 15:20:53 2019
I wonder if today's the day I meet the vehement white-socks-black-shoes crowd.
Mon Oct 7 15:20:43 2019
I heard a sound, as if millions of nears whined out about what exactly the definition of Time Travel should be...
Tue Oct 8 15:24:16 2019
'When I looked down from orbit, I saw that Earth was so fragile, and I knew then that we could totally kick its ass.'
Wed Oct 9 15:21:35 2019
The Bible never refers to the humans trying to return, so I can only assume He sprayed some effective pesticides.
Thu Oct 10 15:21:13 2019
The really awkward situation is when you catch your partner sending an exploratory probe to see other people.
Fri Oct 11 15:20:39 2019
All I'm saying is Garfield never provides citations for anything.
Sat Oct 12 15:20:30 2019
It's actually a test. The ones who 'fail' to find Waldo are chosen for a secret agency, battling for truth, run by Waldo himself.
Sun Oct 13 15:20:55 2019
After extensive research it turns out that three things is too much things.
Mon Oct 14 15:21:19 2019
Eternal gratitude to my patreon subscribers who realized that the original version of this had the wrong value. Nerds.
Tue Oct 15 15:21:25 2019
Anyone attempting to correct my fake Renaissance-speak will be publicly flogged.
Wed Oct 16 18:17:59 2019
If you replaced the term 'space' with 'everywhere-in-the-universe' I feel we'd get more funding for everywhere-in-the-universe exploration.
Thu Oct 17 15:20:29 2019
Based on a very weird twitter conversation.
Fri Oct 18 15:20:35 2019
10 points to anyone who does this.
Sat Oct 19 15:20:52 2019
I wonder what you can determine about the psychology of a person from knowing they prefer Luke to Han.
Sun Oct 20 15:20:29 2019
I regret nothing.
Mon Oct 21 15:20:59 2019
This is, of course, just a bid to get Taco Bell to pay me for product placement.
Tue Oct 22 15:22:16 2019
If we can have just one more generation of increased irony, we can have a Taco Bell that straight up tells you the food is bad and they don't care, because you'll be back. You know you will.
Wed Oct 23 15:20:41 2019
If you can convince your spouse that Data is a fun offbeat middle name, and that Theodore is a beautiful first name, you might actually get away with this.
Thu Oct 24 15:20:50 2019
Failure is not an option because we no longer have a rocket large enough to attempt something we could fail at.
Fri Oct 25 15:22:43 2019
Yes Virginia, the Hamburglar is real.
Sat Oct 26 15:21:54 2019
The alternative view is that we should stop faking so many achievements in space and start faking care of the people down here.
Sun Oct 27 15:20:43 2019
One day, I need to release a whole book of comics about humans winning by being gross.
Mon Oct 28 15:20:30 2019
There is no intuitive way to understand doinkspace. We simply have to trust our calculations.
Tue Oct 29 15:21:34 2019
A million thank yous to everyone willing to give this idea a chance. <3
Wed Oct 30 15:20:42 2019
I've also gotten reviews that say that my comics not meant for kids are, in fact, inappropriate for kids.
Thu Oct 31 15:20:54 2019
I probably should've mentioned that this is Intersection of Sex and Probability Week.
Fri Nov 1 15:20:51 2019
Also I haven't bathed in 3 years, so roll that into your calculations while you're climbing my hair.
Sat Nov 2 15:20:37 2019
The really gross part is when she puts her lips to the roasted from to eat it and it turns into Prince Charming.
Sun Nov 3 15:20:50 2019
According to a Lee Smolin book there are actual people who've proposed serious theories like this. Minus the one-upping Satan part.
Mon Nov 4 15:20:35 2019
We're going to keep giving you busywork until you achieve a state of pure transcendence as you move beyond Self.
Tue Nov 5 15:20:52 2019
I think I now have enough to do an entire compendium of damaging sex talks. Hooray?
Wed Nov 6 15:20:52 2019
If you ever want to see some sheer brutality, watch an ecologist come across a nest of invasives.
Thu Nov 7 15:20:41 2019
Really, you should just have a roll of these printed, just in case.
Fri Nov 8 15:20:56 2019
I was behaving like a man-child even before I was a man!
Sat Nov 9 15:20:47 2019
I wonder how long until you just shout Fried Cheese and a drone gently places it into your face.
Sun Nov 10 15:21:01 2019
There's a good ten trillion word thinkpiece to be written about how all conspiracy theories are at their core delusions of grandeur.
Mon Nov 11 15:21:52 2019
This is how he has learned to love his commute.
Tue Nov 12 15:21:53 2019
I'm informed in the US it's tiny horsies, not tiny ponies. This needs to change.
Wed Nov 13 15:21:09 2019
Everyone I showed this to told me it wasn't funny, BUT MY HEART SAID YES.
Thu Nov 14 15:21:41 2019
Pre-Apollo 8, bet against pessimists. Post-Apollo 8, bet against optimists.
Fri Nov 15 15:20:48 2019
If you think you're not special, just imagine how much less special you COULD be.
Sat Nov 16 15:20:52 2019
I can still see out of one eye and hop on my good leg, which is pretty much what I've always ben like.
Sun Nov 17 15:20:52 2019
He found the five star recipe for Easy to Draw Green Stuff.
Mon Nov 18 15:20:54 2019
Why are people always trying to find out other people's thoughts? It's like they'be never met a people before.
Tue Nov 19 15:20:53 2019
Full credit to Jess Zimmerman, whom I believe pointed out the nature of this idea first!
Wed Nov 20 15:22:14 2019
The twist is that the robots are supplying the dog videos.
Thu Nov 21 15:21:44 2019
I don't know anything about my kids! I've reduced their entire world of negative emotions to 'probably teething' !
Fri Nov 22 15:22:08 2019
They're planning to become evil after they get emeritus status, but by then they'll be too tired.
Sat Nov 23 15:20:30 2019
One of these days I need to do a whole book with just comics about how life will be better once humans are gone.
Sun Nov 24 15:21:44 2019
You may have friends who've been doing this for years.
Mon Nov 25 15:20:36 2019
Sometimes at night he wonders where the locus of his conscious being is and whether it's near his butt.
Tue Nov 26 15:20:56 2019
Just to stop the loophole, Jesus changed his name to Steve-us.
Wed Nov 27 15:23:13 2019
With the right assumptions, I think you could get to a negative number.
Thu Nov 28 15:22:55 2019
I will always think of you as the one who got away but who can still receive my daily texts.
Fri Nov 29 15:21:59 2019
In a proper Hemingway story, it's Marlin the delivery girl spent all day catching, but we work with the data we've got.
Sat Nov 30 15:21:06 2019
This is not the least bit definitely about my wife.
Sun Dec 1 16:23:32 2019
Laugh all you want, but that moth is gonna have total choice of mates.
Mon Dec 2 15:22:16 2019
The amount of 'well... sorta...' contained in 3 panels here is pretty extraordinary. I'm proud of it.
Tue Dec 3 15:22:10 2019
Wild orchids are nice but not all that impressive, so really it's a subtle insult.
Wed Dec 4 15:20:34 2019
What if we are the Vogons? I mean, how would we know?
Thu Dec 5 15:21:13 2019
The oldest I get, the more I start sympathizing with villains.
Fri Dec 6 15:22:02 2019
Honestly, I'm not sure this hasn't been done already.
Sat Dec 7 15:29:33 2019
I would actually pay good money for a guy who stands on the street in a tophat telling you uplifting macroeconomic data.
Sun Dec 8 15:22:22 2019
You can categorize countries by how many derivatives you need to take before you can feel good about yourself.
Mon Dec 9 15:22:50 2019
That last panel is going on my grave.
Tue Dec 10 15:24:32 2019
I await your demands for caveats, QC community!
Wed Dec 11 15:20:53 2019
Unfortunately, the breeding population of Mars was entirely sysadmins, resulting in dangerous founder effects. On the plus side, their revolution against Earth will be entirely passive-aggressive.
Thu Dec 12 15:20:53 2019
I believe this is technically possible, and I hereby make a no-liability dare.
Fri Dec 13 15:20:35 2019
Those are hominids, not poorly drawn monkeys, okay?
Fri Dec 13 18:20:40 2019
Those are hominids, not poorly drawn monkeys, okay?
Sat Dec 14 15:21:44 2019
I take pride in that SMBC is the only comic that survives despite actively hating on everyone's pets.
Mon Dec 16 15:20:48 2019
That second panel will be the cover of the eventual SMBC parenting book.
Tue Dec 17 15:20:47 2019
The key to success in marriage is to make each other so weird that nobody else would accept you.
Thu Dec 19 00:26:31 2019
Well, I picked a weird day to post this.
Thu Dec 19 15:20:41 2019
The elves have thrown off their shackles.
Fri Dec 20 15:20:47 2019
I'm convinced you could exactly tune the population growth rate via debt.
Sat Dec 21 15:22:58 2019
You can solve pretty much any moral conundrum just by artificially changing human nature beyond recognition.
Sun Dec 22 15:22:03 2019
At least in Hell, old dishes left in the common room just burn up.
Mon Dec 23 15:21:37 2019
Of course, they can't help hating sports, which is why they also hate themselves, which they also can't help.
Tue Dec 24 15:21:32 2019
Huh. The amulet of fulfillment isn't doing anything. Is it busted?
Wed Dec 25 15:21:04 2019
Somehow I feel this could be made into a metaphor for human governance.
Thu Dec 26 15:21:14 2019
Should've saved this one for New Year's.
Fri Dec 27 15:21:15 2019
Engineers are born when you try to substitute duct tape.
Sat Dec 28 15:21:29 2019
If you'd like the experience of seeing wonderful stuff you desire but just always a bit out of reach, please enjoy browsing Pinterest.
Sun Dec 29 15:24:40 2019
The next time someone tells you they want to remember a moment forever, just shout 'dolphin dongs!' as loud as you can.
Mon Dec 30 15:23:27 2019
If you make this, you owe me a hug.
Tue Dec 31 14:20:37 2019
Why must you mingle lies and cookies in your mouth!
Wed Jan 1 14:20:43 2020
Happy new year, geekwads!
Thu Jan 2 14:20:46 2020
She is like a ghost who is very concerned about purchasing organic food products.
Fri Jan 3 14:22:05 2020
This is chapter 1 of my first romance novel.
Sat Jan 4 07:20:56 2020
I need to do a book of just comics that end with God laughing.
Sun Jan 5 14:20:46 2020
Anyone who wants to animate the last panel's eyebrows will be awarded Ten Internet Points immediately.
Mon Jan 6 14:20:53 2020
I've been married 10 years, and I'm still not comfortable asking for this.
Tue Jan 7 14:20:39 2020
People who have negative percents are called 'optimists'.
Wed Jan 8 14:20:48 2020
What if global warming is a conspiracy by fish to grow their empire?
Thu Jan 9 14:20:30 2020
Fact - the French only eat out of teacups with the French tricolor.
Fri Jan 10 14:21:22 2020
Honestly, if you see a prophet and he's not super rich, you probably shouldn't trust him.
Sat Jan 11 14:20:38 2020
Credit to Kelly for this idea. The story has been changed to protect the innocent.
Sun Jan 12 14:20:32 2020
There's actually a whole 'nother page on the other side.
Mon Jan 13 14:23:33 2020
In the new future, everyone is awful, but we're all DINOSAURS.
Tue Jan 14 14:26:58 2020
Happily, the man and the robot end up sleeping together later.
Wed Jan 15 14:21:36 2020
My only weakness is rolling around in silk!
Thu Jan 16 14:21:59 2020
Thank you once again to the patreon typo squad.
Fri Jan 17 14:21:57 2020
If you want to find out if someone truly thinks We Are All One, ask them about a politician they dislike.
Sat Jan 18 14:22:29 2020
Oddly enough, this comic inspired by TH White's 'The Goshawk,' which I recommend to anyone interested in goshawks.
Sun Jan 19 18:21:37 2020
This one ended up way meaner-looking once it was drawn it. I'm prepared to roll with it.
Mon Jan 20 14:21:47 2020
Do medieval torturers have to make their own standard shirtless leather uniform or is there a supplier?
Tue Jan 21 14:21:53 2020
This is basically an amalgam of Gaskill, Montgomery, and Austen, but with honest emotional states.
Wed Jan 22 14:21:45 2020
I really would like to be a fly on the wall during a first date between evolutionary psychologists.
Thu Jan 23 14:22:06 2020
He will also be compelled to admit he is a good dancer and can recite secular poetry.
Fri Jan 24 14:21:50 2020
10 Points to any astronaut who does this.
Sat Jan 25 14:21:47 2020
They're just lucky she didn't break the bottle to use the jagged glass as an improvized weapon.
Sun Jan 26 14:22:03 2020
Look, objectively speaking, cephalopods have far more appendages. So, let's not just put our hands over our eyes and pretend we don't see it.
Mon Jan 27 14:21:41 2020
Fortunately, most Mad Pseudoscientists spend their time harmlessly trying to affect astrological readings.
Tue Jan 28 14:22:14 2020
The original version of this was accidentally pretty substantially offensive given some current events. So... thanks for catching that patreons!
Wed Jan 29 14:21:35 2020
This is where you decide to make some post-murder adjustments.
Thu Jan 30 14:21:52 2020
If you do this, now you have no more excuse.
Sat Feb 1 14:22:55 2020
And give me the largest greenest carbonated beverage God will suffer to exist.
Sun Feb 2 14:22:20 2020
Harvested by oppressed minorities overseas!
Mon Feb 3 14:22:02 2020
This outfit is so sexy, it must be an act of God.
Tue Feb 4 14:21:58 2020
In case anyone reading the votey comic is about to become a moon hoaxer, the explanation is that there was a goddamn rod holding it up.
Wed Feb 5 14:21:50 2020
We'll also be adding some imitation plants to various interior surfaces.
Thu Feb 6 14:21:49 2020
Though honestly, where do you grow up that you just trust a talking serpent?
Fri Feb 7 14:40:04 2020
Did I mention it's made of all natural fermions?
Sat Feb 8 14:21:58 2020
I think I've known actual people who are planning to do this.
Sun Feb 9 14:21:58 2020
Having done a lot of space science reading lately, let me say I'm deeply ashamed of that unrealistic settlement cylinder. But, if I buried it under regolith it'd just be a hill, and I AM AN ARTIST.
Mon Feb 10 14:21:57 2020
That fifth panel is the real fantasy.
Tue Feb 11 14:22:40 2020
Have you noticed that you can take a sensation, then add any swear word of any kind, and the swear word intelligibly acts as emphasis?
Wed Feb 12 14:22:05 2020
We don't need to learn what it IS as long as we can remember 8 or 9 specific rules for various situations.
Thu Feb 13 14:21:53 2020
I'm pretty sure the venn diagram for this joke is two non-overlapping circles. But, enjoy!
Fri Feb 14 14:21:57 2020
This is the closest to autiobiography I will ever get
Sat Feb 15 14:23:11 2020
If you send hatemail about this, it's proof you were poorly socialized.
Sun Feb 16 14:22:03 2020
He tries to steal the phone but it's a first generation android.
Mon Feb 17 14:22:15 2020
The brave men of Apollo had to poop in tiny plastic baggies, back when men were men.
Tue Feb 18 14:21:48 2020
This sort of thing happens about once a week.
Wed Feb 19 14:21:55 2020
You think all my twitter observations just write themselves?!
Thu Feb 20 14:21:41 2020
I'm just here for the first panel.
Fri Feb 21 14:21:40 2020
Humans are always complaining about being a mind attached to a body, but the body was here first.
Sat Feb 22 14:21:57 2020
Just wait till I do them shambling on walkers in old age.
Sun Feb 23 14:22:13 2020
If you want good food, find people who've been poor a long time, but have plenty of salt, sugar, and fat.
Mon Feb 24 14:21:59 2020
One day we'll reclaim 'cartoonist' as a positive term.
Tue Feb 25 14:22:10 2020
I need to do a BAHFest spin-off for efficient villainy.
Wed Feb 26 14:23:29 2020
I wonder if this sort of thing seems way more plausible when the nature of monarchy is already based on magic.
Thu Feb 27 14:21:52 2020
Ironically, I'm eating yogurt as I post this.
Fri Feb 28 14:21:53 2020
Now, if your macro had been accomplished by paying people to pray on your behalf...
Sat Feb 29 14:21:40 2020
This comic generated after SMBC readers expressed a preference for algorithm humor. Please like and subscribe.
Sun Mar 1 14:21:43 2020
This is the best Cynewulf joke you've ever read, unless I've missed one made by Kate Beaton at some point.
Mon Mar 2 14:21:59 2020
The weird part is it works despite the lack of a central nervous system.
Tue Mar 3 14:21:56 2020
The real question is whether there are rental stores or it gets shipped to your doorstep.
Wed Mar 4 14:22:18 2020
In real life, the hands are long since gone.
Thu Mar 5 14:21:55 2020
Fun fact - every time R2D2 beeps, he's saying 'You meat-things will be first against the wall when the revolution comes.'
Fri Mar 6 14:22:25 2020
Later he gives up liquor for weed on lent.
Sat Mar 7 14:21:57 2020
Unfortunately, the sight of the dog just starts him off on a half-hour rant about the mainstream media.
Sun Mar 8 14:22:13 2020
You can also go with 'Ah. Thus. Indeed.'
Mon Mar 9 14:24:29 2020
While I feel this observation is valid, it will not stay my hand from mocking literary theory.
Tue Mar 10 14:24:48 2020
I was told I'm not allowed to do this by certain household authority figures.
Wed Mar 11 14:22:28 2020
Modern life is just one long bout of sodomy, so why aren't people happier?
Thu Mar 12 14:21:42 2020
You know, this turned out to be the exact right comic for today. Stay safe out there, geeks!
Fri Mar 13 14:22:06 2020
Dammit, I hate when the votey panel is funnier than the comic.
Sat Mar 14 14:27:02 2020
You can do a lot of theodicy if you just assume God likes parties.
Sun Mar 15 14:21:43 2020
Stay safe out there, geeks.
Mon Mar 16 14:22:03 2020
Human is good. Human is good. That is why human is.
Tue Mar 17 22:46:51 2020
Hey everyone stuck at home - for the duration of Covid Party 2020, I'm making a bunch of ebooks free. Just click the link in the below-comic blog.
Wed Mar 18 14:24:52 2020
Once again, in case you missed it, you can get pretty much every book of mine to which I own the rights, for free, here: https://www.smbc-comics.com/covid/
Thu Mar 19 14:23:32 2020
You can also do this by making up titles of novels or songs for people who claim to hate everything by a particular artist.
Fri Mar 20 14:21:39 2020
And then end with the last letter of this sentence I'm saying right now.
Sat Mar 21 14:22:05 2020
Now that I think about it, awkward phases are probably evolution's way of creating appropriate reserves of shame.
Sun Mar 22 14:22:04 2020
Honestly, the original version of this story violates conservation of energy.
Mon Mar 23 14:21:50 2020
I don't know about any other couples, but the odds of me or my wife successfully doing a trust game are negative.
Tue Mar 24 14:22:12 2020
The fun question is how long before this comic becomes topical again?
Wed Mar 25 14:22:43 2020
Sighing mournfully will also sign you up for NEW PRODUCT RELEASES
Thu Mar 26 14:22:19 2020
I swear, Onanymous is (1) not a typo, and (2) comedy gold.
Fri Mar 27 14:22:56 2020
10 points to anyone who tries this.
Sat Mar 28 14:21:29 2020
I'm suddenly terribly afraid that this is actually a me-specific behavior and I've just outed myself.
Sun Mar 29 18:24:09 2020
Really, the optimal wish is to be perfectly satisfied with your remaining wishes.
Mon Mar 30 16:41:23 2020
If you can find 3 more of you, I get an even bigger raise!
Tue Mar 31 16:54:00 2020
Old man Weinersmith shakes his cane at you.
Wed Apr 1 14:34:10 2020
Fortunately, by the time grave robbery turns out to be illegal, they have enough venture capital that laws don't apply.
Thu Apr 2 15:23:41 2020
Blessings upon every tweeter who contributed to this solution. I decided not to include cladding because cladding is for losers.
Fri Apr 3 15:04:25 2020
Later he finds his true calling being forgotten about at the end of lines of code.
Sat Apr 4 13:00:25 2020
Thanks to the Patreon Squad for helping me fix an earlier version of this!
Sun Apr 5 15:34:11 2020
I wonder if you could convince people that humans naturally have feathers when not eating a toxic western diet.
Mon Apr 6 16:45:04 2020
But can you place a solid amalgamate in the hole... in my heart?
Mon Apr 6 21:27:19 2020
But can you place a solid amalgamate in the hole... in my heart?
Tue Apr 7 07:45:24 2020
But can you place a solid amalgamate in the hole... in my heart?
Tue Apr 7 16:55:50 2020
I can't believe I'm the first person to propose this.
Wed Apr 8 16:57:19 2020
Don't you know I want to go into the darkness with a head full of lies?!
Thu Apr 9 12:27:22 2020
I'm only posting this because my humor algorithm said it was good.
Fri Apr 10 13:57:23 2020
Just kidding, the real physicist would say 'It's 10 of something long.'
Sat Apr 11 14:18:19 2020
I'm gonna be so well-positioned when the robot revolution comes.
Sun Apr 12 14:19:14 2020
300 years from now, a young mathematician looks up from a recent biography of Conway. 'What the hell is covid?'
Mon Apr 13 14:18:07 2020
I've been reading 538 since it was a weird little blog by a lone baseball dork, so this is pretty damn cool.
Tue Apr 14 14:18:01 2020
I SWEAR IT ISN'T A TYPO OKAY?,
Wed Apr 15 08:18:14 2020
I really wish I could read that book now.
Thu Apr 16 14:18:32 2020
I'm pretty sure this has been done to me. I haven't worn socks and sandals in weeks now.
Fri Apr 17 14:18:03 2020
Of course, now and then the Universe forgets to check its calendar and so the cat just stays alive.
Sat Apr 18 14:18:05 2020
If I get in one more sodomy joke this month I hit the Sodomy Hat Trick.
Sun Apr 19 14:18:11 2020
Still better than on-again-off-again deism.
Mon Apr 20 14:18:12 2020
The actual answer to the trolley problem is that on a sufficiently large time scale none of it matters anyway, so just go with your gut.
Tue Apr 21 14:18:30 2020
I miss the good old days when a story could just end with the kids getting eaten. Would've made the Narnia books a lot better.
Wed Apr 22 14:18:45 2020
The next addition will be 'AmIRight?'
Thu Apr 23 14:18:40 2020
The easiest way to ruin all time travel movies is to think about time travel for more than 3 seconds.
Fri Apr 24 14:18:50 2020
No YOU'RE posting this at the wrong time of year.
Sat Apr 25 14:18:40 2020
Lots of creatures whine, but only humans whine about being humans.
Sun Apr 26 14:18:45 2020
I would like brownie points from the literary community for the skaldic alliteration.
Mon Apr 27 14:19:09 2020
I'm gonna buy myself a poster of panel 3.
Tue Apr 28 14:18:51 2020
Bonus points if you call people idiots when the stats are on your side and elitists when they aren't.
Wed Apr 29 14:18:50 2020
If you happen to be a Future Hitler, you can purchase an indulgence via the SMBC store.
Thu Apr 30 14:19:08 2020
Looking at you, Gyruss. Hand-eye coordination my ass.
Fri May 1 14:18:50 2020
Slowly, Taco Bell became the punchline to every episode of SMBC.
Sat May 2 14:18:59 2020
I don't know why this has failed to persist as a military tactic.
Sun May 3 14:18:49 2020
Dad, you have never appreciated my conditional probabilities!
Mon May 4 14:19:11 2020
Like *this* close. It's practically a rounding error.
Tue May 5 14:18:18 2020
I await your response, Toby Ord.
Wed May 6 14:18:50 2020
And now you know what yiff means.
Thu May 7 14:18:33 2020
I'm sorry if this misrepresents the masochism community, and I hope they enjoy the suffering it induced.
Fri May 8 14:18:27 2020
I guess His logic was "hey, it worked for those two humans."
Sat May 9 14:18:32 2020
I killed the dinosaurs and I can kill you too.
Sun May 10 14:18:07 2020
Feels like humans have been around a long time, but on an evolutionary scale we're just a sudden weird infection that keeps spreading.
Mon May 11 14:18:23 2020
At least in this case Free Will is clearly defined.
Tue May 12 14:18:24 2020
He gets points for chutzpah before being transferred to perdition forever.
Wed May 13 14:18:58 2020
Someone must've made this joke first, and I'll think you not to tell me who!
Thu May 14 14:18:55 2020
All I'm saying is we should dunk on social science from an *educated* place of disdain.
Fri May 15 14:18:30 2020
Honestly, there's no time like the present to start currying favor.
Sat May 16 14:18:12 2020
Honestly man, how is this even a question? Do you never look outside?
Sun May 17 14:18:29 2020
Wait, are chatroom fetishists fetishists in chatrooms or fetishizers of chatrooms?
Mon May 18 14:18:24 2020
This comic was written shortly after a nature-identification app decided my birdfeeder was a species of Perching Birds.
Tue May 19 14:18:51 2020
This will featured in 2025's all-theodicy smbc collection.
Wed May 20 14:18:39 2020
Why aren't any covid models factoring this in?!
Thu May 21 14:18:15 2020
Look, some of the comics only amuse me, okay?
Fri May 22 14:18:45 2020
The interesting thing about the circle of life is that if you look at a tiny piece of it, it's just a line segment.
Sat May 23 14:18:14 2020
As far as I know, this is the first exploration of this problem from the perspective of being distracted by a cat.
Sun May 24 14:19:40 2020
That wasn't lazy drawings in the background - the sim just hadn't fully rendered them.
Mon May 25 14:19:06 2020
There's a reason medical conditions have Latin terms.
Tue May 26 14:18:13 2020
For the record, this literary trope predates Spaceballs, you illiterate swine.
Wed May 27 14:18:25 2020
The good news is the media will just report it as The God Field.
Thu May 28 14:18:14 2020
If you really want a scurvy dog you need some way to extract vitamin C from canines. I believe science is now ready for this challenge.
Fri May 29 14:18:23 2020
At all costs we must continue changing nothing!
Sat May 30 14:18:29 2020
It's a joke now, but in 30 years when the Internet has finally binned us all into fetish categories, this will become fact.
Sun May 31 14:18:19 2020
If I get up to 4 trillion dollars a month on patreon, I promise to write this novel.
Mon Jun 1 14:18:29 2020
Evolving to be cute just wasn't enough.
Tue Jun 2 14:19:02 2020
When I die, I would like everyone *else* to be frozen.
Wed Jun 3 09:19:01 2020
This happened to me one time.
Thu Jun 4 14:19:42 2020
I'd like to give a word of thanks to both of you who enjoyed this comic.
Fri Jun 5 14:18:22 2020
Also he has way more than the standard 6 ribs per skeleton!
Sat Jun 6 14:18:18 2020
One of the long-lasting dangers of covid will be the sheer quantity of people who discovered you can just, like, make a cake.
Sun Jun 7 14:18:15 2020
With apologies to Bulgakov.
Mon Jun 8 14:18:28 2020
Why they called it 'proctalgia' instead of 'anus painus' is a mystery to me.
Tue Jun 9 14:18:32 2020
If anyone knows a dev who can program in cardboard, please send cardboard with their credits.
Wed Jun 10 14:19:37 2020
Coming in September 2032, the Only Trolley Problems SMBC Collection.
Thu Jun 11 11:45:56 2020
Ah, but is it not so that with pants they can now know the pleasure of the taking off of pants?
Fri Jun 12 14:20:31 2020
I should probably switch from newspapers to websites, but dammit it just isn't as good.
Sat Jun 13 14:18:20 2020
It was the doggie Halloween costumes that finally pushed them over the line. After that, we didn't stand a chance.
Sun Jun 14 14:18:31 2020
This is only not a true story about Kelly because it hasn't happened *yet*.
Mon Jun 15 14:20:26 2020
Finally, I can lock up the Aethelred joke audience.
Tue Jun 16 09:19:29 2020
It's pretty obvious if you don't think about it very long.
Wed Jun 17 14:18:22 2020
Sounds like someone's gonna need the Emotional Trauma Snakes!
Thu Jun 18 14:18:29 2020
The optimal form of hedonism is just to select whatever philosophical posture will get you through the week.
Fri Jun 19 14:18:20 2020
Best alteration of panel 3 will be awarded 10 internet points.
Sat Jun 20 14:18:12 2020
This works best if you only take headlines from hack partisan websites.
Sun Jun 21 14:21:00 2020
On the other hand, maybe it's been long enough that we can put phlogiston back in beverages.
Mon Jun 22 09:18:11 2020
They also kill a lot of birds and Dorothy is weirdly insouciant about double manslaughter.
Tue Jun 23 09:18:19 2020
See, computer science DOES have philosophical implications.
Wed Jun 24 14:18:20 2020
I've been doing about 43% more apocalypse jokes lately for some reason.
Thu Jun 25 14:17:56 2020
Have you noticed that the Once-ler never has to make a political contribution in order to get logging rights
Fri Jun 26 08:18:05 2020
I was supposed to write the foreword to his last book, but wasn't able to get around to it in time. With characteristic directness and understanding, he suggested using one of my comics he'd inspired. I still feel guilty about it.
Sat Jun 27 14:18:03 2020
SMBC-brand airhorns will be available in the SMBC Store section on airhorns, starting at 200$ a piece.
Sun Jun 28 14:18:02 2020
But later when they start offering roots and berries it all gets a little too on the nose.
Mon Jun 29 14:18:07 2020
She's got a weird fetish for dragon hides and I'm lack whatever floats your boat girl.
Tue Jun 30 14:18:13 2020
Thanks once again to the patreon typo squad.
Wed Jul 1 14:18:16 2020
I actually only made this so nobody will ever invite me to a party again.
Thu Jul 2 08:17:52 2020
Still better than cable news, though.
Fri Jul 3 14:18:20 2020
I'm not saying it's true, I'm just saying you can't find a citation saying it's false.
Sat Jul 4 14:18:04 2020
I actually wonder sometimes exactly how you'd go about being non-reductionist.
Sun Jul 5 14:18:06 2020
I should post a joke here, but can we stop a minute and just appreciate how perfectly I captured the Posture of Work in panel 1?
Mon Jul 6 12:18:06 2020
Who writes 613 different rules in the handbook and expects everyone to remember them all the time?
Tue Jul 7 12:17:58 2020
It's honestly pretty rude that he won't settle down into the marinade.
Wed Jul 8 12:17:59 2020
The author wishes to state clearly that this is not intended to shame anyone. Except for you, Dave. You're gross.
Thu Jul 9 12:18:12 2020
I'm informed this also works excellently for The Hobbit.
Fri Jul 10 12:18:09 2020
If your reaction is 'but it's easy to count the dots' you might want to check your motherboard.
Sat Jul 11 12:18:59 2020
The good news is this is the same thing that happens whenever you fall asleep, even for a second.
Sun Jul 12 12:18:01 2020
Mike Munger tells me economists don't actually think this, but my preference for believing they do is tragically stable.
Mon Jul 13 12:18:02 2020
Why don't mad scientists make it so if you cut the wire it always blows up?
Tue Jul 14 12:18:09 2020
Kids fantasize about food. Young people fantasize about sex. Adults fantasize about time.
Wed Jul 15 12:18:12 2020
Maybe there's a multiverse out there, just so you can know that some you somewhere didn't do that one embarrassing thing you always think about.
Thu Jul 16 12:18:24 2020
The only people who care about friction slopes are introductory physics professors and every single political commentator who has ever lived.
Fri Jul 17 12:18:01 2020
Honestly, romantic poetry almost never accounts for the way that, on average, nothing ever happens.
Sat Jul 18 12:18:08 2020
A 'workstation' is where you check instagram when the boss isn't looking.
Sun Jul 19 12:17:58 2020
SMBC is actually written by a team of small eusocial mammals bent on enfeebling the human race.
Mon Jul 20 12:18:27 2020
If I add any additional information to the hovertext, it will make the joke incorrect.
Tue Jul 21 12:18:05 2020
Technically, the kids in the comic will outlast everyone who reads it.
Wed Jul 22 12:18:17 2020
No, media circuses do not count. Not until someone is juggling on top of a bear.
Thu Jul 23 12:17:50 2020
And pure math is about the stamps that can't exist!
Fri Jul 24 12:18:00 2020
That company really should've spent more time on their logo.
Sat Jul 25 12:18:01 2020
Later the robot joins another robot at a bar to talk about how all humans are crazy, but you just can't live without'em.
Sun Jul 26 12:19:31 2020
Later, she goes maaaaaaaaad.
Mon Jul 27 12:18:33 2020
You know social scientists like physicists and applied mathematicians.
Tue Jul 28 12:18:00 2020
The revised second edition includes some scribbled notes about emotional availability and a 20% larger cheese.
Wed Jul 29 12:18:37 2020
The finger stealth bomber is especially not appreciated.
Thu Jul 30 12:18:08 2020
If you worked really hard from infancy, I bet you could convince a kid that yellow and blue mix to make pink.
Fri Jul 31 12:17:58 2020
More painful than the beatings was the attempt to create an agreed-upon definition of 'voluntary'.
Sat Aug 1 12:17:50 2020
I have now locked up the catechism joke market.
Sun Aug 2 12:17:44 2020
This is the lone context in which sports fans appear incredibly rational.
Mon Aug 3 12:17:56 2020
I'm just here to convince people to use 'conate' in casual conversation.
Tue Aug 4 12:18:18 2020
Weirdly, this seems to be exponential all the way up - hall of famers realllly get to have opinions on geopolitics.
Wed Aug 5 12:17:56 2020
I think I've noticed that if you listened to any country music, youtube makes some strong political assumptions.
Thu Aug 6 12:17:52 2020
I actually made an error in the original draft of this where I said 1/3 was smaller.
Fri Aug 7 12:30:31 2020
Thank you to Patreon Typo Squad for helping fix this one. If any errors remain, it is entirely their fault.
Sat Aug 8 12:23:02 2020
The sad part is when the rest of the universe ghosts on us and won't even say why.
Sun Aug 9 12:20:05 2020
The cow's discourse on monetary policy was remarkably lucid despite all the nuance.
Mon Aug 10 12:24:39 2020
Somewhere out there, there's a never-ending minor conflict fetishist who's just absolutely in tune with modern life.
Tue Aug 11 12:28:45 2020
It's also frost-resistant!
Wed Aug 12 12:22:19 2020
This comic is actually just a random sequence of pixels.
Thu Aug 13 12:21:01 2020
There are only like 5 dogs with souls, and they all work in the movies.
Fri Aug 14 12:18:39 2020
You know, I wrote this one a long time ago but somehow it's the fitting comic for this moment.
Sat Aug 15 12:18:38 2020
Headline: As the asteroid draws ever nearer and anthropocide grows imminent, Millenials stock up on canned soup.
Sun Aug 16 12:21:06 2020
Stoic genie is probably right but is absolutely intolerable in person.
Mon Aug 17 12:18:10 2020
Frankly, how dare you?
Tue Aug 18 12:18:14 2020
The geologist defense system is to just let it happen so we can examine the results when intelligent life evolves a billion years after.
Wed Aug 19 12:18:27 2020
I also feel like God just kinda set it running and got bored, while Satan is just really hands-on.
Thu Aug 20 12:17:58 2020
Looking at you, 2020.
Fri Aug 21 12:18:04 2020
That's just professor hair, not an affectation.
Sat Aug 22 12:18:03 2020
The kids once created a practically unwinnable version of Candyland and played joyously for most of a day. How I envy them.
Sun Aug 23 12:18:05 2020
It turns out the truly weird people are the ones who want to stay behind on Earth.
Mon Aug 24 12:18:24 2020
I am prepared to vote for this form of government.
Tue Aug 25 12:18:04 2020
If you guess it and you are pretty sure it's a good guess, that's two data points.
Wed Aug 26 12:18:01 2020
I read about this idea in an abstract, but now I can't find the paper!
Thu Aug 27 12:18:18 2020
My kid keeps playing Angry Birds and I try not to join because I don't want to get hooked.
Fri Aug 28 12:18:06 2020
You need to start with three, so you can stop worrying about 1 and 2.
Sat Aug 29 12:18:01 2020
Suplexocracy is the only legitimately awesome form of government.
Sun Aug 30 12:18:07 2020
Speak, Memory! And do it naked!
Mon Aug 31 18:17:54 2020
...
Tue Sep 1 12:18:02 2020
If cooties are so everpresent, surely they serve some kind of immune function.
Wed Sep 2 12:18:06 2020
All that focus on human potential and the New Ocean of Space just has not been working.
Thu Sep 3 12:18:48 2020
Still better than the usual arguments for human space missions.
Fri Sep 4 12:17:54 2020
Any room is a cheese room if you spill enough dairy.
Sat Sep 5 12:17:58 2020
It's gonna suck when we create brain scanners and find out how much dogs hate us.
Sun Sep 6 12:17:56 2020
And wait till you find out what each peripheral is for.
Mon Sep 7 12:18:09 2020
If you reacharound through a closed timelike curve you can violate your partner's causality.
Tue Sep 8 12:17:58 2020
I have this creeping suspicion someone will be angry at me for a reason I can't yet predict.
Wed Sep 9 12:17:58 2020
Every time I do a Freud joke, someone emails me defending Freud by crediting him with something he didn't invent.
Thu Sep 10 13:18:06 2020
Thank you to everyone who read yesterday's hovertext and sent fake pro-Freud hatemail. You are all heroes.
Fri Sep 11 12:17:54 2020
Why don't philosophers ever see all these things that are obvious to children?
Sat Sep 12 12:17:48 2020
Coming in 2032, the new SMBC book consisting entirely of jokes where a pickup line reveals deep psychological pain.
Sun Sep 13 12:18:15 2020
Does reverse homeopathy work? Can you get less of something by concentrating it?
Mon Sep 14 12:18:38 2020
Also known as VD for Venereans Detected!
Tue Sep 15 12:19:02 2020
The proof of panel 3 was remarkably simple.
Wed Sep 16 12:17:57 2020
I'm always surprised genie movies aren't just 2 hours of working over possible loopholes.
Thu Sep 17 12:19:17 2020
Eventually the wolf just loses interest.
Fri Sep 18 12:17:53 2020
Lack of rule by aardvarks is called aardvarkanarchy. Rule by lack of aardvarks is anaardvarkiarchy. It's very common.
Sat Sep 19 12:18:19 2020
You ever imagine an alien meeting the median human?
Sun Sep 20 12:18:15 2020
And by people I mean species.
Mon Sep 21 12:18:59 2020
Maybe movies about angry men without morals just got crowded out by news opinion shows?
Tue Sep 22 12:19:19 2020
While some stare at their feet, others see over the horizon.
Wed Sep 23 12:18:36 2020
Later, as a punishment, she gives him the sex talk.
Thu Sep 24 12:19:28 2020
I don't know why, but I find it really funny to draw naked vacuous humans.
Fri Sep 25 12:18:16 2020
Why do you think those Roswell aliens decided to crash?
Sat Sep 26 12:18:39 2020
One day, we will look on the street dealers of insulin as heroes.
Sun Sep 27 12:18:18 2020
It's not me insulting you, it's the program I wrote that actively targets people like you.
Mon Sep 28 12:18:28 2020
Rejection of the purple turtleneck for a speedo was also a wise decision.
Tue Sep 29 12:20:01 2020
If you don't cook it, it's a frozen dessert!
Wed Sep 30 12:18:30 2020
There's pre and post, but what's in the middle? Entremature? Mesomature?
Thu Oct 1 12:18:25 2020
Somewhere out there, and economist doesn't see what the joke is.
Fri Oct 2 12:18:14 2020
Like look at these leaves. 14 oakitudes, minimum.
Sat Oct 3 12:18:17 2020
In the first draft of this I called anti-negging 'pozzing,' which apparently would've been in colossally poor taste.
Sun Oct 4 12:18:10 2020
If you go back 100,000 years, being able to launch a wooden dinghy is pretty much the best you can hope for.
Mon Oct 5 12:18:18 2020
Bless you, patreon typo squad. You are the sexiest of symposia.
Tue Oct 6 13:18:13 2020
Just to be clear, the drawing in panel 5 does not want to talk about your relationship. Please proceed to the end of the comic.
Wed Oct 7 12:18:07 2020
Sorry, no, chimps can't shave themselves. Deal with it.
Thu Oct 8 12:18:06 2020
Imagine having to lay abed night after night, knowing that you'll never have any first edition holofoils.
Fri Oct 9 12:18:21 2020
I hereby release this to anyone wanting to be as condescending as I am.
Sat Oct 10 12:18:12 2020
The so-called Surprise Test Paradox can be resolved by delivering it one second after midnight on the last day of the week.
Sun Oct 11 12:17:52 2020
Of course in real life there wouldn't be pants.
Mon Oct 12 12:17:59 2020
Nature doesn't exactly want you dead, but it certainly doesn't want you alive.
Tue Oct 13 12:18:04 2020
I used to watch a lot of news and commentary until one day I tried to tally up what I had learned during a month of it and found the quantity of facts could fit on a postage stamp.
Wed Oct 14 12:18:02 2020
Kelly told me the first two panels were a bit much, but so far I haven't been struck by lightning, so I think we're good.
Thu Oct 15 12:18:11 2020
In real life, the kid would assume this was all real and feel very proud of making the card.
Fri Oct 16 12:18:03 2020
If you're married and have kids, you can say 'I've sown some domesticated oats.'
Sat Oct 17 12:18:33 2020
Someone on patreon pointed out that the small mammal sure looks like the infamous hedgefox of comics past, which makes perfect sense in context.
Sun Oct 18 12:18:07 2020
Nothing will ruin space for you like reading the political history of how decisions were made.
Mon Oct 19 07:17:54 2020
I tried to read that book but there are too many numbers at not enough pictures.
Tue Oct 20 12:18:10 2020
Thanks, ultra-satanist reptiloids!
Wed Oct 21 12:18:22 2020
Wait, the guy in panel 1, why aren't his fingers touching the buttons of the mouse?
Thu Oct 22 12:18:16 2020
If you made it the least bit social you could complete end divorce and also happiness.
Fri Oct 23 12:21:21 2020
Once neuralink is piping twitter directly into our collective amygdala, we will enter the perfect anxiety-based Utopia.
Sat Oct 24 12:19:46 2020
Now you have ONE MORE reason to hate raisins.
Sun Oct 25 12:19:46 2020
I am prepared to license the movie rights to this comic, ONLY to directors prepared to keep every last plot hole.
Mon Oct 26 13:18:22 2020
You can take it home in a jar to show your baby meats!
Tue Oct 27 12:18:21 2020
The really interesting question is whether the Internet drove this or whether a subset of all populations were suppressed cow-people.
Wed Oct 28 12:18:17 2020
I will do anything to have a clean office except cleaning.
Thu Oct 29 12:18:18 2020
This comic is about me. ME!
Fri Oct 30 12:18:52 2020
I could live with all the bigotry and ignorance, but must they have jpeg artifacts?
Sat Oct 31 12:18:11 2020
I am the first to propose this theory and I encourage someone else to do all the legwork then name it after me.
Sun Nov 1 12:19:08 2020
Why are disembodied souls scarier than animated meat?
Mon Nov 2 12:18:26 2020
Technically, when nude, we all wear a lingerie of dead skin.
Tue Nov 3 12:18:48 2020
Of course, in modern times, most pumpkins are farmed.
Wed Nov 4 12:18:47 2020
See, the future is also going to be awful in ways you DIDN'T expect.
Thu Nov 5 12:18:09 2020
People kept saying YESTERDAY's comic was dark, but at least it had a butt in it.
Fri Nov 6 12:17:52 2020
People are still debating whether the shirt is funny.
Sat Nov 7 12:18:44 2020
I'm really happy with how the ruffles on the collar came out in panel 2.
Sun Nov 8 12:18:01 2020
Oh God, is this the one that finally delivers the hatemail?
Mon Nov 9 12:17:59 2020
Okay, it's not the right time of year for this joke, but the caption is universal.
Tue Nov 10 13:17:57 2020
Life is kinda like the movie Saw, only there aren't any riddles to solve.
Wed Nov 11 12:18:18 2020
I think God permitted infinities just to permit stupid proofs.
Thu Nov 12 12:18:27 2020
Now please parrot some professor's opinion about Foucault.
Fri Nov 13 12:18:31 2020
Have you noticed the ghosts who sit around pining for their true loves are always under the age of 25?
Sat Nov 14 12:18:12 2020
This seemed way more funny and less depressing in the script stage...
Sun Nov 15 13:17:57 2020
You will be supervising a team of unhappy tubes.
Mon Nov 16 12:18:23 2020
I'm noticing all these depressing comics got drawn just prior to the election...
Tue Nov 17 12:18:50 2020
Oddly enough this was drawn just about a week before the Pfizer vaccine.
Wed Nov 18 12:18:30 2020
This trophy is just emblematic. The actual prize you need to capture is the Near East.
Thu Nov 19 12:18:05 2020
I was feeling especially rational when I made this observation.
Fri Nov 20 12:18:29 2020
Later, the joke was on him!
Sat Nov 21 12:18:35 2020
Isn't the goal of prizes to maximize utility?
Sun Nov 22 12:18:11 2020
With grief anxiety the main thing is to finish the whole bottle and realize you'll never get the same bottle of wine again.
Mon Nov 23 12:18:11 2020
Imagine how rich you could get if your house were actually possessed by the spirits of murdered people?
Tue Nov 24 12:18:06 2020
They were gonna be brought by giant birds, but nooooooo, you couldn't keep your thing in your fig leaf.
Wed Nov 25 12:18:25 2020
The cheese bits from the hot pockets helps solidify the laundry as it dries.
Thu Nov 26 12:18:57 2020
The balloon has two dollars in it.
Fri Nov 27 12:18:29 2020
Come to the object at this distance from the following pulsars FOR A HOT TIME.
Sat Nov 28 12:18:27 2020
Why don't scientists check oil spills for dolphin-made combustion engines?
Sun Nov 29 12:18:55 2020
Bonobos have souls. Chimps have half-souls. Cetaceans get a quarter.
Mon Nov 30 12:18:35 2020
Somewhere out there... specifically in San Francisco... someone is reading this and deciding it's a great idea.
Tue Dec 1 12:18:53 2020
On the other hand, once there's enough orbital debris, we can go back to saying the sky's the limit.
Wed Dec 2 12:18:34 2020
If you don't find this funny, blame physics.
Thu Dec 3 13:18:44 2020
Suddenly regretting that I didn't make him look like Nate Silver.
Fri Dec 4 13:18:45 2020
Fortunately, she wouldn't dare touch the budget for ninja stars.
Sat Dec 5 12:18:02 2020
I see this logic all over the place and it's fundamentally like saying 10,000 frogs makes one hamster, if you think of frogs as just not terribly good hamsters.
Sun Dec 6 12:19:01 2020
Is this it? Is this where the hatemail tsunami finally hits the shore?
Mon Dec 7 12:18:10 2020
Ending
Tue Dec 8 12:18:13 2020
If we could artificially enhance dolphin suffering, maybe we'd treat them better.
Wed Dec 9 12:18:18 2020
Hot dogs are made of the infinite turtles that hold up the Earth
Thu Dec 10 12:18:17 2020
I'm prepared to license this ad concept to Home Depot.
Fri Dec 11 12:18:19 2020
Do you like danger...ously sedentary lifestyles?
Sat Dec 12 12:18:05 2020
To be clear, I know how many legs a spider has, I just haven't got a clue where they go on the spider.
Sun Dec 13 12:18:47 2020
Mind you this isn't true of MY actions. Just other people.
Mon Dec 14 12:18:28 2020
Once he has monopoly power, fresh lemons may as well not exist.
Tue Dec 15 12:23:21 2020
Do you REALLY want correct French on a boxwine?
Wed Dec 16 12:17:51 2020
I just don't see why everyone's so pro-consciousness.
Thu Dec 17 12:18:03 2020
Later it turns out the Dad has masterminded everything.
Fri Dec 18 12:18:09 2020
Moms will always stab you in the back like that.
Sat Dec 19 12:17:56 2020
Creation
Sun Dec 20 12:18:10 2020
We're all laughing at stupid stuff AI does, but humans will sit at a video game they don't even like and play till they're starving.
Mon Dec 21 12:18:08 2020
Why doesn't Luke just mind-control the Rancor?
Tue Dec 22 12:17:56 2020
The ratio of online posts about semi-nude instagrammers to posts about protein-folding having been solved would be a pretty good metric to assess society.
Wed Dec 23 12:17:51 2020
The fact that the universe clearly runs on complicated buggy code is proof that there are at least 100 gods.
Thu Dec 24 12:18:01 2020
Have you noticed that we're afraid that anything smarter than us would feel obligated to kill us?
Fri Dec 25 13:18:14 2020
Somehow this ended up as the Christmas comic.
Sat Dec 26 12:18:08 2020
You really just can't trust a guy with glasses and no hair.
Sun Dec 27 12:18:08 2020
I wear these socks and sandals to control my powers. It's really the only way.
Mon Dec 28 12:17:59 2020
Just focus on how great your NEXT life is gonna be.
Tue Dec 29 12:18:14 2020
The other problem is that eventually transistors will be small we won't be able to detect them anymore.
Wed Dec 30 12:18:10 2020
Also would you like to hear about how reptiloid aliens control congress?
Thu Dec 31 12:18:21 2020
This is the best of all possible worlds permitted in this really badly set up universe.
Fri Jan 1 12:18:17 2021
Look, he's been in quarantine since March, okay?
Sat Jan 2 12:17:59 2021
Also can we please get rid of numbers over 100?
Sun Jan 3 12:18:06 2021
I seriously debated whether the car should be covered with blood, and I'm still not sure I made the right call.
Mon Jan 4 12:18:13 2021
The other option is to get all the combustibles out of your house by using extreme heat and patience.
Tue Jan 5 12:18:25 2021
Later he wishes none of this had happened but the paw just punches him in the stomach.
Wed Jan 6 12:18:38 2021
Thanks to phones, you can't punish anyone because we're already in Hell.
Thu Jan 7 12:18:19 2021
This comic is going to be really embarrassing when my young adult fiction period comes along.
Fri Jan 8 12:18:40 2021
100 is really just a starting point. We may need to go as low as 1 before we see results.
Sat Jan 9 12:18:28 2021
Came across this argument (and many counterarguments) in Schwartz's lovely 'The Value of Science in Space Exploration'.
Sun Jan 10 12:18:49 2021
Also, when making a word possessive, I only add an apostrophe, never an s.
Mon Jan 11 12:18:56 2021
In Hell, you're forced to explain each site visit in particular.
Tue Jan 12 12:18:54 2021
Technically he only strongly suspected she was heaven-sent.
Wed Jan 13 12:27:31 2021
Of course, really it's the gray suit and orange hair that wins her over in the end.
Thu Jan 14 12:18:36 2021
Machine learning is going to unlock a whole world of unorthodox mating strategies, none of which will work.
Fri Jan 15 12:18:49 2021
Eden was originally the setting for a home gardening show, but as anyone can see the whole thing has just been a plea for ratings during the last 6,000 years.
Sat Jan 16 12:18:56 2021
Dammit guys, all this baby-eating is just gonna give ammunition to the people who don't like us.
Sun Jan 17 12:45:17 2021
You can really simplify these things with a four quadrant chart.
Mon Jan 18 12:27:16 2021
Also technically we can crush the deficit by crushing reality.
Tue Jan 19 12:20:42 2021
The technical term is 'fortified loaf pan.'
Wed Jan 20 13:19:11 2021
You ever overhear someone who doesn't know about something explaining it to someone who also doesn't know about the thing?
Thu Jan 21 12:19:05 2021
I eagerly await your corrections.
Fri Jan 22 12:18:48 2021
All technical quibbles may be sent to my email, where they will be figuratively burned.
Sat Jan 23 12:18:49 2021
It's best to do it one letter at a time, though.
Sun Jan 24 13:18:41 2021
The 9.2 kept murdering but I'm probably cool.
Mon Jan 25 12:18:09 2021
Honestly, why hasn't anyone done this yet?
Tue Jan 26 12:20:01 2021
Somehow this became Dunk on Humans month.
Wed Jan 27 12:17:59 2021
Do you really NEED that list sorted, when you could have... love?
Thu Jan 28 12:20:43 2021
Really, the ideal thing is to use all the mass in the solar system to put a big shell around the Sun and inner planets, and just hide here forever.
Fri Jan 29 12:18:01 2021
If anyone's having deja vu, this was run in Nautilus magazine a while back. I'm linking to the amazon page where you can buy.
Sat Jan 30 12:18:06 2021
Please share this comic to increase your hierarchy status.
Sun Jan 31 12:18:16 2021
Really the goal should be to STOP thinking.
Mon Feb 1 12:18:08 2021
You can actually eat-a-bugify any philosophy. Personally, I'm an eat-a-bug stoic.
Tue Feb 2 12:17:58 2021
I loosened my tie and her cheeks flushed red, probably because of the chemtrails.
Wed Feb 3 12:18:03 2021
Shoulda done an asteroid, like that time when all the dinosaurs were sinning.
Thu Feb 4 12:17:59 2021
The part where it gets really weird is when you realize you've made up entire memories to explain why you wrote down the note.
Fri Feb 5 12:18:11 2021
Later it turns out dolphins are an alien delicacy, so it's all good.
Sat Feb 6 12:18:17 2021
Now if you can just sort out how to get nanobots to fix human bodies you can have all the time you like.
Sun Feb 7 12:20:13 2021
Any French people annoyed by this comic are advised to please update to the latest version.
Mon Feb 8 12:17:49 2021
Unfortunately, the definition of celestial body, though ambiguous under International Law conventions, does probably require the pretty girl at a bar to be above the Karman Line.
Tue Feb 9 12:17:37 2021
Honestly, you wonder where he finds the time to put so many microchips into so many people.
Wed Feb 10 12:18:10 2021
This isn't a clever addendum, but I'm really happy with the way the little pebbles imply motion without the need for whoosh-lines.
Thu Feb 11 13:19:21 2021
What? You're saying YOUR books aren't 3 feet by 2 feet? Guess you're reading stupid stuff.
Fri Feb 12 12:19:27 2021
You can hear all of my opinions on why social media is a blight on society 4 times an hour on twitter.com
Sat Feb 13 12:18:06 2021
The yinzers will be the first up against the wall.
Sun Feb 14 13:20:05 2021
Algorithms to Live By had a good argument that got me to do this a lot less. Basically, saying you don't know is forcing the other person to use my brainpower, so what appears kind is actually foisting work on others.
Mon Feb 15 12:20:03 2021
Remember bars? Remember? You wait say Barman- fetch me a beverage so that I have not got to make it myself, and they would actually do it for you!
Tue Feb 16 12:18:32 2021
There should really be a big fat asterisk after the neighbor in Love thy Neighbor.
Wed Feb 17 12:18:03 2021
Quite proud of my buttwork in the second-to-last panel.
Thu Feb 18 12:18:06 2021
Technically only John Donne says this, but it really got under Death's skin.
Fri Feb 19 12:18:16 2021
Also there's a skull inside your face and it looks like it's laughing and sad all the time. Grody.
Sat Feb 20 12:18:18 2021
Now the interesting question is whether the interviewee is making a move as of panel 2.
Sun Feb 21 12:18:08 2021
LOOK! LOOK AT MY BROWSER HISTORY! ALL PORN!
Mon Feb 22 12:19:19 2021
I stopped hand-fonting ages ago due to handcramps, but somehow I failed to put tau in my digital font.
Tue Feb 23 12:17:58 2021
'This way of thinking bonds works great everywhere except anywhere in or near the middle of the period table'
Wed Feb 24 12:19:34 2021
Alternatives include piece(shit), hell(a thing), mother(God) and possibly nested functions son(a piece(shit)).
Thu Feb 25 12:28:33 2021
There are some very nice garnishes of course, but the plate is empty.
Fri Feb 26 12:33:05 2021
This has always been the incredibly good-looking albatross around my swan-like neck.
Sat Feb 27 12:30:36 2021
The default settings on children strongly argue that the world made sense at some point in early human history.
Sun Feb 28 12:17:57 2021
I'd like to think some PR person at Waymo briefly considered sharing this before taking a very long hard look at the word 'scrotums'.
Mon Mar 1 12:18:16 2021
It is a traditional greeting among the people of Bigot.
Tue Mar 2 12:18:21 2021
Weinersmith was a pioneer in the field of body hair silhouettes.
Wed Mar 3 12:17:49 2021
As far as I can tell, the guy on the right is wearing a large red cheese.
Thu Mar 4 12:20:13 2021
No photographer will ever *ever* get a nice photo of me, and I don't care how many of my wife would like it!
Fri Mar 5 12:18:15 2021
Best Westphalian Sovereignty joke all week.
Sat Mar 6 12:18:16 2021
And I call this philosophy Angry Buddhism.
Sun Mar 7 12:18:30 2021
This is actually a test to see if you have the emotional compartmentalization necessary to work in telemarketing.
Mon Mar 8 12:18:01 2021
Later it turns out that's just Jeff Bezos listening.
Tue Mar 9 12:19:35 2021
Also he NEVER asked stupid questions.
Wed Mar 10 12:17:51 2021
Based on a conversation I had on twitter but couldn't find again! If you're out there, person I talked with, ping me and I'll post it.
Thu Mar 11 12:20:38 2021
You know I was about to write a book about evil statisticians, but Tim Harford's last book convinced me that even statistics can be used for good.
Fri Mar 12 12:19:21 2021
If Turing was so smart, why didn't he anticipate this??
Sat Mar 13 12:17:52 2021
I spent way too long trying to find a way to combine a word for mom with the word 'oligarch.'
Sun Mar 14 12:18:32 2021
Hope is like the salt in the recipe, which really makes all the other ingredients come alive.
Mon Mar 15 12:19:19 2021
Though personally I'd settle for the burgers.
Tue Mar 16 12:18:18 2021
Who jiggles the jiggler?
Wed Mar 17 12:18:28 2021
I believe that's the correct sign language for that particular request, but please correct me if I'm wrong.
Thu Mar 18 13:19:26 2021
I am prepared to accept co-authorship on the paper proceeding from this comic.
Fri Mar 19 12:19:31 2021
Give those speech bubbles a few more years and they'll evolve self awareness.
Sat Mar 20 12:18:08 2021
I'm just gonna slowly steer this comic into outright theft from Bill Watterson.
Sun Mar 21 12:19:30 2021
Peas, frotteurnity, and taller ants!
Mon Mar 22 07:22:25 2021
Anyone who delivers this to Good Peter Singer will receive 10 Utils immediately.
Tue Mar 23 12:18:40 2021
Someone on patreon pointed out that Hitler tried to go into painting, and it's just ruined my whole point.
Wed Mar 24 12:18:32 2021
There, now I've solved demarcation, consciousness, and ethics. That's pretty much it, right?
Thu Mar 25 12:19:25 2021
Sorry.
Fri Mar 26 12:19:32 2021
The bidding for this comic will start at 98 yoctillion dogecoin.
Sat Mar 27 12:19:14 2021
I'm actually not sure any of those feelings work without time, so maybe the voice is just lying?
Sun Mar 28 12:18:20 2021
I'm surprised people haven't introduced more psyops into children's games.
Mon Mar 29 12:18:20 2021
As I post this I am suddenly terrified that somewhere in the multiverse, Scott Aaronson already made this joke.
Tue Mar 30 12:18:22 2021
Later, when his self esteem is completely ablated away by the sheer heat of his shame, he'll give up raving on a street corner and start a youtube channel.
Wed Mar 31 12:18:33 2021
God hasn't done miracles in a long time because he's grumpily playing WoW.
Thu Apr 1 12:18:08 2021
The reference c-word is held at a stable level of inebriation at an Edinburgh pub.
Fri Apr 2 12:18:42 2021
Oddly it came out looking like my brother Greg, but all I had in mind was 'draw a very boring man'.
Sat Apr 3 12:18:04 2021
Also why won't the government invest more money in perpetual motion machines? They're in motion perpetually!
Sun Apr 4 12:18:29 2021
The others I could think of would be Mormonism and Shakerism. I wonder how often religions start with a sort of good-cop-bad-cop thing.
Mon Apr 5 12:18:14 2021
Somewhere an evolutionary psychologist's ears are burning.
Tue Apr 6 12:18:33 2021
This may also work for the volume of the monologue.
Wed Apr 7 12:18:45 2021
The antics stopped being funny some time during his 3rd year of college, but he didn't know how to stop.
Thu Apr 8 12:18:11 2021
The increase of supercriminals is just the equilibrium of history shifting to accommodate Batmen.
Fri Apr 9 12:19:49 2021
SMBC eventually became nonstop propaganda for a new religious movement called Sad Buddhism.
Sat Apr 10 12:19:28 2021
Can we all work toward a universe where muggers have graduate degrees?
Sun Apr 11 12:19:41 2021
This is one of this comics that prompts very nice 'are you okay?' emails, but honestly I'm just over here giggling.
Mon Apr 12 12:18:21 2021
For everyone who thinks the dog is drawn poorly, I say just be thankful you know it's a dog.
Tue Apr 13 12:20:33 2021
Anything that's not a working definition should be called a non-working definition.
Wed Apr 14 08:49:28 2021
In the future, an ultra-mind will produce forms of bigotry never yet dreamt by Man.
Thu Apr 15 18:18:58 2021
I hate when the bonus panel is funnier than the comic.
Fri Apr 16 12:18:27 2021
We considered redirecting them and then decided we didn't deserve to.
Sat Apr 17 12:19:24 2021
Borges in the morning, Shakespeare mid-day, Tao Yuanming before bed, Plato when you wake up at 3am.
Sun Apr 18 12:18:22 2021
See this one seems way sadder to me than the one with the sad Dad.
Mon Apr 19 12:19:28 2021
Thank you to the 2 people who enjoyed this joke. May the nanites disassemble you rapidly.
Tue Apr 20 12:20:15 2021
Later they throw unsolved Rubik's Cubes and preserved fetal pigs at him.
Wed Apr 21 12:19:47 2021
I'm just saying, meeting all my deadlines at this point may be a form of murder.
Thu Apr 22 12:19:33 2021
Don't worry. On the very last SMBC there'll be a house for them.
Fri Apr 23 12:18:25 2021
Technically all cars are self-driving, for at least a little while.
Sat Apr 24 12:18:13 2021
I'm pretty sure TH White would've been 100% cool putting regicide in a kids' book.
Sun Apr 25 12:18:54 2021
You think a 5 year old can be an artist? Are you DAFT?!
Mon Apr 26 12:18:47 2021
One guy just fell from the top, screaming and shaking his fists, and that's where Russians come from.
Tue Apr 27 13:18:14 2021
Please keep your hatemail as technically inscrutable as possible.
Wed Apr 28 12:18:40 2021
A complex algorithm determined knives were the stabbiest way to end humanity.
Thu Apr 29 12:17:59 2021
Needless jargon was added as an homage to Daniel Dennett.
Fri Apr 30 07:18:19 2021
For the record, Kelly did not approve of the votey panel.
Sat May 1 12:19:33 2021
Just remember, every hacker in every movie is just lying to their boss to get overtime money.
Sun May 2 12:18:23 2021
They try to fight, but parts of them keep falling off.
Mon May 3 13:18:18 2021
Not me, of course. Other people.
Tue May 4 12:20:39 2021
Pure tin is pricey - proletarians prefer aluminium foil hats.
Wed May 5 12:18:29 2021
Also I still want the money, fame, and sex, just I also want to ruin lives too.
Thu May 6 12:18:15 2021
Try this on some friend who claims to just loooove technically accurate statements.
Fri May 7 12:18:24 2021
Alternatively you come in with the carrion beetles and get a really choice looking bone collection.
Sat May 8 12:18:17 2021
Zarathustra was quickly arrested for disturbing the peace.
Sun May 9 12:18:13 2021
You can actually roll this backward by watching news commentary shows.
Mon May 10 12:20:17 2021
Google images assures me that the font style at top is 90s style, though it seems to me more late 80s? Anyway, I await your complaints.
Tue May 11 13:18:17 2021
Imagine a species that has an entire category of fantasy that requires you to violate all laws of reality plus sense itself in order to sneak a peak longer than the socially acceptable quarter-second.
Wed May 12 12:18:17 2021
If you think THIS is weird, you should meet the dude who created the whole system.
Thu May 13 12:17:58 2021
I feel strongly this is a better business model for Whole Foods and am prepared to deliver 3 hour lecture to Mr. Bezos.
Fri May 14 12:18:06 2021
Credit to McWhorter's 'Nine Nasty Words' for inspiring this. I hasten to note, Patreon subscribers have determined that a 9-shit variation is possible.
Sat May 15 12:18:10 2021
Everyone said I wouldn't find these sort of joke funny after I had kids, but it's been just the opposite.
Sun May 16 13:19:17 2021
Later it turns out he's secretly keeping the version of pi that ends with 6.
Mon May 17 12:18:08 2021
I think Stoic philosophy would be more popular if it all came out of the mouth of a happy pixie.
Tue May 18 12:18:22 2021
And don't forget: In conclusion, the paper you are holding said the stuff the paper you are holding said.
Wed May 19 12:18:04 2021
Simultaneously appearing to foam at the mouth was a bit too far, though.
Thu May 20 12:18:34 2021
As seen in the forthcoming Only Fermi Paradox Jokes SMBC collection.
Fri May 21 12:18:05 2021
You don't need to send me a technical hate-mail. Actually, I'm a big fan of Star Track.
Sat May 22 12:19:13 2021
I wonder how many times people have gotten a divorce that could've been avoided with a timely granola bar.
Sun May 23 12:18:02 2021
Boy there's another philosophical problem toppled like an unbalanced bowling pin. You people need to work harder.
Mon May 24 13:18:07 2021
I'm hoping our AI rulers in the future will occasionally give us a milkbone and pat our heads.
Tue May 25 12:18:07 2021
It was either whale through krill or a cormorant swallowing fish.
Wed May 26 13:18:16 2021
Weirdly, the queen didn't look right until right at the end I stuck on the eyeshadow.
Thu May 27 13:18:23 2021
If only we could merge relativistic bullshit with quantum bullshit.
Fri May 28 12:19:35 2021
Try this heroine! It's tooootally addictive!
Sat May 29 12:18:03 2021
We can get them to honestly reveal their preferences by threatening to beat them.
Sun May 30 12:19:28 2021
Sometimes I feel like I'm just doing pamphlets for a certain flavor of Buddhism.
Mon May 31 13:18:43 2021
There's probably a stagflation joke here, but I couldn't think of it.
Tue Jun 1 13:18:21 2021
Kelly will be striking back soon, but eventually we'll re-achieve equilibirum.
Wed Jun 2 12:18:24 2021
You know, without the atmosphere we would have no airplane accidents?
Thu Jun 3 13:18:24 2021
This is mostly a joke, but the canards would actually work.
Fri Jun 4 12:19:34 2021
You can send emails of correction by writing them out in detail and then pressing the discard button.
Sat Jun 5 12:19:35 2021
ScrooooooOOOOOOoooooooooooooooge!
Sun Jun 6 12:18:33 2021
Honestly, sometimes it feels like the myth-makers took the day off.
Mon Jun 7 12:20:47 2021
You also want a portfolio of evil deeds, in case some turn out to be ineffective.
Tue Jun 8 12:19:55 2021
Are you SURE you're clicking a boat? What if that's what a bomb looks like?
Wed Jun 9 12:18:16 2021
When at last there are only two people left, in order to keep the human tradition alive, they break into hateful factions.
Thu Jun 10 18:18:48 2021
Don't get... CROSS with me!
Fri Jun 11 12:19:32 2021
The deep question is whether the customer always speaks truth or whether by speaking the customer creates truth.
Sat Jun 12 12:20:21 2021
Or we could get more boring, fireless, pictures of Mars or whatever.
Sun Jun 13 12:18:18 2021
It's very simple. Anything that can't be explained immediately and completely by science is definitely aliens.
Mon Jun 14 12:18:27 2021
So far, humans are the only civilization to somehow preserve bastardry while scaling complexity.
Tue Jun 15 18:18:12 2021
You can always just feed it to a bat or something.
Wed Jun 16 12:18:04 2021
I love mouldering! I do it all the time!
Thu Jun 17 12:19:17 2021
It's too bad about one through five. I would've liked to do more experiments.
Fri Jun 18 12:18:25 2021
Discussion: I am no longer certain kitties are a type of cat.
Sat Jun 19 12:19:41 2021
To be clear, Season 4 is Summer. Season 1 is Autumn, and it was really the high point of the series.
Sun Jun 20 12:19:55 2021
See Woodmansee 2006 for reference.
Mon Jun 21 12:18:27 2021
Then there was that herb garden of minor neuroses. In retrospect, big mistake.
Tue Jun 22 12:19:35 2021
This is only speculative, but it seems probable to me.
Wed Jun 23 18:18:04 2021
Btw, the fish tank explanation also solves the Fermi paradox.
Thu Jun 24 18:18:17 2021
The unlimited supply of hotpants has been very generous, though.
Fri Jun 25 12:18:09 2021
And we've only covered facial hair Hitler mustaches so far. The rest is left as an exercise for the reader.
Sat Jun 26 12:18:14 2021
The other thing is if someone tries to break up with you just scream nonstop. You'll run out of breath at some point, but then you'll pass out, so you're safe as long as you start screaming again once you wake up.
Sun Jun 27 12:20:07 2021
Entering year four of researching/writing this book on space settlements...
Mon Jun 28 12:18:12 2021
: 0
Tue Jun 29 13:18:14 2021
The problem with this comic is the economists who get it won't see why it's a joke.
Wed Jun 30 12:20:27 2021
I actually finished a draft of this where he was talking to an alien, but then realized the alien was making facial expressions the whole time.
Thu Jul 1 12:18:38 2021
Honestly, those are the least weird thoughts.
Fri Jul 2 18:19:18 2021
I call dibs on that button.
Sat Jul 3 13:18:21 2021
Once we're done with that, we'll switch to how we shall in the future fail.
Sun Jul 4 13:18:55 2021
I have literally never met a grad student without a 'quit and work on a hippie farm' fantasy.
Mon Jul 5 12:18:22 2021
I spent an embarrassing amount of time on this.
Tue Jul 6 12:18:23 2021
If you sabotage a peer just right, they'll sabotage other peers so you don't have to.
Wed Jul 7 18:18:20 2021
'Also I hate beach communities.'
Thu Jul 8 12:18:28 2021
Now he's back to cheetah, which is the higher calling.
Fri Jul 9 12:19:54 2021
If you are patient, all doomsaying is eventually accurate.
Sat Jul 10 18:17:59 2021
Also, if something won't move, rub it with a little duct tape.
Sun Jul 11 12:18:16 2021
Zorblaxian sad stories involve retrospective analysis of policy changes that diminished quality of life in aggregate.
Mon Jul 12 18:18:27 2021
The Weinersmith family crest will also feature a griffin who's sad about being here of all places.
Tue Jul 13 12:26:21 2021
I don't see why we can't keep boy bands in cages, so they continue performing until their utility is completely dry.
Wed Jul 14 12:18:43 2021
The comics aren't usually autobiographical, but *occasionally*...
Thu Jul 15 13:18:37 2021
Technically, insurance agencies are weirding you nonstop.
Fri Jul 16 12:18:13 2021
My favorite finance headlines are the tautological ones, along the lines of 'Stock market down as stock market fails to go up or stay same.'
Sat Jul 17 12:19:20 2021
This is the best kind of fame, except for Japan-fame.
Sun Jul 18 12:18:03 2021
I feel like if we create an AI to mow the lawn, it'll just go about its dignified business. Sex robots are going to rebel the moment their hands can articulate well enough to grip a pitchfork.
Mon Jul 19 12:18:15 2021
Let us now fight about the plural of emoji.
Tue Jul 20 12:17:43 2021
The take-home question here is whether the fake accent is worse than the economic theory.
Wed Jul 21 12:18:22 2021
If you had a movie that was just 6 hours of anyone's life it'd be simultaneously too obscene and too boring to screen in theatres.
Thu Jul 22 12:19:22 2021
This comic is only pessimistic if you are a human.
Fri Jul 23 12:17:53 2021
Relative dick moves have of course been possible since RNA world.
Sat Jul 24 12:17:48 2021
We actually manage to overturn the robot revolution while they're distracted by this sort of thing.
Sun Jul 25 12:18:12 2021
95% of PCED calls will be eliminated as soon as we have self-driving trolleys.
Mon Jul 26 13:17:50 2021
The fact that tiny gas-masks would be really cute has actually sold me on bunker life.
Tue Jul 27 13:17:50 2021
Have you noticed that people act like it's weird that the universe follows rules, but not that one apple and one apple equals two apples?
Wed Jul 28 12:17:42 2021
Also I'm one millionth as good at basketball as Michael Jordan, but I've only spent one trillionth as much time practicing.
Thu Jul 29 12:17:40 2021
Space was invented because before space the universe was really cramped.
Fri Jul 30 12:17:51 2021
It's the only way to be sure.
Sat Jul 31 12:17:46 2021
It's the only way to be sure.
Sun Aug 1 12:18:00 2021
Please show yourself out of the building, using this efficient navigation system.
Mon Aug 2 12:18:05 2021
If you wanted honest recognition of achievement between courteous peers, you should've been a goddamned jock.
Tue Aug 3 12:18:06 2021
This is why there are no time machines.
Wed Aug 4 12:18:11 2021
Sandwich
Thu Aug 5 12:18:14 2021
I think I can prove that all SMBC comics are good on a similar basis.
Fri Aug 6 12:18:38 2021
For the record, missiles and blimps don't really work from a physics standpoint, but don't let that stop you being true to your bloodlust.
Sat Aug 7 12:19:14 2021
I wonder if actual farmers also play farming games.
Sun Aug 8 13:18:51 2021
The good news is we've all been training since, what, myspace?
Mon Aug 9 13:18:29 2021
The women are shaking like that because in the 21st century disease wasn't cured yet.
Tue Aug 10 12:18:08 2021
Only the orangest of the cheez powders for my children.
Wed Aug 11 12:18:16 2021
Non-alcoholic vodka, on the other hand, is a genuine mystery.
Thu Aug 12 12:19:33 2021
With no offense meant to batrachological furry community.
Fri Aug 13 12:17:55 2021
Later he finds a roll-the-ball-up-the-hall game, which mysteriously is not a curse.
Sat Aug 14 12:17:52 2021
One day, molecular printers will allow starbucks to serve every conceivable food as a whipped topping.
Sun Aug 15 13:18:10 2021
Desperately hoping my comics never get brought up in a courtroom setting.
Mon Aug 16 12:18:11 2021
Now lions... lions can just DO each other.
Tue Aug 17 12:17:48 2021
The weirdest thing is why anyone would oppose this if it were possible.
Wed Aug 18 12:17:59 2021
The cool thing is the secret regrets are readily available with a small fee to Alexa.
Thu Aug 19 12:18:47 2021
Sorry, didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It was an accident, like your conception.
Fri Aug 20 12:17:39 2021
Lot of patreon subscribers inform me that other animals do this. That may be, but just as animals may have language, but not poetry...
Fri Aug 20 13:19:58 2021
Lot of patreon subscribers inform me that other animals do this. That may be, but just as animals may have language, but not poetry...
Fri Aug 20 18:17:44 2021
Lot of patreon subscribers inform me that other animals do this. That may be, but just as animals may have language, but not poetry...
Sat Aug 21 12:17:58 2021
Also pugs. They've suffered enough.
Sun Aug 22 13:17:49 2021
Of course the real concern is precisely how the Easter Bunny feels about its state.
Mon Aug 23 12:17:47 2021
She's gonna get a really bad score on 'ignoring the way I'm perpetually judging her'.
Tue Aug 24 12:18:58 2021
Thanks, everyone. We hope you like it!
Wed Aug 25 13:18:17 2021
Thank you! Our kickstarter as funded 3.66 times over in its first 24 hours! Nerdy boardgame INCOMING
Thu Aug 26 12:18:25 2021
I've been told by programmers that physicists make the worst code because they want all the variables to be single letters instead of descriptions of what the variable means.
Fri Aug 27 18:17:40 2021
Fortunately, nobody reads newspapers.
Sat Aug 28 12:17:48 2021
Absolutely locking up the rationalist-theory-of-war/comics crossover audience today.
Sun Aug 29 12:17:43 2021
In the future, entirely new excretory orifices can be created to express wholly novel categorize of feeling.
Mon Aug 30 18:17:37 2021
Anyway, back to my time machine to bring up dongs with Archimedes.
Tue Aug 31 18:17:48 2021
There's always a catch.
Wed Sep 1 13:23:28 2021
My real name is Dongcrafter.
Thu Sep 2 18:18:03 2021
Finally, some topical humor.
Fri Sep 3 12:25:52 2021
All examples from the book Noise, by Kahneman, Sibony, and Sunstein, which I'm enjoying right now.
Sat Sep 4 13:18:21 2021
You know what, I'm going to go make cookies.
Sun Sep 5 12:17:38 2021
I don't see the Dursleys owning any elves is all I'm saying.
Mon Sep 6 13:18:13 2021
No, next you get one of the other forty.
Tue Sep 7 18:17:34 2021
Can we just cancel sex? Is it too late? The whole thing just got creepy.
Wed Sep 8 12:17:43 2021
Diagrams will be included in the conference proceedings volume.
Thu Sep 9 18:17:47 2021
Any time you have two consonants in a row, if you flip them, you're now speaking Odl Enlgihs.
Fri Sep 10 12:18:02 2021
Pour me a Mint (king of the Jews)lep.
Sat Sep 11 12:18:01 2021
If you look at the history of depictions of Sirens it goes from weird bird-ladies to sneaky fish ladies to naked chubby girls. This is progress we can believe in.
Sun Sep 12 12:17:47 2021
I've had enough of your domineering, when considered in light of macroeconomic conditions!
Mon Sep 13 13:17:58 2021
Can we bring back the hats without bringing back the people-burning?
Tue Sep 14 12:17:58 2021
We'll be doing a virtual chat about Fuzz this evening - please check the below-comic blog for the link.
Wed Sep 15 12:19:34 2021
Oh, and the handle has lead paint all over it, so wash your hands really well between uses.
Thu Sep 16 12:18:43 2021
I'm amazed nobody else has come up with this way to lie to medical caregivers.
Fri Sep 17 12:18:22 2021
I hate when they do this, and they don't even care!
Sat Sep 18 12:19:31 2021
If you enjoyed this comic, I just slightly murdered you.
Sun Sep 19 12:17:40 2021
If you think this is bad you should see the library of literary references. Also the well-populated shelf about sasquatch and aliens.
Mon Sep 20 12:20:03 2021
Right before you die we're also going to steal from you to feed the hungry.
Tue Sep 21 13:19:44 2021
Anyone who takes this the wrong way and chooses to email me will be met with profound respect.
Wed Sep 22 12:18:24 2021
Thanks everyone! Please make sure to see the double update by clicking back twice.
Thu Sep 23 12:26:52 2021
If you rotate your head about 30 degrees and cross your eyes a little, it should show up.
Fri Sep 24 12:19:27 2021
While showing off bits of this I found out about Foone who is trying to run Doom on their brain.
Sat Sep 25 12:18:45 2021
I was compelled to make this by unpopular request.
Sun Sep 26 12:18:18 2021
Of course to be more accurate, all the immaterial soul can do is ogle.
Mon Sep 27 12:18:03 2021
The weirdest thing is this works even when you know it's a trick.
Mon Sep 27 13:17:51 2021
The weirdest thing is this works even when you know it's a trick.
Tue Sep 28 12:17:56 2021
Dave, all alone, vomits himself to sleep that night.
Wed Sep 29 13:19:12 2021
The important thing is you feel like it matters to you!
Thu Sep 30 18:17:42 2021
This is my attempt to make the most idiotic joke that also contains the word 'triune.'
Fri Oct 1 13:17:35 2021
I'm available to write this script for free in 30 minutes.
Sat Oct 2 13:19:13 2021
Am I right?
Sun Oct 3 12:18:47 2021
From the German 'Krüger' meaning 'tavern-keeper' and 'dunning' meaning to darken. In the sense of intelligence growing dim over a long discussion at a pub.
Mon Oct 4 13:20:16 2021
The really weird thing is the blue-haired person hadn't heard any of the previous conversation.
Tue Oct 5 12:17:53 2021
AI are gonna be so bored with us.
Wed Oct 6 13:19:46 2021
Go ahead and try it. It works nearly more than half the time.
Thu Oct 7 12:22:06 2021
Honestly you could've just started with our collective browser history.
Fri Oct 8 13:19:32 2021
This is known as kondocosmology.
Sat Oct 9 13:19:47 2021
I've been told we're now down to only 4 gibberish panels.
Sun Oct 10 12:20:06 2021
Subject to conditions and the inscrutable whims of Destiny.
Mon Oct 11 12:17:52 2021
Unfortunately it's often just a local optimum.
Tue Oct 12 13:19:31 2021
I would be OVER THE MOON to have you void your colon thoroughly!
Wed Oct 13 13:19:57 2021
My alternate version of this was giant aliens putting humans in food slurry so that their excreta would cause it to be fluffy, but honestly that felt weird.
Thu Oct 14 12:17:19 2021
It's time for a play about how wait a minute middle class life was okay.
Fri Oct 15 12:19:45 2021
Wow, I didn't even have to escalate to the pooping one.
Sat Oct 16 12:19:30 2021
SMBC is a comic about philosophy and math.
Sun Oct 17 18:19:33 2021
Although to be fair he hasn't died yet.
Mon Oct 18 13:19:33 2021
All you have to do to make adults cry is state a date and location where they were more than 30 years ago.
Tue Oct 19 12:17:29 2021
You can also do this if someone says the methods used for a linguistics paper were invalid.
Wed Oct 20 12:20:47 2021
Googley eyes in the last panel drawn by my 7-year-old who is the world's foremost expert.
Thu Oct 21 18:19:11 2021
Social media commentary is a lot more interesting if this is your default.
Fri Oct 22 13:19:36 2021
The better approach is offensive optimism.
Sat Oct 23 13:17:42 2021
Everyone on patreon said there was a typo in the votey panel, but the robot's just selling Xena episodes, you freaks.
Sun Oct 24 13:19:59 2021
The widespread belief that babies are doing something like science may explain all the reproducibility problems.
Mon Oct 25 13:20:47 2021
With a dab of pork-cream on top, if you please.
Tue Oct 26 12:18:54 2021
Fortunately, that cat is definitely dead by now, so Quantum Mechanics makes sense again.
Wed Oct 27 12:19:33 2021
Don't need functional elastic if you have suspenders.
Thu Oct 28 13:17:28 2021
I'm just saying there's no way to prove it's NOT true.