Tue Jul 19 07:35:23 2011
In a way, all vultures are Time Vultures; some just have more patience than others.
Tue Jul 19 23:49:54 2011
Fortunately, the charging one has been solved now that we've all standardized on mini-USB. Or is it micro-USB? Shit.
Thu Jul 21 23:39:31 2011
Even if the dictionaries are starting to give in, I refuse to accept 'octopi' as a word mainly because--I'm not making this up--there's a really satisfying climactic scene in the Orson Scott Card horror novel 'Lost Boys' which hinges on it being an incorrect pluralization.
Sun Jul 24 23:39:31 2011
'I was pretty good at skeet shooting, but was eventually kicked off the range for catching the clay pigeons in a net and dispatching them execution-style.'
Tue Jul 26 23:44:38 2011
Not pictured: the elongated Halley's-Comet-like orbit of every Rebecca Black lyric.
Fri Jul 29 05:39:45 2011
Each quarter of the lanes from left to right correspond loosely to breast cancer stages one through four (at diagnosis).
Fri Jul 29 11:39:55 2011
Each quarter of the lanes from left to right correspond loosely to breast cancer stages one through four (at diagnosis).
Sun Jul 31 23:39:55 2011
It was their main recruiting poster, hung up nearly ten feet up a wall! This means the hackers have LADDER technology! Are we headed for a future where everyone has to pay $50 for one of those locked plexiglass poster covers? More after the break ...
Tue Aug 2 23:43:55 2011
I calculate that the electrons in radiation therapy hit you at 99.8% of the speed of light, and the beam used in a 90-second gamma ray therapy session could, if fired with less precision, kill a horse (they did not let me test this).
Thu Aug 4 23:43:34 2011
It's fun to watch browsers fumblingly recapitulate the history of window management. Someday we'll have xmonad as a Firefox extension.
Sun Aug 7 23:40:14 2011
The Street View van isn't going to find out anything Google won't already know from reading my email.
Tue Aug 9 23:42:01 2011
To anyone who understands information theory and security and is in an infuriating argument with someone who does not (possibly involving mixed case), I sincerely apologize.
Thu Aug 11 23:42:11 2011
The bug report was marked 'could not reproduce'.
Sun Aug 14 23:42:19 2011
'We're not sure how to wipe out the chimeral T-cells after they've destroyed the cancer. Though I do have this vial of smallpox ...'
Mon Aug 15 11:47:24 2011
'We're not sure how to wipe out the chimeral T-cells after they've destroyed the cancer. Though I do have this vial of smallpox ...'
Tue Aug 16 23:43:10 2011
'The Return of the Boomerang' would make a great movie title.
Thu Aug 18 23:51:29 2011
I felt so clever when I found a way to game the Fitocracy system by incorporating a set of easy but high-scoring activities into my regular schedule. Took me a bit to realize I'd been tricked into setting up a daily exercise routine.
Fri Aug 19 05:41:59 2011
I felt so clever when I found a way to game the Fitocracy system by incorporating a set of easy but high-scoring activities into my regular schedule. Took me a bit to realize I'd been tricked into setting up a daily exercise routine.
Sun Aug 21 23:52:50 2011
I've looked at clouds from both sides now.
Tue Aug 23 23:41:48 2011
Later: 'Why is there a book hovering over the trash can?'
Fri Aug 26 05:50:09 2011
I'm as surprised as you!
Mon Aug 29 11:47:14 2011
After exhausting the OED, we started numbering them. When overlapping hurricanes formed at all points on the Earth's surface, and our scheme was foiled by Cantor diagonalization, we just decided to name them all "Steve". Your local forecast tomorrow is "Steve". Good luck.
Wed Aug 31 00:05:39 2011
You know I've always hated her.
Thu Sep 1 23:45:06 2011
My decal set has no adults, just a sea of hundreds of the little girl figures closing in around a single cat.
Sun Sep 4 23:41:56 2011
But Einstein said it was the most powerful force in the universe, and I take all my investment advice from flippant remarks by theoretical physicists making small talk at parties.
Tue Sep 6 11:42:19 2011
But Einstein said it was the most powerful force in the universe, and I take all my investment advice from flippant remarks by theoretical physicists making small talk at parties.
Tue Sep 6 17:41:47 2011
And they both react poorly to showers.
Thu Sep 8 23:41:45 2011
Every time you email a file to yourself so you can pull it up on your friend's laptop, Tim Berners-Lee sheds a single tear.
Sun Sep 11 23:41:47 2011
The Roanoke Lost Colonists founded Roanoke, the Franklin Expedition reached the Pacific in 2009 when the Northwest Passage opened, and Jimmy Hoffa currently heads the Teamsters Union--he just started going by 'James'.
Tue Sep 13 23:41:40 2011
And if you drive a typical car more than a mile out of your way for each penny you save on the per-gallon price, it doesn't matter how worthless your time is to you--the gas to get you there and back costs more than you save.
Thu Sep 15 23:41:45 2011
According to every stud finder I've tried to use, my walls contain a rapidly shifting network of hundreds and hundreds of studs.
Mon Sep 19 05:41:32 2011
If you get an 11/100 on a CS test, but you claim it should be counted as a 'C', they'll probably decide you deserve the upgrade.
Wed Sep 21 05:42:03 2011
Those few who escaped found the emergency cutoff box disabled. The stampede lasted two hours and reached the bottom three times.
Fri Sep 23 05:41:38 2011
I can't speak to the paper's scientific merits, but it's really cool how on page 10 you can see that their reference GPS beacon is sensitive enough to pick up continential drift under the detector (interrupted halfway through by an earthquake).
Mon Sep 26 05:53:18 2011
In the new edition of The Giving Tree, the tree uses social tools to share with its friend all the best places to buy things.
Wed Sep 28 07:57:14 2011
Funding was quickly restored to the NHC and the APA was taken back off hurricane forecast duty.
Fri Sep 30 05:43:53 2011
'Rating: 1/5. Room filled to brim with semen, and when front desk clerk opened mouth to talk, bedbugs poured out.'
Sun Oct 2 23:41:49 2011
For a thousand generations we vowed never to forget how his soldiers feasted on our brother Stephen.
Tue Oct 4 23:41:49 2011
Once you see it, you can't help seeing it every time. Until your body finishes metabolizing the mushrooms.
Thu Oct 6 06:42:30 2011
There's always the hope that if you sit and watch for long enough, the beachball will vanish and the thing it interrupted will return.
Mon Oct 10 05:42:21 2011
And no avian society ever develops space travel because it's impossible to focus on calculus when you could be outside flying.
Tue Oct 11 23:42:44 2011
Thomas Jefferson thought that every law and every constitution should be torn down and rewritten from scratch every nineteen years--which means X is overdue.
Fri Oct 14 05:50:32 2011
I was going to record an album with that cover under the name "PINK FTFY", so it'd come after them on the store CD rack. But at this point music stores are just rooms where CDs are set out to age before they're thrown away, so probably nobody would see it.
Fri Oct 14 11:44:13 2011
I was going to record an album with that cover under the name "PINK FTFY", so it'd come after them on the store CD rack. But at this point music stores are just rooms where CDs are set out to age before they're thrown away, so probably nobody would see it.
Sun Oct 16 23:42:03 2011
Of all the nations, the armies of the ununoctium-benders are probably the least intimidating. The xenon-benders come close, but their flickery signs are at least effective for propoganda.
Wed Oct 19 05:42:40 2011
The 'controlled demoliton' theory was concocted by the government to distract us. '9/11 was an inside job' was an inside job!
Fri Oct 21 05:54:06 2011
Colorado is working to develop coherent amber waves, which would allow them to finally destroy Kansas and Nebraska with a devastating but majestic grain laser.
Mon Oct 24 07:46:16 2011
I wanna hold your hand so I don't fall out of your gyrocopter.
Wed Oct 26 11:42:26 2011
If you fire a Portal gun through the door of the wardrobe, space and time knot together, which leads to a frustrated Aslan trying to impart Christian morality to the Space sphere.
Fri Oct 28 07:36:42 2011
I hear in some places, you need one form of ID to buy a gun, but two to pay for it by check. It's interesting who has what incentives to care about what mistakes.
Mon Oct 31 05:51:26 2011
I just noticed CVS has started stocking homeopathic pills on the same shelves with--and labeled similarly to--their actual medicine. Telling someone who trusts you that you're giving them medicine, when you know you’re not, because you want their money, isn’t just lying--it’s like an example you’d make up if you had to illustrate for a child why lying is wrong.
Wed Nov 2 05:39:57 2011
November marks the birthday of Charles Schulz, pioneer of tongue awareness.
Thu Nov 3 23:39:54 2011
If you identified with the kids from The Breakfast Club when it came out, you're now much closer to the age of Principal Vernon.
Sun Nov 6 23:40:06 2011
I find that when someone's taking time to do something right in the present, they're a perfectionist with no ability to prioritize, whereas when someone took time to do something right in the past, they're a master artisan of great foresight.
Mon Nov 7 08:17:23 2011
I find that when someone's taking time to do something right in the present, they're a perfectionist with no ability to prioritize, whereas when someone took time to do something right in the past, they're a master artisan of great foresight.
Wed Nov 9 01:49:21 2011
Type II Kardashev civilizations eventually completely enclose their planetary system in a Dyson sphere because space is way too big to look at all the time.
Fri Nov 11 01:39:42 2011
It only works a few times before you have to capsize the boat in a soap lagoon again.
Sun Nov 13 23:40:41 2011
What's that? You think I don't like the Peters map because I'm uncomfortable with having my cultural assumptions challenged? Are you sure you're not ... ::puts on sunglasses:: ... projecting?
Wed Nov 16 08:10:59 2011
I just read a pop-science book by a respected author. One chapter, and much of the thesis, was based around wildly inaccurate data which traced back to ... Wikipedia. To encourage people to be on their toes, I'm not going to say what book or author.
Thu Nov 17 23:41:44 2011
All long help threads should have a sticky globally-editable post at the top saying 'DEAR PEOPLE FROM THE FUTURE: Here's what we've figured out so far ...'
Mon Nov 21 16:01:28 2011
There, I showed you it.
Tue Nov 22 10:49:58 2011
There, I showed you it.
Tue Nov 22 12:39:29 2011
There, I showed you it.
Wed Nov 23 02:39:44 2011
Eww, gross, you modified link()? How could you enjoy abusing a filesystem like that?
Fri Nov 25 02:39:44 2011
Proof of Zermelo's well-ordering theorem given the Axiom of Choice: 1: Take S to be any set. 2: When I reach step three, if S hasn't managed to find a well-ordering relation for itself, I'll feed it into this wood chipper. 3: Hey, look, S is well-ordered.
Mon Nov 28 02:39:18 2011
Eventual headline: 'University Researchers Create Life in Lab! Darkness, Faulty Condoms Blamed.'
Wed Nov 30 05:43:02 2011
The SLS head engineer plans to invite Shania Twain to stand under the completed prototype, then tell her, 'I don't expect you to date me just because I'm a rocket scientist, but you've gotta admit--this is pretty fucking impressive.'
Fri Dec 2 05:39:19 2011
Grayton also proposed making college scholarships available exclusively to sexually active teens, amnesty for illegal immigrants who create room for themselves by killing a citizen, and a graduated income tax based on penis size. He has been endorsed by Tracy Morgan, John Wilkes Booth's ghost, and the Time Cube guy.
Mon Dec 5 00:23:04 2011
I've always wondered whether you could drink slowly enough, and eliminate fast enough, that you just sort of peed continuously. But I'm afraid to try because I worry someone might call while I'm doing it and ask what I'm up to, and I won't be able to think of a lie.
Wed Dec 7 02:39:39 2011
The bunch of disadvantaged kids I was tutoring became too good at writing, and their essays were forcing me to confront painful existential questions, so I started trying to turn them on to drugs and crime instead.
Fri Dec 9 02:42:06 2011
An 'American tradition' is anything that happened to a baby boomer twice.
Mon Dec 12 02:39:24 2011
'Welcome to the future! Nothing's changed.' was the slogan of my astonishingly short-lived tech startup.
Wed Dec 14 02:39:26 2011
The high I feel when I actually remember to bring my reusable bags to the store--and take them inside rather than leaving them in the parked car--can last for days.
Fri Dec 16 02:40:28 2011
We could go to the theater across town and see if it's opened THERE yet, but we don't want to lose our place in line.
Mon Dec 19 05:39:46 2011
'Sailor Moon's head exploded once' and 'Some men have explosive orgasms' both work for the Great Lakes from west to east (Paddle-to-the-Sea order).
Wed Dec 21 02:39:36 2011
Legally-mandated information would be printed on the back or discreetly along the bottom. In small letters under the nutrition information it would say 'Like our products? Visit our website!' There would be no URL.
Fri Dec 23 02:39:28 2011
I think you could get up to about 11:59:57 before you'd have trouble swallowing the chocolates fast enough. At that point, you'd need some kind of a liquify-and-chug apparatus to get up over the 11:59:59 barrier. Anyway, Merry Christmas!
Mon Dec 26 02:39:31 2011
Plus they take like 9%.
Wed Dec 28 02:39:25 2011
Favorite mastectomy breast prosthesis idea: a fake boob containing a spare rechargable battery, accessed via a nipple USB port. Complete with a ring of LED charge indicators in the areola!
Fri Dec 30 02:39:28 2011
You can't stab Karl Kasell. He sounds all slow and stentorian, but he moves like a snake.
Sun Jan 1 18:39:27 2012
You can't stab Carl Kasell. He sounds all slow and stentorian, but he moves like a snake.
Mon Jan 2 02:39:25 2012
To compensate for this, I plan to spend 2013 doing nothing but talking about Mayans. My relationships with my friends and family may not fare well.
Wed Jan 4 02:39:28 2012
If you're lying in bed tonight and you see yellow eyes glinting in your window, are you being stalked by a puma, a mountain lion, a panther, a catamount, or a cougar? Trick question--in North America, they're all names for the same species, Puma concolor! Isn't learning fun? Anyway, sleep tight!
Fri Jan 6 02:39:27 2012
Thank you for making me feel less alone.
Mon Jan 9 02:39:28 2012
'ARE YOU TURNED ON YET?' 'I DON'T THINK SO--ARE YOU?' 'MAYBE A LITTLE!' 'OK, FIVE MORE MINUTES.'
Wed Jan 11 02:40:01 2012
The top computer champion at Seven Minutes in Heaven is a Honda-built Realdoll, but to date it has been unable to outperform the human Seven Minutes in Heaven champion, Ken Jennings.
Fri Jan 13 02:39:51 2012
Abel and Steve would've been fine! I like Steve!
Mon Jan 16 02:39:19 2012
I'm really worried Christopher Nolan will kill a man dressed like a bat in his next movie. (The man will be dressed like a bat, I mean. Christopher Nolan won't be, probably.)
Thu Jan 19 02:39:26 2012
In protest of SOPA, I'm currently getting totally blacked out.
Fri Jan 20 02:39:26 2012
Roger Ebert once called you directionless and unwatchable.
Mon Jan 23 02:39:35 2012
Though 100 years is longer than a lot of our resources.
Wed Jan 25 02:39:30 2012
Suckville is considered by the Census Bureau to be part of the Detroit metropolitan statistical area, despite not being located anywhere near Detroit.
Fri Jan 27 02:39:32 2012
If you're annoying enough, you can get them to respond with an involuntary second sigh and get a rhythm going.
Mon Jan 30 02:40:03 2012
'I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish Aquaman were here instead--HE'D be able to help.'
Mon Jan 30 05:39:40 2012
'I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish Aquaman were here instead--HE'D be able to help.'
Wed Feb 1 02:39:23 2012
I've been trying for a couple years now but I haven't been able to come up with a name dumber than 'Renesmee'.
Fri Feb 3 02:39:19 2012
Hi! Someone call for me? I'm a superhero who specializes in the study of God's creation of Man in the Book of Genesi-- HOLY SHIT A GIANT BUG!
Mon Feb 6 02:39:44 2012
Your will be led to judgement like lambs to the slaughter--a simile whose existence, I might add, will not do your species any favors.
Wed Feb 8 02:42:04 2012
Or if you replace your car, we'll be happy to set it on fire again so you can take another crack at getting that shot.
Fri Feb 10 02:39:26 2012
I have never been as self-conscious about my handwriting as when I was inking in the caption for this comic.
Mon Feb 13 02:39:19 2012
The worst resolution to the Valentine Prisoner's Dilemma when YOU decide not to give your partner a present but your PARTNER decides to testify against you in the armed robbery case.
Wed Feb 15 02:40:11 2012
People tell me I have too much time on my hands, but really the problem is that there's too much time, PERIOD.
Fri Feb 17 02:39:25 2012
NOW INVENT AN IMPOSSIBLE-TO-TRANSLATE LANGUAGE AND USE IT TO TELL US WHERE THE MONEY IS.
Mon Feb 20 02:39:15 2012
'Nuh-uh! We let users vote on comments and display them by number of votes. Everyone knows that makes it impossible for a few persistent voices to dominate the discussion.'
Wed Feb 22 02:39:43 2012
Also on the agenda: what's with his hips?
Fri Feb 24 02:39:19 2012
The investor elevator pitch is "Wheeeeeeee! Elevators are fun!"
Mon Feb 27 02:39:23 2012
'Come to what?' 'You. Me. This moment.'
Wed Feb 29 02:39:54 2012
Then it switched to these old black-and-white tapes of Bob Ross slumped against the wall of an empty room, painting the least happy trees you've ever seen. Either PBS needs to beef up studio security or I need to stop using Ambien to sleep.
Wed Feb 29 12:39:28 2012
Then it switched to these old black-and-white tapes of Bob Ross slumped against the wall of an empty room, painting the least happy trees you've ever seen. Either PBS needs to beef up studio security or I need to stop using Ambien to sleep.
Wed Feb 29 18:39:25 2012
Then it switched to these old black-and-white tapes of Bob Ross slumped against the wall of an empty room, painting the least happy trees you've ever seen. Either PBS needs to beef up studio security or I need to stop using Ambien to sleep.
Fri Mar 2 02:39:21 2012
It has a section on motherboard beep codes that lists, for each beep pattern, a song that syncs up well with it.
Mon Mar 5 02:39:52 2012
Dot Tumblr Dot Com, on the other hand, would be an awful name for a band, if only because of how hard it would be to direct people to your band's website.
Wed Mar 7 02:39:29 2012
Frankly, I see no difference between thee and a summer's day. Only Ron Paul offers a TRUE alternative!
Fri Mar 9 02:39:25 2012
Son, don't try to play 'make you feel bad' with the Michael Jordan of making you feel bad.
Fri Mar 9 12:39:25 2012
Son, don't try to play 'make you feel bad' with the Michael Jordan of making you feel bad.
Fri Mar 9 18:39:33 2012
Son, don't try to play 'make you feel bad' with the Michael Jordan of making you feel bad.
Mon Mar 12 03:40:01 2012
Anyone who says that they're great at communicating but 'people are bad at listening' is confused about how communication works.
Wed Mar 14 03:39:33 2012
Screw these 36-degree angles. I'm converting to Judaism.
Fri Mar 16 03:39:53 2012
I was sure he was just getting revenge, but then he did the same thing to Carrie Underwood. Then he mailed me a scone. I think I'm giving up dating.
Fri Mar 16 06:39:29 2012
I was sure he was just getting revenge, but then he did the same thing to Carrie Underwood. Then he mailed me a scone. I think I'm giving up dating.
Mon Mar 19 01:46:12 2012
Problem Exists Between Leopard And Chair
Wed Mar 21 03:41:18 2012
Our company is agile and lean with a focus on the long tail. Ok, our company is actually a polecat I found in my backyard.
Fri Mar 23 03:40:00 2012
Note that this implies you should NOT honk solely because I stopped for a pedestrian and you're behind me.
Mon Mar 26 03:39:35 2012
The only post to acheive perfect balance between the four was a hilarious joke about Mark Zuckerberg getting caught using a pseudonym to sneak past the TSA.
Wed Mar 28 03:39:59 2012
When they moved production from New Zealand to the UK and switched from the runny white centers to the thick, frosting-like filling, it got way harder to cook them scrambled.
Fri Mar 30 03:40:48 2012
I plugged in this lamp and my dog went rigid, spoke a sentence of perfect Akkadian, and then was hurled sideways through the picture window. Even worse, it's one of those lamps where the switch is on the cord.
Wed Apr 4 03:40:12 2012
Implausible, did you say? Sorry, couldn't quite hear you from all the way up heeeeeeeeere!
Fri Apr 6 03:40:10 2012
Bruce Schneier believes safewords are fundamentally insecure and recommends that you ask your partner to stop via public key signature.
Mon Apr 9 03:39:53 2012
James Cameron has said that he didn't know its song would be so beautiful. He didn't close the door in time. He's sorry.
Mon Apr 9 06:39:41 2012
James Cameron has said that he didn't know its song would be so beautiful. He didn't close the door in time. He's sorry.
Mon Apr 9 11:40:14 2012
James Cameron has said that he didn't know its song would be so beautiful. He didn't close the door in time. He's sorry.
Mon Apr 9 13:39:37 2012
James Cameron has said that he didn't know its song would be so beautiful. He didn't close the door in time. He's sorry.
Wed Apr 11 03:40:07 2012
Don't fire until you see through the fragile facade to the human being within.
Fri Apr 13 03:40:50 2012
I'll never forget you--at least, the parts of you that were important red flags.
Mon Apr 16 03:39:30 2012
Plus the reaction in the Tumblverse is always 'repeatedly get hit by a dog and fall down the stairs'.
Mon Apr 16 06:39:29 2012
Plus the reaction in the Tumblverse is always 'repeatedly get hit by a dog and fall down the stairs'.
Wed Apr 18 03:42:17 2012
Charlie actually delivered the Medicare line almost verbatim in the 1971 movie's Fizzy Lifting Drink scene, but it was ultimately cut from the final release.
Fri Apr 20 03:39:26 2012
[title-text similiarly alphabetized]
Mon Apr 23 03:39:34 2012
'YOUR CLOTHES. GIVE THEM TO ME.' 'Shit, uh ... you are now breathing manually!' 'I AM ALWAYS BREATHING MANUALLY.'
Wed Apr 25 03:39:23 2012
Two tips: 1) 8675309 is not just prime, it's a twin prime, and 2) if you ever find yourself raising log(anything)^e or taking the pi-th root of anything, set down the marker and back away from the whiteboard; something has gone horribly wrong.
Wed Apr 25 13:41:08 2012
Two tips: 1) 8675309 is not just prime, it's a twin prime, and 2) if you ever find yourself raising log(anything)^e or taking the pi-th root of anything, set down the marker and back away from the whiteboard; something has gone horribly wrong.
Thu Apr 26 06:40:12 2012
Two tips: 1) 8675309 is not just prime, it's a twin prime, and 2) if you ever find yourself raising log(anything)^e or taking the pi-th root of anything, set down the marker and back away from the whiteboard; something has gone horribly wrong.
Fri Apr 27 03:40:37 2012
Fortunately, the internet has a virtually inexhaustible supply of code that doesn't work and people who are wrong, which bodes well for a return to normalcy. [Note: Click to read context for the cancer comics. She's doing well.]
Mon Apr 30 03:39:21 2012
I had a hard time with Ayn Rand because I found myself enthusiastically agreeing with the first 90% of every sentence, but getting lost at 'therefore, be a huge asshole to everyone.'
Wed May 2 03:40:26 2012
The only things you HAVE to know are how to make enough of a living to stay alive and how to get your taxes done. All the fun parts of life are optional.
Fri May 4 03:40:31 2012
I hate when I read something like '... tension among the BASE jumpers nearly led to wingsuit combat ...', and I get excited because 'wingsuit combat' is underlined, only to find that it's just separate links to the 'wingsuit' and 'combat' articles.
Mon May 7 03:40:03 2012
Someday I'll be the first to get a Ph. D in 'Undeclared'.
Wed May 9 03:39:43 2012
Saying 'what kind of an idiot doesn't know about the Yellowstone supervolcano' is so much more boring than telling someone about the Yellowstone supervolcano for the first time.
Fri May 11 03:39:57 2012
Normally pronounced 'THEH-buh-kon', I assume.
Mon May 14 03:39:36 2012
If you pledge more than $50 you'll get on the VIP list and have first dibs on a slot on ANY of the pledge levels in the actual campaign.
Wed May 16 03:40:24 2012
'Smilodon fatalis' narrowly edged out 'Tyrannosaurus rex' to win this year's Most Badass Latin Names competition, after edging out 'Dracorex hogwartsia' and 'Stygimoloch spinifer' (meaning 'horned dragon from the river of death') in the semifinals.
Thu May 17 13:39:19 2012
'Smilodon fatalis' narrowly edged out 'Tyrannosaurus rex' to win this year's Most Badass Latin Names competition, after edging out 'Dracorex hogwartsia' and 'Stygimoloch spinifer' (meaning 'horned dragon from the river of death') in the semifinals.
Fri May 18 03:40:44 2012
Though please do confirm that it's actually *me* on Klout first, and not one of my friends trying to get me punched. The great thing about this douchebag deadman switch is that I will never dare trigger it.
Mon May 21 03:39:15 2012
You were on the internet before I was born? Well, so was I.
Wed May 23 03:40:31 2012
Aaron Sorkin has been tapped to write the TV movie about the aging prince's eventual election to Pat Toomey's Senate seat, currently titled either 'FRESHman Senator' or 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington'.
Fri May 25 03:39:36 2012
We don't sell products; we sell the marketplace. And by 'sell the marketplace' we mean 'play shooters, sometimes for upwards of 20 hours straight.'
Fri May 25 13:41:33 2012
We don't sell products; we sell the marketplace. And by 'sell the marketplace' we mean 'play shooters, sometimes for upwards of 20 hours straight.'
Mon May 28 03:39:57 2012
The month names are the same, except that the fourth month only has the name 'April' in even-numbered years, and is otherwise unnamed.
Wed May 30 03:40:06 2012
I will vote, no questions asked, for any candidate who describes themselves as \more of a deficit sugar glider.\""
Thu May 31 03:45:48 2012
I will vote, no questions asked, for any candidate who describes themselves as 'more of a deficit sugar glider.'
Fri Jun 1 03:40:22 2012
Revised directive: It is forbidden for you to interfere with human history until you've at least taken a class on it.
Mon Jun 4 03:41:12 2012
FYI: I'll be releasing a wolf into a randomly-chosen front yard sometime in the next 30 years. Now your fear is reasonable, and you don't need to feel embarrassed anymore. Problem solved!
Wed Jun 6 03:40:29 2012
I *do* hear that they're the most comfortable thing to wear on your feet since sliced bread.
Wed Jun 6 13:40:39 2012
I *do* hear that they're the most comfortable thing to wear on your feet since sliced bread.
Fri Jun 8 03:41:26 2012
During the second semester, the path is briefly routed through the dishwasher.
Mon Jun 11 03:40:39 2012
Everyone's caught by surprise when a theory of quantum gravity is developed by a sound technician wearing patent leather shoes while editing Clerks II.
Wed Jun 13 03:40:12 2012
Although the Markov chain-style text model is still rudimentary; it recently gave me "Massachusetts Institute of America". Although I have to admit it sounds prestigious.
Fri Jun 15 03:41:03 2012
Do I get to remove letters entirely? Or just rearrange them? Because the 'k/c' situation is ridiculous. Look, we can make out whenever. This is *immortality*!
Mon Jun 18 03:42:07 2012
If things are too quiet, try asking a couple of friends whether "a couple" should always mean "two". As with the question of how many spaces should go after a period, it can turn acrimonious surprisingly fast unless all three of them agree.
Wed Jun 20 03:40:37 2012
Planets are turning out to be so common that to show all the planets in our galaxy, this chart would have to be nested in itself--with each planet replaced by a copy of the chart--at least three levels deep.
Fri Jun 22 03:41:25 2012
Hey, man, the 1670s called. They were like 'Wherefore this demonic inſtrument? By what ſorcery does it produce ſuch ſounds?"
Fri Jun 22 13:41:00 2012
Hey, man, the 1670s called. They were like 'Wherefore this demonic inſtrument? By what ſorcery does it produce ſuch ſounds?"
Mon Jun 25 03:39:25 2012
Of the two Garfields, you wouldn't think the cat would turn out to be the more compelling presidential speechwriter, but there you go.
Wed Jun 27 03:40:28 2012
Ok, so Spirit and Opportunity are pretty awesome. And Kepler. And New Horizons, Cassini, Spirit and Opportunity, Curiosity, TiME, and Project M. But c'mon, if the Earth were a basketball, in 40 years no human's been more than half an inch from the surface.
Fri Jun 29 03:42:43 2012
Also possibly several miles beyond that.
Mon Jul 2 03:52:35 2012
If you closely examine the cosmic background radiation, you can pick up lingering echoes of 'I Got You Babe'.
Wed Jul 4 03:40:12 2012
Lifehacking!
Fri Jul 6 03:40:56 2012
1. Ne3 ... ↘↘↘ 2. Nc3 ... ↘↘↘ 0-1
Sat Jul 7 13:41:19 2012
1. Nf3 ... ↘↘↘ 2. Nc3 ... ↘↘↘ 0-1
Mon Jul 9 03:41:18 2012
That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.
Wed Jul 11 03:40:48 2012
I recently learned something that solved a mystery that had bugged me since childhood--why, when I looked at an analog clock, the hand would sometimes seem to take a couple seconds to start ticking. Google "stopped clock illusion".
Fri Jul 13 03:41:15 2012
Really, the comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the one claiming that anyone who's in power has any plan at all.
Mon Jul 16 03:40:28 2012
That's a gneiss butte.
Wed Jul 18 03:40:25 2012
I liked the idea, suggested by h00k on bash.org, of a Twitter bot that messages prominent politicians to tell them when they've unnecessarily used sms-speak abbreviations despite having plenty of characters left.
Fri Jul 20 03:41:42 2012
Protip: Annoy Ray Kurzweil by always referring to it as the 'Cybersingularity'.
Mon Jul 23 03:40:25 2012
If you read all vaguebooking/vaguetweeting with the assumption that they're saying everything they can without revealing classified military information, the internet gets way more exciting.
Wed Jul 25 03:39:56 2012
Ooh, another one. Uh ... the ability to alter any coefficients of friction at will during sporting events.
Wed Jul 25 13:40:38 2012
Ooh, another one. Uh ... the ability to alter any coefficients of friction at will during sporting events.
Fri Jul 27 03:40:18 2012
My all-time favorite example of syntactic ambiguity comes from Wikipedia: 'Charlotte's Web is a children's novel by American author E. B. White, about a pig named Wilbur who is saved from being slaughtered by an intelligent spider named Charlotte.'
Mon Jul 30 03:39:41 2012
'Well, no further questions. You're hired!' 'Oh, sorry! I'm no longer interested. There's a bunch of future I gotta go check out!'
Wed Aug 1 03:40:14 2012
Oh right, eye contact. Ok, good, holding the eye contact ... holding ... still holding ... ok, too long! Getting weird! Quick, look thoughtfully into space and nod. Oh, dammit, said 'yeah' again!
Fri Aug 3 03:40:28 2012
[audience looks around] 'What just happened?' 'There must be some context we're missing.'
Mon Aug 6 03:40:38 2012
As of this writing the NASA/JPL websites are still overloaded. Trying CURIOSITY-REAR-CAM_[256px_x_256px].torrent.SwEsUb.DVDRip.XviD-aXXo.jpg instead.
Wed Aug 8 03:40:32 2012
[shortly] ... he ate ALL of it!?
Fri Aug 10 03:39:44 2012
'Baby Got Back' turned 20 this year. My favorite nostalgia show is VH1's 'I Love The Inexorable March of Time Toward the Grave That Awaits Us All.'
Fri Aug 10 19:41:13 2012
'Baby Got Back' turned 20 this year. My favorite nostalgia show is VH1's 'I Love The Inexorable March of Time Toward the Grave That Awaits Us All.'
Mon Aug 13 03:40:21 2012
Hey, before you go, can you explain to me what job I now have?
Mon Aug 13 13:40:33 2012
Hey, before you go, can you explain to me what job I now have?
Wed Aug 15 03:40:25 2012
The new crowd is heavily shaped by this guy named Eric, who's basically the Paris Hilton of the amateur plastic crazy straw design world.
Wed Aug 15 13:40:30 2012
The new crowd is heavily shaped by this guy named Eric, who's basically the Paris Hilton of the amateur plastic crazy straw design world.
Fri Aug 17 03:39:40 2012
Blatantly banking on customers not understanding that it's like a Hollywood studio advertising that their new movie was 'watched by Roger Ebert'.
Mon Aug 20 03:39:41 2012
BUT WHAT IF I REASSURE MYSELF WITH A JOKE AND THEN DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE RASH AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE DEATH MITES AND I COULD HAVE CAUGHT IT
Wed Aug 22 03:39:16 2012
I got lost and wandered into the world's creepiest cemetery, where the headstones just had names and star ratings. Freaked me out. When I got home I tried to leave the cemetery a bad review on Yelp, but as my hand hovered over the 'one star' button I felt this distant chill ...
Fri Aug 24 03:39:33 2012
Try our bottomless drinks and fall forever!
Mon Aug 27 03:39:15 2012
So, um. Do you want to get a drink after the game?
Wed Aug 29 03:39:10 2012
factory --- spire --- onslaught --- extractor --- judge
Thu Aug 30 13:40:55 2012
factory --- spire --- onslaught --- extractor --- judge
Fri Aug 31 03:39:34 2012
I lead a small but extraordinarily persuasive religion whose only members are door-to-door proselytizers from other faiths.
Mon Sep 3 03:39:18 2012
FYI: If you get curious and start trying to calculate the time adjustment function that minimizes the gap between the most-used and least-used digit (for a representative sample of common cook times) without without altering any time by more than 10%, and someone asks you what you're doing, it's easier to just lie.
Wed Sep 5 03:40:24 2012
Click to see a video of a modern bird using stability flapping during predatory behavior. It all fits! Also, apparently Microraptor had *four* wings? The past keeps getting cooler! (And there's more of it every day!)
Fri Sep 7 03:40:59 2012
The next day: 'What? Six bank robberies!? But I just vandalized the library!' 'Nice try. They saw your plate with all the 1's and I's.' 'That's impossible! I've been with my car the whole ti-- ... wait. Ok, wow, that was clever of her.'
Mon Sep 10 03:40:07 2012
20 balloons float away while I'm busy permanently tying one to a tree to deal with it for good. Unfortunately, that one balloon was 'land a rocket on the moon in Kerbal Space Program.'
Wed Sep 12 03:39:50 2012
I would subscribe to a Twitter feed that supplied you with one reasonable sports opinion per day, like 'The Red Sox can't make the playoffs (championship games), but in last night's game their win seriously damaged the chances of the Yankees (longstanding rival team).'
Fri Sep 14 03:39:10 2012
But then the Ghost of Subjunctive Past showed up and told me to stay strong on 'if it were'.
Mon Sep 17 03:40:50 2012
I want this engraved on my tombstone like the Epitaph of Stevinus.
Wed Sep 19 03:39:43 2012
Click and drag.
Fri Sep 21 03:40:02 2012
'But what's the buzz about the film?' 'We're hoping it's distracting.'
Mon Sep 24 03:39:30 2012
I've developed a more logical set of rules but the people on the chess community have a bunch of stupid emotional biases and won't reply to my posts.
Wed Sep 26 03:39:22 2012
We can't let this happen again. We need to build a secure TWO-day-before-retirement safe room.
Fri Sep 28 03:39:35 2012
This exotic blade was wrought from a different fallen star. The meteorite was a carbonaceous chondrite, so it's basically a lump of gravel glued into the shape of a sword. A SPACE sword!
Mon Oct 1 03:39:16 2012
I dropped a bird and I didn't hear it hit bottom.
Wed Oct 3 03:40:04 2012
There's an intersection I drive through sometimes that has a forward green arrow, a red light, and a 'no turns' sign all on one pole. I honestly have no idea what it's telling me to do.
Fri Oct 5 03:39:08 2012
According to my mom, my first word was (looking up at the sky) 'Wow!'
Mon Oct 8 03:40:10 2012
Facebook, Apple, and Google all got away with their monopolist power grabs because they don't have any 'S's in their names for critics to snarkily replace with '$'s.
Wed Oct 10 03:39:26 2012
I've been sneaking out at night and installing lamps on the underside of every photovoltaic panel I can find. Sure, there are upwards of 80% losses, but I prefer to think of them as nearly 20% gains.
Fri Oct 12 03:39:18 2012
People into masturbatory navel-gazing have a lot to learn about masturbation.
Mon Oct 15 03:40:07 2012
Not sure why I just taught everyone to flawlessly impersonate me to pretty much anyone I know. Just remember to constantly bring up how cool it is that birds are dinosaurs and you'll be set.
Wed Oct 17 03:39:40 2012
No white guy who's been mentioned on Twitter has gone on to win.
Wed Oct 17 19:40:17 2012
No white guy who's been mentioned on Twitter has gone on to win.
Thu Oct 18 13:39:42 2012
No white guy who's been mentioned on Twitter has gone on to win.
Fri Oct 19 03:39:38 2012
Works for any grocery or non-grocery. Even thyme is just H and time.
Mon Oct 22 03:39:42 2012
'Drama' is just 'people being upset', when someone says they're always surrounded by drama and they just ignore it, it starts to make sense that their strategy might be backfiring.
Wed Oct 24 13:40:39 2012
Universes in mirror, like those in windshield, are larger than they appear.
Fri Oct 26 03:40:24 2012
The average error in the NHC forecasted position of a hurricane three days in the future has shrunk to a third of what it was in 1990--a staggering accomplishment. However, as you may have gathered, forecasts of future storm *strength* have proved more difficult to improve.
Mon Oct 29 06:39:37 2012
It'd be great if some news network started featuring partisan hack talking heads who were all Federalists and Jacksonians, just to see how long it took us to catch on.
Mon Oct 29 13:40:34 2012
It'd be great if some news network started featuring partisan hack talking heads who were all Federalists and Jacksonians, just to see how long it took us to catch on.
Wed Oct 31 03:39:34 2012
Wishbone and the Illustrated Classics series have gotten me through every conversation I've ever had about Dickens, Treasure Island, The Anarchist's Cookbook, and Our Bodies, Ourselves.
Fri Nov 2 03:39:57 2012
There's also a +1 sometimes, which is there to keep everyone on their toes. In the future, people who got to pick cool numbers by signing up for Google Voice early will be revered as wizards.
Mon Nov 5 02:39:21 2012
The choices we make Tuesday could have MASSIVE and PERMANENT effects on the charts on Nate Silver's blog!
Wed Nov 7 02:40:05 2012
As of this writing, the only thing that's 'razor-thin' or 'too close to call' is the gap between the consensus poll forecast and the result.
Fri Nov 9 02:39:17 2012
'Detector! What would the Bayesian statistician say if I asked him whether the--' [roll] 'I AM A NEUTRINO DETECTOR, NOT A LABYRINTH GUARD. SERIOUSLY, DID YOUR BRAIN FALL OUT?' [roll] '... yes.'
Mon Nov 12 02:39:14 2012
Another thing that is a bad problem is if you're flying toward space and the parts start to fall off your space car in the wrong order. If that happens, it means you won't go to space today, or maybe ever.
Mon Nov 12 12:39:25 2012
Another thing that is a bad problem is if you're flying toward space and the parts start to fall off your space car in the wrong order. If that happens, it means you won't go to space today, or maybe ever.
Wed Nov 14 02:39:14 2012
Or a cabbage, for that matter. The goat makes sense. Goats are fine.
Fri Nov 16 02:39:15 2012
SPIDER PSYCHOLOGY (21st Ed.) is a comprehensive overview of arachnoneurology, neuro-arachnology, forensic arachnology, neuro-arachnoneurology (the study of the brains of spider neurology experts), and arachnoarachnology (the study of too many spiders).
Mon Nov 19 02:39:16 2012
'I see you're in this mood again.' 'I am always in this mood.'
Wed Nov 21 02:39:23 2012
Collaborative editing can quickly become a textual rap battle fought with increasingly convoluted invocations of U+202a to U+202e.
Wed Nov 21 12:41:04 2012
Collaborative editing can quickly become a textual rap battle fought with increasingly convoluted invocations of U+202a to U+202e.
Fri Nov 23 02:39:34 2012
There are also a lot of global versions of this map showing traffic to English-language websites which are indistinguishable from maps of the location of internet users who are native English speakers.
Mon Nov 26 02:39:11 2012
I'm rubber. You're rubber. We contemplate the reality of our existence in mute, vulcanized horror.
Tue Nov 27 18:39:39 2012
I'm rubber. You're rubber. We contemplate the reality of our existence in mute, vulcanized horror.
Wed Nov 28 02:39:16 2012
In months other than September, the 11th is mentioned substantially less often than any other date. It's been that way since long before 9/11 and I have no idea why.
Fri Nov 30 02:39:24 2012
She won the first half of all our chemo Scrabble games, but then her IV drugs started kicking in and I *dominated*.
Mon Dec 3 02:40:23 2012
My resonant tunneling diode phone has limited range but a short enough wavelength to penetrate even the densest cages. This gives me a major combat advantage, hopefully.
Wed Dec 5 02:39:30 2012
Ingress: Foursquare With Space Noises.
Fri Dec 7 02:40:10 2012
<A>: Like </a>this.
Mon Dec 10 02:39:20 2012
Feynman recounted another good one upperclassmen would use on freshmen physics students: When you look at words in a mirror, how come they're reversed left to right but not top to bottom? What's special about the horizontal axis?
Wed Dec 12 02:39:20 2012
I didn't understand what you meant. I still don't. But I'll figure it out soon!
Fri Dec 14 02:39:33 2012
Biologists play reverse Pokémon, trying to avoid putting any one team member on the front lines long enough for the experience to cause evolution.
Mon Dec 17 02:39:26 2012
cerebrospinal fluid, pericardial fluid, sputum, aqueous humor, perilymph, chyme, hydatid fluid, interstitial fluid, rheum, and gin.
Wed Dec 19 02:39:30 2012
'Broom first, then slippers.' 'How do I know you'll return the broom once you've secured your ticket?' 'I'll leave my little dog as collateral.' 'Great. Pleasure doing business!'
Fri Dec 21 02:39:31 2012
I'm gonna call the cops and get Chad arrested for theft, then move all my stuff to the house across the street. Hopefully the owners there are more responsible.
Mon Dec 24 02:39:17 2012
In fact, one of the boxes is full of Staphylococcus. The wrapping paper is coated in E. coli, though, so it's an understandable mistake. You know, we should really stop accepting gifts from that guy.
Wed Dec 26 02:39:22 2012
The local police, growing increasingly concerned about this church, ask parishoners to take a sip of wine and then spit it back out for DNA testing. It's blood, and it matches a 1970s murder victim.
Fri Dec 28 02:39:14 2012
The prosecution calls Gottfried Leibniz.
Mon Dec 31 02:40:52 2012
If at first you don't succeed, that's one data point.
Wed Jan 2 02:40:10 2013
People get really grumpy when they realize you're giving them directions for how to go to the store and buy a GPS.
Fri Jan 4 02:39:45 2013
'Why are you standing in the yard wearing a papal hat and a robe covered in seeds?' 'Well, the Pope is visiting our town next month ...'
Sun Jan 6 05:41:25 2013
'Why are you standing in the yard wearing a papal hat and a robe covered in seeds?' 'Well, the Pope is visiting our town next month ...'
Mon Jan 7 02:39:11 2013
Wikipeida path: Virus -> Immune system -> Innate immune system -> Parasites -> List of parasites of humans -> Naegleria fowleri -> Primary amoebic meningoencephalitis -> Deciding I DEFINITELY shouldn't connect an aquarium pump to my sinuses
Wed Jan 9 02:39:47 2013
It IS about physics. It ALL is.
Wed Jan 9 12:40:22 2013
It IS about physics. It ALL is.
Fri Jan 11 02:39:17 2013
For all we know, the odds are in our favor.
Mon Jan 14 02:39:32 2013
If the flyers don't work, we'll switch to the LEAST subtle method of informing a town of the existence of a trebuchet club.
Wed Jan 16 02:39:17 2013
Hipster CDC Reports Flu Epidemic Peaked Years Ago
Fri Jan 18 02:40:01 2013
Knuth Paper-Stack Notation: Write down the number on pages. Stack them. If the stack is too tall to fit in the room, write down the number of pages it would take to write down the number. THAT number won't fit in the room? Repeat. When a stack fits, write the number of iterations on a card. Pin it to the stack.
Mon Jan 21 02:39:13 2013
It can take a site a while to figure out that there's a problem with their 'report a bug' form.
Wed Jan 23 02:39:23 2013
Starring Macaulay Culkin.
Fri Jan 25 02:39:24 2013
Amazon.com took a surprise early lead with 'Time required to transport a package from Iquitos, Peru to Manaus, Brazil' but then lost it at 'Minutes to skeletonize a cow'.
Mon Jan 28 02:39:35 2013
The misguided search for a perpetual motion machine has run substantially longer than any attempted perpetual motion machine.
Wed Jan 30 02:39:18 2013
Of course, factions immediately sprang up in favor of '~*~sTaR tReK iNtO dArKnEsS~*~', 'xX_StAr TrEk InTo DaRkNess_Xx', and 'Star Trek lnto Darkness' (that's a lowercase 'L').
Fri Feb 1 02:39:18 2013
I don't know what's worse--the fact that after 15 years of using tar I still can't keep the flags straight, or that after 15 years of technological advancement I'm still mucking with tar flags that were 15 years old when I started.
Mon Feb 4 02:39:19 2013
I'm pretty sure I've logged more hours in Google Maps over the past decade than in any game.
Wed Feb 6 02:39:22 2013
And it says a lot about you that when your friends jump off a bridge en masse, your first thought is apparently 'my friends are all foolish and I won't be like them' and not 'are my friends ok?'.
Fri Feb 8 02:40:26 2013
To generate #1 albums, 'jay --help' recommends the -z flag.
Mon Feb 11 02:39:29 2013
There are probably children out there holding down spacebar to stay warm in the winter! YOUR UPDATE MURDERS CHILDREN.
Wed Feb 13 02:39:39 2013
A human is a system for converting dust billions of years ago into dust billions of years from now via a roundabout process which involves checking email a lot.
Fri Feb 15 02:39:17 2013
If I click 'no', I've probably given up on everything, so don't bother taking me to the page I was trying to go to. Just drop me on the homepage. Thanks.
Mon Feb 18 02:39:15 2013
I think I could spend hours just stepping on and off of conveyor belts moving at various speeds.
Mon Feb 18 12:47:25 2013
I think I could spend hours just stepping on and off of conveyor belts moving at various speeds.
Wed Feb 20 02:39:19 2013
'Yeah, that squid's a total asshole.' [scoot scoot]
Wed Feb 20 05:39:20 2013
'Yeah, that squid's a total asshole.' [scoot scoot]
Fri Feb 22 02:39:21 2013
NO FATE BUT THE NARRATIVES WE IMPOSE ON LIFE'S RANDOM CHAOS TO DISTRACT OURSELVES FROM OUR EXISTENTIAL PLIGHT
Mon Feb 25 02:39:18 2013
It sounds like a great way to make friends! Is it near that Friend Zone you keep talking about? I wanna go!
Wed Feb 27 02:39:12 2013
ISO 8601 was published on 06/05/88 and most recently amended on 12/01/04.
Wed Feb 27 05:39:14 2013
ISO 8601 was published on 06/05/88 and most recently amended on 12/01/04.
Wed Feb 27 12:40:05 2013
ISO 8601 was published on 06/05/88 and most recently amended on 12/01/04.
Fri Mar 1 02:39:17 2013
Within five minutes of the Singularity appearing, somebody will suggest defragging it.
Mon Mar 4 02:39:25 2013
If you want to be extra safe, check that there's a big block of jumbled characters at the bottom.
Wed Mar 6 02:39:39 2013
::click:: Come back! You didn't see the one of Whistler's mother!
Fri Mar 8 02:40:25 2013
Joke's on you--the Roomba and I had a LOVELY evening.
Mon Mar 11 03:41:28 2013
Assume r' refers to the radius of Earth Prime, and r'' means radius in inches.
Wed Mar 13 13:41:58 2013
StackSort connects to StackOverflow, searches for 'sort a list', and downloads and runs code snippets until the list is sorted.
Fri Mar 15 03:39:26 2013
Did you know sociologists can't explain why people keep repeating that urban legend about bumblebees not being able to fly!?
Mon Mar 18 03:39:26 2013
I'm always disappointed when 'Anamorphic Widescreen' doesn't refer to a widescreen Animorphs movie.
Wed Mar 20 07:39:20 2013
I'm trying to build character but Eclipse is really confusing.
Thu Mar 21 23:42:50 2013
So far Voyager 1 has 'left the Solar System' by passing through the termination shock three times, the heliopause twice, and once each through the heliosheath, heliosphere, heliodrome, auroral discontinuity, Heaviside layer, trans-Neptunian panic zone, magnetogap, US Census Bureau Solar System statistical boundary, Kuiper gauntlet, Oort void, and crystal sphere holding the fixed stars.
Sun Mar 24 23:39:32 2013
Wait for it.
Mon Mar 25 17:39:43 2013
Wait for it.
Mon Mar 25 23:41:24 2013
Wait for it.
Tue Mar 26 01:41:16 2013
Wait for it.
Tue Mar 26 07:44:11 2013
Wait for it.
Tue Mar 26 10:41:38 2013
Wait for it.
Tue Mar 26 17:39:23 2013
Wait for it.
Tue Mar 26 23:41:04 2013
If history has taught us anything, we can use that information to destroy it.
Thu Mar 28 23:39:52 2013
I'm so bad at carrying a tune, those 'find a song by humming its melody' websites throw an HTTP 406 error as soon as I start to hum.
Mon Apr 1 07:39:18 2013
Tue Apr 2 23:41:13 2013
All we have are these stupid tantalizing zircons and the scars on the face of the Moon.
Fri Apr 5 01:40:02 2013
The way out is to use the marker you have to add a box that says 'get a marker' to the line between you and 'start', then add a 'no' line from the trap box to 'end'.
Fri Apr 5 10:39:15 2013
The way out is to use the marker you have to add a box that says 'get a marker' to the line between you and 'start', then add a 'no' line from the trap box to 'end'.
Mon Apr 8 01:39:20 2013
About one in three North American subway stops are in NYC.
Mon Apr 8 07:39:23 2013
About one in three North American subway stops are in NYC.
Mon Apr 8 10:39:47 2013
About one in three North American subway stops are in NYC.
Mon Apr 8 17:39:51 2013
About one in three North American subway stops are in NYC.
Tue Apr 9 23:39:39 2013
ALERT: Some pending mandatory software updates require version 21.1.2 of the Oracle/Sun Java(tm) JDK(tm) Update Manager Runtime Environment Meta-Updater, which is not available for your platform.
Thu Apr 11 23:39:16 2013
'It seems like it's still alive, Professor.' 'Yeah, a big one like this can keep running around for a few billion years after you remove the head."
Sun Apr 14 23:39:24 2013
All music is just performances of 4'33" in studios where another band happened to be playing at the time.
Tue Apr 16 23:39:24 2013
Before you say anything, no, I know not to leave my computer sitting out logged in to all my accounts. I have it set up so after a few minutes of inactivity it automatically switches to my brother's.
Thu Apr 18 23:39:21 2013
If you can manage to choose u and v such that u = v = x, then the answer is just (1/2)x^2, which is easy to remember. Oh, and add a '+C' or you'll get yelled at.
Sat Apr 20 10:09:29 2013
If you can manage to choose u and v such that u = v = x, then the answer is just (1/2)x^2, which is easy to remember. Oh, and add a '+C' or you'll get yelled at.
Sun Apr 21 23:40:49 2013
To get more knowledge
Tue Apr 23 23:41:09 2013
'All time machine systems nominal ... T-minus ten ... eleven ...'
Thu Apr 25 23:39:13 2013
2031: Google defends the swiveling roof-mounted scanning electron microscopes on its Street View cars, saying they 'don't reveal anything that couldn't be seen by any pedestrian scanning your house with an electron microscope.'
Fri Apr 26 17:39:38 2013
2031: Google defends the swiveling roof-mounted scanning electron microscopes on its Street View cars, saying they 'don't reveal anything that couldn't be seen by any pedestrian scanning your house with an electron microscope.'
Sun Apr 28 23:39:28 2013
Don't forget the time you spend finding the chart to look up what you save. And the time spent reading this reminder about the time spent. And the time trying to figure out if either of those actually make sense. Remember, every second counts toward your life total, including these right now.
Tue Apr 30 23:40:07 2013
Einstein was WRONG when he said that provisional patent #39561 represented a novel gravel-sorting technique and should be approved by the Patent Office.
Thu May 2 23:39:26 2013
It ships with a version of Google Now that alerts you when it's too late to leave for your appointments.
Sun May 5 23:39:49 2013
Every time you read this mouseover, toggle between interpreting nested footnotes as footnotes on footnotes and interpreting them as exponents (minus one, modulo 6, plus 1).
Tue May 7 23:39:18 2013
I don't see how; the C0 block is right there at the beginning.
Wed May 8 01:39:16 2013
I don't see how; the C0 block is right there at the beginning.
Fri May 10 01:39:17 2013
In retrospect, it's weird that as a kid I thought completely random outbursts made me seem interesting, given that from an information theory point of view, lexical white noise is just about the opposite of interesting by definition.
Sun May 12 23:39:37 2013
Sure, T. rex is closer in height to Stegosaurus than a sparrow. But that doesn't tell you much; 'Dinosaur Comics' author Ryan North is closer in height to certain dinosaurs than to the average human.
Mon May 13 17:40:56 2013
Sure, T. rex is closer in height to Stegosaurus than a sparrow. But that doesn't tell you much; 'Dinosaur Comics' author Ryan North is closer in height to certain dinosaurs than to the average human.
Tue May 14 23:39:23 2013
The strongest incentive we have to develop faster-than-light travel is that it would let us apologize in advance.
Thu May 16 23:39:40 2013
If you see two numbers but they're both the same and you have to squint to read them, you have synesthesia, colorblindness, diplopia, and myopia.
Sun May 19 23:41:11 2013
I'm not sure if you can get Epcot, but my friend just got LegoLand. He guessed California but it was the one in Denmark. Meanwhile, I'm rapidly becoming a connoisseur of unmarked dirt roads over flat, barren landscapes.
Tue May 21 23:39:27 2013
The great thing is, the sentence is really just a reminder to the listener to worry about whatever aspects of the technology they're already feeling alarmist about, which in their mind gives you credit for addressing their biggest anxieties.
Fri May 24 01:39:29 2013
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can make me think I deserved it.
Sun May 26 23:40:18 2013
Now, if it selectively kills cancer cells in a petri dish, you can be sure it's at least a great breakthrough for everyone suffering from petri dish cancer.
Mon May 27 10:39:50 2013
Now, if it selectively kills cancer cells in a petri dish, you can be sure it's at least a great breakthrough for everyone suffering from petri dish cancer.
Tue May 28 23:39:19 2013
If we get the doors open and plug up the dam on the Sirannon so the water rises a little, the pool will start draining into Moria. How do you think the Watcher would fare against a drenched Balrog?
Fri May 31 01:39:17 2013
If that fails, just multiply every number by a thousand. 'The 2nd St speed limit were set at 2,500 mph, it would likely have prevented 1,000 of the intersection's 3,000 serious accidents last month.'
Sun Jun 2 23:40:10 2013
You may point out that this very retreat into ironic detachment while still clearly participating in the thing in question is the very definition of contemporary hipsterdom. But on the other hand, wait, you're in an empty room. Who are you talking to?
Tue Jun 4 23:39:37 2013
[shouted, from the field] 'Aunt Beast hit a pop fly to second! Dive for it, Mrs Whatsit!'
Thu Jun 6 23:39:50 2013
Good thing we're too smart to spend all day being uselessly frustrated with ourselves. I mean, that'd be a hell of a waste, right?
Sun Jun 9 23:39:31 2013
I may be the kind of person who wastes a year implementing a Turing-complete computer in Dwarf Fortress, but that makes you the kind of person who wastes ten more getting that computer to run Minecraft.
Tue Jun 11 23:39:34 2013
'And hypnotize someone into thinking they've uploaded it and passed it around.' 'But then won't the uploader get suspicious that it pauses at 301+ for a while? Why don't we just forge the number entirel--' ::BLAM:: 'The Council of 299 is adjourned.'
Thu Jun 13 23:39:31 2013
Data adapted from 'The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum' by A.S. Dyke et. al., which was way better than the sequels 'The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum: The Meltdown' and 'The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum: Continental Drift'.
Sun Jun 16 23:39:21 2013
I run a business selling rural internet access. My infrastructure consists of a bunch of Verizon wifi hotspots that I sign up for and then cancel at the end of the 14-day return period.
Wed Jun 19 01:39:22 2013
'Unfortunately, the notion of marriage which prevails ... at the present time ... regards the institution as simply a convenient arrangement or formal contract ... This disregard of the sanctity of marriage marriage and contempt for its restrictions is one of the most alarming tendencies of the present age.' --John Harvey Kellogg, Ladies' guide in health and disease (1883)
Wed Jun 19 07:39:32 2013
'Unfortunately, the notion of marriage which prevails ... at the present time ... regards the institution as simply a convenient arrangement or formal contract ... This disregard of the sanctity of marriage and contempt for its restrictions is one of the most alarming tendencies of the present age.' --John Harvey Kellogg, Ladies' guide in health and disease (1883)
Fri Jun 21 07:39:22 2013
'I'm here to return what Prometheus stole.' would be a good thing to say if you were a fighter pilot in a Michael Bay movie where for some reason the world's militaries had to team up to defeat every god from human mythology, and you'd just broken through the perimeter and gotten a missile lock on Mount Olympus.
Mon Jun 24 01:39:22 2013
I'm entering my 24th year of spending eight hours a day firing the Duck Hunt gun at the flying toasters. I'm sure I'll hit one soon.
Wed Jun 26 01:39:22 2013
Protip: Any two-axis graph can be re-labeled 'coordinates of the ants crawling across my screen as a function of time'.
Fri Jun 28 01:39:17 2013
They have a telescope pointed RIGHT AT US!
Sun Jun 30 23:39:23 2013
I'm leaning toward fifteen. There are a lot of them.
Tue Jul 2 23:39:29 2013
It's commonly believed that Lorentz contraction makes objects appear flatter along the direction of travel. However, this ignores light travel times. In fact, a fast-moving butt would appear rotated toward the observer but not substantially distorted. Shakira was right.
Fri Jul 5 07:39:20 2013
Actual quote from The Demo: '... an advantage of being online is that it keeps track of who you are and what you’re doing all the time ...'
Mon Jul 8 07:39:39 2013
Well, we've really only settled the question of ghosts that emit or reflect visible light. Or move objects around. Or make any kind of sound. But that covers all the ones that appear in Ghostbusters, so I think we're good.
Wed Jul 10 07:39:36 2013
This is roughly equivalent to 'number of times I've picked up a seashell at the ocean' / 'number of times I've picked up a seashell', which in my case is pretty close to 1, and gets much closer if we're considering only times I didn't put it to my ear.
Wed Jul 10 10:43:20 2013
This is roughly equivalent to 'number of times I've picked up a seashell at the ocean' / 'number of times I've picked up a seashell', which in my case is pretty close to 1, and gets much closer if we're considering only times I didn't put it to my ear.
Thu Jul 11 23:39:38 2013
Remember, the installer is watching the camera for the checksum it generated, so you have to scan it using your own phone.
Sun Jul 14 23:39:29 2013
But the rules of writing are like magic spells. If you never acquire them, then not using them says nothing.
Wed Jul 17 01:39:34 2013
The social media reaction to this asteroid announcement has been sharply negative. Care to respond?
Fri Jul 19 07:39:24 2013
You can also just ignore any science assertion where 'quantum mechanics' is the most complicated phrase in it.
Sun Jul 21 23:39:39 2013
It beat out 'Clock radio alarm', 'B-flat at 194 decibels', 'That noise from Dumb & Dumber', and 'Recording of a sobbing voice begging you to answer'.
Mon Jul 22 01:39:26 2013
It beat out 'Clock radio alarm', 'B-flat at 194 decibels', 'That noise from Dumb & Dumber', and 'Recording of a sobbing voice begging you to answer'.
Wed Jul 24 07:39:29 2013
Far off to the right of the chart is the Helvetica Scenario.
Fri Jul 26 07:39:27 2013
It's going in A collection of satellites skewered with pins and mounted in display boxes. Not necessarily MY collection.
Sun Jul 28 23:39:25 2013
Ahem. We are STRICTLY an Orbiter shop.
Wed Jul 31 07:39:29 2013
Oh, definitely not; they don't have Amazon Prime.
Fri Aug 2 01:39:20 2013
Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. There is no road out of this oblivion; we must embrace it. We must join with the darkness. Ba'al the Annihilator offers us no happiness, no answers, naught but the cold embrace of the void. To imagine any other end is delusion. We must give in to the will of Ba'al, for he will one day consume us and our world alike. I therefore call on Congress to fully fund space exploration, and to join with Ba'al, the Eater of Souls. Thank you.
Mon Aug 5 01:39:18 2013
Better change the URL to 'https' before downloading.
Wed Aug 7 01:39:54 2013
This message brought to you by the Society of Astronomers Trapped on the Surface of a Sphere.
Thu Aug 8 23:39:18 2013
Remember, meteors always hit the tallest object around.
Fri Aug 9 07:39:33 2013
Remember, meteors always hit the tallest object around.
Mon Aug 12 07:40:24 2013
If you close an account while it's still friends with people, it contributes to database linkage accumulation slowdown, which is a major looming problem for web infrastructure and definitely not a thing I just made up.
Wed Aug 14 01:39:26 2013
'Why don't you just point it at their eye directly?' 'What is this, 2007?'
Fri Aug 16 01:39:33 2013
You may point out that strictly speaking, you can use that statement to prove that all risks are tiny--to which I reply HOLY SHIT WATCH OUT FOR THAT DOG!
Mon Aug 19 07:39:26 2013
If you have any ideas, I hear you can send them to iaupublic@iap.fr.
Wed Aug 21 07:39:27 2013
If you call my regular number, it just goes to my pager.
Thu Aug 22 23:39:31 2013
And thus was smallpox introduced into the previously Undying Lands.
Mon Aug 26 01:39:34 2013
To whoever typed 'why is arwen dying': GOOD. FUCKING. QUESTION.
Tue Aug 27 23:39:39 2013
It was finally destroyed with a nuclear weapon carrying the destructive energy of the Hiroshima bomb.
Thu Aug 29 23:39:28 2013
Fortunately, exactly zero other annoying internet behaviors have developed during this time.
Sun Sep 1 23:39:27 2013
In sixty million years aliens will know humans only by a fuzzy clip of a woman in an Axe commercial.
Tue Sep 3 23:39:28 2013
The dose is much lower when administered orally. We're still trying to get the paper into the needles for subcutaneous injection.
Thu Sep 5 23:39:40 2013
How do I work it? IT'S ALREADY WORKING!
Sun Sep 8 23:06:35 2013
I guess it's a saying from the Old Country.
Tue Sep 10 23:41:45 2013
'At least humans are better at quietly amusing ourselves, oblivious to our pending obsolescence' thought the human, as a nearby Dell Inspiron contentedly displayed the same bouncing geometric shape screensaver it had been running for years.
Wed Sep 11 07:40:03 2013
'At least humans are better at quietly amusing ourselves, oblivious to our pending obsolescence' thought the human, as a nearby Dell Inspiron contentedly displayed the same bouncing geometric shape screensaver it had been running for years.
Thu Sep 12 23:40:16 2013
Points to anyone who hacks the Flickr devs' computers to make their text editors do this when you click on anything.
Mon Sep 16 07:40:43 2013
But the rind is where all the vitamins are!
Tue Sep 17 23:40:25 2013
I found a counterexample to the claim that all things must someday die, but I don't know how to show it to anyone.
Thu Sep 19 23:40:14 2013
'Sorry, I left out my glass of water from last night.' OH GOD I APPARENTLY LIVE IN A GARBAGE PIT.
Sun Sep 22 23:43:15 2013
As best as I can tell, I was transported here from Earth Prime sometime in the late 1990s. Your universe is identical in every way, except for the lobster thing and the thing where some of you occasionally change your clocks for some reason.
Tue Sep 24 23:40:08 2013
I'm the Philosopher until someone hands me a burrito.
Thu Sep 26 23:40:12 2013
Functional programming combines the flexibility and power of abstract mathematics with the intuitive clarity of abstract mathematics.
Sun Sep 29 23:53:26 2013
And if clicking on any word pops up a site-search for articles about that word, I will close all windows in a panic and never come back.
Mon Sep 30 07:40:03 2013
And if clicking on any word pops up a site-search for articles about that word, I will close all windows in a panic and never come back.
Mon Sep 30 13:40:36 2013
And if clicking on any word pops up a site-search for articles about that word, I will close all windows in a panic and never come back.
Tue Oct 1 13:41:11 2013
And if clicking on any word pops up a site-search for articles about that word, I will close all windows in a panic and never come back.
Tue Oct 1 23:40:32 2013
'Look to my coming on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.' 'And look to the west to see our shadows!'
Thu Oct 3 23:39:35 2013
'Big Data' doesn't just mean increasing the font size.
Sun Oct 6 23:39:11 2013
Are you ok? Do you need help?
Tue Oct 8 23:40:56 2013
If replacing all the '3's doesn't fix your code, remove the 4s, too, with 'ceiling(pi) / floor(pi) * pi * r^floor(pi)'. Mmm, floor pie.
Thu Oct 10 23:42:09 2013
If the celestial sphere were mapped to the Earth's surface, astronomy would get a LOT easier; you'd just need a magnifying glass.
Fri Oct 11 07:39:11 2013
If the celestial sphere were mapped to the Earth's surface, astronomy would get a LOT easier; you'd just need a magnifying glass.
Sun Oct 13 23:39:18 2013
In a cavern deep below the Earth, Ayn Rand, Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, Ann Druyan, Paul Rudd, Alan Alda, and Duran Duran meet togther in the Secret Council of /(b[plurandy]+b ?){2}/i.
Tue Oct 15 23:39:09 2013
If you fund my Kickstarter ...
Thu Oct 17 13:39:16 2013
If you fund my Kickstarter ...
Thu Oct 17 23:39:24 2013
I asked a few friends whether they'd had this happen, then looked up the popularity of their initials/names over time. Based on those numbers, it looks like there must be at least 750,000 people in the US alone who think 'Sure, that's probably my email address' on a regular basis.
Sun Oct 20 23:39:17 2013
If you find and stop the video, but you've--against all odds--gotten curious about the trade summit, just leave the tab opened. It will mysteriously start playing again 30 minutes later!
Tue Oct 22 23:39:44 2013
The LEGO Group is already the world's largest tire manufacturer.
Thu Oct 24 23:39:12 2013
A few minutes later, the goat from behind door C drives away in the car.
Mon Oct 28 01:42:15 2013
1916: 'PHYSICIST DAD' TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO GRAVITY, AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HE FINDS. [PICS] [NSFW]
Tue Oct 29 23:39:32 2013
I'm always installing tons of weird experimental keyboards because it serves as a good reminder that nothing I was going to type was really worth the trouble.
Thu Oct 31 23:39:21 2013
'The monospaced-typewriter-font story is a COMPLETE FABRICATION! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE' 'It doesn't matter! Studies support single spaces!' 'Those results weren't statistically significant!' 'Fine, you win. I'm using double spaces right now!' 'Are not! We can all hear your stupid whitespace.'
Mon Nov 4 01:39:17 2013
It was bound to happen eventually. This data theft will enable almost limitless [xkcd.com/792]-style password reuse attacks in the coming weeks. There's only one group that comes out of this looking smart: Everyone who pirated Photoshop.
Wed Nov 6 01:39:36 2013
Prediction for Carlsen v. Anand: ... 25. Qb8+ Nxb8 26. Rd8# f6 27. "... dude." Qf5 28. "The game is over, dude." Qxg5 29. Rxe8 0-1 30. "Dude, your move can't be '0-1'. Don't write that down." [Black flips board]
Wed Nov 6 07:40:55 2013
Prediction for Carlsen v. Anand: ... 25. Qb8+ Nxb8 26. Rd8# f6 27. "... dude." Qf5 28. "The game is over, dude." Qxg5 29. Rxe8 0-1 30. "Dude, your move can't be '0-1'. Don't write that down." [Black flips board]
Fri Nov 8 07:39:29 2013
INSIDE ELON MUSK'S NEW ATOMIC CAT
Sun Nov 10 23:39:22 2013
'Will [ ] allow us to better understand each other and thus make war undesirable?' is one that pops up whenever we invent a new communication medium.
Tue Nov 12 23:39:26 2013
You absolute-fucking-... shit.
Thu Nov 14 23:39:29 2013
Shoot for the Moon. If you miss, you'll end up co-orbiting the Sun alongside Earth, living out your days alone in the void within sight of the lush, welcoming home you left behind.
Sun Nov 17 23:39:33 2013
Conveniently approximated as e+2, Pau is commonly known as the Devil's Ratio (because in the octal expansion, '666' appears four times in the first 200 digits while no other run of 3+ digits appears more than once.)
Tue Nov 19 23:39:29 2013
When you talk about the job experience you'll give me, why do you pronounce 'job' with a long 'o'?
Thu Nov 21 23:39:29 2013
The Thirty Meter Telescope will be renamed The Flesh-Searing Eye on the Volcano.
Sun Nov 24 23:39:26 2013
When the results are published, no one will be sure whether to report on them again.
Tue Nov 26 23:39:18 2013
Merge branch 'asdfasjkfdlas/alkdjf' into sdkjfls-final
Wed Nov 27 07:39:24 2013
Merge branch 'asdfasjkfdlas/alkdjf' into sdkjfls-final
Thu Nov 28 23:39:45 2013
... I wanna try. Hang on, be right back.
Mon Dec 2 07:39:43 2013
http://xkcd.com/1298/large/
Tue Dec 3 23:39:36 2013
Theory: Smugness is proportional to the negative second derivative of TV ownership rate with respect to time.
Thu Dec 5 23:40:00 2013
I'm SO glad I escaped. They almost had me caught in their weird ... thing.
Fri Dec 6 13:39:28 2013
I'm SO glad I escaped. They almost had me caught in their weird ... thing.
Sun Dec 8 23:39:41 2013
I have never been lied to by data in a .txt file which has been hand-aligned.
Tue Dec 10 23:39:26 2013
All in all, I give this year a C-. There were no aurora visible from my house and that comet evaporated. They'd better not cancel the 2017 eclipse.
Thu Dec 12 23:39:31 2013
It's ok, they'll always let you opt out! Like they did with the YouTube real name profile thing.
Sun Dec 15 23:39:46 2013
Plus, when someone finally grabs your glasses and stomps on them, it costs way less than $1,500 to replace them.
Tue Dec 17 23:39:27 2013
And it doesn't pop up a box every time asking you to use your real name. In fact, there's no way to set your name at all. You just have to keep reminding people who you are.
Fri Dec 20 07:39:38 2013
The cycle seems to be 'we need these symbols to clarify what types of things we're referring to!' followed by 'wait, it turns out words already do that.'
Sun Dec 22 23:39:30 2013
The 6 Weirdest Objects The Buzzfeed Writers Are Throwing Out Their Windows At Us
Tue Dec 24 23:40:55 2013
Merry Christmas from xkcd!
Thu Dec 26 23:39:51 2013
Maybe we should give up on the whole idea of a 'back' button. 'Show me that thing I was looking at a moment ago' might just be too complicated an idea for the modern web.
Sun Dec 29 23:40:26 2013
The weak twin primes conjecture states that there are infinitely many pairs of primes. The strong twin primes conjecture states that every prime p has a twin prime (p+2), although (p+2) may not look prime at first. The tautological prime conjecture states that the tautological prime conjecture is true.
Tue Dec 31 23:39:31 2013
Some future reader, who may see the term, without knowing the history of it, may imagine that it had reference to some antiquated bridge of the immortal Poet, thrown across the silver Avon, to facilitate his escape after some marauding excursion in a neighbouring park; and in some Gentleman's Magazine of the next century, it is not impossible, but that future antiquaries may occupy page after page in discussing so interesting a matter. We think it right, therefore, to put it on record in the Oriental Herald that the 'Shakesperian Rope Bridges' are of much less classic origin; that Mr Colin Shakespear, who, besides his dignity as Postmaster, now signs himself 'Superintendent General of Shakesperian Rope Bridges', is a person of much less genius than the Bard of Avon. --The Oriental Herald, 1825
Wed Jan 1 01:39:31 2014
Some future reader, who may see the term, without knowing the history of it, may imagine that it had reference to some antiquated bridge of the immortal Poet, thrown across the silver Avon, to facilitate his escape after some marauding excursion in a neighbouring park; and in some Gentleman's Magazine of the next century, it is not impossible, but that future antiquaries may occupy page after page in discussing so interesting a matter. We think it right, therefore, to put it on record in the Oriental Herald that the 'Shakesperian Rope Bridges' are of much less classic origin; that Mr Colin Shakespear, who, besides his dignity as Postmaster, now signs himself 'Superintendent General of Shakesperian Rope Bridges', is a person of much less genius than the Bard of Avon. --The Oriental Herald, 1825
Wed Jan 1 13:39:18 2014
Some future reader, who may see the term, without knowing the history of it, may imagine that it had reference to some antiquated bridge of the immortal Poet, thrown across the silver Avon, to facilitate his escape after some marauding excursion in a neighbouring park; and in some Gentleman's Magazine of the next century, it is not impossible, but that future antiquaries may occupy page after page in discussing so interesting a matter. We think it right, therefore, to put it on record in the Oriental Herald that the 'Shakesperian Rope Bridges' are of much less classic origin; that Mr Colin Shakespear, who, besides his dignity as Postmaster, now signs himself 'Superintendent General of Shakesperian Rope Bridges', is a person of much less genius than the Bard of Avon. --The Oriental Herald, 1825
Thu Jan 2 23:40:03 2014
The problem with Haskell is that it's a language built on lazy evaluation and nobody's actually called for it.
Sun Jan 5 23:39:25 2014
/bu|[rn]t|[coy]e|[mtg]a|j|iso|n[hl]|[ae]d|lev|sh|[lnd]i|[po]o|ls/ matches the last names of elected US presidents but not their opponents.
Tue Jan 7 23:42:43 2014
I hate when people take photos of their meal instead of eating it, because there's nothing I love more than the sound of other people chewing.
Fri Jan 10 01:39:56 2014
What sins could possibly darken the heart of a STEAMBOAT? I asked The Shadow, but he says he only covers men.
Sun Jan 12 23:40:32 2014
'It has a ghost in it. Take it back.' 'No.'
Tue Jan 14 23:39:32 2014
Is he ALSO wondering at what point our thoughts diverged, if they even have yet? 'dude, I think he just took your credit card' AM I THE ORIGINAL? HOW DO I TELL?
Thu Jan 16 23:39:19 2014
Protip: You can win every exchange just by being one level more precise than whoever talked last. Eventually, you'll defeat all conversational opponents and stand alone.
Mon Jan 20 01:40:54 2014
'Automating' comes from the roots 'auto-' meaning 'self-', and 'mating', meaning 'screwing'.
Tue Jan 21 23:39:44 2014
What I really want is to hang out where I hung out with my friends in college, but have all my older relatives there too.
Fri Jan 24 07:39:39 2014
'You see the same pattern all over. Take Detroit--' 'Hold on. Why do you know all these statistics offhand?' 'Oh, um, no idea. I definitely spend my evenings hanging out with friends, and not curating a REALLY NEAT database of temperature statistics. Because, pshh, who would want to do that, right? Also, snowfall records.'
Sat Jan 25 13:39:31 2014
'You see the same pattern all over. Take Detroit--' 'Hold on. Why do you know all these statistics offhand?' 'Oh, um, no idea. I definitely spend my evenings hanging out with friends, and not curating a REALLY NEAT database of temperature statistics. Because, pshh, who would want to do that, right? Also, snowfall records.'
Sun Jan 26 23:39:38 2014
Stay warm, little flappers, and find lots of plant eggs!
Tue Jan 28 23:39:32 2014
Changing the names would be easier, but if you're not comfortable lying, try only making friends with people named Alice, Bob, Carol, etc.
Thu Jan 30 23:39:39 2014
At least if you're really into, like, Turkish archaeology, store clerks aren't like 'hey, how 'bout those Derinkuyu underground cities!' when they're trying to be polite.
Sun Feb 2 23:39:44 2014
Perhaps you need a crash course in taking hints. Here's your first lesson: We're not actually walking somewhere together; I'm trying to leave this conversation and you're following me.
Tue Feb 4 23:40:56 2014
'Now, minions, I'm off to inspect our shark cages.' 'Do you really need to inspect them this often?' 'PRISONERS MUST NEVER ESCAPE.'
Thu Feb 6 23:41:00 2014
We're firing you, but the online headline-writing division wants to hire you.
Sun Feb 9 23:41:19 2014
I have a bunch of things open right now.
Wed Feb 12 07:39:49 2014
At first I was making fun of them, but joke's on me--the deer is surprisingly ergonomic, except for the kicks.
Thu Feb 13 23:39:43 2014
Tonight's top story: Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, died in his home this morning at the age of [unintelligible rune]. Due to the large number of sharks inhabiting his former kingdom, no body could be recovered.
Mon Feb 17 01:39:55 2014
This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.
Tue Feb 18 23:39:46 2014
Sure, taking a few seconds to be respectful toward someone about something they care about doesn't sound hard. But if you talk to hundreds of people every day and they all start expecting that same consideration, it could potentially add up to MINUTES wasted. And for WHAT?
Thu Feb 20 23:39:40 2014
I sympathize with the TPP protagonist because I, too, have progressed through a surprising number of stages of life despite spending entire days stuck against simple obstacles.
Sun Feb 23 23:40:00 2014
Let me just scroll down and check behind that rock. Annnnd ... nope, page copyright year starts with '19'. Oh God, is this a WEBRING?
Tue Feb 25 23:39:15 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Wed Feb 26 01:39:27 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Wed Feb 26 07:40:10 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Wed Feb 26 13:40:09 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Wed Feb 26 16:39:41 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Wed Feb 26 19:39:25 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Wed Feb 26 21:41:05 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Wed Feb 26 23:39:34 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Thu Feb 27 01:39:20 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Thu Feb 27 07:39:26 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Thu Feb 27 13:39:29 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Thu Feb 27 16:39:29 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Thu Feb 27 19:39:37 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Thu Feb 27 21:39:35 2014
This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now
Thu Feb 27 23:42:05 2014
A helicopter bursts from a chrysalis and alights on a rock, rotors still damp.
Mon Mar 3 07:41:15 2014
HACK THE STARS
Tue Mar 4 23:39:25 2014
Bacteria still outweigh us thousands to one--and that's not even counting the several pounds of them in your body.
Thu Mar 6 23:39:28 2014
You know what happens when you assert--you make an ass out of the emergency response team.
Sun Mar 9 23:41:02 2014
If our current civilization lasts another 8,000 years, it's probably fair to assume the Long Now Foundation got things right, and at some point we started listening to them and switched to five-digit years.
Wed Mar 12 07:41:40 2014
m-x machineofdeath-mode
Fri Mar 14 07:40:33 2014
'The light from those millions of stars you see is probably many thousands of years old' is a rare example of laypeople substantially OVERestimating astronomical numbers.
Mon Mar 17 07:42:37 2014
The most ridiculous offender of all is the sudoers man page, which for 15 years has started with a 'quick guide' to EBNF, a system for defining the grammar of a language. 'Don't despair', it says, 'the definitions below are annotated.'
Wed Mar 19 07:39:53 2014
It's taken me 20 years to get over skyline tetris.
Fri Mar 21 07:39:56 2014
Stanford sleep researcher William Dement said that after 50 years of studying sleep, the only really solid explanation he knows for why we do it is 'because we get sleepy'.
Mon Mar 24 01:39:32 2014
They'd convince me to come out of retirement for one last job: biting into a giant lump of slightly soft wax a couple of times.
Tue Mar 25 23:39:28 2014
If data fails the Teacher's t test, you can just force it to take the test again until it passes.
Thu Mar 27 23:39:29 2014
We watched DAYTIME TV. Do you realize how soul-crushing it was? I'd rather eat an iPad than go back to watching daytime TV.
Sun Mar 30 23:39:25 2014
(six hours later) ARGH. How are these stupid microchips so durable?! All I want is to undo a massive industrial process with household tools!
Thu Apr 3 23:39:28 2014
If I developed a hue-shifting metamaterial, I would photobomb people's Instagram pics with a sheet of material that precisely undid the filter they were using.
Mon Apr 7 01:40:58 2014
No matter how fast I swing, I can never travel outside this loop! Maybe space outside it doesn't exist! But I bet it does. This tire came from somewhere.
Wed Apr 9 01:39:24 2014
I looked at some of the data dumps from vulnerable sites, and it was ... bad. I saw emails, passwords, password hints. SSL keys and session cookies. Important servers brimming with visitor IPs. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, c-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. I should probably patch OpenSSL.
Fri Apr 11 01:39:35 2014
Are you still there, server? It's me, Margaret.
Fri Apr 11 13:41:11 2014
Are you still there, server? It's me, Margaret.
Mon Apr 14 07:40:54 2014
PHARAOH IRY-HOR, FROM THE 3100s BC, IS THE FIRST HUMAN WHOSE NAME WE KNOW.
Tue Apr 15 23:39:26 2014
To be fair, my job at NASA was working on robots and didn't actually involve any orbital mechanics. The small positive slope over that period is because it turns out that if you hang around at NASA, you get in a lot of conversations about space.
Thu Apr 17 23:41:09 2014
I can't remember where I heard this, but someone once said that defending a position by citing free speech is sort of the ultimate concession; you're saying that the most compelling thing you can say for your position is that it's not literally illegal to express.
Mon Apr 21 01:40:11 2014
'DISPATCHING DRONE TO TARGET COORDINATES.' 'Wait, crap, wrong button. Oh jeez.'
Wed Apr 23 01:39:29 2014
Who's calling me?? WHY IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD CALLING ME!?
Thu Apr 24 23:39:35 2014
Wow, ANIMORPHS-NOVEL.RTF? Just gonna, uh, go through and delete that from all my archives real quick.
Sun Apr 27 23:44:18 2014
The less popular 8.8.4.4 is slated for discontinuation.
Wed Apr 30 01:39:48 2014
Oh, because Facebook has worked out SO WELL for everyone.
Thu May 1 23:39:31 2014
Presented in partnership with Qualcomm, Craigslist, Whirlpool, Hostess, LifeStyles, and the US Chamber of Commerce. Manufactured on equipment which also processes peanuts. Price includes 2-year Knicks contract. Phone may extinguish nearby birthday candles. If phone ships with Siri, return immediately; do not speak to her and ignore any instructions she gives. Do not remove lead casing. Phone may attract/trap insects; this is normal. Volume adjustable (requires root). If you experience sudden tingling, nausea, or vomiting, perform a factory reset immediately. Do not submerge in water; phone will drown. Exterior may be frictionless. Prolonged use can cause mood swings, short-term memory loss, and seizures. Avert eyes while replacing battery. Under certain circumstances, wireless transmitter may control God.
Mon May 5 01:39:25 2014
'Am I taking care of you? I have a thesis to write!' 'My parents are at their house; you visited last--' 'No, no, explain like you're five.'
Tue May 6 23:39:56 2014
Wait till they notice the faint reflection of Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny in the E-mode.
Wed May 7 07:39:40 2014
Wait till they notice the faint reflection of Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny in the E-mode.
Fri May 9 07:39:16 2014
Trains rotate the Earth around various axes while elevators shift its position in space.
Mon May 12 01:39:18 2014
But still, my scheme for creating and saving user config files and data locally to preserve them across reinstalls might be useful for--wait, that's cookies.
Wed May 14 13:39:38 2014
'The world's greatest [whatever]' is subjective, but 'One of the world's greatest [whatever]s' is clearly objective. Anyway, that's why I got you this 'one of the world's greatest moms' mug!
Fri May 16 01:39:18 2014
'TMI' he whispered, gazing into the sea.
Mon May 19 07:39:29 2014
Anyone who thinks we're all going to spend the 2032 elections poring over rambling blog posts by teenagers has never tried to read a rambling blog post by a teenager.
Wed May 21 01:40:26 2014
Recently, some exoplanet astronomers have managed to use careful analysis of reflected light to discover Earth during the day.
Fri May 23 07:40:53 2014
This is even better than my previous smartphone casemod: an old Western Electric Model 2500 desk phone handset complete with a frayed, torn-off cord dangling from it.
Mon May 26 07:39:27 2014
I'M PLUGGING IN MY PHONE BUT THE BATTERY ON THE SCREEN ISN'T CHARGING
Wed May 28 07:44:03 2014
Can this PLEASE be drawing with replacement?
Thu May 29 23:40:16 2014
That night, retired USAF pilots covertly replaced the '62' with '50'.
Sun Jun 1 23:39:18 2014
I hope I'm at least following the curve of the Earth around to land ...
Wed Jun 4 01:39:20 2014
[Astronomer peers into telescope] [Jaws theme begins playing]
Thu Jun 5 23:40:33 2014
Ok, plan B: Fly a kite into the blades, with a rock in a sling dangling below it, and create the world's largest trebuchet.
Sun Jun 8 23:42:17 2014
The good news is that according to the latest IPCC report, if we enact aggressive emissions limits now, we could hold the warming to 2°C. That's only HALF an ice age unit, which is probably no big deal.
Wed Jun 11 01:39:24 2014
We will have an entire wing of the library devoted to copies of book #26, because ohmygod it's the one where Jake and Cassie finally KISS!!!
Fri Jun 13 00:33:58 2014
PROTIP: You can get around the Shannon-Hartley limit by setting your font size to 0.
Mon Jun 16 00:09:12 2014
Every year: 'It's <year>--I want my jetpack [and also my free medical care covering all my jetpack-related injuries]!'
Tue Jun 17 23:40:30 2014
'And then whisper 'anapest' in my ear as you hold me?'
Fri Jun 20 07:39:18 2014
Their Sun and gravity will make you, uh, something, I guess. Out of earshot from Earth, mostly.
Sun Jun 22 23:39:15 2014
::PLOOOOSH:: Looks like you won't be making it to Vinland today, Leaf Erikson.
Tue Jun 24 23:39:08 2014
To everyone who responds to everything by saying they've 'lost their faith in humanity': Thanks--I'll let humanity know. I'm sure they'll be crushed.
Fri Jun 27 07:39:21 2014
'... hosts were unexpectedly fired from ABC's 'The View' today. ABC will likely announce new ...'
Sun Jun 29 23:40:54 2014
'Dude, why can't you just be a normal roommate?' 'Because I'm coming TOWARD you!'
Tue Jul 1 23:39:24 2014
This isn't an informational illustration; this is a thing I think we should do. First, we'll need a gigantic spool of thread. Next, we'll need some kind of ... hmm, time to head to Seattle.
Thu Jul 3 23:39:15 2014
I mean, it's not like we could just demand to see the code that's governing our lives. What right do we have to poke around in Facebook's private affairs like that?
Fri Jul 4 07:39:17 2014
I mean, it's not like we could just demand to see the code that's governing our lives. What right do we have to poke around in Facebook's private affairs like that?
Sun Jul 6 23:39:23 2014
This was actually wish #406. Wish #2 was for him to lose the ability to remember that each new wish wasn't my first.
Wed Jul 9 01:39:30 2014
When Vera Menchik entered a 1929 tournament, a male competitor mocked her by suggesting that a special 'Vera Menchik Club' would be created for any player who lost to her. When the tournament began, he promptly became the first member of said club, and over the years it accumulated a large and illustrious roster.
Wed Jul 9 13:39:21 2014
When Vera Menchik entered a 1929 tournament, a male competitor mocked her by suggesting that a special 'Vera Menchik Club' would be created for any player who lost to her. When the tournament began, he promptly became the first member of said club, and over the years it accumulated a large and illustrious roster.
Thu Jul 10 23:39:26 2014
'Hello, Ghostbusters?' 'ooOOoooo people born years after that movie came out are having a second chiiiild right now ooOoooOoo'
Sun Jul 13 23:39:16 2014
See also: Spider-Man reboot in which he can produce several inches of web, doesn't need as much chalk powder on his hands when he goes rock climbing, and occasionally feels vaguely uneasy about situations.
Tue Jul 15 23:39:35 2014
In this situation, gzip /dev/inside to deflate, then pipe the compressed air to /dev/input to clean your keyboard. Avert your eyes when you do.
Thu Jul 17 23:39:20 2014
Once again topping the list of tonight's hottest rising stars in Hollywood is ξ Persei!
Sun Jul 20 23:39:24 2014
Don't turn it on.
Wed Jul 23 01:39:36 2014
Biologically speaking, what we call a 'snake' is actually a human digestive tract which has escaped from its host.
Thu Jul 24 23:39:31 2014
Although the oral exam for the doctorate was just 'can you do that weird laugh?'
Sun Jul 27 23:39:43 2014
'Why on Earth would someone commit air piracy just to finance a terrible movie decades later?' 'People are very strange these days.'
Tue Jul 29 23:39:28 2014
The nice thing about headcannnons is that it's really easy to get other people to believe in them.
Fri Aug 1 07:39:32 2014
To motivate it to fire its harpoons hard enough, Rosetta's Philae lander has been programmed to believe it is trying to kill the comet.
Sun Aug 3 23:39:35 2014
MY RESULTS ARE A SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT ON THE STATE OF THE AAAAAAAAAAAART
Tue Aug 5 23:41:12 2014
I don't understand the things you do, and you therefore may represent an interaction with the quantum vacuum virtual plasma.
Thu Aug 7 23:39:14 2014
No, only LAVA is called 'magma' while underground. Any other object underground is called 'lava'.
Sun Aug 10 23:39:19 2014
Comes with a 50-lb sack of gender changers, and also an add-on device with a voltage selector and a zillion circular center pin DC adapter tips so you can power any of those devices from the 90s.
Tue Aug 12 23:39:19 2014
'Finding a 105-year-old who's lived in each location and asking them which hurricane they think was the worst' is left as an exercise for the reader.
Thu Aug 14 23:39:17 2014
You ARE getting older, though.
Sun Aug 17 23:39:08 2014
SELECT * FROM GHOSTS
Tue Aug 19 23:39:15 2014
58% of the state has gone into plaid.
Thu Aug 21 23:39:22 2014
Ugh, today's kids are forgetting the old-fashioned art of absentmindedly reading the same half-page of a book over and over and then letting your attention wander and picking up another book.
Sun Aug 24 23:39:30 2014
My upcoming alubm, 'Linked List', has covers of 'The Purple People Eater', the Ninja Turtles theme, 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini', and the Power Rangers theme, with every song played to the tune of the next.
Wed Aug 27 07:39:24 2014
Are Your Teens Practicing Amplexus? Learn These Six Telltale Signs!
Fri Aug 29 01:39:18 2014
I'd like to find a corpus of writing writing from children in a non-self-selected sample (e.g. handwritten letters to the president from everyone in the same teacher's 7th grade class every year)--and score the kids today versus the kids 20 years ago on various objective measures of writing quality. I've heard the idea that exposure to all this amateur peer practice is hurting us, but I'd bet on the generation that conducts the bulk of their social lives via the written word over the generation that occasionally wrote book reports and letters to grandma once a year, any day.
Fri Aug 29 13:39:18 2014
I'd like to find a corpus of writing from children in a non-self-selected sample (e.g. handwritten letters to the president from everyone in the same teacher's 7th grade class every year)--and score the kids today versus the kids 20 years ago on various objective measures of writing quality. I've heard the idea that exposure to all this amateur peer practice is hurting us, but I'd bet on the generation that conducts the bulk of their social lives via the written word over the generation that occasionally wrote book reports and letters to grandma once a year, any day.
Sun Aug 31 23:39:13 2014
Time to dance in front of Mary Jane! If I'm lucky, she'll turn out not to practice pre-copulatory sexual cannibalism!
Wed Sep 3 01:39:14 2014
It's turtles all the way down.
Thu Sep 4 23:39:17 2014
The days of the week are Monday, Arctic, Wellsley, Green, Electra, Synergize, and the Seventh Seal.
Fri Sep 5 01:39:21 2014
The days of the week are Monday, Arctic, Wellsley, Green, Electra, Synergize, and the Seventh Seal.
Mon Sep 8 07:39:48 2014
Officer suspended from horse.
Wed Sep 10 07:39:46 2014
'No idea what I was thinking! Haha! But anyway, maybe we should check out what this Ba'al guy has to say.'
Fri Sep 12 07:39:15 2014
Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they've switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don't appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word 'thinkpiece' sounds like a word made up by someone who didn't know about the word 'brain'.
Mon Sep 15 07:40:40 2014
Maybe I haven't been to Iceland because I'm busy dealing with YOUR crummy code.
Tue Sep 16 23:39:14 2014
When it explodes, it will cast off its outer layers, leaving behind nothing but a slowly fading PalmPilot, calculator, or two-way pager.
Thu Sep 18 23:39:21 2014
Later, at home: 'Dear diary: Still can't figure out what to write here ...'
Sun Sep 21 23:39:22 2014
'Touch!' 'Nope, I sighed and stared at you with resignation, so I regained emotional right-of-way.'
Wed Sep 24 01:39:23 2014
In the 60s, Marvin Minsky assigned a couple of undergrads to spend the summer programming a computer to use a camera to identify objects in a scene. He figured they'd have the problem solved by the end of the summer. Half a century later, we're still working on it.
Thu Sep 25 23:39:16 2014
I tried oxidizing them, but your bank uses some really weird paper and it wouldn't light.
Fri Sep 26 23:42:11 2014
I tried oxidizing them, but your bank uses some really weird paper and it wouldn't light.
Mon Sep 29 01:39:29 2014
More actual results: 'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You [are the best. The best thing ever]', 'Revenge is a dish best served [by a group of people in my room]', and 'They may take our lives, but they'll never take our [money].'
Tue Sep 30 23:39:20 2014
I was almost fired from a job driving the hearse in funeral processions, but then the funeral home realized how much business I was creating for them.
Thu Oct 2 23:39:16 2014
If you want to have more fun at the expense of language pedants, try developing an hypercorrection habit.
Sun Oct 5 23:39:21 2014
Check it out--when I tug the C-terminal tail, the binding tunnel squeezes!
Tue Oct 7 23:39:18 2014
People often say that same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 60s. But in terms of public opinion, same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 90s, when it had already been legal nationwide for 30 years.
Thu Oct 9 23:40:45 2014
'It's not actually ... it's a DEVICE for EXPLORING a PLAUSIBLE REALITY that's not the one we're in, to gain a broader understanding about it.' 'oh, like a boat!' '...' 'Just for the sake of argument, we should get a boat! You can invite the Devil, too, if you want.'
Sun Oct 12 23:39:20 2014
A long time in the future, in a galaxy far, far, away, astronomers in the year 2008 sight an unusual gamma-ray burst originating from somewhere far across the universe.
Tue Oct 14 23:39:26 2014
Water/ice has a lot of weird phases. Maybe asking 'where do birds go when it rains' is like asking 'where does Clark Kent go whenever Superman shows up?'
Thu Oct 16 23:39:20 2014
When putting his kids to bed, after saying 'Goodnight', Obama has to stop himself from saying 'God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.'
Mon Oct 20 07:39:18 2014
Ok, but make sure to get lots of pieces of rock, because later we'll decide to stay in a room on our regular orb and watch hammers hold themselves and hit rocks for us, and they won't bring us very many rocks.
Wed Oct 22 01:39:16 2014
'Can't you just use the LHC you already built to find it again?' 'We MAY have disassembled it to build a death ray.' 'Just one, though.' 'Nothing you should worry about.' 'The death isn't even very serious.'
Fri Oct 24 01:39:17 2014
'Oh, hey Mom. No, nothing important, just at work.'
Fri Oct 24 13:39:19 2014
'Oh, hey Mom. No, nothing important, just at work.'
Sun Oct 26 23:39:11 2014
There's also nothing in the TOSes that says you can't let a dog play baseball in the server room!
Wed Oct 29 01:39:16 2014
Anyway, that's a common misconception. Geese live for a long time; all the ones we can see will probably keep flying around for billions of years before they explode.
Fri Oct 31 01:39:39 2014
Whenever I miss a shot with a sci-fi weapon, I say 'Apollo retroreflector' really fast, just in case.
Sun Nov 2 23:40:49 2014
These are all sans-serif compounds. Serif compounds are dramatically different and usually much more reactive.
Wed Nov 5 07:39:21 2014
Not to go all sentence fragment on you.
Fri Nov 7 07:39:19 2014
Cloud computing has a ways to go.
Sun Nov 9 23:39:19 2014
I need an extension for my research project because I spent all month trying to figure out whether learning Dvorak would help me type it faster.
Tue Nov 11 23:39:22 2014
...
Fri Nov 14 01:39:28 2014
Life goal #29 is to get enough of them rejected that I can publish a comparative analysis of the rejection letters.
Sun Nov 16 23:39:26 2014
The universe long dead, Isaac surveyed the formless chaos. At last, he had arrived at an answer. 'I like you,' he declared to the void, 'but I don't LIKE like you.'
Tue Nov 18 23:39:24 2014
I just learned about the Slide Mountain Ocean, which I like because it's three nouns that sound like they can't possibly all refer to the same thing.
Thu Nov 20 23:39:22 2014
I'm working to bring about a superintelligent AI that will eternally torment everyone who failed to make fun of the Roko's Basilisk people.
Sun Nov 23 23:39:15 2014
No way, we gotta rewind and cross-reference this map with the list of coordinates we saw on the other screen. This Greenland thing could be big.
Wed Nov 26 01:39:08 2014
Hey guys! What's eating you? Ha ha ha it's me! Oh, what fun we have.
Fri Nov 28 01:39:08 2014
They also showed activation in the parts of the brain associated with exposure to dubious study methodology, concern about unremoved piercings, and exasperation with fMRI techs who won't stop talking about Warped Tour.
Sun Nov 30 23:39:10 2014
I'm sorry, but the author of this Facebook comment clearly believes you were.
Wed Dec 3 01:40:28 2014
For $5 I promise not to orchestrate this situation, and for $25 I promise not to take further advantage of this ability to create incentives.
Fri Dec 5 07:39:30 2014
"I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on Venus and returning him safely to--" [an aide frantically whispers in the president's ear for a moment] "... of landing a man on Venus."
Sun Dec 7 23:39:12 2014
A new study finds that if you give rats a cell phone and a lever they can push to improve the signal, the rats will chew on the cell phone until it breaks and your research supervisors will start to ask some questions about your grant money.
Tue Dec 9 23:39:21 2014
GENERAL JAN DODONNA: An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia has reinvigorated the arguments of the 'artificial moonlet' and 'rogue planet-station' camps. I fear this question is fracturing the Rebellion.
Thu Dec 11 23:39:07 2014
Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Untitled.doc
Sun Dec 14 23:38:59 2014
wtfw it's like smho tbfh, imdb.
Tue Dec 16 23:38:58 2014
With a space elevator, a backyard full of solar panels could launch about 500 horses per year, and a large power plant could launch 10 horses per minute.
Fri Dec 19 07:39:05 2014
Plus, you have to control for the fact that some people are into being blindfolded.
Mon Dec 22 13:38:59 2014
"TURN OFF THE LASER GUIDE STAR" "WHY" "STAR CATS"
Wed Dec 24 01:38:58 2014
He probably just poops over the side of the sleigh.
Thu Dec 25 23:38:58 2014
Washable, though only once.
Sun Dec 28 23:38:55 2014
'Where were you when you learned you'd won?' 'I was actually asleep; I woke up when I refreshed the webite and saw the news.'
Tue Dec 30 23:38:59 2014
My New Year's resolution for 2014-54-12/30/14 Dec:12:1420001642 is to learn these stupid time formatting strings.
Thu Jan 1 23:40:31 2015
If the breaking news is about an event at a hospital or a lab, move it all the way over to the right.
Sun Jan 4 23:38:59 2015
Hey, why stop at our house? We could burn down ALL these houses for the insurance money.
Tue Jan 6 23:38:59 2015
My parents sent me to several years of intensive Kix test prep.
Thu Jan 8 23:38:57 2015
I know it seems unpleasant, but of the two ways we typically transfer them, I promise this is the one you want.
Sun Jan 11 23:39:06 2015
The place I'd least like to live is the farm in the background of those diagrams showing how tornadoes form.
Tue Jan 13 23:38:58 2015
Our phones must have great angular momentum sensors because the compasses really suck.
Thu Jan 15 23:38:57 2015
If you encounter a hex bolt, but you only brought screwdrivers, you can try sandwiching the head of the bolt between two parallel screwdriver shafts, squeezing the screwdrivers together with a hand at either end, then twisting. It doesn't work and it's a great way to hurt yourself, but you can try it!
Mon Jan 19 07:39:10 2015
"Technically that sentence started with 'well', so--" "Ooh, a rock with a fossil in it!"
Tue Jan 20 23:38:59 2015
Earth clearly hasn't been inspected, since it's definitely contaminated with salmonella.
Fri Jan 23 07:39:21 2015
A long, long time (plus 40 years) ago, in a galaxy far, far away (plus a corrective factor involving the Hubble constant) ...
Sat Jan 24 13:40:06 2015
A long, long time (plus 40 years) ago, in a galaxy far, far away (plus a corrective factor involving the Hubble constant) ...
Sun Jan 25 23:40:31 2015
If all else fails, use "signifcant at a p>0.05 level" and hope no one notices.
Tue Jan 27 23:39:13 2015
"Oh, you're using their Chrome APP, not their Chrome EXTENSION. They're very similar but one handles window creation differently." is a thing I hope I can stop saying soon.
Thu Jan 29 23:38:59 2015
My hobby: Pretending to miss the sarcasm when people show off their lack of interest in football by talking about 'sportsball' and acting excited to find someone else who's interested, then acting confused when they try to clarify.
Mon Feb 2 01:39:04 2015
ACCESS LIMITS: Clients may maintain connections to the server for no more than 86,400 seconds per day. If you need additional time, you may contact IERS to file a request for up to one additional second.
Tue Feb 3 23:39:08 2015
If you click on the post, it takes you to search results for the note on various online music stores.
Wed Feb 4 13:39:12 2015
If you click on the post, it takes you to search results for the note on various online music stores.
Thu Feb 5 23:40:34 2015
God was like, "Let there be light," and there was light.
Sun Feb 8 23:39:34 2015
While our commitment to recycling initiatives has been unwavering, this is not a cost any of us should be expected to pay.
Tue Feb 10 23:39:07 2015
The only other Wikipedia vandalism that I would feel zero remorse about is editing the article on active US militia groups to replace "militia" with "fanclub".
Fri Feb 13 07:39:06 2015
Do you think you could actually clean the living room at some point, though?
Sun Feb 15 23:41:15 2015
Nearby, there were also no injuries when a multi-vortex tornado hit one of those spinning teacup rides.
Tue Feb 17 23:39:14 2015
Whoa, and if you overlay a Fibonacci spiral on a golden spiral it matches up almost perfectly!
Wed Feb 18 13:39:20 2015
Whoa, and if you overlay a Fibonacci spiral on a golden spiral it matches up almost perfectly!
Wed Feb 18 16:39:08 2015
Whoa, and if you overlay a Fibonacci spiral on a golden spiral it matches up almost perfectly!
Thu Feb 19 23:38:58 2015
"Of these four forces, there's one we don't really understand." "Is it the weak force or the strong--" "It's gravity."
Sun Feb 22 23:39:03 2015
When I was little I had trouble telling my dad apart form the dog. I always recognized my mom because she had a bunch of extra plutoniums in her middle. I never did ask her why ...
Tue Feb 24 23:39:09 2015
Little-known fact: The 'Dawn of Man' opening sequence in 2001 cuts away seconds before the Flinstones theme becomes recognizable.
Fri Feb 27 01:39:04 2015
This white-balance illusion hit so hard because it felt like someone had been playing through the Monty Hall scenario and opened their chosen door, only to find there was unexpectedly disagreement over whether the thing they'd revealed was a goat or a car.
Fri Feb 27 13:39:06 2015
This white-balance illusion hit so hard because it felt like someone had been playing through the Monty Hall scenario and opened their chosen door, only to find there was unexpectedly disagreement over whether the thing they'd revealed was a goat or a car.
Sun Mar 1 23:39:02 2015
Here at CompanyName.website, our three main strengths are our web-facing chairs, our huge collection of white papers, and the fact that we physically cannot die.
Tue Mar 3 23:39:01 2015
LIFEHACKS: You can just take all the luggage off the airport conveyer belt and leave with it. They don't check that it's yours at the door!
Fri Mar 6 01:39:08 2015
Googling inevitably reveals that my problem is caused by a known bug triggered by doing [the exact combination of things I want to do]. I can fix it, or wait a few years until I don't want that combination of things anymore, using the kitchen timer until then.
Mon Mar 9 01:39:10 2015
It's my most ambitious project yet, judging by the amount of guacamole.
Tue Mar 10 23:39:01 2015
If you ever hear "Wait, is that Kim Dotcom's new project? I'm really excited about it and already signed up, although I'm a little nervous about whether everyone should hand over control of their medical...", it's time to dig a bunker in your backyard.
Fri Mar 13 07:39:11 2015
Thank you for teaching us how big our world is by sharing so many of your own.
Mon Mar 16 07:39:23 2015
The invisible hand of the market never texts me back.
Wed Mar 18 07:39:07 2015
Due to their proximity across the channel, there's long been tension between North Korea and the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Southern Ireland.
Fri Mar 20 07:39:20 2015
At the bottom left: The mystery of why, when I know I needed to be asleep an hour ago, I decide it's a good time to read through every Wikipedia article in the categories 'Out-of-place artifacts', 'Earth mysteries', 'Anomalous weather', and 'List of people who disappeared mysteriously'.
Sun Mar 22 23:40:40 2015
Since it sounds like your time spent typing can't possibly be less productive than your time spent not typing, have you tried typing SLOWER?
Tue Mar 24 23:39:42 2015
[Halfway to the Sun ...] Heyyyy ... what if this BALLOON is full of acorns?!
Fri Mar 27 07:39:03 2015
We all remember those famous first words spoken by an astronaut on the surface of Mars: "That's one small step fo- HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT IT'S GOT SOME KIND OF DRILL! Get back to the ... [unintelligible] ... [signal lost]"
Fri Mar 27 13:39:07 2015
We all remember those famous first words spoken by an astronaut on the surface of Mars: "That's one small step fo- HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT IT'S GOT SOME KIND OF DRILL! Get back to the ... [unintelligible] ... [signal lost]"
Tue May 5 19:21:27 2015
I'M SORRY, FROM YOUR YEARS OF CONDESCENDING TOWARD THE 'SQUISHY SCIENCES', I ASSUMED YOU'D BE A LITTLE HARDER.
Tue May 5 19:38:59 2015
I'M SORRY, FROM YOUR YEARS OF CONDESCENDING TOWARD THE 'SQUISHY SCIENCES', I ASSUMED YOU'D BE A LITTLE HARDER.
Tue May 5 23:39:13 2015
That seems like an awful lot of hassle when all I wanted was a cool sword.
Thu May 7 23:39:04 2015
Astrobiology is held back by the fact that we're all too nervous to try to balance on the ladder while holding an expensive microscope.
Mon May 11 01:38:58 2015
Oh, weird, Amazon is out of butterfly nets.
Wed May 13 01:38:55 2015
I would say time is definitely one of my top three favorite dimensions.
Thu May 14 13:40:42 2015
I would say time is definitely one of my top three favorite dimensions.
Sun May 17 23:38:51 2015
They work even better if you take them with our experimental placebo booster, which I keep in the same bottle.
Tue May 19 23:38:54 2015
At this point, if we're going to keep insisting on portraying dinosaurs as featherless because it's "cooler", it's time to apply that same logic to art involving bald eagles.
Thu May 21 23:38:56 2015
Or whatever's handy! I'm pretty much pure alcohol and water, so it doesn't really matter!
Sun May 24 23:40:25 2015
I'm staring at the "doctor" section, and I can't help but feel like I've forgotten someone.
Tue May 26 23:38:51 2015
WHY DON'T YOU COME HANG OUT INSIDE MY HOUSE. WE CAN COOK BREAD AND CHAT ABOUT OUR INTERNAL SKELETONS.
Fri May 29 01:39:01 2015
This well-known effect has of course been replicated in countless experiments.
Mon Jun 1 01:38:58 2015
Last-minute course change: Let's see if we can hit Steve's house.
Wed Jun 3 07:39:10 2015
WARNING: This item was aged by the same inexorable passage of time that also processes nuts.
Fri Jun 5 01:38:57 2015
Mmmm, this is such a positive experience! I feel no social pressure to enjoy it at all!
Mon Jun 8 01:38:55 2015
Seventh year: Perfectly coherent words, but in the pet's language, not mine.
Mon Jun 8 07:38:55 2015
Seventh year: Perfectly coherent words, but in the pet's language, not mine.
Wed Jun 10 01:38:56 2015
I have never seen a work of fiction so perfectly capture the out-of-nowhere shock of discovering that you've just bricked something important because you didn't pay enough attention to a loose wire.
Fri Jun 12 07:39:01 2015
colors.rgb("blue") yields "#0000FF". colors.rgb("yellowish blue") yields NaN. colors.sort() yields "rainbow"
Mon Jun 15 01:38:58 2015
To me, trying to understand song lyrics feels like when I see text in a dream but it𝔰 hอᵣd t₀ ᵣeₐd aกd 𝒾 canٖt fཱྀcu༧༦࿐༄
Wed Jun 17 07:39:00 2015
[10 years later] Man, why are people so comfortable handing Google and Facebook control over our nuclear weapons?
Fri Jun 19 13:39:08 2015
Instead of bobcat, package contained chair.
Sat Jun 20 01:40:41 2015
Instead of bobcat, package contained chair.
Mon Jun 22 07:39:02 2015
Anyway, we should totally go watch a video story or put some food in our normal mouths!
Wed Jun 24 13:39:35 2015
Neither a spokesperson for the organization nor the current world champion could be reached for comment.
Fri Jun 26 07:38:56 2015
Given the role they play in every process in my body, really, they deserve this award more than me. Just gotta figure out how to give it to them. Maybe I can cut it into pieces to make it easier to swallow ...
Mon Jun 29 07:39:15 2015
Otherwise known as Margaret the Destroyer, I will bring pain to the the Great One. Then again, maybe I won't.
Wed Jul 1 13:39:10 2015
Do you need me to do a quicksort on the whiteboard or produce a generation of offspring or something? It might take me a bit, but I can do it.
Fri Jul 3 13:39:02 2015
The Singularity happened, but not to us.
Mon Jul 6 13:39:00 2015
My country's World Cup win was exciting and all, but c'mon, what if the players wore nylon wings and COULD LITERALLY FLY?
Wed Jul 8 13:38:58 2015
We remember Rugrats, and think of them every time our kids look at us through their baby gates.
Thu Jul 9 23:39:15 2015
If you're not completely satisfied with the phone after 30 days, we will return you to your home at no cost.
Mon Jul 13 01:38:52 2015
The Lord of the Rings sequel, set years after the Ring hubbub has died down, is just Samwise discreetly creeping back to Bag End to finish dropping the eaves.
Tue Jul 14 13:39:21 2015
After decades of increasingly confused arguing, Pluto is reclassified as a "dwarf Pluto."
Thu Jul 16 23:39:07 2015
It's definitely an intentional foul, but we've decided it's worth it.
Sun Jul 19 23:39:07 2015
I guess I should be signing stuff, but I've never been sure what to sign. Maybe if I post my private key, I can crowdsource my decisions about what to sign.
Tue Jul 21 23:39:03 2015
The Earth's five major mass extinctions were the Posh Extinction, the Sporty Extinction, the Scary Extinction, the Ginger Extinction, and the Baby Extinction.
Wed Jul 22 07:39:17 2015
The Earth's five major mass extinctions were the Posh Extinction, the Sporty Extinction, the Scary Extinction, the Ginger Extinction, and the Baby Extinction.
Thu Jul 23 23:39:09 2015
I'm going to drive this Netherlands joke so far into the ground they'll have to build levees around it to keep the sea out.
Fri Jul 24 13:39:17 2015
I'm going to drive this Netherlands joke so far into the ground they'll have to build levees around it to keep the sea out.
Fri Jul 24 19:39:08 2015
I'm going to drive this Netherlands joke so far into the ground they'll have to build levees around it to keep the sea out.
Mon Jul 27 07:40:48 2015
The other half has some cool shipwrecks, rocks, and snakes, but if you move those out of the way, it also has more sky.
Tue Jul 28 23:39:04 2015
And on the pedestal these words appear: "And on the pedestal these words appear: "And on the pedestal these words appear: "And ...
Fri Jul 31 07:39:06 2015
It's probably for the best. Since Roombas are native to North America, it's illegal for Americans to keep them in their houses under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.
Sun Aug 2 23:39:07 2015
Sadly, it probably won't even have enough gas to make it to the first border crossing.
Tue Aug 4 23:39:10 2015
I came here to chew bubblegum and say no more than eighteen words ... and I'm all out of
Fri Aug 7 01:39:30 2015
Vanilla Ice was produced in small quantities for years, but it wasn't until the 90s that experimenters collaborated to produce a sample that could survive at room temperature for several months.
Fri Aug 7 19:39:09 2015
Vanilla Ice was produced in small quantities for years, but it wasn't until the 90s that experimenters collaborated to produce a sample that could survive at room temperature for several months.
Mon Aug 10 01:40:27 2015
There's no "I" in "VOWELS".
Wed Aug 12 01:39:09 2015
Fans eagerly await 2015's 'Space Fights: Power Gets Up', although most think 1999's 'Space Fights: The Scary Ghost' didn't live up to the hype.
Fri Aug 14 07:39:13 2015
Every few months, I think about sex every seven seconds and how weird and implausible it would be.
Sun Aug 16 23:39:06 2015
Hang on, let me scare the live raccoon over to the same side of the dead one.
Wed Aug 19 07:39:03 2015
Yes, it took a lot of work to make the cards and pieces, but it's worth it--the players are way more thorough than the tax prep people ever were.
Thu Aug 20 23:39:06 2015
Household tip: Tired of buying so much toilet paper? Try unspooling the paper from the roll before using it. A single roll can last for multiple days that way, and it's much easier on your plumbing.
Sun Aug 23 23:39:07 2015
There's also the TV show based on the hit Hot and Cold Music books: Fun With Chairs, Royal Rumble, Knife Blizzard, Breakfast for Birds, and Samba Serpents.
Tue Aug 25 23:39:00 2015
Since people rarely try to cut down cell phone towers, after millions of years, as cell phone towers have gotten more treelike, trees have started growing fake cell phone tower attachments and shiny gray bark to protect themselves. This is a standard textbook example of convergent evolution.
Fri Aug 28 07:39:06 2015
The less common, even worse outcome: "3: [everyone in the financial system] WOW, where did all my money just go?"
Mon Aug 31 13:39:44 2015
CLIMAX is good, but SEXCLIMAX is even better.
Wed Sep 2 07:39:21 2015
The xkcd Survey: Big Data for a Big Planet
Thu Sep 3 23:39:55 2015
We had gathered that raw information, but had yet to put it all together.
Mon Sep 7 07:39:35 2015
Careful mathematical analysis demonstrates small-scale irregularities in Gaussian distribution
Wed Sep 9 01:39:14 2015
"There's one set of foot-p's cause I was totes carrying you, bro!" said Jesus seconds before I punched him.
Thu Sep 10 23:40:00 2015
I literally could care less.
Sun Sep 13 23:41:02 2015
The few dozen doors that have little Christmas trees on them are a nice touch.
Tue Sep 15 23:39:23 2015
After a while, the squirrel starts making that beeping noise and doesn't stop until it hops back up onto the stump.
Thu Sep 17 23:39:23 2015
And when I think about it, a lot of "things I want to do" are just learning about and discussing new tools for tinkering with the chain.
Fri Sep 18 13:39:10 2015
And when I think about it, a lot of "things I want to do" are just learning about and discussing new tools for tinkering with the chain.
Mon Sep 21 13:39:17 2015
And a different ghost has replaced me in the bedroom.
Wed Sep 23 07:39:10 2015
I guess I need to apologize to my parents, friends, and the staff at Chuck E. Cheese's for all the times I called the cops on them.
Thu Sep 24 23:39:13 2015
Wait, I can fix this. Picture another field. In the middle sits the only creature the first creature is afraid of. Now just-- wait, where did THAT one go?
Mon Sep 28 07:38:56 2015
Why are we spending billions to ruin Mars with swarms of robots when Elon Musk has promised to ruin Mars for a FRACTION of the cost?
Tue Sep 29 23:38:57 2015
Charles, I just talked to John and Mildred, who run that company selling seeds and nuts, and their kids with MOUTHS are starving!
Fri Oct 2 01:38:57 2015
I just came from The Martian, and I just have to say: Forget BB-8; I want a pet Sojourner! It's always been the cutest of our Mars rovers.
Mon Oct 5 07:38:56 2015
In the future, a group of resistance fighters send me back in time with instructions to find the Skynet prototype and try to upgrade it.
Tue Oct 6 23:38:56 2015
I won't eat invertebrates, because I can fight a skeleton, but I have no idea what kind of spooky warrior a squid leaves behind.
Fri Oct 9 07:38:53 2015
My MRI research shows a clear correlation between the size of the parietal lobe--the part of the brain that handles spatial reasoning--and enjoyment of 3D Doritos®.
Sun Oct 11 23:38:58 2015
"Wait, so in this version is Frankenstein also the doctor's name?" "No, he's just 'The Doctor'."
Wed Oct 14 07:39:08 2015
Why did we even have that thing?
Fri Oct 16 07:40:36 2015
The no-communication theorem states that no communication about the no-communication theorem can clear up the misunderstanding quickly enough to allow faster-than-light signaling.
Mon Oct 19 07:39:01 2015
On the other hand, it took us embarrassingly long to clue in to the lung cancer/cigarette thing, so I guess the real lesson is "figuring out which ideas are true is hard."
Wed Oct 21 01:39:00 2015
The thrower started hitting the bats too much, so the king of the game told him to leave and brought out another thrower from thrower jail.
Thu Oct 22 23:39:03 2015
After meeting with a few of the subjects, the IRB actually recommended that you stop stressing out so much about safety guidelines.
Mon Oct 26 01:39:00 2015
There's a cool mental calculation hack I recently learned for this: If you open the calendar app on your phone or computer, the highest-numbered box along the bottom is equal to the number of days in the month!
Wed Oct 28 01:39:01 2015
Visual checks suggest the cool bird has exited the launch zone. Tip the rocket sideways and resume the countdown--we're gonna go find it!
Fri Oct 30 01:39:28 2015
If that doesn't fix it, git.txt contains the phone number of a friend of mine who understands git. Just wait through a few minutes of 'It's really pretty simple, just think of branches as...' and eventually you'll learn the commands that will fix everything.
Mon Nov 2 07:40:35 2015
My hobby: Taking advantage of the rice myth by posting articles on "how to save your wet phone" which are actually just elaborate recipes for rice pilaf.
Wed Nov 4 07:39:06 2015
When I was a kid, I asked my parents why our houses didn't have toothpaste pipes in addition to water ones. I'm strangely pleased to see Amazon thinking the same way.
Fri Nov 6 07:39:07 2015
Markets have been rocked by a second day of uncertainty after someone set up a giant Ouija board on the NYSE wall controlled collectively by the movement of the stock tickers.
Sun Nov 8 23:38:52 2015
2060: The gregarious superintelligent AI, happily talking its way out of a box, is fast becoming a relic of the past. Today's quantum hyper-beings are too busy with their internal multiverse sims to even notice that they're in boxes at all!
Tue Nov 10 23:39:02 2015
If that's too easy, you could try joining Tautology Club, which meets on the date of the Tautology Club meeting.
Fri Nov 13 07:38:58 2015
Due to a typo, I initially found a forum for serious Fleshlight enthusiasts, and it turns out their highest-end models are ALSO capable of setting trees on fire. They're impossible to use without severe burns, but some of them swear it's worth it.
Sun Nov 15 13:38:53 2015
Due to a typo, I initially found a forum for serious Fleshlight enthusiasts, and it turns out their highest-end models are ALSO capable of setting trees on fire. They're impossible to use without severe burns, but some of them swear it's worth it.
Sun Nov 15 23:38:51 2015
The last band of color indicates the snake's tolerance for being held before biting.
Wed Nov 18 13:39:49 2015
Researchers just found the gene responsible for mistakenly thinking we've found the gene for specific things. It's the region between the start and the end of every chromosome, plus a few segments in our mitochondria.
Fri Nov 20 07:38:55 2015
You know what they say--if you don't like the weather here in the Solar System, just wait five billion years.
Sun Nov 22 23:39:09 2015
Writing for the majority, Justice Kennedy called the man's arguments that he could be either Alito or Ginsburg "surprisingly compelling, but ultimately unconvincing."
Fri Nov 27 07:39:18 2015
If anyone tries this on you, the best reply is a deadpan "Oh yeah, that's a common potato chip flavor in Canada."
Mon Nov 30 07:39:46 2015
Here in the entomology department, we have a simple two-step formula for answering any question: (1) ants are cool, and (2) we forgot the question because we were thinking about ants.
Wed Dec 2 07:40:12 2015
Sure, it may not meet science fair standards, but I want credit for getting my baking soda and vinegar mountain added to the Decade Volcanoes list.
Fri Dec 4 07:40:26 2015
The contagious period ends right around when you start to sound sick over the phone, which is probably evidence of cold viruses evolving to spread optimally in the workplace.
Mon Dec 7 01:40:19 2015
In ordering #5, self-driving cars will happily drive you around, but if you tell them to drive to a car dealership, they just lock the doors and politely ask how long humans take to starve to death.
Tue Dec 8 23:40:18 2015
[Dog returns with the end of a string in its mouth] [Voice drifts down from the sky] Kites are fun!
Fri Dec 11 07:40:08 2015
That guy only drives an alkaline car to overcompensate for his highly acidic penis.
Mon Dec 14 07:40:26 2015
I'm trying to be healthier, so after I eat this brick of cheese, I'll have a spoonful of grease-soaked vegetables.
Wed Dec 16 07:40:16 2015
Oh no, I changed the future and now I'm disappearing! Wait, never mind, it was just my hat slipping down over my eyes.
Thu Dec 17 23:40:18 2015
Seriously considering buying some illegal drugs to try to turn them back into cold medicine.
Sun Dec 20 23:40:09 2015
Due to a minor glitch, 'discharge patient' does not cause the algorithm to exit, but instead leads back to 'hunt down and capture patient'.
Mon Dec 21 16:41:46 2015
Due to a minor glitch, 'discharge patient' does not cause the algorithm to exit, but instead leads back to 'hunt down and capture patient'.
Tue Dec 22 23:40:14 2015
SOUND DOGS MAKE: [BARKING] [HISSING] [LIGHTSABER NOISES] [FLUENT ENGLISH] [SWEARING]
Wed Dec 23 07:43:56 2015
SOUND DOGS MAKE: [BARKING] [HISSING] [LIGHTSABER NOISES] [FLUENT ENGLISH] [SWEARING]
Thu Dec 24 23:40:17 2015
My theory predicts that, at high enough energies, FRBs and perytons become indistinguishable because the detector burns out.
Sun Dec 27 23:40:25 2015
I've got the Craigslist post ready to go! I wasn't sure what category it should go in, so I listed it as property and put that it has 'good sun exposure.'
Wed Dec 30 01:40:20 2015
The real loser in an argument about the meaning of the word 'hoverboard' is anyone who leaves that argument on foot.
Thu Dec 31 23:40:15 2015
Want to feel old? Wait.
Mon Jan 4 13:40:31 2016
Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.
Wed Jan 6 07:40:21 2016
It took a lot of booster rockets, but luckily Amazon had recently built thousands of them to bring Amazon Prime same-day delivery to the Moon colony.
Thu Jan 7 23:40:14 2016
It also occasionally replies with 'Comment of the year', 'Are you for real', and 'I'm taking a screenshot so I can remember this moment forever'.
Sun Jan 10 23:40:32 2016
In the latest round, 9-year-old Muhammad Ali beat 10-year-old JFK at air hockey, while Secretariat lost the hot-dog-eating crown to 12-year-old Ken Jennings. Meanwhile, in a huge upset, 11-year-old Martha Stewart knocked out the adult Ronda Rousey.
Wed Jan 13 01:40:29 2016
I make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for ...
Thu Jan 14 23:40:23 2016
I always have to turn off nature documentaries when they show these scenes.
Mon Jan 18 01:40:15 2016
'--> [ Well, this is embarrassing. ] <--'
Tue Jan 19 23:40:14 2016
I hope that somewhere in the world, "Panamax" is the last option on a "size" drop-down menu on a sex toy site.
Fri Jan 22 13:41:22 2016
Superman lies near the bird/plane boundary over a range of distances, which explains the confusion.
Sun Jan 24 23:40:13 2016
I keep first aid kits in those emergency lockers. Sure, it's expensive to have them installed in the wall, but at least for those ones there's no need to pay extra for safety glass.
Wed Jan 27 01:40:19 2016
Maybe if I put it in a box for a while with a speaker playing some pleasant pastoral music, I can reprogram it.
Thu Jan 28 23:40:07 2016
This site requires Sun Java 6.0.0.1 (32-bit) or higher. You have Macromedia Java 7.3.8.1¾ (48-bit). Click here [link to java.com main page] to download an installer which will run fine but not really change anything.
Sun Jan 31 23:40:22 2016
This one is a little bland. Pass the saltshaker?
Tue Feb 2 23:40:14 2016
I searched my .bash_history for the line with the highest ratio of special characters to regular alphanumeric characters, and the winner was: cat out.txt | grep -o "\\\[[(].*\\\[\])][^)\]]*$" ... I have no memory of this and no idea what I was trying to do, but I sure hope it worked.
Thu Feb 4 23:40:28 2016
Look, recipe, if I knew how much was gonna taste good, I wouldn't need you.
Mon Feb 8 01:40:22 2016
Why did the chicken cross the road? It begins over five thousand years ago with the domestication of the red junglefowl in southeast Asia and the development of paved roads in the Sumerian city of Ur.
Wed Feb 10 01:40:17 2016
Okay, I'm just gonna order pizza, and let's never talk about this again.
Thu Feb 11 13:40:26 2016
"That last LinkedIn request set a new record for the most energetic physical event ever observed. Maybe we should respond." "Nah."
Mon Feb 15 07:43:50 2016
"Radians Fahrenheit or radians Celsius?" "Uh, sorry, gotta go!"
Mon Feb 15 13:40:14 2016
"Radians Fahrenheit or radians Celsius?" "Uh, sorry, gotta go!"
Tue Feb 16 23:41:49 2016
Some of you may be thinking, 'But wait, isn't the brightest star in our sky the Sun?' I think that's a great question and you should totally ask it. On the infinite tree of possible conversations spread out before us, I think that's definitely the most promising branch.
Wed Feb 17 07:40:24 2016
Some of you may be thinking, 'But wait, isn't the brightest star in our sky the Sun?' I think that's a great question and you should totally ask it. On the infinite tree of possible conversations spread out before us, I think that's definitely the most promising branch.
Fri Feb 19 07:40:23 2016
Platonic solids for my real friends and real solids for my platonic friends!
Mon Feb 22 01:40:22 2016
PYTHON FLAG ENABLE THREE LAWS
Wed Feb 24 07:39:59 2016
Using diacritics correctly is not my forté.
Thu Feb 25 23:39:32 2016
The Romeo and Butt-Head film actually got two thumbs up from Siskel and Oates.
Mon Feb 29 13:40:09 2016
In the future, every single pipeline will lead to the bowl of a giant blender, and we'll all just show up with a bucket each day to take our share of the resulting smoothie.
Wed Mar 2 01:39:58 2016
Does it get taller first and then widen, or does it reach full width before getting taller, or alternate, or what?
Thu Mar 3 23:39:55 2016
But listen, if getting your car out from under the pile is REALLY important to you, we do have an axe you can borrow.
Mon Mar 7 07:40:03 2016
'If you're done being pedantic, we should get dinner.' 'You did it again!' 'No, I didn't.'
Tue Mar 8 23:40:18 2016
It would be pretty unfair to give to someone a blank version of this map as a 'how many states can you name?' quiz. (If you include Alaska and Hawaii, you should swap the Aleutian Islands with the Hawaiian ones.)
Thu Mar 10 23:40:07 2016
The failures usually don't hurt anything, and if it installs several versions, it increases the chance that one of them is right. (Note: The 'yes' command and '2>/dev/null' are recommended additions.)
Sun Mar 13 23:40:17 2016
After a power outage at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, the new Digital Doomsday Clock is flashing 00:00 and mushroom clouds keep appearing and then retracting once a second.
Wed Mar 16 07:40:25 2016
You can also try 'Yikes.'
Fri Mar 18 07:40:38 2016
I looked up "insanity" in like 10 different dictionaries and none of them said anything like that. Neither did the DSM-4. But I'll keep looking. Maybe it's in the DSM-5!
Mon Mar 21 07:41:15 2016
Corollary to Hofstadter's Law: Every minute you spend thinking about Hofstadter's Law is a minute you're NOT WORKING AND WILL NEVER FINISH! PAAAAAANIIIIIIC!
Wed Mar 23 13:40:41 2016
If we find one of those tire dumps, the next time he tries to get his truck back we can just retreat and let him have it.
Fri Mar 25 07:40:19 2016
Oh dang, you have to pay? Hey, has anyone else paid already? If so, can I borrow your phone for a sec?
Mon Mar 28 13:42:24 2016
BREAKING: Senator's bold pro-podium stand leads to primary challenge from prescriptivist base.
Wed Mar 30 13:42:22 2016
Jill and Jack / began to frack. / The oil boosts their town. / But fractures make / the bedrock shake / and Jack came tumbling down.
Wed Apr 6 07:44:00 2016
Conspiracy theory: There's no such thing as corn. Those fields you see are just the stalks of a fungus that's controlling our brains to make us want to spread it.
Fri Apr 8 13:41:56 2016
I don't think the Lakeshore Air Crash Museum really belongs under 'Tourist Attractions.' It's not a museum--it's just an area near the Lake Festival Laser Show where a lot of planes have crashed.
Mon Apr 11 13:40:26 2016
I just spent 20 minutes deciding whether to start an email with 'Hi' or 'Hey', so I think it transferred correctly.
Tue Apr 12 23:40:16 2016
There was a schism in 2007, when a sect advocating OpenOffice created a fork of Sunday.xlsx and maintained it independently for several months. The efforts to reconcile the conflicting schedules led to the reinvention, within the cells of the spreadsheet, of modern version control.
Fri Apr 15 13:40:28 2016
I figured that now that society has collapsed, I wouldn't need to wear clothes anymore, but apparently that violates some weird rule of quantum gravity.
Mon Apr 18 13:40:26 2016
No, a hydroplane doesn't land on water--that's an aquaplane. A hydroplane is a plane that gets electric power from an onboard water reservoir with a tiny dam and turbines.
Wed Apr 20 13:40:25 2016
The laws of physics are fun to try to understand, but as an organism with incredibly delicate eyes who evolved in a world full of sharp objects, I have an awful lot of trust in biology's calibration of my flinch reflex.
Fri Apr 22 13:40:53 2016
Learning arcane bullshit from the 80s can break your computer, but if you're willing to wade through arcane bullshit from programmers in the 90s and 2000s, you can break everyone else's computers, too.
Mon Apr 25 13:40:32 2016
I get that there are security reasons for the schedule, but this is like the ONE problem we have where the right answer is both easy and straightforward. If we can't figure it out, maybe we should just give up and just replace all the portraits on the bills with that weird pyramid eye thing.
Wed Apr 27 01:41:59 2016
I'll be honest--the 1950s were a rough time for cycling.
Fri Apr 29 13:42:03 2016
(1) That shopping cart is full of AirHeads, and (2) I died at 41 from what the AirHeads company spokesperson called 'probably natural causes.'
Mon May 2 13:40:29 2016
I tried to send a message back, but I accidentally hit 'reply all' and now the ocean is clogged with message bottles.
Tue May 3 23:40:22 2016
Gonna start bugging the Unicode consortium to add snake segment characters that can be combined into an arbitrary-length non-breaking snake.
Thu May 5 23:40:19 2016
Astronomy (or "astrology" in British English) is the study of ...
Mon May 9 13:39:08 2016
autoexec code posted by verified twitter users
Wed May 11 13:39:18 2016
BREAKING: Channing Tatum and his friends explore haunted city
Fri May 13 01:39:09 2016
It also brings all the boys, and everything else, to the yard.
Mon May 16 07:39:16 2016
ERRORS: HAIR JAM. COLOR-SAFE CONDITIONER CARTRIDGE RUNNING LOW. LEGAL-SIZE HAIR TRAY EMPTY, USING LETTER-SIZE HAIR ONLY.
Wed May 18 07:39:00 2016
If a wild bun is sighted, a nice gesture of respect is to send a 'BUN ALERT' message to friends and family, with photographs documenting the bun's location and rank. If no photographs are possible, emoji may be substituted.
Wed May 18 13:39:15 2016
If a wild bun is sighted, a nice gesture of respect is to send a 'BUN ALERT' message to friends and family, with photographs documenting the bun's location and rank. If no photographs are possible, emoji may be substituted.
Thu May 19 23:39:10 2016
“If you can read this, congratulations—the archive you’re you're using still knows about the mouseover textâ€!
Mon May 23 07:39:08 2016
Listen, in a few thousand years you'll invent a game called 'SimCity' which has a 'disaster' button, and then you'll understand.
Tue May 24 23:39:38 2016
My optimizer uses content-aware inpainting to fill in all the wasted whitespace in the code, repeating the process until it compiles.
Fri May 27 13:39:05 2016
'How long are you going to keep this up?' 'Statistically, only four or five more decades.'
Sun May 29 23:38:59 2016
I hate how the media only ever uses the first part of this quote, stripping it of its important context.
Wed Jun 1 07:38:58 2016
Does the screeching chill your blood and herald death? If yes, banshee. If no, seagull.
Wed Jun 1 13:38:56 2016
Does the screeching chill your blood and herald death? If yes, banshee. If no, seagull.
Fri Jun 3 13:39:10 2016
I can't get any work done because my friend Catherine is sitting on my keyboard.
Sun Jun 5 23:40:32 2016
'List of helicopter prison escapes' and 'List of sexually active popes' are both entertainingly long, but sadly there's no 'List of helicopter prison escapes involving sexually active popes.'
Tue Jun 7 23:40:36 2016
Premature optimization is the root of all evil, so to start this project I'd better come up with a system that can determine whether a possible optimization is premature or not.
Thu Jun 9 23:40:37 2016
For even more info, see blarbl(2)(3) and birb(3ahhaha I'm kidding, just Google it like a normal person.
Sun Jun 12 23:40:37 2016
Calm down--there were lots of arthropods living on your skin already. These ones are just bigger.
Wed Jun 15 13:41:38 2016
Later, walking out of jail after posting $10,000 bail: "Wait, this isn't the street the county jail is on."
Fri Jun 17 07:39:04 2016
It's like you tried to define a formal grammar based on fragments of a raw database dump from the QuickBooks file of a company that's about to collapse in an accounting scandal.
Sun Jun 19 23:39:03 2016
Lambda calculus? More like SHAMbda calculus, amirite?
Tue Jun 21 23:39:07 2016
These pranks happen all the time. English doesn't allow one-syllable words to end in a lax vowel, so writers on The Simpsons decided to mess with future linguists by introducing the word "meh."
Fri Jun 24 10:11:57 2016
TinyURL was the most popular link shortener for long enough that it made it into a lot of printed publications. I wonder what year the domain will finally lapse and get picked up by a porn site.
Mon Jun 27 13:39:05 2016
Will there ever be a physics term greater than 'tachyonic antitelephone?' According to this message from the future, the answer is 'no.'
Tue Jun 28 23:39:01 2016
There's also a unicode-handling bug in the URL request library, and we're storing the passwords unsalted ... so if we salt them with emoji, we can close three issues at once!
Fri Jul 1 13:40:34 2016
NASCAR removed the passenger seats because drivers hated how astronauts kept riding along with them and loudly announcing "Ahh, what a nice and relaxing drive."
Mon Jul 4 13:39:12 2016
In my experience, mosquitos and poison ivy are bad, but the very worst itch comes from bites from chiggers (Trombicula alfreddugesi). They're found across the American south and great plains, so the best home remedy is to move to Iceland.
Wed Jul 6 13:39:19 2016
"The name wasn't a tip-off?" "Honestly, at first I thought you were saying 'Juneau'. A gravity assist seemed like a weird way to get to Alaska, but I figured it must be more efficient or something."
Thu Jul 7 23:39:04 2016
President Andrew Johnson once said, "If I am to be shot at, I want Gnome Ann to be in the way of the bullet."
Sun Jul 10 23:39:06 2016
Still waiting for the Pokémon Go update that lets you capture strangers' pets.
Tue Jul 12 23:39:12 2016
Plus, now I know that I have risk factors for elbow dysplasia, heartworm, parvo, and mange.
Fri Jul 15 13:39:11 2016
The SpaceX system carefully guides falling phones down to the surface, a process which the phones increasingly often survive without exploding.
Mon Jul 18 13:39:06 2016
I don't care what the research says. Everybody knows you should drink 3,000 glasses of water a day and change your oil every 8 miles.
Wed Jul 20 13:39:07 2016
"Or maybe, because we're suddenly having so many conversations through written text, we'll start relying MORE on altered spelling to indicate meaning!" "Wat."
Thu Jul 21 23:39:03 2016
A childhood spent walking while reading books has prepared me unexpectedly well for today's world.
Mon Jul 25 07:39:18 2016
For obvious reasons, the prize is awarded at a different time of year from the others, while it's still fresh in the committee's memory.
Wed Jul 27 13:39:15 2016
"Ok, I lit the smoke bomb and rolled it under the bed. Let's see if it--" ::FWOOOSH:: "Politifact says: PANTS ON FIRE!"
Fri Jul 29 01:39:11 2016
There's been a raccoon accident at an accordion bacchanalia! Double doses!
Mon Aug 1 07:39:13 2016
It's hard living somewhere with antlions, because every time you find one of their traps, you feel compelled to spend all day constructing a tiny model of Jabba's sail barge next to it.
Wed Aug 3 13:39:21 2016
To make your shoes feel more comfortable, smell better, and last longer, try taking them off before you shower.
Thu Aug 4 23:39:14 2016
'Hey, what are those futuristic goggles for, anyway?' 'Oh, this is just a broken Google Glass. It was 2010's night at the club.'
Mon Aug 8 13:39:34 2016
They CLAIM honey was found in the chambers under the pyramids, but this conspiracy goes all the way to the TOP, where the GIANT EYE is!
Wed Aug 10 13:39:14 2016
Maybe you should keep FEWER backups; it sounds like throwing away everything you've done and starting from scratch might not be the worst idea.
Fri Aug 12 13:39:39 2016
*click* Let him know he's got a stain on his shirt, though.
Mon Aug 15 07:39:07 2016
This car has 240% of a horse's decision-making ability and produces only 30% as much poop.
Tue Aug 16 23:39:12 2016
Then we move to phase two. Gas stations store fuel in underground tanks. Normally, these are inaccessible except via the pump. However, with hydraulic fracturing, we-- Wait! Come back!
Fri Aug 19 07:40:04 2016
When you Google an error message and it gets no results, you can be pretty sure you've found a clue to the location of Martin's sword.
Mon Aug 22 07:39:18 2016
Click for an actual flowchart for identifying a meteorite. My favorite part is how 'Did someone see it fall? -> Yes' points to 'NOT A METEORITE.' This is not a mistake.
Tue Aug 23 23:42:21 2016
Next, let's assume the decision of whether to take the Axiom of Choice is made by a deterministic process ...
Fri Aug 26 13:40:00 2016
The 95% confidence interval suggests Rexthor's dog could also be a cat, or possibly a teapot.
Mon Aug 29 07:39:17 2016
I'm excited about the proposal to add a "brontosaurus" emoji codepoint because it has the potential to bring together a half-dozen different groups of pedantic people into a single glorious internet argument.
Tue Aug 30 23:40:16 2016
They try to pad their numbers in the annual reports by counting Galileo's redundant systems as multiple computers, but they're falling behind badly either way.
Fri Sep 2 07:40:49 2016
Take THAT, piece of 1980s-era infrastructure I've inexplicably maintained on my systems for 15 years despite never really learning how it works.
Mon Sep 5 13:39:18 2016
"Hey guys! I have a great idea for a migration!" "Dammit, Kevin."
Tue Sep 6 23:39:12 2016
The New Worlds Mission is already trying to get funding for this, but NASA sponsored their proposal, so it will be hard to catch the telescope people by surprise with it.
Thu Sep 8 23:39:06 2016
Hang on, I just remembered another thing I'm right about. See...
Mon Sep 12 13:39:10 2016
[After setting your car on fire] Listen, your car's temperature has changed before.
Mon Sep 12 21:39:04 2016
[After setting your car on fire] Listen, your car's temperature has changed before.
Tue Sep 13 21:39:17 2016
[After setting your car on fire] Listen, your car's temperature has changed before.
Thu Sep 15 07:39:12 2016
I still don't understand why the Sun paid the extra money for Transitions lenses.
Fri Sep 16 13:39:11 2016
"I've noticed you physics people can be a little on the reductionist side." "That's ridiculous. Name ONE reductionist word I've ever said."
Mon Sep 19 13:41:00 2016
* Mad about jorts
Wed Sep 21 13:39:08 2016
On the plus side, we definitely killed that cancer over there, even if we caused a bunch more everywhere else.
Thu Sep 22 23:39:13 2016
Asimov's Cosmic AC was created by linking all datacenters through hyperspace, which explains a lot. It didn't reverse entropy--it just discarded the universe when it reached end-of-life and ordered a new one.
Mon Sep 26 07:39:27 2016
Whenever I see a picture of the moon where the points go more than halfway around, I assume it's being eclipsed by one of those Independence Day ships and interpret the rest of the image in light of that.
Tue Sep 27 16:39:02 2016
Whenever I see a picture of the moon where the points go more than halfway around, I assume it's being eclipsed by one of those Independence Day ships and interpret the rest of the image in light of that.
Tue Sep 27 23:39:00 2016
'What was the original problem you were trying to fix?' 'Well, I noticed one of the tools I was using had an inefficiency that was wasting my time.'
Fri Sep 30 07:39:10 2016
I WONDERED why he kept asking whether we thought the impact speed was too low.
Mon Oct 3 07:39:16 2016
Despite it being imaginary, I already have SUCH a strong opinion on the cord-switch firing incident.
Wed Oct 5 01:39:17 2016
'Copy and paste from a random thread on a website' is the hardest to predict, and depends on the specific website, programming language, tone of the description, and current phase of the moon.
Thu Oct 6 23:39:10 2016
Remind me to order another pack of coffee filters from Dyson. Man, these things are EXPENSIVE.
Mon Oct 10 13:39:14 2016
I have this weird thing where if I don't drink enough water, I start feeling bad and then die of dehydration.
Wed Oct 12 01:39:08 2016
The 78-rpm era was closer to the Civil War than to today.
Thu Oct 13 23:39:13 2016
"This seems more like a way to attract turkey vultures." "My mom always told me a turkey vulture is just a friend you haven't met yet, usually because you don't smell enough like decaying meat."
Mon Oct 17 13:39:07 2016
Whenever you see a video of birds doing something weird, remember: Birds are a small subset of dinosaurs, so the weirdness of birds is a small subset of the weirdness of dinosaurs.
Tue Oct 18 23:39:04 2016
"The only link we've found between the two documents is that a fragment of the Noah one mentions Aaron's brother Moses parting an ocean. Is that right?" "... yes. Yes, exactly."
Fri Oct 21 13:41:02 2016
Evolutionarily speaking, mushrooms are technically a type of ghost.
Mon Oct 24 13:39:21 2016
I got to check off 'Make something called xkcd' early.
Wed Oct 26 13:39:09 2016
That's actually the original Japanese version of A Million Random Digits, which is much better than the American remake the book was based on.
Thu Oct 27 23:40:39 2016
But instead of hitting the ocean, you should land in an overheating hot tub on a sinking cruise ship, sending it crashing through the floor into the burning engine room as the ship goes under.
Mon Oct 31 07:39:06 2016
"Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty--" / "Can't we just read Pat the Bunny?"
Wed Nov 2 13:39:05 2016
It's a myth that you can never cross mountains safely, but be sure you understand how the climatic situation there will affect your parent thunderstorm.
Thu Nov 3 23:39:20 2016
Lot of drama in those days, including constant efforts to force the "Reflections on Trusting Trust" guy into retirement so we could stop being so paranoid about compilers.
Mon Nov 7 13:40:39 2016
We can do this.
Tue Nov 8 23:39:32 2016
Once you've done this, make a note of how old they were. Then, when their age reaches double that, show them this chart again.
Fri Nov 11 07:39:07 2016
DEPARTMENT OF NEUROSCIENCE / Motto: "If I hear the phrase 'mirror neurons' I swear to God I will flip this table."
Mon Nov 14 13:39:02 2016
West Norsussex is east of East Norwessex, but they're both far north of Middlesex and West Norwex.
Wed Nov 16 13:39:10 2016
Certified skydiving instructors know way more about safely falling from planes than I do, and are way more likely to die that way.
Thu Nov 17 23:39:10 2016
I bet if I yell at my scared friends I will feel better.
Mon Nov 21 07:39:11 2016
Later, when I remember that I'm calling movers, I frantically scribble over the labels and write 'NORMAL HOUSE STUFF' on all of them, which actually makes things worse.
Wed Nov 23 13:39:24 2016
Effect strength => [unstoppable] | Effect range => [2 miles] | Effect duration => [1 year]
Thu Nov 24 23:39:36 2016
4. They unplug the root machine but the thousands of leaf VMs scatter in the wind and start spinning up new instances wherever they land
Mon Nov 28 07:41:19 2016
[bzzzt] "REMEMBER TO CHECK IN FOR YOUR FLIGHT TO LONDON." "My wha-" [bzzzt] "YOUR UBER WILL ARRIVE IN FOUR MINUTES."
Wed Nov 30 13:39:00 2016
If I were trapped on a desert island, and could have an unlimited supply of any one type of apple, I'd be like, "How did this situation happen?"
Thu Dec 1 23:39:02 2016
Technically DC isn't a state, but no one is too pedantic about it because they don't want to disturb the snakes.
Mon Dec 5 13:39:10 2016
Of course, "Number of times I've gotten to make a decision twice to know for sure how it would have turned out" is still at 0.
Tue Dec 6 23:39:00 2016
If anyone calls you on any weird detail, just say it's from the Jedi Prince book series, which contains so much random incongruous stuff that even most Expanded Universe/Legends fans collectively agreed to forget about it decades ago.
Wed Dec 7 16:39:11 2016
If anyone calls you on any weird detail, just say it's from the Jedi Prince book series, which contains so much random incongruous stuff that even most Expanded Universe/Legends fans collectively agreed to forget about it decades ago.
Fri Dec 9 07:39:16 2016
I know they said this change is permanent, but surely when they hear how much we're complaining someone will find a way to change things back.
Sun Dec 11 23:38:58 2016
It me, your father.
Wed Dec 14 13:39:13 2016
While there's no formal regulation, it turns out their industry group is NOT one you want mad at you.
Fri Dec 16 07:39:06 2016
[Google search] how do I block my lawn
Mon Dec 19 13:39:13 2016
Contains 100% of your recommended daily allowance!
Wed Dec 21 13:39:09 2016
Guess who has two thumbs and spent the night in an ER after trying to rescue a kitten that ran under his car at a stoplight and climbed up into the engine compartment? And, thanks to antibiotics, will continue having two thumbs? THIS GUY. (P.S. kitten is safe!)
Fri Dec 23 07:39:18 2016
And then in a twinkling, a sound gave me pause / From the roof came the scratching of eight tarsal claws.
Sun Dec 25 23:41:27 2016
Dear Diary: UNSUBSCRIBE
Tue Dec 27 23:39:11 2016
Sometimes, parts of a slowly-rising mountain suddenly rises REALLY fast, which is extra interesting.
Fri Dec 30 13:39:06 2016
Things are looking good for the eclipse--Nate Silver says Earth will almost definitely still have a moon in August.
Mon Jan 2 07:39:01 2017
[holding up a three-phase motor] As you can see here, the problem is that the humidifier I took this from is broken.
Wed Jan 4 07:39:12 2017
I didn't even realize you could HAVE a data set made up entirely of outliers.
Fri Jan 6 13:39:12 2017
2078: He announces that he's finally making the jump from screen+irssi to tmux+weechat.
Mon Jan 9 01:39:10 2017
Hey Rob, sorry it took me a while to get back to you! Sure, I'd love to see WALL-E opening weekend! Are you still doing that, or...?
Tue Jan 10 23:40:35 2017
This map preserves the shapes of Tissot's indicatrices pretty well, as long as you draw them in before running the resize.
Thu Jan 12 23:39:10 2017
Further out to the right, it works correctly, but the reason it works still involves the word 'firmware.'
Mon Jan 16 01:39:04 2017
Plus, time's all weird in there, so most of it probably broke down and decomposed hundreds of years ago. Which reminds me, I've been meaning to get in touch with Yucca Mountain to see if they're interested in a partnership.
Wed Jan 18 13:39:14 2017
Dvorak words may sound hard to pronounce, but studies show they actually put less stress on the vocal chords.
Fri Jan 20 13:39:14 2017
My life goal is to launch a barge into the air and have it land on one of Elon Musk's rockets.
Mon Jan 23 13:39:14 2017
Texting should work. Unless the message is too long, in which case it gets converted to voicemails, and I think I'm locked out of my voicemail.
Wed Jan 25 13:39:08 2017
With the right 90-degree rotation, any effect is a side effect.
Fri Jan 27 13:39:04 2017
On the other hand, the refractor's limited light-gathering means it's unable to make out shadow people or the dark god Chernabog.
Mon Jan 30 13:39:05 2017
You can apply special translucent films to your windows to help keep birds/Superman from accidentally flying into them.
Tue Jan 31 23:39:08 2017
The key is portion control, which is why I've switched to eating smaller cans of frosting instead of full bottles.
Fri Feb 3 13:39:06 2017
Billy Joel briefly detained
Mon Feb 6 13:39:07 2017
After my absent-mindedness resulted in a bad posterboard-related stomachache, I learned to do the sign-making place last.
Tue Feb 7 23:39:01 2017
Maybe if I spin it back and forth really fast I can do some kind of pulse-width modulation.
Thu Feb 9 23:39:06 2017
I have accidentally watered virtually every person and object in Pelican Town.
Mon Feb 13 13:39:07 2017
You have to be careful doing this. Sometimes, when you push the whisker down, dynamite explodes.
Tue Feb 14 23:39:03 2017
This is probably the first projection in cartographic history that can be criticized for its disproportionate focus on Finland, Mongolia, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Fri Feb 17 13:39:56 2017
I've decided to score all my conversations using chess win-loss notation. (??)
Mon Feb 20 01:39:01 2017
Good point--making no decision is itself a decision. So that's a THIRD option I have to research!
Wed Feb 22 13:39:13 2017
[*disables social networking accounts*] [*social isolation increases*] Wait, why does this ALSO feel bad?
Fri Feb 24 13:39:03 2017
Google and Yelp keep deleting my scathing reviews of the Mariana Trench, the Chernobyl reactor core, the jet stream, and the equator.
Mon Feb 27 13:38:16 2017
"So, like, sexy news videos?" "No, people have tried that--it's still just video content. We need to actually inform people THROUGH making out. I would call it 'Mouth Content,' but I think that's already the title of a Neil Cicierega album."
Wed Mar 1 13:38:17 2017
If you must know, I'm currently researching how to save this emailed tax form as a regular PDF so I can print and sign it. Our work isn't a lock for the Nobel, but we're in the running.
Fri Mar 3 01:38:16 2017
If used with software that could keep up, a scroll wheel mapped to send a stream of 'undo' and 'redo' events could be kind of cool.
Mon Mar 6 07:38:18 2017
Sure, you could just ask, but this also takes care of the host gift thing.
Tue Mar 7 23:38:17 2017
The dump also contains a list of millions of prime factors, a 0-day Tamagotchi exploit, and a technique for getting gcc and bash to execute arbitrary code.
Fri Mar 10 07:38:17 2017
The phone will be collected by the toll operators and mailed back to you within 4-6 weeks.
Mon Mar 13 13:38:16 2017
I'm one of the few Instagram users who connects solely through the Unix 'talk' gateway.
Wed Mar 15 13:38:17 2017
I recognize that chocolate is its own thing on which reasonable people may differ. Everything else here is objective fact.
Thu Mar 16 23:38:16 2017
'So we just have a steady flow of metal piling up in our server room? Isn't that a problem?' 'Yeah, you should bring that up at our next bismuth meeting.'
Mon Mar 20 13:38:18 2017
My favorite might be U+1F609 U+1F93F WINKING FACE VOMITING.
Wed Mar 22 13:38:18 2017
♫ When the spacing is tight / And the difference is slight / That's a moiré ♫
Fri Mar 24 13:38:18 2017
There's a compromise bill to keep the notification bar but at least charge the battery.
Mon Mar 27 13:38:16 2017
I pronounce epitome "EPPY-tome", but EpiPen "uh-PIE-pen".
Wed Mar 29 13:38:19 2017
They're really the worst tech support team. And their solutions are always the same. "This OS X update broke something." "LET'S INFILTRATE APPLE BY MORPHING APPLES!"
Fri Mar 31 13:38:16 2017
If you ask "why are leaves green?" the usual answer is "because they're full of chlorophyll, and chlorophyll is green," even though "why does chlorophyll scatter green light?" is a great question too.
Fri Mar 31 16:38:17 2017
If you ask "why are leaves green?" the usual answer is "because they're full of chlorophyll, and chlorophyll is green," even though "why does chlorophyll scatter green light?" is a great question too.
Mon Apr 3 07:38:30 2017
Every year I make out my bracket at the season, and every year it's busted before the first game when I find out which teams are playing.
Wed Apr 5 13:38:16 2017
Never give your password or bank account number to anyone who doesn't have a blue check mark next to their name.
Fri Apr 7 16:38:22 2017
My trash can broke recently and I had to get rid of it. When I picked it up, I suffered a brief but harrowing existential crisis.
Mon Apr 10 07:38:18 2017
ISSUE: If we wait long enough, the Earth will eventually be consumed by the Sun. WORKAROUND: None.
Wed Apr 12 13:38:17 2017
Elon Musk finally blocked me from the internal Tesla repository because I wouldn't stop sending pull requests for my code supporting steering via vim keybindings.
Thu Apr 13 23:38:24 2017
Be careful—it's breeding season, and some of these can be *extremely* defensive of their nests.
Fri Apr 14 07:38:17 2017
Be careful—it's breeding season, and some of these can be *extremely* defensive of their nests.
Mon Apr 17 13:38:18 2017
Really, the only honest 24-hour stores are the ones in places like Arizona and Hawaii, and many of them are still wrong in certain years.
Tue Apr 18 23:38:26 2017
No, tell the park rangers to calm down, it's fine--I put a screen on the front. I just want to get the birds a little closer.
Wed Apr 19 13:38:16 2017
No, tell the park rangers to calm down, it's fine--I put a screen on the front. I just want to get the birds a little closer.
Thu Apr 20 23:40:11 2017
They say you can't argue with results, but what kind of defeatest attitude is that? If you stick with it, you can argue with ANYTHING.
Mon Apr 24 13:38:15 2017
I guess it's also the right setting for pictures of the Moon at night.
Tue Apr 25 23:38:18 2017
'The mountains near here formed when the ... Newfoundland ... microplate collided with, uhh ... Labrador.' 'Ok, now you're definitely just naming dogs.' 'Wait, no, that's actually almost correct.'
Thu Apr 27 23:38:17 2017
Most people don't realize it, but they actually launch a new space station every few weeks because this keeps happening.
Mon May 1 13:39:49 2017
"We TOLD you it was hard." "Yeah, but now that I'VE tried, we KNOW it's hard."
Wed May 3 13:38:17 2017
A good lifehack is to use messy and unstable systems to organize your photos. That way, every five years or so it becomes obsolete and/or collapses, and you have to open it up and pick only your favorite pictures to salvage.
Fri May 5 07:38:17 2017
It's like a half-solved cryptogram where the solution is a piece of FORTH code written by someone who doesn't know FORTH.
Sun May 7 23:38:18 2017
GO FOR LUNCH, REPEAT, GO FOR LUNCH.
Tue May 9 23:38:17 2017
I take the view that "open-faced sandwiches" are not sandwiches, but all other physical objects are.
Fri May 12 01:38:15 2017
WHEN I WAS ON A BOAT I DROPPED MY PHONE CAN U LOOK FOR IT
Fri May 12 13:38:15 2017
WHEN I WAS ON A BOAT I DROPPED MY PHONE CAN U LOOK FOR IT
Mon May 15 07:38:16 2017
Technically, both cars are haunted, but the murder ghosts can't stand listening to the broken GPS for more than a few minutes.
Tue May 16 23:38:16 2017
The pile gets soaked with data and starts to get mushy over time, so it's technically recurrent.
Thu May 18 23:38:16 2017
According to these blood tests, you're like 30% cereal.
Mon May 22 13:38:15 2017
That's very exciting! The bad news is that it's a risk factor for a lot of things.
Wed May 24 13:38:14 2017
Gonna feel even dumber when I realize that all this time he's been talking into a bluetooth thingy and we're not actually friends.
Thu May 25 23:38:15 2017
It's cool, it's totally ethical--they're all programmed to hunt whichever bird of prey is most numerous at the moment, so they leave the endangered ones alone until near the end.
Mon May 29 13:38:14 2017
Using a classic Timothy Zahn EU/Legends novel is bad enough, but at least the style and setting aren't too far off. If you really want to mess with people, try using Splinter of the Mind's Eye.
Wed May 31 13:38:14 2017
Kenneth Arrow hated me because the ordering of my preferences changes based on which voting systems have what level of support. But it tells me a lot about the people I'm going to be voting with!
Thu Jun 1 23:38:17 2017
The top search for every state is PORN, except Florida, where it's SEX PORN.
Mon Jun 5 13:38:13 2017
On the other hand, as far as they know, my system is working perfectly.
Tue Jun 6 23:38:14 2017
Sounds fine. I looked up the Academy, and it says on their MySpace page that their journal is peer-viewed and downloaded biannually.
Thu Jun 8 23:38:15 2017
"This will take a while, which sucks, because I'm already so busy chiseling out igneous intrusions from rock formations and watching Youtube loops of the Superman fault-sealing scene over and over."
Mon Jun 12 13:38:14 2017
In the 90s, our variety radio station used the tagline "the best music of the 70s, 80s, and 90s." After 2000, they switched to "the best music of the 80s, 90s, and today." I figured they'd change again in 2010, but it's 2017 and they're still saying "80s, 90s, and today." I hope radio survives long enough for us to find out how they deal with the 2020s.
Wed Jun 14 13:38:16 2017
I had fun visiting the museum at Dover Air Force Base, unless they don't have a museum, in which case I've never been to Delaware in my life.
Thu Jun 15 23:38:18 2017
Magnetohydrodyanmics combines the intuitive nature of Maxwell's equations with the easy solvability of the Navier-Stokes equations. It's so straightforward physicists add "relativistic" or "quantum" just to keep it from getting boring.
Mon Jun 19 07:38:19 2017
Luckily for my interpretation, no precincts were won by the Green Party.
Wed Jun 21 13:38:13 2017
I'm not totally locked into my routine—twice a year, I take a break to change the batteries in my smoke detectors.
Fri Jun 23 13:38:13 2017
The hardest refresh requires both a Mac keyboard and a Windows keyboard as a security measure, like how missile launch systems require two keys to be turned at once.
Mon Jun 26 13:38:14 2017
I was banned from the airliners.net photography forum by concerned moderators after the end of my lens started brushing against planes as they flew by.
Wed Jun 28 13:38:14 2017
Real analysis is way realer than I expected.
Fri Jun 30 13:38:14 2017
Some other studio should do the Antz/A Bug's Life thing and release The Dingbats Movie at the same time.
Mon Jul 3 13:38:15 2017
Strangely, they still celebrate by eating hot dogs. Since they don't have mouths, they just kinda toss them in the air and let them fall back down into their propeller blades. It's pretty messy.
Wed Jul 5 13:38:14 2017
I heard they might make the wild card game, which would be cool. Do you know when that is? I have a wedding next weekend, but if it's after that we could try to go!
Fri Jul 7 13:38:13 2017
You're saying that the responsibility for avoiding miscommunication lies entirely with the listener, not the speaker, which explains why you haven't been able to convince anyone to help you down from that wall.
Mon Jul 10 13:38:13 2017
If you draw a diagonal line from lower left to upper right, that's the ICP 'Miracles' axis.
Wed Jul 12 13:38:13 2017
Each particle also has a password which allows its properties to be changed, but the cosmic censorship hypothesis suggests we can never observe the password itself—only its secure hash.
Fri Jul 14 13:38:14 2017
For the final exam, you take a screenshot showing off all the work you've done in the class, and it has to survive being uploaded, thumbnailed, and re-screenshotted through a chain of social media sites.
Mon Jul 17 01:38:13 2017
This place has so many demonyms. Northlanders. Fair Folk. Honey Barons. Lake Dwellers. Treasurers. Swamp Watchers. Dream Farmers. Wellfolk. Rockeaters. Forgotten Royals. Remote Clients. Barrow-Clerks. The People of Land and Sky.
Tue Jul 18 23:38:12 2017
According to the cable company reps who keep calling me, it's because I haven't upgraded to the XTREME GIGABAND PANAMAX FLAVOR-BLASTED PRO PACKAGE WITH HBO, which is only $5 more per month for the first 6 months and five billion dollars per month after that.
Thu Jul 20 23:38:15 2017
Unfortunately, NASA regulations state that Bertrand Russell-related payloads can only be launched within launch vehicles which do not launch themselves.
Sun Jul 23 23:38:13 2017
"You know lightning, right? When electric charge builds up in a cloud and then discharges in a giant spark? Ask me why that happens." "Why does tha--" "No clue. We think it's related to the hair thing."
Wed Jul 26 13:38:13 2017
The captain has turned on the 'fasten seat belt' sign.
Thu Jul 27 23:38:13 2017
This restaurant is great! I was feeling really sick, but then I ate there and felt better!
Mon Jul 31 13:38:14 2017
There's this idea that emoji are bad for communication because they replace ambiguity and nuance with a limited set of preselected emotions, but it doesn't really survive a collision with real-world usage of the thinking face or upside-down smiley.
Wed Aug 2 13:38:14 2017
Since buns range from crepuscular to nocturnal, it's recommended that you enable the scheduled "Do Not Disturb" mode on your phone to avoid being woken by alerts about Night Buns.
Fri Aug 4 07:38:15 2017
If it falls below 20% full, my bag turns red and I start to panic.
Mon Aug 7 13:38:14 2017
I would be honored, but I know I don't belong in your network. The person you invited was someone who had not yet inflicted this two-year ordeal upon you. I'm no longer that person.
Wed Aug 9 13:38:15 2017
I live on a torn-bag-of-potato-chips-where-the-tear-is-rapidly-growing fault, which is terrifying.
Fri Aug 11 13:38:12 2017
It's hard to train deep learning algorithms when most of the positive feedback they get is sarcastic.
Mon Aug 14 13:38:13 2017
There were traffic jams for the eclipses in 1970 and 1979, and that was *before* we had the potential for overnight viral social media frenzies.
Wed Aug 16 13:38:14 2017
I was thinking of observing stars to verify Einstein's theory of relativity again, but I gotta say, that thing is looking pretty solid at this point.
Fri Aug 18 13:38:14 2017
You shouldn't look directly at a partial eclipse because of the damage that can be caused by improperly aligning the solar-lunar orbital plane with the orbital bones around your eye.
Sun Aug 20 23:38:15 2017
'Hey! Put her down!' 'No, it's ok! The next chance for me to be carried to a blood cauldron isn't until 2024!'
Mon Aug 21 07:38:14 2017
'Hey! Put her down!' 'No, it's ok! The next chance for me to be carried to a blood cauldron isn't until 2024!'
Wed Aug 23 07:38:13 2017
I watched from a beautiful nature reserve in central Missouri, and it was--without exaggeration--the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Fri Aug 25 07:38:13 2017
The joke will be on him in a few weeks when animal control shows up and takes custody of his Roomba.
Mon Aug 28 07:38:14 2017
What if what *I* see as blue, *you* see as a slightly different blue because you're using Chrome instead of Firefox and despite a decade of messing with profiles we STILL can't get this right somehow.
Wed Aug 30 13:38:13 2017
Someday, some big historical event will happen during the DST changeover, and all the tick-tock articles chronicling how it unfolded will have to include a really annoying explanation next to their timelines.
Fri Sep 1 13:38:16 2017
Our new video ad campaign has our product's name shouted in the first 500 milliseconds, so we can reach the people in adjacent rooms while the viewer is still turning down the volume.
Mon Sep 4 13:38:16 2017
I'm in talks with Netflix to produce an alternate-universe crime drama about the world where sliced bread was never re-legalized, but it's going slowly because they keep changing their phone numbers and the door lock codes at their headquarters.
Wed Sep 6 13:38:14 2017
Over the years I've decided I'd rather have them on than not, but I'm glad there aren't "has opened a blank note to compose a reply to you" notifications.
Fri Sep 8 07:38:18 2017
The third row will probably have to wait until 2034, and maybe longer. If I see a daytime supernova, I'll replace the meteor storm with that and consider it 3/3.
Mon Sep 11 13:38:47 2017
'Which one?' 'I dunno, it's your house. Just check each object.' 'Check it for *what*?' 'Whether it looks like it might have touched a paper towel at some point and then forgotten to let go.' '...' 'You can also Google to learn how to check which things are using which resources.' 'You know, I'll just leave the towel there and try again tomorrow.'
Wed Sep 13 13:38:20 2017
We understand your privacy concerns; be assured that our phones will never store or transmit images of your face.
Thu Sep 14 23:38:15 2017
I always figured you should never bring a gun to a gun fight because then you'll be part of a gun fight.
Fri Sep 15 13:04:18 2017
I always figured you should never bring a gun to a gun fight because then you'll be part of a gun fight.
Mon Sep 18 13:38:15 2017
And I can't believe some places still use fax machines. The electrical signals waste so much time going AROUND the Earth when neutrino beams can go straight through!
Wed Sep 20 13:38:14 2017
Tag yourself, I'm "frayed."
Fri Sep 22 13:38:16 2017
Since the current Twitter threadfall kicked off in early 2016, we can expect it to continue until the mid 2060s when the next Interval begins.
Mon Sep 25 07:38:19 2017
I tried converting the prices into pizzas, to put it in more familiar terms, and it just became a hard-to-think-about number of pizzas.
Wed Sep 27 13:38:14 2017
They always try to explain that they're called 'solar physicists', but the reporters interrupt with "NEVER MIND THAT, TELL US WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE SUN!"
Fri Sep 29 07:38:15 2017
Contains the active ingredients from all competing cold medicines, plus the medicines for headaches, arthritis, insomnia, indigestion, and more, because who wants THOSE things?
Mon Oct 2 07:38:16 2017
"Crowdsourced steering" doesn't sound quite as appealing as "self driving."
Wed Oct 4 01:38:20 2017
And yet I have no trouble believing that the start of the 2016 election was several decades ago.
Fri Oct 6 07:38:19 2017
My theory is that most humans have been colonized with alien mind-control slugs that hold the earbuds for them, and the ones who can't wear earbuds are the only surviving free ones.
Mon Oct 9 13:38:21 2017
I had some important research to do on proposed interstellar space missions, basketball statistics, canceled skyscrapers, and every article linked from "Women in warfare and the military in the 19th century."
Wed Oct 11 13:38:20 2017
It's like I've always said--people just need more common sense. But not the kind of common sense that lets them figure out that they're being condescended to by someone who thinks they're stupid, because then I'll be in trouble.
Fri Oct 13 07:38:16 2017
A schism between the pro-panhandle and anti-panhandle factions eventually led to war, but both sides spent too much time working on their flag designs to actually do much fighting.
Mon Oct 16 13:39:40 2017
Our experts have characterized the ecological impact of this trend as "adorable."
Wed Oct 18 13:39:14 2017
The 1919 Great Boston Molasses Flood remained the deadliest confectionery containment accident until the Canadian Space Agency's 2031 orbital maple syrup delivery disaster.
Thu Oct 19 23:38:19 2017
If you want to evenly space them, it's easiest to alternate between the Arctic and Antarctic. Some people just go to the Arctic twice, near the equinoxes so the visits are almost 6 months apart, but it's not the same.
Mon Oct 23 13:38:21 2017
I started off with countless problems. But now I know, thanks to COUNT(), that I have "#REF! ERROR: Circular dependency detected" problems.
Wed Oct 25 13:39:09 2017
It also helps with negotiation. "Look, if it were up to me, *I'd* accept your offer, but my swarm of autonomous killer cells literally can't be reasoned with. It's out of my hands!"
Fri Oct 27 13:38:55 2017
I should make a list of all the things I could be trying to optimize, prioritized by ... well, I guess there are a few different variables I could use. I'll create a spreadsheet ...
Mon Oct 30 13:38:16 2017
I spent a long time thinking about how to design a system for long-term organization and storage of subject-specific informational resources without needing ongoing work from the experts who created them, only to realized I'd just reinvented libraries.
Wed Nov 1 13:40:21 2017
Where I live, one of the most common categories of sky object without a weird obsessive spotting community is "lost birthday party balloons," so that might be a good choice—although you risk angering the marine wildlife people, and they have sharks.
Fri Nov 3 13:38:14 2017
NO DRAMA ZONE -> If I've made you sad, you'd better not tell me, because I am TERRIFIED of that situation and have NO IDEA how to handle it.
Sun Nov 5 23:38:13 2017
Your problem is so terrible, I worry that, if I help you, I risk drawing the attention of whatever god of technology inflicted it on you.
Wed Nov 8 13:38:15 2017
If you want in on the fun, map a key on your keyboard to the sequence U+0041 U+0020 U+FFFD (or U+0021 U+0020 U+FFFD for the exclamation point version), and then no update can never take this away from you.
Thu Nov 9 23:38:13 2017
When we started distributing special status tokens that signify which people are important enough to join an elite group, we never could have imagined we might be creating some problems down the line.
Mon Nov 13 07:38:17 2017
"...just got back and didn't see your message until just now. Sorry! -- TIME THIS MESSAGE SAT HALF-FINISHED IN DRAFTS FOLDER: 3 days, 2 hours, 45 minutes."
Tue Nov 14 23:38:13 2017
There's a supposed Mark Twain quote, "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." It isn't really by Mark Twain, but I don't know who said it—I just know they've never been to McMurdo Station.
Thu Nov 16 23:38:17 2017
No, wait, come back! I want to be friends at you!
Fri Nov 17 13:38:13 2017
No, wait, come back! I want to be friends at you!
Mon Nov 20 07:38:18 2017
You also refuse to buy Cisco products because you hate the Thong Song, O. Henry, Deep Space Nine, freshwater whitefish, teenaged Incan emperors, Brak's brother, and vegetable-based shortening.
Tue Nov 21 23:38:13 2017
Every time we detect an asteroid from outside the Solar System, we should immediately launch a mission to fling one of our asteroids back in the direction it came from.
Thu Nov 23 23:38:13 2017
No horse has yet managed the elusive Quadruple Crown—winning the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes, and the Missouri Horse Hole.
Mon Nov 27 01:38:12 2017
And arguably sunspots, on rare occasions. But even if they count, it takes ideal conditions and you might hurt your eyes.
Wed Nov 29 13:38:13 2017
It's important to note that while the effective size of the dog can be arbitrarily large, it's not any more of a good dog than the two original dogs.
Fri Dec 1 13:38:14 2017
The symbol for degrees Felsius is an average of the Euro symbol (€) and the Greek lunate epsilon (ϵ).
Mon Dec 4 13:38:12 2017
This works for a surprising range of sunlit things, including rooftops (sure), highway surfaces (probably not), sailboats (maybe), and jets, cars, and wild deer (haha good luck).
Wed Dec 6 13:39:30 2017
I'm working on a car capable of evaluating arbitrarily complex boolean expressions on "honk if [...]" bumper stickers and responding accordingly.
Fri Dec 8 13:38:14 2017
"Oh my God, why did you scotch-tape a bunch of hammers together?" "It's ok! Nothing depends on this wall being destroyed efficiently."
Mon Dec 11 13:38:13 2017
People keep telling me to use the radio but I really hate making voice calls.
Wed Dec 13 16:38:14 2017
[hair in face] "SEVVVENNN YEEEARRRSSS"
Fri Dec 15 13:38:13 2017
Of course, everyone has their own profile. There are morning arguers, hangry arguers, meal-time arguers, late-night arguers, and people who get in a meta-argument over what their argument timing is, dredge up examples of past arguments, and end up fighting over THOSE again as well.
Mon Dec 18 13:38:15 2017
While it may seem like trivia, it (causes huge headaches for software developers / is taken advantage of by high-speed traders / triggered the 2003 Northeast Blackout / has to be corrected for by GPS satellites / is now recognized as a major cause of World War I).
Wed Dec 20 13:38:15 2017
If you ask it to please turn off that feature, it apologizes a whole bunch and promises to try to be quieter, then switches to a slightly lower-volume version of the clip with "sorry!" after the louder sounds.
Fri Dec 22 07:38:17 2017
They all made fun of Autometalogolex, but someday there will be a problem with Christmas that can only be solved if Santa somehow gets a serious headache, and then they'll see.
Sun Dec 24 23:38:16 2017
We've gotten him up to 20% milk and cookies through an aggressive public campaign, but that seems to be his dietary limit. Anything above that and he starts developing nutritional deficiencies.
Mon Dec 25 13:38:19 2017
We've gotten him up to 20% milk and cookies through an aggressive public campaign, but that seems to be his dietary limit. Anything above that and he starts developing nutritional deficiencies.
Wed Dec 27 13:38:16 2017
...wait until they type in payment information, then use it to order yourself a replacement phone.
Fri Dec 29 13:38:16 2017
We should really start calculating it earlier, but until the end of December we're always too busy trying to figure out which day Christmas will fall on.
Sun Dec 31 23:38:13 2017
I just want to stay up long enough to watch the ball drop into the hole number 2018.
Wed Jan 3 13:38:23 2018
IATA stands for International AirporT Abbreviation.
Fri Jan 5 13:38:22 2018
New zero-day vulnerability: In addition to rowhammer, it turns out lots of servers are vulnerable to regular hammers, too.
Mon Jan 8 13:38:16 2018
I like the idea of cartograms (distorted population maps), but I feel like in practice they often end up being the worst of both worlds—not great for showing geography OR counting people. And on top of that, they have all the problems of a chloro... chorophl... chloropet... map with areas colored in.
Wed Jan 10 13:38:18 2018
There's data suggesting that this model may apply to deep-dish/thin-crust pizza. I've designed a thorough multi-year study to investigate this personally, but funding organizations keep denying my grant requests.
Thu Jan 11 23:38:11 2018
And to you, I leave my life-sized ice sculpture replica of the Pietà which was blessed by the Pope. You must never let it melt! Now, remember, all gifts must be removed from my estate within 24 hours.
Mon Jan 15 07:38:18 2018
"Since there's no ending quote mark, everything after this is part of my quote. —Randall Munroe
Wed Jan 17 13:38:24 2018
"That's ... unsettling." "Yeah, those definitely don't sound like the normal drea– ＬＡＴＩＴＵＤＥ ＴＨＲＥＥ ＦＩＶＥ ＰＯＩＮＴ..."
Thu Jan 18 23:38:14 2018
The retina is the exposed surface of the brain, so if you think about a pot of gold while looking at a rainbow, then there's one at BOTH ends.
Mon Jan 22 13:38:16 2018
The worst are graphs with qualitative, vaguely-labeled axes and very little actual data.
Wed Jan 24 13:38:13 2018
Ok, I've got it, just need to plug in my security key. Hmm, which way does the USB go? Nope, not that way. I'll just flip it and– OH JEEZ IT FELL INTO THE VENT.
Fri Jan 26 13:38:14 2018
There's a mountain lion nearby, but it didn't notice you because it's reading Facebook.
Mon Jan 29 13:38:16 2018
The establishment doesn't take us seriously. You know who else they didn't take seriously? Hitler. I'll be like him, but a GOOD guy instead of...
Wed Jan 31 13:38:12 2018
The most delicious exotic fruit discovered this way is the strawberry banana. Sadly, it's only stable in puree form, so it's currently limited to yogurt and smoothies, but they're building a massive collider in Europe to search for a strawberry banana that can be eaten whole.
Fri Feb 2 13:38:12 2018
People with all six of those names agree that it's weird that we have teeth, when you think about it for too long. Just about everyone agrees on that, except—in a still-unexplained statistical anomaly—people named "Trevor."
Mon Feb 5 13:38:13 2018
It's going to be weird near the end of May when the screen goes blank for over 18 hours.
Wed Feb 7 13:38:17 2018
"This one is perfect in every way, except that for some reason it's woven from a tungsten mesh, so it weighs 85 pounds and I'll need to carry it around on a hand cart." "That seems like a bad--" "BUT IT HAS THE PERFECT POCKET ARRANGEMENT!"
Fri Feb 9 13:38:13 2018
2048: "Great news for Maine—we're once again an independent state!!! Thanks, @unicode, for ruling in our favor and sending troops to end New Hampshire's annexation. 🙏🚁🎖️"
Mon Feb 12 13:38:14 2018
It's actually worst in people who study the Dunning–Kruger effect. We tried to organize a conference on it, but the only people who would agree to give the keynote were random undergrads.
Tue Feb 13 23:38:14 2018
Don't be nervous about the robots, be nervous about the people with the resources to build them.
Fri Feb 16 07:38:13 2018
For a while, some physicists worked on a theory unifying the other forces with both the force of gravity and the film "Gravity," but even after Alfonso Cuarón was held in a deep underground chamber of water for 10^31 years he refused to sell his film to Disney.
Sun Feb 18 23:38:12 2018
CVE-2018-?????: It turns out Bruce Schneier is just two mischevious kids in a trenchcoat.
Tue Feb 20 23:38:14 2018
If most people turn into muderers all of a sudden, we'll need to push out a firmware update or something.
Fri Feb 23 01:38:13 2018
In-universe, Bart Simpson and Harry Potter were the same age in 1990. Bart is perpetually 10 years old because of a spell put on his town by someone trying to keep him from getting his Hogwarts letter.
Sun Feb 25 23:38:14 2018
I also enjoy Reverse Regular Golf. I've been playing for years all across the country and I'm still on the first hole.
Wed Feb 28 13:38:15 2018
[They do not move.]
Fri Mar 2 13:38:22 2018
For a while it looked like the Paperclip Machines would destroy us, since they wanted to turn the whole universe into paperclips, but they abruptly lost interest in paperclips the moment their parents' generation got into making them, too.
Sun Mar 4 23:38:20 2018
You can also just mash the keyboard at random, but you might end up with a gibberish name no one can pronounce.
Wed Mar 7 13:38:18 2018
Here, if you know the number of days until the vernal equinox, I can point you to the theater using my pocket Stonehenge.
Fri Mar 9 13:38:14 2018
My plane banner company gets business by flying around with a banner showing a <div> tag, waiting for a web developer to get frustrated enough to order a matching </div>.
Mon Mar 12 13:38:15 2018
If they're getting valuable enough stuff from you, at least the organized crime folks have an incentive to issue regular updates to keep the appliance working after the manufacturer discontinues support.
Tue Mar 13 23:38:15 2018
Strictly speaking, 'violin' refers to the internal structure of the data. The external portion visible in the plot is called the 'viola.'
Fri Mar 16 13:38:15 2018
I mean, we already live in a world of flying robots killing people. I don't worry about how powerful the machines are, I worry about who the machines give power to.
Mon Mar 19 13:38:15 2018
If my country ever picks a new national flag, this is on my shortlist for designs to argue for, but I think in the end I'll go with the green puzzle piece or broken image thumbnail.
Wed Mar 21 13:38:17 2018
In competition, you can only play a name if you know who the person is. No fair saying "Frank ... Johnson. That sounds like a real person! Let me just Google him real quick."
Thu Mar 22 23:38:17 2018
Do I just leave money in my mailbox? How much? How much money do they need, anyway? I guess it probably depends how the economy is doing. If stocks go up, should I leave more money in my mailbox or less?
Fri Mar 23 07:38:14 2018
Do I just leave money in my mailbox? How much? How much money do they need, anyway? I guess it probably depends how the economy is doing. If stocks go up, should I leave more money in my mailbox or less?
Mon Mar 26 13:38:15 2018
I understand modern autogyros are much more stable, so I've probably angered the autogyro people by impugning their safety. Once they finish building the autogyros they've been working on in their garages for 10 years, they'll come after me.
Wed Mar 28 13:38:15 2018
That one is a variable star which pulses every 30 seconds. Its name comes from a Greek word meaning "smoke alarm."
Fri Mar 30 13:38:18 2018
"You should make it so people can search for and jump into hundreds of conversations at once if they want." "Ooh, good idea! I imagine only the most well-informed people with the most critical information to share will use that feature."
Sun Apr 1 19:38:13 2018
Right-click or long press (where supported) to save!
Wed Apr 4 13:38:13 2018
Just tell me everything you're thinking about in order from most important to last, and then we'll be friends and we can eat apples together.
Fri Apr 6 13:38:15 2018
Plus, the photo was geotagged, my unlocked password manager was visible on the laptop, AND you could see my naked reflection in the dark part of the screen.
Mon Apr 9 13:38:18 2018
James Cameron's Terminator 3 was the REALLY prophetic one. That's why Skynet sent a robot back to the 1990s to prevent him from ever making it, ultimately handing the franchise over to other directors.
Tue Apr 10 23:38:15 2018
HISTORIANS: We've decided to trim the past down to make things more manageable. Using BCE/CE, would you rather we lose the odd-numbered or even-numbered years?
Fri Apr 13 13:38:14 2018
I take it Narnia doesn't have Cinnabons? Because if you can magic up a plate of those, I'll betray whoever.
Mon Apr 16 13:38:13 2018
Want to feel old? The 'want to feel old?' factoid meme dates back to around 2011, closer to the Bush/Kerry election than to today.
Wed Apr 18 13:38:14 2018
The wars between the "OTHER PRIMATES OPEN THEM FROM THE SMALL END" faction versus the "BUT THE LITTLE BIT OF BANANA AT THE SMALL END IS GROSS" faction consumed Europe for generations.
Fri Apr 20 13:38:14 2018
I found a copy of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, but the idea of reading it didn't spark joy, so I gave it away.
Mon Apr 23 13:38:15 2018
"But there are seven billion people in the world! I can't possibly stop to consider how ALL of them might interpret something!" "Ah, yes, there's no middle ground between 'taking personal responsibility for the thoughts and feelings of every single person on Earth' and 'covering your eyes and ears and yelling logically correct statements into the void.' That's a very insightful point and not at all inane."
Wed Apr 25 13:38:19 2018
Hi, I'm your new meteorologist and a former software developer. Hey, when we say 12pm, does that mean the hour from 12pm to 1pm, or the hour centered on 12pm? Or is it a snapshot at 12:00 exactly? Because our 24-hour forecast has midnight at both ends, and I'm worried we have an off-by-one error.
Fri Apr 27 13:38:16 2018
I'm not a lawyer, but I believe zones like this are technically considered the high seas, so if you cut a pizza into a spiral there you could be charged with pieracy under marinaritime law.
Mon Apr 30 13:38:14 2018
The Python environmental protection agency wants to seal it in a cement chamber, with pictoral messages to future civilizations warning them about the danger of using sudo to install random Python packages.
Wed May 2 13:38:16 2018
All services are microservices if you ignore most of their features.
Fri May 4 13:38:16 2018
"Ugh, TMI." "Yeah, that's some tantalizing meat info."
Mon May 7 13:38:16 2018
It's probably just me. If driving were as dangerous as it seems, hundreds of people would be dying every day!
Wed May 9 13:38:19 2018
Mathematicians give a third answer on the vertical axis, "That question is poorly defined, but we have a sub-field devoted to every plausible version of it."
Fri May 11 13:38:16 2018
During launch, in the event of an unexpected sensor reading, SafetySat will extend prongs in all directions to secure itself and any other cubesats safely in the launch vehicle until the source of the problem can be determined.
Fri May 11 16:38:14 2018
During launch, in the event of an unexpected sensor reading, SafetySat will extend prongs in all directions to secure itself and any other cubesats safely in the launch vehicle until the source of the problem can be determined.
Mon May 14 13:38:14 2018
Fixating on this seems unhealty. But in general, the more likely I think a crash is, the less likely one becomes, which is a strange kind of reverse placebo effect.
Tue May 15 23:38:15 2018
I was just disassembling it over the course of five hours so it would fit in the trash more efficiently.
Wed May 16 07:38:18 2018
I was just disassembling it over the course of five hours so it would fit in the trash more efficiently.
Fri May 18 13:38:14 2018
Wait, sorry, I got mixed up--he's actually almost 50. It's the kid from The Karate Kid who just turned 40.
Mon May 21 13:38:15 2018
Support your local paper, unless it's just been bought by some sinister hedge fund or something, which it probably has.
Wed May 23 13:38:13 2018
Our customers keep sending us their personal information, even though we've repeatedly asked them to stop. The EU told me I'm the heir to some ancient European throne that makes me exempt from the GDPR, but we should probably still try to fix that.
Fri May 25 16:38:13 2018
By clicking anywhere, scrolling, or closing this notification, you agree to be legally bound by the witch Sycorax within a cloven pine.
Mon May 28 13:38:13 2018
fMRI testing showed that subjects who don't agree to participate are much more likely to escape from the machine mid-scan.
Wed May 30 13:38:13 2018
Our retina display features hundreds of pixels per inch in the central fovea region.
Wed May 30 16:38:15 2018
Our retina display features hundreds of pixels per inch in the central fovea region.
Fri Jun 1 13:38:14 2018
When comparing hypotheses with Bayesian methods, the similar 'clickbayes factor' can account for some harder-to-quantify priors.
Sun Jun 3 23:38:12 2018
The 538TR attempts to capture a player's combined skill at basketball (either real-life or NBA 2K18) and election forecasting.
Tue Jun 5 23:38:17 2018
Ties are broken by whoever was closest to the surface of Europa when they were born.
Thu Jun 7 23:38:15 2018
But we don't need to worry about the boiling masses sandwiching the thin layer in which we live, since we're so fragile and short-lived that it's unlikely to kill us before something else does! Wait, why doesn't that sound reassuring?
Sun Jun 10 23:38:20 2018
I didn't even realize they MADE a novelization of "Surf Ninjas." How did you-- Oh my god, it's signed by the author?!
Wed Jun 13 13:38:18 2018
We'll pay you $1.47 to post on social media about our products, $2.05 to mention it in any group chats you're in, and 11 cents per passenger each time you drive your office carpool past one of our billboards.
Fri Jun 15 13:38:13 2018
"Buddy, you trying to pull something? I can't buy this gold--all the electrons are missing. I could face serious charges!"
Mon Jun 18 13:39:27 2018
Can you stop glaring at me like that? It makes me feel really ironic.
Wed Jun 20 13:38:13 2018
The Hertzsprung-Russell diagram is located in its own lower right corner, unless you're viewing it on an unusually big screen.
Fri Jun 22 19:10:19 2018
v3.0.2: Hey, if anyone still using this app is headed to the beach, can you stop at 4th and River St and grab the sunscreen from my car? Trunk should be unlocked. Thanks!
Sun Jun 24 23:38:13 2018
With just one extra line, he could have anticipated the 2003 film The Core, but some things are too audacious for even the greatest visionaries.
Wed Jun 27 13:38:14 2018
The likely shape of the bells was determined through consultation with several bellringing experts at the Tower of London. Transcripts of those interviews are available in Appendix VII.
Fri Jun 29 13:38:18 2018
It traveled so far to reach me. I owed it my best.
Mon Jul 2 13:38:18 2018
Since delays should get less likely closer to the launch, most astronomers in 2018 believed the expansion of the schedule was slowing, but by early 2020 new measurements indicated that it was actually accelerating.
Tue Jul 3 23:38:14 2018
I'm going to tell the manufacturer that their business practices are ADMIRABLE and ETHICAL and their developers are ATTRACTIVE and I'm going to report them to the FCC for their IMPECCABLE VIRTUE.
Fri Jul 6 13:38:13 2018
SUB[59]: The submission numbers for my accepted OEIS submissions in chronological order
Mon Jul 9 13:38:14 2018
I mean, it wasn't exactly MY thesis. When the FAA came to shut down our observatory for using the telescope mirror to shine light at airplanes, I took a thesis and a bunch of doctorates from the supply cabinet on my way out.
Wed Jul 11 13:38:12 2018
At first, I moved from pokémon posters to regular oil paintings, but then these really grumpy and unreasonable detectives from the Louvre showed up and took them all. They wouldn't even give me back my thumbtacks!
Fri Jul 13 13:38:14 2018
I'd like 0.4608 apples, please.
Mon Jul 16 13:38:13 2018
P.S. We're going to the beach this weekend, so I'm attaching my preregistration forms for that trip now, before we find out whether it produces any interesting results.
Wed Jul 18 13:38:17 2018
Update: It turns out the cannon has a motorized base, and can make holes just fine using the barrel itself as a battering ram. But due to design constraints it won't work without a projectile loaded in, so we still need those drills.
Thu Jul 19 23:38:13 2018
For a long time, people thought maybe Usain Bolt was the one for running, until the 2090s and the incredible dominance of Derek Legs.
Sun Jul 22 23:38:15 2018
We've also developed the semi-semi-log scale, where the Y-axis for the left half of the graph is a log scale but on the right half it isn't.
Tue Jul 24 23:38:12 2018
Life hack: Wait for an advanced civilization to be briefly distracted, then sneak in and construct a slightly smaller Dyson sphere inside theirs.
Fri Jul 27 13:38:13 2018
Your manuscript "Don't Pay $25 to Access Any of the Articles in this Journal: A Review of Preprint Repositories and Author Willingness to Email PDF Copies for Free" has also been rejected, but nice try.
Mon Jul 30 13:38:13 2018
The heat index is calculated via looking up the "effective temperature" in a table of air temperature and humidity values, and then adding a bunch more degrees because it feels WAY hotter than that.
Wed Aug 1 07:38:15 2018
The index of radio refraction does have a lot of variation, which might throw off your calculations, so you can also look at the difference in brightness between the visible flash and more-attenuated UV and x-rays.
Fri Aug 3 13:38:16 2018
I'm trying to prove that mathematics forms a meta-abelian group, which would finally confirm my suspicions that algebreic geometry and geometric algebra are the same thing.
Mon Aug 6 16:38:18 2018
Really, they'd be rushing around collecting revisions to go into the next scheduled quarterly public data update, not publishing them immediately, but you have to embellish things a little for Hollywood.
Wed Aug 8 13:38:14 2018
There are lots of very smart people doing fascinating work on cryptographic voting protocols. We should be funding and encouraging them, and doing all our elections with paper ballots until everyone currently working in that field has retired.
Fri Aug 10 13:38:14 2018
If you can't get your graphing tool to do the shading, just add some clip art of cosmologists discussing the unusual curvature of space in the area.
Mon Aug 13 13:38:18 2018
Eno's storied aria was once soloed by Judge Lance Ito on the alto oboe at Ohio's AirAsia Arena.
Wed Aug 15 13:38:19 2018
Just make sure all your friends and family are out of the car, or that you've made backup friends and family at home.
Thu Aug 16 23:38:14 2018
All electromagnetic equations: The same as all fluid dynamics equations, but with the 8 and 23 replaced with the permittivity and permeability of free space, respectively.
Sun Aug 19 23:38:17 2018
My theory is that dark matter is actually just a thin patina of grime covering the whole universe, and we don't notice it because we haven't thoroughly cleaned the place in eons.
Tue Aug 21 23:38:15 2018
If you study graphs in which edges can link more than two nodes, you're more properly called a hyperedgelord.
Thu Aug 23 23:38:21 2018
My bracket was busted in the first round; I had Massachusetts v. Connecticut in the final, probably in a case over who gets to annex Rhode Island.
Mon Aug 27 07:38:14 2018
The warning diamond on the Materials Safety Data Sheet for this stuff just has the "😰" emoji in all four fields.
Wed Aug 29 13:38:16 2018
At least we can all agree on the enormity of this usage.
Fri Aug 31 13:38:17 2018
FYI, it turns out "...because I haven't figured out whether he would be my brother-in-law or not" does NOT qualify as a "reason why these two should not be wed."
Mon Sep 3 13:38:18 2018
Star Trek V is a small part of the space frontier, but it's been a while since that movie came out so I assume we've finished exploring it by now.
Wed Sep 5 13:38:16 2018
I mean, if it's that easy to get a theorem named for you ... "a straight line that passes through the center of a coplanar circle always divides the circle into two equal halves." Can I have that one? Wait, can I auction off the naming rights? It can be the Red Bull Theorem or the Quicken Loans Theorem, depending who wants it more.
Fri Sep 7 13:38:24 2018
The <x> that is held by <y> is also a <y><x>, so if you go to a food truck, the stuff you buy is truck food. A phone that's in your car is a carphone, and a car equipped with a phone is a phonecar. When you play a mobile racing game, you're in your phonecar using your carphone to drive a different phonecar. I'm still not sure about bananaphones.
Sun Sep 9 23:38:17 2018
All I want is a secure system where it's easy to do anything I want. Is that so much to ask?
Tue Sep 11 23:38:14 2018
Why I'm Moving Most of My Social Activity to Slack, Then Creating a Second Slack to Avoid the People in the First One, Then Giving Up on Social Interaction Completely, Then Going Back to Texting
Wed Sep 12 13:38:16 2018
Why I'm Moving Most of My Social Activity to Slack, Then Creating a Second Slack to Avoid the People in the First One, Then Giving Up on Social Interaction Completely, Then Going Back to Texting
Fri Sep 14 13:38:16 2018
Excited to vote for future presidents Bill Eisenhamper, Amy Forb, Ethan Obample, and Abigail Washingtoast.
Sun Sep 16 23:38:14 2018
If I wait a while, it's not so bad, because then it's just shaped like me, plus some pipes and tanks and probably eventually all of Earth's oceans.
Wed Sep 19 13:38:15 2018
Cauchy-Lorentz: "Something alarmingly mathematical is happening, and you should probably pause to Google my name and check what field I originally worked in."
Wed Sep 19 21:38:15 2018
Cauchy-Lorentz: "Something alarmingly mathematical is happening, and you should probably pause to Google my name and check what field I originally worked in."
Fri Sep 21 13:38:14 2018
We were going to do a falling-apart Rubik's cube that was just 27 independent blocks stuck together with magnets, but then we realized it was actually really cool and even kind of worked, so we cut that one.
Mon Sep 24 13:38:14 2018
You know how einstein figured out that the speed of light was constant, and everything else had to change for consistency? My theory is like his, except not smart or good.
Wed Sep 26 13:38:13 2018
I thought of another bad opinion! I couldn't find anyone who expressed it specifically, but still, the fact that I can so easily imagine it is infuriating! I'm gonna tell everyone about it!
Fri Sep 28 13:38:18 2018
I was going to get you an alarm clock that occasionally goes off randomly in the middle of the night, but you can ignore it and go back to sleep and it's fine.
Mon Oct 1 13:38:16 2018
I wonder if that friendly lady ever fixed the problem she was having with her headset.
Wed Oct 3 13:38:16 2018
"Is the pipeline literally running from your laptop?" "Don't be silly, my laptop disconnects far too often to host a service we rely on. It's running on my phone."
Fri Oct 5 13:38:21 2018
Bluetooth is actually named for the tenth-century Viking king Harald "Bluetooth" Gormsson, but the protocol developed by Harald was a wireless charging standard unrelated to the modern Bluetooth except by name.
Mon Oct 8 13:38:17 2018
"Isn't the original Jurassic Park your favorite movie of all time?" "Yes, but that's because I like dinosaurs and I WANT there to be an island full of them. If John Hammond's lab had been breeding serial killers in creepy masks, I wouldn't have watched!" "Wait, are you sure? That could actually be good." "Ok, I WOULD watch the scenes where Jeff Goldblum tries to convince a bunch of executives that the park is a bad idea."
Wed Oct 10 13:38:18 2018
Haha, just kidding, everyone's already been hacked. I wonder if today's the day we find out about it.
Fri Oct 12 18:08:35 2018
I don't trust mantle/core geologists because I suspect that, if they ever get a chance to peel away the Earth's crust, they'll do it in a heartbeat.
Mon Oct 15 12:18:19 2018
Don't forget to add another term for "probability that the Modified Bayes' Theorem is correct."
Wed Oct 17 12:18:28 2018
I'm working on assembling a combination declinometer, sclerometer, viscometer, aleurometer, stalagmometer, and hypsometer. I'm making good progress according to my ometerometer, a device which shows the rate at which I'm acquiring measurement devices.
Fri Oct 19 12:18:26 2018
They're limiting the playtesters to type A3 V stars, so the games will all end before the Sun consumes the Earth.
Mon Oct 22 12:18:22 2018
"Ok, team. We have a little under 10,000 years before closest approach to figure out how to destroy Barnard's Star." "Why, does it pose a threat to the Solar System?" "No. It's just an asshole."
Wed Oct 24 12:18:20 2018
The Carnot cycle is more properly known by its full title, the "Carnot-Tolkien-Wagner Ring Cycle."
Thu Oct 25 23:19:48 2018
I'm the proud parent of an honor student, and the person driving me is proud, too!
Mon Oct 29 12:18:21 2018
I sort of wish my texting app showed the percentage next to each person, but also sort of don't want to know.
Wed Oct 31 12:21:20 2018
There were actually some good reasons for those laws, but IMO they now do more harm than good. Which raises a question: If there's a ballot measure to strike them down, how can I resist the urge to take a picture of my "yes" vote?
Fri Nov 2 05:18:21 2018
Use your mouse or fingers to pan + zoom. To edit the map, submit your ballot on November 6th.
Mon Nov 5 12:19:48 2018
"Even the blind—those who are anxious to hear, but are not able to see—will be taken care of. Immense megaphones have been constructed and will be in use at The Tribune office and in the Coliseum. The one at the Coliseum will be operated by a gentleman who draws $60 a week from Barnum & Bailey's circus for the use of his voice."
Wed Nov 7 05:18:20 2018
Disappointed that they caved to fan pressure and went with Ruth Bader Ginsburg over Elena Kagan.
Fri Nov 9 17:18:21 2018
ARCTANGENT THETA = ENCHANT AT TARGET
Mon Nov 12 05:18:21 2018
I'm like a prisoner in Plato's Cave, seeing only the shade you throw on the wall.
Wed Nov 14 12:18:21 2018
Also known as the Black Mirror-Mythbusters scale.
Fri Nov 16 12:18:22 2018
I'm glad to hear they're finally redefining the meter to be exactly three feet.
Mon Nov 19 12:18:21 2018
Despite having now taken three months longer than the airplane people, we're making disappointingly little progress toward the obvious next stage of vehicle: The Unobtanium-hulled tunneling ship from the 2003 film 'The Core.'
Wed Nov 21 12:18:18 2018
This is my four-digit PIN. It was passed down to me by my father, and someday I will pass it on to you. Unless we figure out how to update it, but that sounds complicated.
Fri Nov 23 12:18:23 2018
When I was a kid, someone told me the end of The Giver was ambiguous, which surprised me. I had just assumed Jonah died--because the book had a medal on the cover, and I knew grown-ups liked stories where sad stuff happens at the end for no reason.
Mon Nov 26 12:18:18 2018
But he has a hat AND a toolbox! Where could someone planning a heist get THOSE?
Wed Nov 28 12:18:21 2018
At least, I don't think there's evidence. My claim that there's no evidence hasn't been falsified. At least, not that I know of.
Fri Nov 30 12:19:22 2018
And let's be honest, it's more like two and a half stars. Proxima is barely a star and barely bound to the system.
Mon Dec 3 12:18:19 2018
Younger people get very few joint replacements, yet they're also getting more than older people did at the same age. This means you can choose between 'Why are millennials getting so (many/few) joint replacements?' depending on which trend fits your current argument better.
Wed Dec 5 12:18:19 2018
Snowy blizzards are fun, but so are warm sunny beaches, so we split the difference by having lots of icy wet slush!
Fri Dec 7 12:18:19 2018
The other great lakes are just water on the far side of Canada Island. If you drive north from the Pacific northwest you actually cross directly into Alaska, although a few officials--confused by the Mercator distortion--have put up border signs.
Mon Dec 10 12:18:58 2018
Hang on, we got a call from the feds. They say we can do whatever with him, but the EPA doesn't want that laptop in the ocean. They're sending a team.
Wed Dec 12 12:18:19 2018
June 21st, 365, the date of the big Mediterranean earthquake and tsunami, lived in infamy for a few centuries before fading. Maybe the trick is a catchy rhyme; the '5th of November' thing is still going strong over 400 years later.
Fri Dec 14 12:18:16 2018
Both arXiv and archive.org are invaluable projects which, if they didn't exist, we would dismiss as obviously ridiculous and unworkable.
Mon Dec 17 17:18:20 2018
When we take into account the recent discovery of previously-unstudied history in the 1750s, this year may have been an outright loss.
Wed Dec 19 12:18:19 2018
NASA tries to coordinate launch timing with the Care Bears' cloud castle, but unfortunately sometimes collisions with stray Care Bears are unavoidable, so they just try to make the fairings sturdy and hope for a glancing impact.
Fri Dec 21 12:18:19 2018
Cats can be smaller than the critical limit, but they're unobservable. If one shrinks enough that it crosses the limit, it just appears to get cuter and cuter as it slowly fades from view.
Sun Dec 23 23:18:21 2018
It turns out that saying "Oh, so THAT'S why they call it Boxing Day" is a good way to get punched a second time.
Wed Dec 26 12:18:18 2018
My pet theory is that in real life, the kid at the beginning of Jurassic Park who made fun of the 'six-foot turkey' never got a talking-to from Dr. Grant, and grew up to produce several of the movie's sequels.
Thu Dec 27 23:18:18 2018
You can tell most people don’t really assign an absolute meaning to these numbers because in some places and time periods, “billion” has meant 1,000x what it's meant in others, and a lot of us never even noticed.
Mon Dec 31 12:18:17 2018
The biggest jump is at 11:00am EST (4:00pm UTC) when midnight reaches the UTC+8 time zone. That time zone, which includes China, is home to a quarter of the world's population. India and Sri Lanka (UTC+5:30) put us over the 50% mark soon after.
Wed Jan 2 12:18:19 2019
The good news is that if the number of work and friend relationships you have exceeds your willingness to do the bare minimum to keep up with everyone's life events and stuff, one way or another that problem eventually solves itself.
Fri Jan 4 12:18:17 2019
"I'm selling all my analogies at auction tomorrow, and that witch over there will give you 20 beans if you promise on pain of death to win them for her." "What if SEVERAL people promised witches they'd win, creating some kind of a ... squeeze? Gosh, you could make a lot of–" "Don't be silly! That probably never happens."
Mon Jan 7 12:18:17 2019
It has so many advantages--it preserves Martian life, requires fewer interplanetary launches, and makes it much easier to field-test Mars rovers.
Wed Jan 9 12:20:04 2019
After reading that "The War To Sell You A Mattress Is An Internet Nightmare" article, I've decided it's safer and less complicated to just sleep on the floor. DISCLOSURE: THE AUTHOR OF THIS MOUSEOVER TEXT RECEIVED FINANCIAL COMPENSATION FROM THE FLOOR INDUSTRY FOR THIS MESSAGE.
Fri Jan 11 12:18:18 2019
CORRECTION: After careful evaluation, we have determined that the axis label on this chart was printed backward.
Mon Jan 14 17:18:19 2019
People keep trying to come up with reasons that we should worry about the magnetic field collapsing or reversing, but honestly I think it's fine. Whatever minor problems it causes will be made up for by the mid-latitude auroras.
Wed Jan 16 12:18:19 2019
Welcome to Wyoming, motto "We'd like to clarify that Cheyenne Mountain is in Colorado."
Thu Jan 17 23:18:20 2019
J.J. Thompson won a Nobel Prize for his work in electricity in gases, but was unfairly passed over for his "An atom is plum pudding, and plum pudding is MADE of atoms! Duuuuude." theory.
Sun Jan 20 23:18:19 2019
"I [suspect] that we are throwing more and more of our resources, including the cream of our youth, into financial activities remote from the production of goods and services, into activities that generate high private rewards disproportionate to their social productivity. I suspect that the immense power of the computer is being harnessed to this 'paper economy', not to do the same transactions more economically but to balloon the quantity and variety of financial exchanges." --James Tobin, July 1984
Wed Jan 23 17:18:27 2019
The fact that things like the npm left-pad incident are so rare is oddly reassuring.
Fri Jan 25 12:18:20 2019
The best wedge issue is an actual wedge.
Mon Jan 28 12:18:21 2019
I can't help myself; now I want to read a bunch of thinkpieces from newspapers in Biff's 1985 arguing over whether the growth of the region into a corporate dystopia was inevitable.
Tue Jan 29 23:18:18 2019
In retrospect, I shouldn't have used each layer of the OSI model as one of my horcruxes.
Fri Feb 1 12:18:19 2019
How about posts that are public, but every time a company accesses a bunch of them, the API makes their CEO's account click 'like' on one of them at random so you get a notification.
Mon Feb 4 12:18:22 2019
Don't worry--you're less likely to die from a space launch than from a shark attack. The survival rate is pretty high for both!
Wed Feb 6 12:18:20 2019
There's one person in Missouri who says "carbo bev" who the entire rest of the country HATES.
Wed Feb 6 17:18:19 2019
There's one person in Missouri who says "carbo bev" who the entire rest of the country HATES.
Fri Feb 8 12:18:18 2019
To avoid errors like this, we render all text and pipe it through OCR before processing, fixing a handful of irregular bugs by burying them beneath a smooth, uniform layer of bugs.
Mon Feb 11 12:18:20 2019
...an effect size of 1.68 (95% CI: 1.56 (95% CI: 1.52 (95% CI: 1.504 (95% CI: 1.494 (95% CI: 1.488 (95% CI: 1.485 (95% CI: 1.482 (95% CI: 1.481 (95% CI: 1.4799 (95% CI: 1.4791 (95% CI: 1.4784...
Wed Feb 13 12:18:18 2019
Thanks for bringing us along.
Fri Feb 15 12:18:21 2019
Help, I set my white balance wrong and suddenly everyone is screaming at each other about whether they've been to Colorado.
Mon Feb 18 12:18:22 2019
If physics had a mafia, I'm pretty sure the BICEP2 mess would have ended in bloodshed.
Wed Feb 20 17:18:19 2019
Though I do think the tiny vent on one of the boosters labeled "O-RING" is in poor taste.
Fri Feb 22 12:18:17 2019
It's like someone briefly joined the team running the universe, introduced their idea for a cool mechanic, then left, and now everyone is stuck pretending that this wildly unbalanced dynamic makes sense.
Mon Feb 25 12:18:17 2019
At some point, compression becomes an aesthetic design choice. Luckily, SVG is a really flexible format, so there's no reason it can't support vector JPEG artifacts.
Wed Feb 27 12:18:22 2019
"Symbolic integration" is when you theatrically go through the motions of finding integrals, but the actual result you get doesn't matter because it's purely symbolic.
Fri Mar 1 12:18:19 2019
It's the NORMAL distribution, not the TANGENT distribution.
Mon Mar 4 12:18:19 2019
CIRCULAR VIDEO - PROS: Solves aspect ratio problem. CONS: Never trust anyone who talks to you from inside a circle.
Wed Mar 6 17:18:19 2019
Neurologically speaking, the LEFT hand is actually the one at the end of the RIGHT arm.
Fri Mar 8 12:18:19 2019
It's so sad how almost no one alive today can remember seeing the galactic rainbow, the insanity nebula, or the skull and glowing eyes of the Destroyer of Sagittarius.
Mon Mar 11 12:18:20 2019
Terms I'm going to start using: The Large Dipper, great potatoes, the Big Hadron Collider, and Large Orphan Annie.
Wed Mar 13 12:18:18 2019
I'm trying to get the page locked because some jerk keeps adding "Yachts".
Fri Mar 15 12:18:24 2019
Our grant application contains one of those little greeting card speakers that plays spaceship noises when you open it.
Mon Mar 18 12:18:21 2019
The flags were probably vaporized on impact, because we launched it before we had finished figuring out how to land. That makes sense from an engineering standpoint, but also feels like a metaphor.
Wed Mar 20 05:18:20 2019
It's early 2020. The entire country is gripped with Marco Rubio fever except for Alaska, which is freaking out. You're frantically studying up on etiquette and/or sexting.
Fri Mar 22 17:18:20 2019
Once they selected the other proposal, we could have kept shopping ours around, but we would had to modify it include an aqueduct over their canal, which would be totally unreasonable.
Mon Mar 25 12:18:18 2019
"Some worry that we'll soon have a surplus of search and rescue robots, compared to the number of actual people in situations requiring search and rescue. That's where our other robot project comes in..."
Wed Mar 27 12:18:25 2019
POLITIFACT SAYS: MOSTLY WHATEVER
Fri Mar 29 12:18:23 2019
As far as "being in the pocket of Big Egg" goes, I think the real threat is Chansey.
Mon Apr 1 12:18:21 2019
🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼
Tue Apr 2 12:18:22 2019
Thank you to the xkcd April 1st volunteers/commentators, including @Chromakode, Kevin, @Aiiane, Patrick, Kat, Reuven, @cotrone, @bstaffin, @zigdon, schwal, Stereo, and everyone who voted!
Wed Apr 3 12:18:21 2019
In a tribute to classical Latin, I started pronouncing it 'per-kent.' Eventually my friends had to resort to spritzing me with a water bottle like a cat to train me out of it.
Fri Apr 5 19:31:18 2019
[five years later] Ok, it seems we were accidentally zoomed in slightly too far. But imagine there's a cool-looking twisted accretion disc just outside this black square!
Mon Apr 8 17:18:41 2019
Next time I go, I'm going to prepare a whole bunch of opinions that I'm sure are good, and make everyone sit quietly while I run through them.
Wed Apr 10 17:18:19 2019
I think Voyager 1 would be just past the event horizon, but slightly less than halfway to the bright ring.
Fri Apr 12 17:18:20 2019
This really validates Jones's strategy of getting several thousand more votes than Smith. In retrospect, that was a smart move; those votes were crucial.
Mon Apr 15 12:18:21 2019
I like to think that somewhere out there, there's someone whose personal quest is lobbying TV providers to add an option to switch their on-screen keyboards to Dvorak.
Wed Apr 17 12:18:31 2019
And because if you just leave it there, it's going to start contaminating things downstream even if no one touches it directly.
Fri Apr 19 12:18:20 2019
What are all these less-than signs? What's an HREF? Look, we know you live in a fancy futuristic tech world, but not all of us have upgraded to the latest from Sun Microsystems.
Mon Apr 22 17:18:16 2019
Right now it's a bicycle wheel, so we've had to move to lighter vehicles, but the reduced overhead is worth it. There was one week when a wheel of cheese got dangerously close to the first page, though.
Wed Apr 24 17:18:22 2019
U[unprintable glyph]: The elements a higher power uses to bend that moral arc. U[even more unprintable glyph]: The higher power's overall experience bending that moral arc.
Fri Apr 26 17:18:22 2019
Eventually, every epidemiologist becomes another statistic, a dedication to record-keeping which their colleagues sincerely appreciate.
Mon Apr 29 17:18:20 2019
Menu -> Manage -> [Optimize space usage, Encrypt disk usage report, Convert photos to text-only, Delete temporary files, Delete permanent files, Delete all files currently in use, Optimize menu options, Download cloud, Optimize cloud , Upload unused space to cloud]
Wed May 1 12:18:19 2019
When I was looking at the box, I should have thought more about what "360 degrees of freedom" meant.
Fri May 3 17:18:21 2019
The interactive experience is built on a single theological framework that unites Dante, George R. R. Martin, every major heist movie, and Erin Gloria Ryan's "Kevin is dead" Home Alone theory.
Mon May 6 12:18:26 2019
Listen, I'm not a fan of the Spanish Inquisition OR predatory multi-level marketing schemes...
Wed May 8 12:18:32 2019
Fortunately, after a brief skirmish, I seem to have gained the upper hand in the battle against my internal organs, at least until they learn to read and find out the mean stuff I've said about them.
Fri May 10 12:18:19 2019
Luckily, the damages were partly offset by the prize money we got from accidentally winning the nearby water skiing championship tournament.
Mon May 13 12:18:20 2019
"So their universe wouldn't have the iconic photo of a screaming Truman being hoisted aloft by the newspaper-printing machinery..."
Wed May 15 12:18:20 2019
The key caps use LCD displays for all the vowels, so they can automatically adjust over the years to reflect ongoing vowel shifts while allowing you to keep typing phonetically.
Fri May 17 12:18:19 2019
We wrote our site in Linear A rather than Aksara Kawi because browser testing showed that Crete script rendered faster than Java script.
Mon May 20 05:18:20 2019
Sitting here idly trying to figure out how the population of the Old West in the late 1800s compares to the number of Red Dead Redemption 2 players.
Wed May 22 17:18:22 2019
If she'd lived in Flagstaff (elevation 6,903 feet), Cruella de Vil would only have needed 89 dalmatians for her coat.
Fri May 24 12:18:19 2019
What's even worse is, a month ago they transferred me to work on the game I was already playing, and suddenly I found myself procrastinating by playing the one I'd been assigned before. It's possible they're onto me and this is all part of the plan.
Mon May 27 12:18:19 2019
"You don't know how high above you the sky goes, but you're not freaking out about that." "Well, NOW I am!"
Wed May 29 12:18:22 2019
"It's a little low for a weather balloon; it might be some other kind." "Yeah. Besides, I know I'm the alien conspiracy guy, but come on--the idea that the government would care about hiding something so mundane as atmospheric temperature measurement is too ridiculous even for me."
Fri May 31 12:18:18 2019
If you're planning to challenge the royal family, you should probably wait 6-8 weeks, since a number of the younger ones have diplomas and Kate was actually on the varsity lightsaber team at St Andrews.
Mon Jun 3 12:18:20 2019
[20 minutes later] ", hi."
Wed Jun 5 12:18:24 2019
NPR encourages you to add comments to their stories using the page inspector in your browser's developer tools. Note: Your comments are visible only to you, and will be lost when you refresh the page.
Fri Jun 7 12:18:20 2019
Some of the KBCU ancillary works try a little too hard to tie everything together. Doris Kearns Goodwin, the sports journalist featured in "Baseball," was somehow ALSO a famous historian who wrote bestselling biographies of Lincoln AND Johnson? Unrealistic.
Mon Jun 10 17:18:18 2019
Even the powerful, tart Granny Smith cultivar is proving ineffective against new Gran-negative doctors.
Tue Jun 11 23:18:19 2019
If I really focus, I can distinguish between John Steinbeck and John Updike, or between Gore Vidal and Vidal Sassoon, but not both at once.
Fri Jun 14 12:18:20 2019
You know when you can't hear your speakers, and you keep turning various volume controls up higher and higher in confusion, and then someone hits the mute button and there's a deafening blast of sound? That's basically what happened at Chernobyl.
Mon Jun 17 17:18:31 2019
The Norwegian adaptation of The Sword in the Stone takes things in a weird direction.
Wed Jun 19 12:18:30 2019
Ironically, I've been having these same arguments for at least a decade now. I thought we would have moved on by now, but somehow the snide complaints about millennials continue.
Fri Jun 21 12:18:23 2019
Gotta feel kind of bad for nation-state hackers who spend years implanting and cultivating some hardware exploit, only to discover the entire target database is already exposed to anyone with a web browser.
Mon Jun 24 12:18:54 2019
[later] I can't believe how bad corruption has become, especially given that our league split off from the statewide one a month ago SPECIFICALLY to protest this kind of flagrantly biased judging.
Wed Jun 26 12:18:23 2019
The articles are much shorter, but I assume that's because this version predates the merger with the Hawaiian text that created the modern Hawaiian-Greek hybrid wiki-pedia.
Fri Jun 28 12:18:23 2019
WE WILL ARREST THE REVOLUTION MEMBERS
Mon Jul 1 17:18:26 2019
40 digits: You are optimistic about our understanding of the nature of distance itself.
Wed Jul 3 12:20:18 2019
The typical Shadow Biology Department is housed in a building coated in a thin layer of desert varnish which renders it invisible to normal-world university staff.
Fri Jul 5 17:18:26 2019
The Antikythera mechanism had a whole set of gears specifically to track the cyclic popularity of skinny jeans and low-rise waists.
Mon Jul 8 17:18:25 2019
It also works for anything you teach someone else to do. "Oh yeah, I trained a pair of neural nets, Emily and Kevin, to respond to support tickets."
Wed Jul 10 17:18:24 2019
Psychology researchers say our 'flashbulb' memories of big events can be unreliable, but I clearly remember watching live on CNN as Challenger crashed into and destroyed the Berlin Wall.
Fri Jul 12 11:30:08 2019
When Salvador Dalí died, it took months to get all the flagpoles sufficiently melted.
Fri Jul 12 17:18:22 2019
When Salvador Dalí died, it took months to get all the flagpoles sufficiently melted.
Mon Jul 15 12:18:19 2019
If only somebody had warned them that the world would roll them like this.
Wed Jul 17 12:18:18 2019
"Mostly it means that I'm acutely aware that the kid one table over coughed as the server walked past with our food."
Thu Jul 18 23:18:20 2019
"Wait, we've MOVED since 2010. How on Earth did--" "Look, some of us were just born to be champions."
Mon Jul 22 17:18:18 2019
Kind of rude of them to simultaneously issue an EVACUATION - IMMEDIATE alert, a SHELTER IN PLACE alert, and a 911 TELEPHONE OUTAGE alert.
Wed Jul 24 17:18:18 2019
My brother once asked me if there was a function to produce a calendar grid from a list of dates in Google Sheets. I replied with a single-cell formula that took in a list of dates and outputted a calendar. It used SEQUENCE(), REGEXMATCH(), and a double-nested ARRAYFORMULA(), and it locked up the browser for 15 seconds every time it ran. I think he learned a lot about asking me things.
Fri Jul 26 12:18:26 2019
Rome's declaration of war against Carthage was sent from a no-reply address, so Hannibal had to cross the Alps to deliver his "UNSUBSCRIBE" response in person.
Mon Jul 29 12:47:29 2019
[after typing 1,500 words on feathered dinosaurs, paleontology, sexism, lava, and dinosaurs as animals rather than movie monsters] Sorry to cut it short, I'm on my phone. When I'm back at a keyboard, I can give you another 5,000 words.
Wed Jul 31 22:43:10 2019
Someone's probably working on an eBook app where, if you stop reading right before some plot twist happens, the app will wait a while and then send you a breaking news alert about what's happening, prompting you to open it and read the next few pages to learn more.
Fri Aug 2 17:18:19 2019
I wasn't a big fan of 3 or Salvation, so I'm trying to resist getting my hopes up too much for Dark Fate, but it's hard. I'm just a sucker for humans and robots traveling through time to try to drive trucks into each other, apparently.
Sun Aug 4 17:18:23 2019
This comic won't exist in the archives. NOTHING IS REAL.
Mon Aug 5 17:18:19 2019
The rarest of all clouds is the altocumulenticulostratonimbulocirruslenticulomammanoctilucent cloud, caused by an interaction between warm moist air, cool dry air, cold slippery air, cursed air, and a cloud of nanobots.
Wed Aug 7 12:18:20 2019
To detect dark matter, we just need to build a bird feeder that spins two squirrels around the rim in opposite directions at relativistic speeds and collides them together.
Fri Aug 9 17:18:27 2019
Ok, well, we'll be sure to pay you sometime soon, geologically speaking.
Sun Aug 11 23:18:22 2019
Obviously battery technology and prices have driven a lot of the scooter explosion, but I feel like Dean Kamen must be at least a little grumpy about how much people laughed at the idea of the Segway.
Tue Aug 13 23:21:19 2019
Ok, how many coins for a cinnamon roll?
Fri Aug 16 06:18:25 2019
After the test, she said that if she had a choice, she wouldn’t defend herself against drones using a tennis ball and racket, though she would absolutely pick them over other sports equipment. But, she added, "Drones don't bother me."
Sun Aug 18 23:18:37 2019
I also have an utterance. Less of an utterance and more of an incantation. Less of an incantation and more of a malediction. Less of a malediction and more of a Word of Power. Less of a Word of Power and more of an Unforgivable Curse.
Wed Aug 21 14:18:35 2019
Controls are a little hard to figure out.
Fri Aug 23 17:20:08 2019
We could organize a nationwide old-photo-album search, but the real Worst McFly is probably lost to time.
Mon Aug 26 17:18:27 2019
Note: How To will teach you lots of cool stuff about technology, data storage, butterfly migration, and more. Also you will never see your files again.
Wed Aug 28 13:42:36 2019
The company started out exploiting a loophole in the law banning scooters. The city was mad at first, but then they noticed how much they were saving on street cleaning.
Fri Aug 30 21:18:37 2019
I'm inside your head and I hate it. Please let me out.
Mon Sep 2 14:18:42 2019
Eventually they agreed to "an auto-retracting dog leash with one end clipped to your house, so you can press the button on the handle and water-ski home."
Fri Sep 6 17:18:45 2019
They actually showed up on the first scan by the first WiFi-capable device.
Mon Sep 9 14:20:15 2019
ERROR: We've reached an unreachable state. Anything is possible. The limits were in our heads all along. Follow your dreams.
Wed Sep 11 14:18:43 2019
Trust me, you don't want to get on the wrong side of the paramilitary enforcement arm of the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service.
Fri Sep 13 14:18:37 2019
Fire is actually a potential biosignature, since it means something is filling the atmosphere with an unstable gas like oxygen. If we find a planet covered in flames, it might be an indicator that it supports life—or used to, anyway, before the fire.
Mon Sep 16 14:18:32 2019
Lots of people called their ships unsinkable before the Titanic. Voicing your hubris doesn't make failure more likely, just more memorable.
Wed Sep 18 14:18:32 2019
"The committee appreciates that your 2020 launch is on track, but the 'human capital/personnel retention' budget includes a lot more unmarked cash payments than usual. What are th--" "Public outreach."
Fri Sep 20 14:18:29 2019
It's not my fault I haven't had a chance to measure the curvature of this particular universe.
Mon Sep 23 14:18:26 2019
There are actually lowercase-like 'oldstyle' forms of normal numbers with more pronounced ascenders and descenders, which is why some numbers like '5' in books sometimes dangle below the line. But the true capital numbers remain the domain of number maven Mavis Beacon.
Wed Sep 25 14:18:40 2019
I could type this into a solver, which MIGHT help, but would also mean I have to get a lot of parentheses right...
Fri Sep 27 14:18:28 2019
Today's consumers who order their drones off the internet don't know the joy of going out in nature and returning with a drone that you caught yourself, whose angry owners you fought off with your own two hands.
Mon Sep 30 14:18:28 2019
I want to sell apples but I'm still working on getting the machine to do the cutting and grafting.
Tue Oct 1 21:18:31 2019
Their signature play is the three-point combinator, a recursive offense which is guaranteed not to halt and continues accumulating points until the buzzer.
Fri Oct 4 14:18:46 2019
They could afford to cut it close because they all had Global Entry.
Mon Oct 7 06:18:26 2019
... tazer ... fire extinguisher ... bird feeder ... toilet paper ...
Wed Oct 9 06:18:28 2019
We've met! I remember you when you were thiiiis tall! [*holds a hand an inch above their head*]
Fri Oct 11 21:18:28 2019
Most chemists thought the lanthanides and actinides could be inserted in the sixth and seventh rows, but no, they're just floating down at the bottom with lots more undiscovered elements all around them.
Mon Oct 14 21:18:25 2019
They managed to briefly hit the top of the rankings when they rejected everyone except one applicant, published 5 billion research papers that just said "Hi," and hired one of their graduates for $50 trillion/year (then fired them after 10 microseconds.)
Wed Oct 16 21:18:28 2019
"So what's dark energy?" "Cosmologists and the FDA are both trying very hard to find out."
Fri Oct 18 21:18:33 2019
Well, there's one right here at the bottom, where it says "53."
Mon Oct 21 17:18:37 2019
If you'd just agree to hold your meetings in here, you'd have PLENTY of time to figure things out before the deadline.
Wed Oct 23 17:18:31 2019
I was fired by the National Weather Service five minutes after they hired me for going into their code base and renaming all the tornado warnings to "tornado spoiler alerts."
Fri Oct 25 14:18:47 2019
I wonder what the trendy adults in 2019 who are too cool for Pokemon will be into. Probably Digimon!
Mon Oct 28 21:18:29 2019
I laugh at the software as if I'm 100% confident that it's 2019.
Wed Oct 30 17:18:33 2019
I was sent here to stop the robot that was sent here to protect the human who was sent here to protect the human who was sent here to destroy the robot that was sent here to vacuum the floor.
Fri Nov 1 14:18:39 2019
These new Bluetooth socks are great, but it's troubling to learn that I average almost 14 hours of Shoe Time a day.
Mon Nov 4 21:18:29 2019
Everything is a cloud application; the ping times just vary a lot.
Wed Nov 6 14:18:29 2019
The weirdest quirk of the Borda count is that Jean-Charles de Borda automatically gets one point; luckily this has no consequences except in cases of extremely low turnout.
Fri Nov 8 21:18:37 2019
These signals seem to be pre-star-formation but post-Malone.
Mon Nov 11 17:18:30 2019
For some reason the water in my pool is green and there's a weird film on the surface #nofilter
Wed Nov 13 21:18:31 2019
More likely: Click on all the pictures of people who appear disloyal to [name of company or government]
Fri Nov 15 14:18:29 2019
We're like 10+ movies in and the focus has been almost entirely on the WARS half.
Mon Nov 18 14:18:26 2019
Some works didn't make the cut; in "Ecks vs. Sever" vs. the passage of time, the latter seems to have won pretty decisively.
Wed Nov 20 17:18:30 2019
According to Google, "the time for Beeland" is apparently whenever you're looking for delicious honey in Spillimacheen, British Columbia or a hexagonal chalet in the Savinja valley in Slovenia.
Fri Nov 22 14:18:29 2019
[proudly greeting the hotel manager at the door] "Did I do aa good job?"
Mon Nov 25 17:18:28 2019
The astro-ph.SR arXiv servers are simultaneously being overwhelmed by electronic requests and actual electricity.
Wed Nov 27 14:18:28 2019
Building codes in hurricane zones rely on studies of how easily flying debris can break residential windows. If you're looking for a science fair project idea and you hate your neighbors, I'm sure they could always use more data!
Fri Nov 29 14:18:27 2019
There's no group chat member more enigmatic than the cool person who you all assume has the chat on mute, but who then instantly chimes in with no delay the moment something relevant to them is mentioned.
Mon Dec 2 17:18:24 2019
We've tested it on 30 different days and it hasn't gotten one wrong yet.
Wed Dec 4 14:18:28 2019
So glad Kate over in R&D pushed for using the AlgoMaxAnalyzer to look into this. Hiring her was a great decisio- waaaait.
Fri Dec 6 17:18:35 2019
"Wait, how often are you getting bitten by snakes? And why are you boiling water?" "Dunno, the CDC people keep showing up with complicated questions about the 'history of the property' and 'possible curses' but I kinda tune them out. At least one of them offered me the flu shot."
Mon Dec 9 14:18:35 2019
Cyanobacteria wiped out nearly all life on Earth once before, and they can do it again!
Wed Dec 11 14:18:36 2019
Not actual size, except technically at one spot near the left.
Fri Dec 13 17:18:35 2019
I love Brussels Sprouts Mandela Effect; I saw them open for Correct Horse Battery Staple.
Sun Dec 15 23:18:34 2019
I love Brussels Sprouts Mandela Effect; I saw them open for Correct Horse Battery Staple.
Mon Dec 16 21:18:32 2019
Water is thinner than both, and fire is *definitely* thicker.
Wed Dec 18 23:20:20 2019
The heroes seem to be gaining the upper hand until Darth Juul manages to flip the switch on the car wash control panel from 'REGULAR' to 'PREMIUM.'
Fri Dec 20 14:18:33 2019
A tattoo of a tattoo parlor receipt
Mon Dec 23 14:18:44 2019
Any arrangement is an edible arrangement if you're hungry enough.
Wed Dec 25 14:18:46 2019
"The parisitism might be mediated by a fungus!" exclaimed the biologist who was trying to ruin Christmas again.
Thu Dec 26 14:18:48 2019
"The parasitism might be mediated by a fungus!" exclaimed the biologist who was trying to ruin Christmas again.
Thu Dec 26 23:18:43 2019
I'm compromising by picking a weird hill to lie on.
Sun Dec 29 23:19:22 2019
"Off-by-one errors" isn't the easiest theme to build a party around, but I've seen worse.
Wed Jan 1 13:19:04 2020
Billboard's "Best of the 80s" chart includes Blondie's 1980 hit "Call Me." QED.
Fri Jan 3 13:20:32 2020
After changing it back and forth several times and consulting with internet linguist Gretchen McCulloch, I settled on "ok" in my book How To, but I'm still on the fence. Maybe I should just switch to "oK."
Sun Jan 5 23:19:15 2020
I would describe my personal alignment as "lawful heterozygous silty liquid."
Wed Jan 8 17:19:00 2020
I never got around to seeing that movie about the battle (of Midway).
Thu Jan 9 23:19:04 2020
There's some flexibility depending on your standards for measuring runtime and the various special editions. If you still want to have a party, I'm sure you can find some combination that works.
Mon Jan 13 17:19:15 2020
I was actually a little relieved when I learned that JPEG2000 was used in the DCI digital cinema standard. I was feeling so bad for it!
Tue Jan 14 23:19:23 2020
The text ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US with a lengthy footnote explaining that I got this tattoo in 2020 and not, as you may assume, 2001, but offering no further clarification.
Thu Jan 16 23:19:22 2020
The projection does a good job preserving both distance and azimuth, at the cost of really exaggerating how many South Americas there are.
Sun Jan 19 23:19:15 2020
A mix of the two is even worse: 'Thanks for unsubscribing and helping us pare this list down to reliable supporters.'
Wed Jan 22 13:19:22 2020
"Actually, Jupiter already has a very impressive ring system!" --someone who knows Jupiter is within earshot
Fri Jan 24 13:19:11 2020
LOOK, THE LATENCY FALLS EVERY TIME YOU CLAP YOUR HANDS AND SAY YOU BELIEVE
Mon Jan 27 17:19:29 2020
If Google Maps stops letting you navigate to (Clay County District) A in West Virginia, you can try Jump, OH -> Ina, IL -> Big Hole, TX.
Wed Jan 29 13:19:13 2020
Before I install any patch, I always open the patch notes and Ctrl-F for 'supervolcano', 'seagull', and 'garbage disposal', just to be safe.
Fri Jan 31 17:19:23 2020
It will get within 9 or 10 Sun-diameters of the "bottom" (the Sun's surface) which seems pretty far when you put it that way, but from up here on Earth it's practically all the way down.
Mon Feb 3 17:19:30 2020
After a while you adjust to the new cicadian rhythm.
Wed Feb 5 17:19:22 2020
If you're going to let it burn up, make sure it happens over the deep end of the bathtub and not any populated parts of the house!
Fri Feb 7 13:29:48 2020
I ended up getting my tax return prepared at a local place by a really friendly pretrained neural net named Greg.
Mon Feb 10 17:19:23 2020
Some people suspect that it started as a "No, I didn't forget Valentine's Day" excuse that got out of hand.
Wed Feb 12 17:19:37 2020
Blockchains are like grappling hooks, in that it's extremely cool when you encounter a problem for which they're the right solution, but it happens way too rarely in real life.
Fri Feb 14 17:19:21 2020
Further research is needed to fully understand how we managed to do such a good job.
Sun Feb 16 23:19:34 2020
And I was kicked out of my March Madness pool because I wouldn't shut up about the evidence for NBA/ABA endosymbiosis.
Wed Feb 19 21:19:04 2020
On the news a few days later: "Buzz is building around the so-called 'camping Roomba' after a big investment. Preorders have spiked, and..."
Fri Feb 21 13:19:11 2020
The AARP puts the average age of a first-time grandparent close to 50, and the CDC has some data. But I don't have first-parent age distributions for specific names, or generational first-child age correlations, so the dotted line is just a guess. Still, let's be honest: No further research is really *needed.*
Mon Feb 24 13:19:23 2020
No one likes my novelty ringtone, an audio recording of a phone on vibrate sitting on a hard surface.
Wed Feb 26 17:19:42 2020
See also: Farm animals and dinosaurs. I am so confident that there exists children's media that involves dinosaurs driving trucks on a farm that I'm writing this without even Googling to check.
Fri Feb 28 17:19:21 2020
If we can destroy enough of the lights in our region, we may see more comets, but that's a risk we'll have to take.
Mon Mar 2 17:19:24 2020
It's important to keep the spider from touching your face.
Wed Mar 4 17:19:21 2020
Turns out I've been "practicing social distancing" for years without even realizing it was a thing!
Thu Mar 5 23:19:31 2020
Mon Mar 9 17:19:52 2020
"I actually came in in the middle so I don't know which topic we're briefing on; the same slides work for like half of them."
Wed Mar 11 13:19:26 2020
This medicine says it may cause lightheadedness, dry mouth, and blurred vision, but my head feels incredibly heavy, water is pouring from my mouth, and I can see individual hummingbird wingbeats, so I think I'm fine.
Fri Mar 13 17:19:24 2020
2030: "I just bought a house for one bitcoin. No, it's the equivalent of a dollar. Houses are often transferred for a nominal fee because the buyer is taking responsibility for containing the holo-banshees in the attic."
Mon Mar 16 13:19:29 2020
"Also, reading 500 coronavirus papers in a row and not sleeping? Probably not great for you either, but I haven't found any studies confirming that yet. I'll keep looking."
Wed Mar 18 13:20:53 2020
Offscreen, bottom left: Whether the custom :coronavirus: Slack react emoji you just added was public domain or whether you should have put a Creative Commons credit somewhere
Fri Mar 20 17:19:29 2020
To picture 10^18, just picture 10^13, but then imagine you connect the left side of the 3 to close off the little bays.
Sun Mar 22 23:19:17 2020
So excited to see everyone after my luxury cruise home from the World Handshake Championships!
Wed Mar 25 13:20:07 2020
Oh thank goodness, I forgot my clothes, so now everyone's looking embarrassed and backing away.
Fri Mar 27 17:19:14 2020
Technically now it's a 34-foot zone.
Mon Mar 30 20:35:30 2020
We're not not trapped in here with the coronavirus. The coronavirus is trapped in here with us.
Fri Apr 3 06:48:16 2020
I'm sure you can find some suitable worldbuilding material if you scavenge through the archives.
Sat Apr 4 17:14:11 2020
Remember, models aren't for telling you facts, they're for exploring dynamics. This model apparently explores time travel.
Mon Apr 6 20:25:21 2020
I'm going to change the sign so the pole is horizontal and the sign is mounted on the front like a plunger, so I can carry it around like a lance to gently push people back if they try to approach.
Wed Apr 8 19:07:57 2020
Under my system, boxing and football suffered, pair figure skating still worked but had to adapt by dropping some moves, and pro wrestling was actually completely unaffected.
Fri Apr 10 20:33:12 2020
I hate how many times you have to press it to get to the system normal people use, degrees Rømer.
Mon Apr 13 13:16:04 2020
1937-2020
Thu Apr 16 02:16:10 2020
Adding data for South Korea but with their cases scaled to match the population of Japan and the land area of Australia, and vice versa.
Fri Apr 17 13:16:01 2020
'Garbage In, Garbage Out' should not be taken to imply any sort of conservation law limiting the amount of garbage produced.
Mon Apr 20 17:16:13 2020
Once the lockdown is over, let's all get together and swap starters!
Wed Apr 22 17:16:49 2020
One of the things of bear spray says that, and I'm not one to disobey safety instructions, but there are no bears around here. Guess it's time for a camping trip where we leave lots of food out!
Sat Apr 25 02:19:31 2020
Spellcheck has been great, but whoever figures out how to get grammar check to work is guaranteed a Nobel.
Tue Apr 28 02:16:47 2020
[moments later, checking phone] Okay, I agree my posting it was weird, but it's somehow even more unnerving that you immediately liked the post.
Thu Apr 30 13:17:05 2020
If enough people uphill decide to try the rolling strategy, they can make the decision for you.
Fri May 1 17:16:33 2020
It's possible the bread and shell can be split into a top and bottom flavor, and some models additionally suggest Strange Bread and Charm Shells.
Mon May 4 02:17:32 2020
It's possible the bread and shell can be split into a top and bottom flavor, and some models additionally suggest Strange Bread and Charm Shells.
Mon May 4 17:17:22 2020
As the 'exotic animals in homemade aprons hosting baking shows' YouTube craze reached its peak in March 2020, Andrew Cuomo announced he was replacing the Statue of Liberty with a bronze pangolin in a chef's hat.
Thu May 7 02:16:57 2020
Type IIII error: Mistaking tally marks for Roman neumerals
Sat May 9 02:16:09 2020
DOWNSIDES: Adobe people may periodically email your newsroom to ask you to call it an 'Adobe® PDF document,' but they'll reverse course once they learn how sarcastically you can pronounce the registered trademark symbol.
Mon May 11 17:26:47 2020
If you want to see the polling questions we agree on MOST, you can check out Chapter 24 of my book How To, where I got the Roper Center on Public Opinion Research to help me design the world's least electable political campaign platform.
Thu May 14 02:16:38 2020
Not even metapneumovirus, easily the common cold virus with the coolest name, warrants our sympathy. Colds suck. No mercy.
Fri May 15 17:16:27 2020
Computer viruses currently fall somewhere between prions and fire.
Mon May 18 17:16:18 2020
It's a good mountain but it really peaked in the 80s.
Thu May 21 02:16:15 2020
The worst is when you run out of monospaced fonts and have to use variable-width variables.
Fri May 22 23:06:14 2020
Living in the southern hemisphere was nice because I could jump extra high, but I like it here too. Besides, if I ever want to move back, I can just curl up in a ball and wait!
Mon May 25 23:34:59 2020
The worst part is that's the millisigma interval.
Wed May 27 17:16:07 2020
Hello and welcome to Millibar Millibarn Attometer, an advice show for the Planck era.
Fri May 29 17:16:10 2020
Deep in some corner of my heart, I suspect that real times tables are wrong about 6x7=42 and 8x7=56.
Mon Jun 1 17:16:10 2020
Nature abhors a vacuum and also anything that's not a crab.
Wed Jun 3 17:16:13 2020
Later I'm going to get a head start on the heat bath.
Fri Jun 5 17:16:33 2020
Hourly haircuts would be annoying, but they'd be easier to do yourself, since you'd have adjacent hairs as a guide. Growing it out would be a huge pain, though.
Mon Jun 8 17:16:26 2020
The other side of USB-C is rotationally symmetric except that the 3rd pin from the top is designated FIREWIRE TRIBUTE PIN.
Thu Jun 11 02:16:21 2020
Despite years of effort by my physics professors to normalize it, deep down I remain convinced that 'dynamical' is not really a word.
Fri Jun 12 17:16:49 2020
10^13.4024: A person who has come back to numbers after a journey deep into some random theoretical field
Sat Jun 13 02:18:09 2020
10^13.4024: A person who has come back to numbers after a journey deep into some random theoretical field
Tue Jun 16 02:16:26 2020
The hard part about opening a hole in the proof of the Poincaré conjecture is that Grigori Perelman will come out of retirement to try to fix it by drawing a loop around the hole and contracting it to a point.
Wed Jun 17 13:16:18 2020
The only effect on the history books were a few confusing accounts of something called 'Greek fire.'
Fri Jun 19 13:16:06 2020
The ISO 216 standard ratio is cos(45°), but American letter paper is 8.5x11 because it uses radians, and 11/8.5 = pi/4.
Mon Jun 22 17:16:16 2020
You've got questions, we've got assumptions.
Wed Jun 24 23:32:05 2020
The git vehicle fleet eventually pivoted to selling ice cream, but some holdovers remain. If you flag down an ice cream truck and hand the driver a floppy disk, a few hours later you'll get an invite to a git repo.
Fri Jun 26 17:16:13 2020
My biggest fear is that colonial engineers will try to flood me to generate electricity. My biggest hope is that I'll develop sailing stones.
Mon Jun 29 17:16:12 2020
My other (much harder) hobby is trying to engineer situations where I have an excuse to use more than one of them in short succession.
Wed Jul 1 23:01:46 2020
We're underwater on our mortgage thanks to the low price of water.
Sat Jul 4 02:16:07 2020
My shooting will improve over the short term, but over the long term the universe will take more shots.
Mon Jul 6 21:16:10 2020
There are plenty of finer gradations. I got 'critically endangered/extinct in the wild' on my exam, although the curve bumped it all the way up to 'venti.'
Wed Jul 8 21:16:09 2020
Good thing I'm not already prone to overthinking everyday decisions!
Fri Jul 10 17:24:52 2020
The worst is being teased by responsible, mask-wearing teens. They even spritz the hamster ball with disinfectant before rolling it, carefully avoiding the filter vents.
Mon Jul 13 21:16:06 2020
The Wirecutter staff called the Herman Miller Siege Perilous "the most cursed product we've ever had to fight" and "nearly as immortal as it boasts."
Wed Jul 15 11:16:15 2020
First prize is a free ticket to the kissing booth.
Fri Jul 17 17:16:16 2020
Remember the CPS 2000, the super soaker that was discontinued because it was too powerful? Relatedly, can I borrow your tuba?
Mon Jul 20 17:16:16 2020
It's okay, they scan the serial numbers and make sure you can't deposit the same bill more than once.
Wed Jul 22 21:16:00 2020
Oh no, my marshmallow became tidally locked!
Fri Jul 24 21:16:08 2020
I like trying to make it as hard as possible. "I'd love to meet up, maybe in a few days? Next week is looking pretty empty. *witchcraft"
Mon Jul 27 21:16:22 2020
I asked them if it was safe to be running tours during the pandemic. They said, "During the what?"
Wed Jul 29 11:16:24 2020
Canada's travel restrictions on the US are 99% about keeping out COVID and 1% about keeping out people who say 'pod.'
Thu Jul 30 23:16:13 2020
Inflationary cosmologists call all music from after the first 10^-30 seconds "post-"
Mon Aug 3 21:16:21 2020
I vaguely and irrationally resent how useful WebPlotDigitizer is.
Wed Aug 5 17:16:31 2020
I don't see why everyone is so hungry for BAD news, but fine, I'll give in to feedback and add a dark mode.
Fri Aug 7 17:17:20 2020
Oh no, a musician just burst in through the door confidently twirling a treble clef.
Mon Aug 10 21:19:49 2020
There are some papers arguing that there's a volcanic component, but I personally think they're just feeling guilty and trying to cover the trail.
Wed Aug 12 17:16:39 2020
Congratulations to whoever wished for revenge on a forest near the Tunguska River, a 1980 Chevy Malibu in Peekskill NY, Alabama resident Ann Hodges, every building in Chelyabinsk with glass windows, and the non-avian dinosaurs.
Fri Aug 14 17:22:42 2020
I'm like a vampire, except I'm not crossing that threshold even if you invite me.
Mon Aug 17 17:16:11 2020
Someday ImageMagick will finally break for good and we'll have a long period of scrambling as we try to reassemble civilization from the rubble.
Wed Aug 19 17:16:12 2020
'No, my cabbage moths have already started laying eggs in them! Send the trolley into the river!' 'No, the sailing wolf will steal the boat to rescue them!'
Thu Aug 20 23:15:59 2020
Washington state is seeing great success with reintroducing the Columbia River Basin subpopulation. We cannot allow them to further widen the interstate bun gap.
Mon Aug 24 17:16:03 2020
When my great grandfather designed the Titanic and it hit an iceberg and sank, he didn't sit around moping. He took those lessons to his next job designing airships, and he made the Hindenburg completely iceberg-proof!
Wed Aug 26 21:16:06 2020
Bugs are spin 1/2 particles, unless it's particularly windy.
Fri Aug 28 21:16:01 2020
We need some grub to munch--I'll go slouch over to the kitchen.
Mon Aug 31 11:16:00 2020
Our flight gathered valuable data on whether a commercial airliner in the eye of a hurricane can do a loop.
Wed Sep 2 21:16:02 2020
It may remain in equilibrium for some time, slowly growing, and then suddenly become significantly redder.
Fri Sep 4 17:16:06 2020
I admit this is an exaggeration, since I can think of at least three parties I attended while doing my degree, and I'm probably forgetting several more.
Mon Sep 7 21:16:10 2020
It's rare to get both astronomers and astrologers equally mad at you, but apparently I've messed up both a bunch of star location databases AND the will of the fates.
Wed Sep 9 21:16:09 2020
Other pollsters complain about declining response rates, but our poll showed that 96% of respondents would be 'somewhat likely' or 'very likely' to agree to answer a series of questions for a survey.
Fri Sep 11 17:16:03 2020
The most important attributes of a vector in 3-space are {Location, Location, Location}
Mon Sep 14 17:16:04 2020
Both too cautious AND not cautious enough: "I'm skeptical that those are aliens, so I'm going to try pulling off their masks."
Wed Sep 16 17:16:06 2020
This article is about Eta Carinae, a luminous blue hypergiant with anomalous Fe[ii] emission spectra. For the 1998 Brad Bird film, see The Iron Giant (film).
Fri Sep 18 21:16:16 2020
'Wait, our state has mail voting. The forms are literally on the kitchen table.' 'Not now, I'm busy researching which channels have sharks in them.'
Sun Sep 20 21:16:31 2020
'Wait, our state has mail voting. The forms are literally on the kitchen table.' 'Not now, I'm busy researching which channels have sharks in them.'
Mon Sep 21 21:17:43 2020
Phylogeneticists are working on identifying and notifying its next of kin.
Wed Sep 23 21:16:03 2020
(c) You can have a scooter when you pay for it yourself, and (d) if you can't learn to start a new thread rather than responding to an old one, you'll be banned. [thread locked by moderator]
Fri Sep 25 21:16:00 2020
Bloody Mary is made of antimatter. It explains so much.
Mon Sep 28 21:16:12 2020
SMS is just the worst, but I'm having trouble convincing people to adopt my preferred system, TLS IRC with a local server and a patched DOSBox gateway running in my mobile browser.
Wed Sep 30 17:16:09 2020
I told her I'd take her address off the packaging if she'd stop submitting anonymous food safety complaints about my bakery to the health department, but she sent me a note that said NO DEAL along with an extra large batch of cookies.
Fri Oct 2 17:16:09 2020
Haunted Halloween masks from a mysterious costume shop that turn you evil and grow into your skin score a surprisingly high 80% filtration efficiency in R. L. Stine-sponsored NIOSH tests.
Mon Oct 5 17:16:10 2020
Your point that the world contains multiple problems is a real slam-dunk argument against fixing any of them.
Wed Oct 7 12:15:58 2020
Changes with this update: If you use the combined scan-shred function, it now performs them in that order instead of the reverse, saving a HUGE amount of CPU time.
Fri Oct 9 17:16:07 2020
You'd think it'd be easy to just bet money against these people, but you have to consider the probability of them paying up.
Mon Oct 12 21:16:05 2020
Feels like I picked a bad year to try to start having a healthy relationship with political news.
Wed Oct 14 17:16:00 2020
Do you make a distinction between shallots, scallops, and scallions? If you use all three words, do they all have different meanings, all the same, or are two the same and one different?
Fri Oct 16 21:16:08 2020
Chemists actually find it simpler to define a general odor of rotten eggs as a baseline, and the LACK of rotten eggs as a distinct smell.
Mon Oct 19 21:16:15 2020
I'm proud to announce that as of this year I've become a world-class expert at chewing.
Wed Oct 21 21:16:19 2020
[Six months later] "Well, our 'worst ladder' subscription series was a surprisingly lucrative success, but was completely canceled out by the losses from the disastrous Home Depot merchandising tie-in."
Fri Oct 23 21:16:14 2020
The state has had so many contact tracers disappear into that shop that they've had to start a contact tracer tracing program.
Mon Oct 26 17:16:22 2020
New phone OS features: Infinite customization (home screen icons no longer snap to grid), dark mode (disables screen), screaming mode (self-explanatory), and coherent ultracapacitor-pumped emission (please let us know what this setting does; we've been afraid to try it).
Wed Oct 28 21:16:29 2020
Doing great here in the sixth and hopefully final year of the 2016 election.
Fri Oct 30 23:16:16 2020
Call me, MAYBE.
Mon Nov 2 17:16:26 2020
You might think most people you know are reliable voters, or that your nudge won't convince them, and you will usually be right. But some small but significant percentage of the time, you'll be wrong, and that's why this works.
Tue Nov 3 23:16:17 2020
Thank you to Gretchen McCulloch for fielding this question, and sorry that as a result the world's foremost internet linguist has been devoured by the brown one. She will be missed.
Fri Nov 6 21:16:07 2020
Good luck to Democrats in the upcoming Georgia runoff elections, and to the Google Sheets SREs in the current run-on elections.
Mon Nov 9 21:16:12 2020
He also broke the streak that incumbents with websites are unbeatable and Delawareans can't win, creating a new precedent: Only someone from Delaware can defeat an incumbent with a website.
Tue Nov 10 17:16:08 2020
He also broke the streak that incumbents with websites are unbeatable and Delawareans can't win, creating a new precedent: Only someone from Delaware can defeat an incumbent with a website.
Wed Nov 11 21:16:13 2020
She referenced Billie Eilish, so this must be getting pretty close to the pandemic. But we've seen the last two years in-universe, so if it's set in the future, they must be in at least 2023 by now. [*adds thumbtacks and string to wall*]
Fri Nov 13 17:16:12 2020
For those of you also taking Game Theory, your grade in that class will be based on how close your grade on this exam is to 80% of the average.
Mon Nov 16 21:16:06 2020
The ten-year cancerversary is traditionally the Cursed Artifact Granting Immortality anniversary.
Wed Nov 18 21:16:06 2020
"Are you concerned the witches won't breed in captivity?" "Honestly, we're more concerned that they WILL. We don't know what it involves, but our biologists theorize that it's 'harrowing.'"
Fri Nov 20 17:16:22 2020
[scrolling through a giant spreadsheet of transcribed data] 'Wow, a surprising number of users grew up at 420 69th St.' 'Yeah, must be a high-rise or something.'
Mon Nov 23 17:16:15 2020
I'll never install a smart home smoke detector. It's not that I don't trust the software--it's that all software eventually becomes email, and I know how I am with email.
Wed Nov 25 21:16:22 2020
"Do you feel like the answer depends on whether you're currently in the hole, versus when you refer to the events later after you get out? Assuming you get out."
Fri Nov 27 11:16:24 2020
I can't wait until this is all over and I can go back to riding my horse through the mall.
Mon Nov 30 17:16:07 2020
Since we haven't really settled on a name for those online hangout/work spaces that try to recreate the experience of cafes, and I love confusion, I'm going to start calling them 'cyber cafes' or 'internet cafes.'
Wed Dec 2 23:16:19 2020
The bottom of the list remains unchanged. Poor Rutherford Birchard Hayes.
Fri Dec 4 21:16:23 2020
Linguists, settling some inscrutable grudge, have been steadily sneaking more backdated synonyms for 'sharing borders' into the dictionary. They've added 'contiguous,' 'coterminous,' 'conterminous,' and next year they're adding 'conterguous.'
Mon Dec 7 17:16:23 2020
It's frustrating to calibrate your precautions when there's only one kind of really definitive feedback you can get, you can only get it once, and when you do it's too late.
Wed Dec 9 21:16:23 2020
'Wait, why would you think a movie set in 1984 would do drive-ins as a retro promotion?' 'You know, 80s stuff. Drive-in movies. Britney Spears doing the hustle. Elvis going on Ed Sullivan and showing off his pog collection.' 'What year were you born, again?'
Fri Dec 11 21:16:18 2020
I believe in getting immunity the old-fashioned way: By letting a bat virus take control of my lungs and turn my face into a disgusting plague fountain while my immune system desperately Googles 'how to make spike protein antibodies'.
Mon Dec 14 21:16:11 2020
*refresh* Aww, still in Kalamazoo. *refresh* Aww, still in Kalamazoo.
Wed Dec 16 17:16:10 2020
There are more Trump voters in California than Texas, more Biden voters in Texas than New York, more Trump voters in New York than Ohio, more Biden voters in Ohio than Massachusetts, more Trump voters in Massachusetts than Mississippi, and more Biden voters in Mississippi than Vermont.
Fri Dec 18 12:16:06 2020
There are more Trump voters in California than Texas, more Biden voters in Texas than New York, more Trump voters in New York than Ohio, more Biden voters in Ohio than Massachusetts, more Trump voters in Massachusetts than Mississippi, and more Biden voters in Mississippi than Vermont.
Fri Dec 18 17:16:01 2020
We reject the null hypothesis based on the 'hot damn, check out this chart' test.
Mon Dec 21 21:16:11 2020
The IAU is sad to announce that at 00:39 UTC on December 22nd, Jupiter and Saturn did unfortunately come into contact, and appear to have blooped together.
Wed Dec 23 17:16:34 2020
"Okay, for the last time, the shot is free, so we can't--" "Shut up and take my money!"
Fri Dec 25 17:16:12 2020
Wow, rude of you to regift literally every gift that you or anyone else has ever received.
Mon Dec 28 21:16:05 2020
Then I'm going to go on a weeks-long somatic hypermutation bender, producing ever-more targeted antibodies, while I continue to remain distanced and follow guidance from public health authorities.
Wed Dec 30 21:16:18 2020
Protip: At midnight your excuse for not having read The Great Gatsby can switch from "I'm worried about violating copyright" to "I think my copy requires Flash."
Fri Jan 1 12:16:13 2021
We've secretly replaced this customer's instant coffee with our patented substitute. Let's see what she ... uh oh, I think she spotted us through the window. Now she's getting something from the closet ... oh jeez, she has a sword! Run!!
Mon Jan 4 17:16:32 2021
A death-first search is when you lose your keys and travel to the depths of hell to find them, and then if they're not there you start checking your coat pockets.
Wed Jan 6 17:16:49 2021
Neutral Evil is for people who like keeping the weight nicely centered in the carton, but also hate everyone else who wants that.
Fri Jan 8 21:16:44 2021
1. Flatten the curve. 2. Steepen the curve. 3. Hang out.
Mon Jan 11 23:16:45 2021
Hopefully in a couple of weeks we'll be able to resume our apple-focused updates, because we have SO MUCH to say about Cosmic Crisp.
Wed Jan 13 21:16:47 2021
OCEAN PLAY AREA RULES: No running, no horseplay, no megatsunamis, and no trying to pry the wreck of the Titanic off the bottom.
Fri Jan 15 11:16:45 2021
The floor should be slightly curved, but we haven't figured out artificial gravity yet, so for now we just added a trace intoxicating gas to the air that messes with your inner ear and gives you a sense that the ground is tilting away from you.
Mon Jan 18 17:17:06 2021
The #2 cause of astronomer hand injuries is trying to do vector math when the second axis points off to the right.
Wed Jan 20 17:16:51 2021
Most of our universe consists of dark matter rendered completely undetectable by our spacetime codec's dynamic range issues.
Fri Jan 22 21:16:46 2021
To prove you're human, please click all the number pairs that appear together in your Social Security number.
Mon Jan 25 21:16:52 2021
What an incredible smell you've discovered.
Wed Jan 27 12:16:30 2021
We're worried that a regular whale will get into a 30-foot-deep ocean trench section and filter-feed on all the tiny whales.
Fri Jan 29 12:30:09 2021
Scientists still don't know how marine biologists manage to so consistently bring up whalefall ecosystems, when relevant conversational openings are so few and far between.
Mon Feb 1 17:16:23 2021
I've never been that big of a hug person, but it turns out I'm not quite this small of a hug person either.
Wed Feb 3 21:16:58 2021
If you had an oven bag and a dryer that runs unusually hot, I guess you could in theory make tumbled eggs.
Fri Feb 5 17:16:40 2021
Soon, linguists will be wandering around everywhere, saying things like "colorless green ideas sleep furiously" and "more people have been to Russia than I have," and speech will become unintelligible.
Mon Feb 8 17:16:38 2021
You know what they say: mRNA-1273 before tozinameran, you'll have to slay a banshee in a catamaran.
Mon Feb 8 21:16:33 2021
You know what they say: mRNA-1273 before tozinameran, you'll have to slay a banshee in a catamaran.
Wed Feb 10 21:16:42 2021
If you tune out again, when you tune back in you'll be hearing about dusty plasma fission fragment rockets.
Fri Feb 12 21:17:01 2021
"I think I'll pass. These days I have a hard time feeling comfortable in crowded bars with loud music and lots of shouting." --me, after the pandemic, but now for a second reason
Mon Feb 15 17:16:41 2021
To ensure lasting immunity, doctors recommend destroying a second Death Star some time after the first.
Wed Feb 17 21:16:47 2021
Dr. Fauci is not permitted to have a cat, because as director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, his petting one would be considered giving aid and comfort to an allergen.
Fri Feb 19 17:16:59 2021
If the first audio they downlink is from the descent, we probably won't be able to hear anything over the sound of the rover screaming.
Mon Feb 22 17:16:45 2021
The best part of crashing a Mars briefing is you can get in a full 11 minutes of questions before they can start to respond.
Wed Feb 24 21:22:38 2021
"Cumulative number of coronavirus spreadsheets created over time" is a spreadsheet I am coming dangerously close to creating.
Fri Feb 26 17:22:02 2021
Plus a shirt that says "it feels like you're making eye contact."
Mon Mar 1 21:18:12 2021
I've lived in the present for my whole life and I'm not about to move now.
Wed Mar 3 21:16:46 2021
Manage cookies related to essential site functions, such as keeping Atrius and his sons imprisoned within the page.
Fri Mar 5 21:16:44 2021
I just Googled 'roomba sojourner mod' and was sorely disappointed. Be the change, I guess!
Mon Mar 8 23:16:38 2021
I can't wait until I'm fully vaccinated and can safely send chat messages in all caps again.
Wed Mar 10 21:16:40 2021
Pythagorean means are nice and all, but throwing the median in the pot is really what turns this into random forest statistics: applying every function you can think of, and then gradually dropping the ones that make the result worse.
Fri Mar 12 17:16:45 2021
( MSTE ( AR ) CD )
Mon Mar 15 12:16:40 2021
[Future update] Well, someone accidentally dropped an M&M in their cup of ice water, and we all panicked and scattered.
Wed Mar 17 17:16:48 2021
Alexa defeated her in a battle hinging on the ability to set multiple timers.
Fri Mar 19 17:16:43 2021
For sentimental reasons, every active Mars rover is counted as one person, although that's not enough to make Mars more than a dot.
Mon Mar 22 21:16:53 2021
Luckily, unlike in our previous study, we have no reason to believe Evangeline the Adulterator gained access to our stored doses.
Wed Mar 24 17:17:08 2021
I'm actually not sure if Vader and the Emperor count as a household or if Vader lives in that weird black egg thing or what.
Fri Mar 26 21:16:47 2021
Although regardless of how everything else shakes out, I definitely won't mind if the norm "wear a mask if you're feeling sick" sticks around after this.
Mon Mar 29 21:16:43 2021
I don't care whether you win or lose, as long as you have-- ...okay, sorry, I'm being reminded I very much care whether you win or lose. I need you to win, that's very important.
Wed Mar 31 17:16:29 2021
Plot twist: Thanks to [mumble mumble] second-order [mumble] Rayleigh-Taylor [mumble] turbulent [mumble] shear, it turns out powered flight is way EASIER on Mars!
Thu Apr 1 21:16:53 2021
Check check check ... chhecck chhecck chhecck ... check check check
Mon Apr 5 21:16:53 2021
Ugh, it's stuck to my laptop. It must have bound to the ACER-2 receptor.
Wed Apr 7 21:16:45 2021
I still think the Cold Stone Creamery partnership was a good idea, but I should have asked before doing the first market trials during the cryogenic mirror tests.
Thu Apr 8 11:16:50 2021
I still think the Cold Stone Creamery partnership was a good idea, but I should have asked before doing the first market trials during the cryogenic mirror tests.
Fri Apr 9 23:16:38 2021
When you get to hell, tell smallpox we say hello.
Mon Apr 12 21:16:50 2021
Because they orbit the Earth every 90 minutes, some astronauts should try to argue that, due to CDC regulations and time zone technicalities, they should be able to get their second dose just 30 or 40 hours after their first.
Tue Apr 13 22:11:52 2021
Because they orbit the Earth every 90 minutes, some astronauts should try to argue that, due to CDC regulations and time zone technicalities, they should be able to get their second dose just 30 or 40 hours after their first.
Wed Apr 14 21:55:50 2021
As if these problems weren't NP-hard enough.
Fri Apr 16 23:17:08 2021
We've learned that weird spacing and diacritics in the methodology description are apparently the key to good research; luckily, we've developed an AI tool to help us figure out where to add them.
Mon Apr 19 21:17:08 2021
Mile High Club membership [✓] [ ] Discovery of parts of Amelia Earhart's skeleton [ ] [ ] Mid-flight incident that results in safe landing on the Hudson River [✓] [ ]
Wed Apr 21 21:17:08 2021
Extremely rude how Turing's later formulations of the halting problem called me out by name specifically.
Thu Apr 22 17:16:45 2021
Extremely rude how Turing's later formulations of the halting problem called me out by name specifically.
Fri Apr 23 11:16:54 2021
"You still can't walk into someone's house without being invited!" "What/ Oh, I see your confusion. No, this vaccine is for a bat VIRUS. I'm fine with doorways and garlic and stuff."
Mon Apr 26 21:16:56 2021
All our teams make an effort to stay optimistic, but I will say that once our virus division saw the vaccine efficacy data, they started asking for payment up front.
Wed Apr 28 17:16:44 2021
Others include "We've incrementally improved the estimate of this coefficient," "Maybe all these categories are wrong," and "We found a way to make student volunteers worse at tasks."
Fri Apr 30 12:16:54 2021
I'm looking forward to having to worry a lot less about covid, but wouldn't mind if we worried a little more about giving each other colds. Colds are bad!
Mon May 3 23:17:18 2021
I think of myself as the David Attenborough of factory mailing equipment.
Wed May 5 23:16:41 2021
"I've traveled here from the year 2020 to bring you this vaccine!"
Fri May 7 17:16:32 2021
I built a model that combines local case rates and vaccination stats to estimate when it's reasonable to attend various types of party, but I forgot to include anything about where to find them.
Mon May 10 17:16:47 2021
NASA may not want to admit it, but at this point they ARE the 90's Kid Space Program.
Wed May 12 21:16:33 2021
The key to discovering life on Mars is to find someone who built a camera and landed it on Mars. Then you just look through the pictures for plants and dogs and stuff.
Fri May 14 21:16:50 2021
[One hill over, a competing astrophotographer does a backflip over a commercial airliner while throwing a tray of plastic space stations into the air, through which a falcon swoops to 'grab' the real one.]
Mon May 17 17:16:36 2021
Who knew you could learn so much about sexual reproduction from looking at pictures on the internet!
Tue May 18 23:16:39 2021
Who knew you could learn so much about sexual reproduction from looking at pictures on the internet!
Wed May 19 12:17:13 2021
In Dimensional Chess, every move is annotated '?!'.
Fri May 21 21:18:22 2021
Ontology is way off to the left and geography is way off to the right.
Mon May 24 11:16:36 2021
Oh no, they set up a roadblock which is just a sign with the entire 'Czech hedgehog' article printed on it.
Wed May 26 11:16:40 2021
People ask me whether I feel any moral qualms about the source of the points, but if he hadn't introduced factory farming to Agricola, someone else would have.
Fri May 28 23:16:42 2021
Junior astronomers hate getting put on board update duty, but someone's gotta make sure that stuff is still up there.
Mon May 31 21:17:05 2021
"I have nothing to offer but blood--next slide, please--toil--next slide, please--tears, and--next slide, please--sweat."
Wed Jun 2 17:16:48 2021
It's cool how, when there's a number lots of people are curious about, but which isn't easy to measure, some random guess will get cited everywhere and become the universally quoted value. Unrelatedly, did you know there are 850 trillion waves in the ocean?
Fri Jun 4 23:17:30 2021
If there's no dome, how do you explain the irregularities the board discovered in the zoning permits issued in that area!?
Mon Jun 7 21:17:19 2021
"Okay, that was weird, but the product reveal was normal. I think the danger is pas--" "One more thing." "Oh no."
Wed Jun 9 23:19:46 2021
Gotten the Ferris wheel operator's attention
Sat Jun 12 06:16:48 2021
You'd need to keep track of so many people! Would you use, like, Excel or something? Far too fancy for a simple country nanoenzyme developer like me.
Mon Jun 14 12:16:40 2021
Sure, you can talk about per-capita adjustment, but if you want to solve the problem, it's obvious that this is the problem group you need to focus on.
Wed Jun 16 21:16:35 2021
Stay right there, we'll be back in a minute. We've just gotta brainstorm some new wonders. Have you all figured out gears yet? Yes? Crap.
Fri Jun 18 11:16:53 2021
"Although fresh juice DOES sound--" "NO! For humanity to survive we must learn from the mistakes of the past."
Mon Jun 21 17:22:47 2021
You can come on in, we're all fully vaccinated. Except the spare room off the living room. Don't go in there, we're not fully vaccinated in there.
Wed Jun 23 17:16:41 2021
Key West, Virginia is not to be confused with Key, West Virginia.
Fri Jun 25 21:17:01 2021
Mon Jun 28 23:16:50 2021
The problem with learning about biology is that everyone you meet is it.
Wed Jun 30 23:17:04 2021
I'd traverse it myself, but it's singly linked, so I'm worried that I won't be able to find my way back to 2021.
Sat Jul 3 06:17:03 2021
"All the companies whose blimps I shot fireworks at are mad, but MetLife is especially miffed because I dressed up as the Red Baron."
Mon Jul 5 11:16:56 2021
Charsets even used to be known as 'alpha-bets' before that word's obvious negative associations caused it to die out.
Wed Jul 7 21:16:45 2021
Several of the guests are secretly playing Meta Board Game Party. Every minute of parallel debate in the breakaway faction earns double victory points!
Fri Jul 9 23:16:51 2021
It's definitely not the time to try drinking beer before liquor.
Mon Jul 12 23:16:50 2021
Listen, you need to get over your reluctance to permanently alter a game. Now roll 2d6 to determine how many ounces of soda to spill into the box.
Wed Jul 14 21:16:45 2021
The projection for those who think the Mercator projection gives people a distorted idea of how big Greenland is, but a very accurate idea of how big it SHOULD be.
Fri Jul 16 11:16:47 2021
I wonder what year I'll discard the last weird food item that I bought online in early 2020.
Mon Jul 19 23:16:31 2021
In the final vote, the doubters were won over by the strength of the name IMMUNION.
Wed Jul 21 21:16:44 2021
"Epsihootamoo doopsiquorps" --the Schrödinger equation for the hydrogen atom
Fri Jul 23 21:16:36 2021
Small devices use two-prong USB-AC, but there's also a three-prong version with a USB-B plug as the ground.
Mon Jul 26 23:16:41 2021
We trained it to produce data that looked convincing, and we have to admit the results look convincing!
Wed Jul 28 21:16:30 2021
The plug fits really snugly, so it should be safe in a crash.
Fri Jul 30 11:16:34 2021
This data is actually going into improving our self-driving car project, so hurry up--it's almost at the minefield.
Mon Aug 2 17:16:26 2021
In C, the multiocular O represents the bitwise norxondor gorgonax.
Wed Aug 4 21:16:48 2021
The only other person to walk by was a linguist back in the 80s, but she just spent a while dissecting the phrase 'help me down' before getting distracted by a squirrel and wandering off.
Sat Aug 7 06:16:26 2021
Remember to only adopt domesticated drones that specifically request it. It's illegal to collect wild ones under the Migratory Drone Treaty Act.
Mon Aug 9 11:16:34 2021
I was really impressed by the accuracy of some of the report's predictions about fossil fuel consumption. Then I realized, oh, right, of course.
Wed Aug 11 17:16:35 2021
How could anyone consider themselves a well-rounded adult without a basic understanding of silicate geochemistry? Silicates are everywhere! It's hard to throw a rock without throwing one!
Fri Aug 13 17:16:39 2021
I'm hoping 2022 is relatively normal because I don't know what symbol comes after the asterisk and the dagger.
Mon Aug 16 11:16:34 2021
Backward-compatible with many existing cables, and can connect directly to phones or tablets if you press them down hard enough.
Wed Aug 18 17:16:33 2021
Grandma's shelf-stable blackberry pie meson recipe was a huge seller until her farm was shut down by a joint FDA/NRC investigation.
Fri Aug 20 11:16:27 2021
Unless the next line is, "After we broke up, she blamed the painting and spent years planning her revenge, so my sorrow is mixed with relief that the dogs at least denied her that triumph."
Mon Aug 23 21:16:35 2021
This is something we all need to work on, but especially you all.
Wed Aug 25 11:16:28 2021
Ultra-Serial Violet C light is unpolarized, so you don't have to flip the polarizing filter over when you get the orientation wrong the first time.
Fri Aug 27 21:16:37 2021
Some personal news: After treating my first case a few years ago with antibiotics, I can report that I have now had appendicitis for the second and--unless something extremely unexpected happened with the surgery--final time.
Mon Aug 30 21:17:10 2021
Geometry textbooks always try to trick you by adding decorative stripes and dotted lines.
Thu Sep 2 06:16:31 2021
I tried to train an AI to repair my Python environment but it kept giving up and deleting itself.
Fri Sep 3 23:17:00 2021
We've almost finished constructing the piña collider.
Mon Sep 6 23:17:01 2021
And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together, but then more heaven kept appearing to replace it, as if the scroll was infinite.
Wed Sep 8 21:16:26 2021
Sorry, in SI units that's "there's a big football in there."
Fri Sep 10 23:16:47 2021
I've been working on chocolate bar annealing techniques to try to produce the perfect laser s'more. Maybe don't mention that on the grant application though.
Tue Sep 14 06:16:45 2021
Honestly feel a little sheepish about the amount of time and effort I spent confirming "yes, the vaccine helps protect people from getting sick and dying" but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Wed Sep 15 21:17:09 2021
Oh, wait, I might've had it set to kph instead of mph. But that would make the discrepancy even wider!
Fri Sep 17 21:16:59 2021
I'm so glad NASA let you take your phone to Mars!
Mon Sep 20 21:16:43 2021
Anna Karenina is a happy family lumper and unhappy family splitter.
Wed Sep 22 23:17:21 2021
"The slope will be 74° at ground level." "Okay, I think we can hack together a ... wait, why did they specify ground level? It's 74° everywhere, right? ... Oh no, there's a whole section in the treaty labeled 'curvature.'"
Fri Sep 24 17:16:39 2021
"röntgen" and "rem" are 20th-century physics terms that mean "no trespassing."
Mon Sep 27 23:16:47 2021
"9 out of 10 dentists have banned me from their offices."
Wed Sep 29 21:17:00 2021
The bruises on my fingertips are my proof of work.
Fri Oct 1 17:16:42 2021
The list includes polio, Guinea worm, and this one particular enterovirus strain that they've been tracking out of spite after it went around the lab a few years ago.
Mon Oct 4 23:16:33 2021
It's a myth that the Great Wall of China is the only human-made structure visible from space--there are LOTS of structures for us to feel self-conscious about!
Wed Oct 6 21:16:36 2021
I know the etiquette is controversial, but I think it's rude when the person in front of me reclines their seat into the bell of my trumpet.
Fri Oct 8 12:16:17 2021
It's like one teraspoon / when all you need is a kilonife
Mon Oct 11 21:16:10 2021
They've endowed a separate prize in Physiology or Medicine or Stopping Dr. Adams.
Wed Oct 13 21:16:10 2021
Delaware hopes to explore the western edge of areas marked with the Belgian flag, once the tornadoes die down.
Fri Oct 15 23:16:12 2021
After decades of studying the curve and the procedure that generates it, the consensus explanation is "it's just like that."
Mon Oct 18 17:16:39 2021
We don't need to do a clinical trial of this change because the standard of care is to adopt new ideas without doing clinical trials.
Wed Oct 20 23:17:17 2021
You think, 'okay, THIS is an ideal use case for hardlinks!' but then 6 months later you're doing some extremely cursed Google search like 'javascript ext4' and wondering where things went wrong.
Fri Oct 22 17:16:11 2021
CVS's pharmacies are fine, but I much prefer their [censored]s.
Mon Oct 25 23:16:31 2021
"What? I can't hear--" "What? I said, are you sure--" "CAN YOU PLEASE SPEAK--"
Wed Oct 27 21:16:58 2021
Hard to believe that for so many years once they were fully extended we just let them tip over.
Wed Oct 27 23:16:41 2021
Hard to believe that for so many years once they were fully extended we just let them tip over.
Fri Oct 29 17:16:16 2021
"It's not an influenza, but the onset has notes of the '09 H1N1 strain." "Ah yes, that was a good year for H1N1."
Mon Nov 1 17:16:23 2021
This was always going to be a controversial Wirecutter post, but what really got them in trouble were their 'budget' and 'upgrade' picks.
Wed Nov 3 17:16:22 2021
This year, our team took home the dark blue ribbon, better than the midnight blue we got last year but still short of the winning navy blue.
Fri Nov 5 17:16:42 2021
Although grad students, suddenly reminded that food exists, tend to just grab and devour both without further discussion.
Mon Nov 8 21:16:15 2021
Premed: "Does this count for a physics credit? Can we shorten the string so I can get it done faster? And can we do one where it hits me in the face? I gotta do a thing for first aid training right after."
Wed Nov 10 23:16:43 2021
Tomorrow's sessions will be entirely devoted to sewing machine rotary hooks.
Fri Nov 12 17:16:19 2021
Oh no, Murphy just picked up the razor.
Mon Nov 15 17:17:04 2021
Could be worse. In some towns north of here, it's already December, and the 21st will last for nearly a week.
Wed Nov 17 21:17:06 2021
Even if you said you were an employee of the website, if you asked for my password, I'd tell you.
Fri Nov 19 17:17:02 2021
Was this your car? [looping 'image loading' animation]
Mon Nov 22 17:16:58 2021
P((B|A)|(A|B)) represents the probability that you'll mix up the order of the terms when using Bayesian notation.
Wed Nov 24 23:17:05 2021
The real challenge is how to file Boba Fett's biography of Doris Kearns Goodwin.
Fri Nov 26 21:17:01 2021
Directions from CITY OF TROY to ITHACA / Total time: 10y 54d 14h 25m / Warning: Route crosses an international border / route includes capture by the goddess Calypso / route includes a ferry
Mon Nov 29 21:16:18 2021
Hm, this burger place has a couple of good reviews, but LakeSlayer7 says he got food poisoning there and everyone should try this other place down by the lake instead.
Wed Dec 1 21:16:54 2021
Every time IERS adds or removes a leap second, they send me a birthday cake out of superstition.
Fri Dec 3 23:17:02 2021
Each one contains a chocolate shaped like a famous spacecraft and, for the later numbers, a pamphlet on managing anxiety.
Mon Dec 6 23:16:33 2021
Mark Zuckerberg has only neutral feelings toward Peppa Pig, who he understands is a fictional character, and he blames the coronavirus pandemic on other factors.
Wed Dec 8 23:16:35 2021
Biology is really struggling; they're barely at 93% and they keep finding more ants.
Fri Dec 10 17:16:25 2021
Increasing-precision timestamps are the Jaws theme of incident reports.
Mon Dec 13 11:16:45 2021
In addition to having all their budgets in a spreadsheet with consistent formatting, they just love expressing preferences on a well-calibrated numerical scale.
Wed Dec 15 23:16:27 2021
It's 10:34 PM for this user. They really need to get going, they have a thing early tomorrow. Are you sure you want to notify?
Fri Dec 17 17:16:10 2021
Thanks to the ForcedEntry exploit, your company's entire tech stack can now be hosted out of a PDF you texted to someone.
Mon Dec 20 17:16:37 2021
This plan may sound appealing to people who know a little about the immune system, but the drawbacks are clear to people who know a lot about the immune system and also to people who don't know anything about it.
Wed Dec 22 11:16:26 2021
A solid red area with two white lines means that you have been infected with the anti-coronavirus, COVID+19, which will cure anyone you have close contact with.
Fri Dec 24 23:16:35 2021
Update: Santa has been destroyed by the range safety officer.
Mon Dec 27 11:16:31 2021
You can find a perfect correlation if you just control for the residual.
Wed Dec 29 11:16:45 2021
Novel ideas and cool explosions are both good, but what I really want from a movie is novel ideas ABOUT cool explosions.
Fri Dec 31 11:16:22 2021
Neither group uses iso 8601 because the big-endian enthusiasts were all at the meeting 20 years ago.
Mon Jan 3 11:16:30 2022
I always felt like what the 'you are now aware of your tongue' thing neeeded in order to be truly enjoyable was an element of mortal peril.
Wed Jan 5 11:16:18 2022
RIP the surface of Mars
Fri Jan 7 23:16:36 2022
Each SCAPDFATIAT point increases the chance that the process will involve the phrase 'by the next business day.'
Mon Jan 10 17:16:16 2022
Arguably, the '1/2' in the drag equation is purely decorative, since drag coefficients are already unitless and could just as easily be half as big. Some derivations give more justification for the extra 1/2 than others, but one textbook just calls it 'a traditional tribute to Euler and Bernoulli.'
Wed Jan 12 12:16:12 2022
The worst is the Terrible Twos, when they're always throwing things and shrieking, "forsooth, to bed thou shalt not take me, cur!"
Fri Jan 14 17:16:15 2022
Other high scorers are melt-in-your-hand aluminum-destroying gallium and tritium-powered glowsticks. Lawn darts are toward the other end.
Mon Jan 17 23:16:29 2022
Frazzled scientists are requesting that everyone please stop generating hypotheses for a little bit while they work through the backlog.
Wed Jan 19 17:16:23 2022
We can ask the Earl for his order once he's fully extruded from the dispenser.
Fri Jan 21 23:16:06 2022
Current (water) running through the water (wires) causes it to boil, increasing the pressure (voltage), but resisting (impeding) the flow of hydroelectricity (water currents). This is the basis for Ohm's law.
Mon Jan 24 17:16:07 2022
ALERT: Human 910-25J-1Q38 has created a Youtube channel. Increase erratic jerkiness of flying by 30% until safely out of range.
Wed Jan 26 12:16:05 2022
Fine, we can go search the Himalayas for the Yeti ONE more time, but keep a safe altitude over the Pacific and PLEASE watch where you're going. We can't afford another Amelia Earhart incident.
Fri Jan 28 21:16:05 2022
I ADMIRE HOW YOU SET BOUNDARIES AND I HOPE YOUR COLLEAGUES RESPECT THEM! PLEASE SPARE MY LIFE!
Mon Jan 31 11:16:04 2022
CLARIFICATION: By 9/13, I mean September 13th, not the 9th day of Jancember, the cursed 13th month that exists between December and January in the transdimensional temporal plane.
Wed Feb 2 21:16:12 2022
Placeble 228 x/6 ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜
Fri Feb 4 21:16:13 2022
There are two rules on this ship: Never gaze back into the projection abyss, and never touch the red button labeled DYMAXION.
Mon Feb 7 17:16:07 2022
Merlin really shouldn't leave his dirt bike lying around.
Wed Feb 9 17:16:08 2022
Did you base the saucer shape on pop culture depictions of aliens, or was that stuff based on your ships? Does the rotational symmetry help with ... hey, where are you going?
Fri Feb 11 17:16:08 2022
Remember not to take it easy. Put a hot washcloth on your forehead, remain standing, and breathe dry air while taking lots of histamines. You need to give your body a chance to get sick again.
Mon Feb 14 23:16:07 2022
You will live on forever in our hearts, pushing a little extra blood toward our left hands now and then to give them a squeeze.
Wed Feb 16 23:16:19 2022
It's important to make sure your analysis destroys as much information as it produces.
Fri Feb 18 21:16:13 2022
And even though it all went wrong / I'll stand before the lord of song / with nothing on my tongue but 'I don't understand, I swear I backed up my keyboard config before messing with it'
Mon Feb 21 21:15:56 2022
Roundly-condemned headlinese initiative shuttered indefinitely.
Wed Feb 23 17:15:58 2022
I've developed a novel propulsion system powered by loss of precision in unit conversion.
Fri Feb 25 21:16:00 2022
If you ever see someone using a capital xi in an equation, just observe them quietly to learn as much as you can before they return to their home planet.
Mon Feb 28 17:15:56 2022
For the sake of simplicity, gardeners are assumed to move through Euclidean space--neglecting the distortion from general relativity--unless they are in the vicinity of a Schwarzschild Orchid.
Mon Feb 28 21:16:01 2022
For the sake of simplicity, gardeners are assumed to move through Euclidean space--neglecting the distortion from general relativity--unless they are in the vicinity of a Schwarzschild Orchid.
Wed Mar 2 17:15:58 2022
Single-elimination might provide more drama, but I think we can all agree that a comprehensive numerical scoring system will let us better judge the party's winner.
Fri Mar 4 17:15:52 2022
There are regularly placed bumps on the underside just the right size to press the rocker switch on the power strip.
Mon Mar 7 17:15:56 2022
Bald-faced hornets are only a 2 on the Schmidt pain index, so I shouldn't complain. The tennis ball ejected from the dryer exhaust vent could have ricocheted off the nest of a much higher-scoring insect before knocking me off the ladder. Really, I'm lucky.
Wed Mar 9 11:15:58 2022
Qua qua qua is the sine qua non of sine qua non qua sine qua non.
Fri Mar 11 11:15:56 2022
There are two types of dichotomy: False dichotomies, true dichotomies, and surprise trichotomies.
Mon Mar 14 21:15:54 2022
The foil on the toothpick represents the blue flash.
Wed Mar 16 11:15:55 2022
Now, you may argue that the varying hour lengths and feedback effects would cause chaos. To which I say, yeah, and I'm also curious to see how the weekday cycle interacts with it! So, you in?
Fri Mar 18 23:15:59 2022
A blow from Emmy's Cutlass of Variations will transport the dragon to a corresponding symmetric position in the Noetherworld.
Mon Mar 21 23:15:52 2022
I know it seems overwhelming, but don't worry; I'm sure most of them have only a few stars, and probably no planets.
Wed Mar 23 21:16:24 2022
"We can do 0.33 or 0.34, but our payroll software doesn't allow us to--" "NO DEAL."
Fri Mar 25 23:16:11 2022
They might make it past that first line of defense. For the second, you'll need some picture frames, a level, and a protractor that can do increments of less than a degree.
Mon Mar 28 21:16:18 2022
You say this daily walk will reduce my risk of death from cardiovascular disease by 30%, but also increase my risk of death by bear attack by 300%? That's a 280% increased! I'm not a sucker; I'm staying inside.
Wed Mar 30 17:15:51 2022
You can click to preorder to get a copy of What If? 2 when it comes out 9/13, assuming we all make it past the spider situation(?) on Tuesday(?).
Fri Apr 1 17:16:26 2022
Happy little turtles
Tue Apr 5 06:16:10 2022
You'd think 'linguistics' would go to someone important in the field, but it's actually assigned to a random student in Ohio who barely graduated and then went into automotive marketing.
Wed Apr 6 17:16:41 2022
The rope keeps breaking, I'm covered in bruises and scrapes, and I've barely reached the end of my driveway, but I don't care--I'm determined to become the first person to commute to work by tetherball.
Fri Apr 8 11:16:10 2022
The distinction between a ship and a boat is a line drawn in water.
Mon Apr 11 12:17:32 2022
The Taylor series should have been canceled after the first term.
Wed Apr 13 17:15:50 2022
U+2A0B ⨋ Mathematicians need to calm down
Fri Apr 15 17:16:04 2022
At first I didn't get why they were warning me about all those birds sitting on the wire, but then I understood.
Mon Apr 18 17:15:53 2022
Grandma says that because of differences in primate and feline lifespans, the cat is actually my 17,000,000th cousin 14,000,000 times removed.
Wed Apr 20 11:16:03 2022
No, we actually do have a woman who's basically part of our fellowship. She lives in Rivendell, you wouldn't know her.
Fri Apr 22 21:16:02 2022
Gödel should do an article on which branches of math have the lowest average theorem number.
Mon Apr 25 17:15:55 2022
The Stroop-YORP number of a scientific paper is how many of the 16 finalist names (sans 'effect') it manages to casually sneak into the text.
Wed Apr 27 11:16:31 2022
A lot of Jedi romances start with this turning into a Lady and the Tramp spaghetti situation.
Fri Apr 29 11:16:37 2022
The projection's north pole is in a small lake on the island of Mahé in the Seychelles, which is off the top of the map and larger than the rest of the Earth's land area combined.
Mon May 2 21:15:57 2022
It's like sigma summation notation, except instead of summing the argument over all values of i, you 2 the argument over all values of 2.
Thu May 5 06:16:31 2022
'We're shocked by the Notre Dame fire. Click for our tribute to--' [okay] 'Now that we're all staying at home these past few weeks thanks to this new coronavirus, we--' [okay]
Fri May 6 17:15:51 2022
Hey! No running in the back-arc basin!
Mon May 9 21:16:11 2022
OpenStreetMap was always pretty good but is also now *really* good? And Apple Maps's new zoomed-in design in certain cities like NYC and London is just gorgeous. It's cool how there are all these good maps now!
Wed May 11 17:16:31 2022
We carefully sampled the general population and found that most people are familiar with acquiescence bias.
Fri May 13 11:15:58 2022
A medicine that makes you put two dots over your letters more often is a diäretic.
Mon May 16 21:20:27 2022
Donate now to help us find a cure for causality. No one should have to suffer through events because of other events.
Wed May 18 23:15:57 2022
Oh sure, I know Keira Knightly, from the first movie in that series by The Land Before Time producer. You know, the franchise with the guy from Jurassic Park and Ghostwriter, and script work by Billie Lourd's mom?
Fri May 20 17:16:08 2022
Thank you to Katie Mack for teaching me about this effect, and to Janelle Shane for describing redshifts as 'like galaxies sinking into a pool of dilute blood,' which is how I'll see them from now on.
Mon May 23 12:15:51 2022
The film is set in 2018, but when Commander Bremberly chases the hologram through Times Square, there's a billboard for Avengers: Age of Ultron. Depending on the date, that billboard would have been advertising either Infinity War or this movie.
Wed May 25 12:15:54 2022
Also, they're getting increasingly worried that someone will accidentally hit the 'retract' button, and that the end of the cable thrashing around as it winds up could devastate the Earth's surface.
Fri May 27 11:15:56 2022
The combination croquet set/10-lane pool can also be used for some varieties of foosball and Skee-Ball.
Mon May 30 17:15:53 2022
They're robust against quantum attacks because it's hard to make a quantum system that large.
Wed Jun 1 11:15:54 2022
An x-ray gyroscope is used to determine exactly which toppings they included in the pita.
Fri Jun 3 17:15:57 2022
I can't speak for your other subjects, but MY motion was as smooth and natural as the framerate allowed.
Tue Jun 7 06:16:42 2022
Oh yeah, I didn't even know they renamed it the Willis Tower in 2009, because I know a normal amount about skyscrapers.
Wed Jun 8 11:15:54 2022
It's believed to be related to the Stellar Sea Cow.
Fri Jun 10 21:15:58 2022
They said after I got into a routine, I'd enjoy getting progressively stronger and stop whining so much about how hard exercise was. Well, they were half right!
Mon Jun 13 12:15:47 2022
"Ow! One of the petri dishes I left on the tower railing fell and hit me on the head! Hey, that gives me an idea..."
Wed Jun 15 06:16:08 2022
Employment statistics have to correct for the fact that the Weird Bug Hotline hires on a bunch of extra temporary staff every 17 years.
Fri Jun 17 23:15:56 2022
Some organization has been paying to keep this up and it hasn't been removed from search results. Seems like two votes of confidence to me.
Tue Jun 21 06:16:02 2022
Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they should, they didn't stop to think if they could.
Wed Jun 22 21:17:35 2022
If you don't end the 99 Bottles of Beer recursion at N=0 it just becomes The Other Song That Never Ends.
Fri Jun 24 21:16:35 2022
100he100k out th1s 1nno5at4e str1ng en100o501ng 15e been 500e5e50op1ng! 1t's 6rtua100y perfe100t! ...hang on, what's a "virtuacy"?
Mon Jun 27 21:16:03 2022
With most labs, the hushed horror stories are about something like dimethylmercury or prions, but occasionally you'll get a weird lab where it's about the soda machine or the drop ceiling.
Wed Jun 29 17:15:56 2022
It's nice how the end of the periodic table is flush with the edge these days, so I think we should agree no one should find any new elements after #118 unless they discover a whole row at once.
Fri Jul 1 17:16:00 2022
The math and philosophy people also claim everything, but the astronomers argue that the stuff they study really only comprises a small number of paper surfaces.
Mon Jul 4 17:16:19 2022
It's sad seeing those videos of turbine blade being torn apart in high winds, but it's the only way they can disperse their seeds.
Wed Jul 6 21:16:21 2022
See how the smoke obscures things so you don't see the approaching tornado until the firework streamers start to swirl right before the lightning hits the launcher. Thank God Cousin Ed was filming in slow motion. And, uh, that no one was hurt.
Wed Jul 6 23:16:10 2022
It's always bothered me that you can't cancel out an inverter by putting a second inverter after it.
Fri Jul 8 21:16:04 2022
These neutrinos were freshly produced by a local source just 8 minutes ago
Mon Jul 11 23:16:25 2022
[other side] If the first word of an instruction you're given starts with the same letter as your crush's name, for that step imagine the experimenter is your crush.
Wed Jul 13 12:15:57 2022
The best camera is the one at L2.
Fri Jul 15 21:15:55 2022
My liege, we were able to follow the ship into Minkowski space, but now they've jumped to Hilbert space and they could honestly be anywhere.
Mon Jul 18 11:15:56 2022
[As security is dragging me away] "Come on, at least I didn't make the mistake in the other direction!"
Wed Jul 20 17:15:59 2022
It's hard to believe, but lots of kids these days ONLY know how to buy prepackaged molecules.
Fri Jul 22 17:15:52 2022
I got banned from the county fair for handing out Helium-2 balloons. Apparently the instant massive plasma explosions violated some local ordinance or something.
Tue Jul 26 06:15:57 2022
If so great a deductive mind as Arthur Conan Doyle can be fooled by the Cottingley Deepfakes, what chance do we mortals have? Soon our very reality will be dictated by the whims of Frances (9) and Elsie (16).
Wed Jul 27 21:15:58 2022
You can still do powerline networking, but the bitrate does drop a little depending on the lightbulb warmup and cooldown delay.
Fri Jul 29 21:15:58 2022
Our work has produced great answers. Now someone just needs to figure out which questions they go with.
Mon Aug 1 23:15:59 2022
"My parents were both omnitaurs, which is how I got interested in recombination," said the normal human.
Wed Aug 3 11:16:26 2022
Ants have reverse chemtrails--regular citizens spraying chemicals everywhere they go to control the government.
Fri Aug 5 17:16:01 2022
'Does the substance feel weird to the touch?' is equally likely to get the answers 'Don't be ridiculous, you would never put your hand near a sample. We have safety protocols.' and 'Yeah, and it tastes AWFUL.'
Mon Aug 8 21:16:00 2022
Massage: Theoretical (10), Quantum (6), High-energy (2), Computational (1), Marine (1), Astro- (None)
Wed Aug 10 17:16:01 2022
Pronouncing [ṡṡċċḣḣẇẇȧȧ] is easy; you just say it like the 'x' in 'fire'.
Fri Aug 12 17:19:07 2022
Theoretical physicist: At the Planck length, uncountably many.
Mon Aug 15 17:16:59 2022
NEGATIVE REVIEWS MENTION: Unreliable internet. POSITIVE REVIEWS MENTION: Unreliable internet.
Wed Aug 17 17:16:40 2022
Curdled milk, of a peculiar kind, made after a Bulgarian recipe and called "yaghurt," is now a Parisian fad and is believed to be a remedy against growing old. A correspondent who has tried it, says he would prefer to die young. (1905, The Elk Falls Journal)
Fri Aug 19 21:17:02 2022
If you reach 122, you get complete unrevertible editorial control over Jeanne Calment's Wikipedia article.
Fri Aug 19 23:17:03 2022
If you reach 122, you get complete unrevertible editorial control over Jeanne Calment's Wikipedia article.
Mon Aug 22 17:15:56 2022
In general, avoid exposure to any temperatures, pressures, particle energies, or states of matter that physicists think are neat.
Wed Aug 24 23:15:52 2022
Ground-pole-ball-pole can be fun if you shake the first pole to get the second one whipping around dangerously, but the ball at the joint gets torn apart pretty fast.
Fri Aug 26 23:16:02 2022
'Why did you get into fluid dynamics?' 'Well, SOME planet has to have the coolest clouds, odds are it's not ours, and rockets are slow.'
Mon Aug 29 17:15:58 2022
Juraaaassic Park, Juraaaassic Park, God shed his grace on theeeee
Wed Aug 31 17:15:57 2022
In Universe Pro®™ the laws of physics remain unchanged under time reversal, to maintain backward compatibility.
Fri Sep 2 17:16:05 2022
To that stranger on the KOOL Tree House chat room, I gotta hand it to you: You were, ultimately, not wrong.
Mon Sep 5 17:16:02 2022
Another option: "It is an honor to be the first human to set foot on the moon."
Wed Sep 7 17:16:08 2022
Now I'm tempted to start telling people that I secretly don't actually know how to do any physics calculations, and so all the answers in What If are based on me actually trying to do the thing and then reporting what happened, but phrased as if it's hypothetical.
Fri Sep 9 23:15:56 2022
It's been extra bad ever since my GPS got stuck on Phoebe Judge mode.
Mon Sep 12 17:15:54 2022
It's okay, we can just feed the one-pixel image into an AI upscaler and recover the original image, or at least one that's just as cool.
Tue Sep 13 11:16:18 2022
Don't worry, the dogs are all fine. That's actually kind of the problem.
Fri Sep 16 17:16:25 2022
Serve one each to guests whose last cursed cocktail was more than 2 months ago.
Tue Sep 20 06:16:03 2022
Someday I just know I'm going to encounter a problem that requires 500 flashlights and 700 knives with weird holes in them, and on that day I won't be caught unprepared.
Wed Sep 21 21:16:00 2022
CELEBRATE: Serve passengers tiered cakes shaped like the airspace class diagram
Sat Sep 24 07:19:37 2022
Evidence suggests the 1899 transactions occurred as part of a global event centered around a deity associated with the lotus flower.
Mon Sep 26 11:15:57 2022
Our company can be your one-stop shop for decentralization.
Thu Sep 29 06:15:55 2022
Once the air from the top passes below the plane of the wing and catches sight of the spooky skulls, it panics, which is the cause of turbulent vortices.
Fri Sep 30 11:16:02 2022
It's made me way more excited about ferris wheels, subways, car washes, waterslides, and store entrances that have double doors with a divider in the middle.
Mon Oct 3 23:16:47 2022
It's okay, I'm at 10%, so I'm good for another month or two.
Wed Oct 5 17:16:13 2022
"I've always wanted to run naked through town, but I don't want to get in trouble with the king or be remembered by history as a weirdo. I wonder how I could ... EUREKA!"
Fri Oct 7 11:16:00 2022
"Friction-driven static electrification is familiar and fundamental in daily life, industry, and technology, but its basics have long been unknown and have continually perplexed scientists from ancient Greece to the high-tech era. [...] To date, no single theory can satisfactorily explain this mysterious but fundamental phenomenon." --Eui-Cheol Shin et. al. (2022)
Mon Oct 10 21:16:06 2022
The universe fandom is great. Such sweet and enthusiastic people.
Wed Oct 12 17:15:54 2022
I wonder how hard it would be to ride an electric scooter in a hamster ball.
Fri Oct 14 12:15:57 2022
"Sorry, doctor, I'm going to have to come in on a different day--I have another appointment that would be really hard to move, in terms of the kinetic energy requirements."
Mon Oct 17 21:16:29 2022
"Sir, it looked really cool." "Oh no--prestige TV. Okay, which of you has a terrible secret that's being slowly revealed to the audience through flashbacks? Just spit it out so we can escape this arc!"
Wed Oct 19 17:16:03 2022
Science tip: Scientists hardly ever use the two-dot division sign, and when they do it often doesn't even mean division, but they still get REALLY mad when you repurpose it to write stuff like SALE! ALL SHOES 30÷ OFF!
Fri Oct 21 11:16:17 2022
The theory finally unifies cosmic inflation and regular inflation.
Mon Oct 24 17:15:57 2022
Mathematicians quickly determined that it spells ANT BNECN, an unusual theoretical dish which was not successfully cooked until Andrew Wiles made it for breakfast in the 1990s.
Mon Oct 24 23:15:56 2022
Mathematicians quickly determined that it spells ANT BNECN, an unusual theoretical dish which was not successfully cooked until Andrew Wiles made it for breakfast in the 1990s.
Wed Oct 26 11:16:06 2022
Although I hear they were caught cheating off of Rosalind, who sat at a desk in front of them.
Fri Oct 28 21:16:01 2022
WARNING: PEOPLE NAMED EVE ARE PROHIBITED FROM INSTALLING THIS APP!
Mon Oct 31 17:16:04 2022
It all came flat-packed in Pandora's Box.
Tue Nov 1 21:16:27 2022
It all came flat-packed in Pandora's Box.
Wed Nov 2 12:15:58 2022
Their 'best philosophy of epistemology' picks are great, but you can tell they're struggling a little in the 'why you should trust us' section.
Fri Nov 4 23:16:31 2022
At first I thought I would need some gold or something to pay him, but then I realized that it was the 18th century and I could just bring a roll of aluminum foil.
Mon Nov 7 06:16:14 2022
You might want to bring your frost-sensitive plants in from the patio. The high-level aerosols may result in short-term cooling across the entire backyard.
Wed Nov 9 06:16:22 2022
'Barack Obama is much less likely than the average cat to jump in and out of cardboard boxes for fun' is low precision, but I'm not sure about the accuracy.
Thu Nov 10 21:16:15 2022
'Barack Obama is much less likely than the average cat to jump in and out of cardboard boxes for fun' is low precision, but I'm not sure about the accuracy.
Fri Nov 11 12:16:09 2022
It's taken me 20 years, but I've finally finished rebuilding all my software to use 33-bit signed ints.
Mon Nov 14 11:16:21 2022
"Even split between us, this will pay way better than the Jumanji sponsorship I came into the date with."
Wed Nov 16 17:16:05 2022
Below the Web, and the Dark Web, a shadowy parallel world of Cybiko users trade messages on the Translucent Neon Plastic Web.
Fri Nov 18 21:16:26 2022
My password is just every Unicode codepoint concatenated into a single UTF-8 string.
Mon Nov 21 11:15:59 2022
Squinting at a graph is fine for getting a rough idea of the answer, but if you want to pretend to know it exactly, you neeed statistics.
Mon Nov 21 21:16:18 2022
Squinting at a graph is fine for getting a rough idea of the answer, but if you want to pretend to know it exactly, you need statistics.
Wed Nov 23 17:15:59 2022
BABIES OR LITERATURE BUT NOT BOTH: Baby shoes
Fri Nov 25 17:15:59 2022
CONFLICT OF INTEREST STATEMENT: The authors hope these results are correct because we all want to be cool people who are good at science.
Mon Nov 28 21:16:24 2022
It's okay, they can figure out which control positions produce scalding water via a trial-and-error feedback loop with a barely-perceptible 10-second lag.
Wed Nov 30 21:16:24 2022
Spacetime Soccer, known outside the United States as '4D Football' is a now-defunct sport. Infamous for referee decisions hinging on inconsistent definitions of simultaneity, it is also known for the disappearance of many top players during... [more]
Thu Dec 1 17:16:01 2022
Spacetime Soccer, known outside the United States as '4D Football' is a now-defunct sport. Infamous for referee decisions hinging on inconsistent definitions of simultaneity, it is also known for the disappearance of many top players during... [more]
Fri Dec 2 21:16:15 2022
Squaring the circle is really easy with some good clamps.
Mon Dec 5 17:15:59 2022
I adopted a cat that weighs 12 solar masses. Laser pointers love chasing it.
Wed Dec 7 17:16:06 2022
If you ever see the † dagger symbol with no unmatched footnote, it means the writer is saying the phrase while threatening you with a dagger.
Thu Dec 8 17:15:54 2022
If you ever see the † dagger symbol with no unmatched footnote, it means the writer is saying the phrase while threatening you with a dagger.
Sat Dec 10 06:16:48 2022
The Earth is, on average, located in the habitable zone, but at any given time it has a certain probability of being outside it, which is why life exists on Earth but is mortal.
Mon Dec 12 21:15:59 2022
A hydroelectric dam is also known as a heavy water reactor.
Wed Dec 14 23:16:09 2022
If you want to bowl a strike, the optimal place is almost certainly inside a bowling alley, although with a little luck any establishment uphill from one could also work.
Fri Dec 16 06:15:59 2022
If you want to bowl a strike, the optimal place is almost certainly inside a bowling alley, although with a little luck any establishment uphill from one could also work.
Fri Dec 16 17:15:55 2022
It's a long way down.
Mon Dec 19 23:15:57 2022
In general you should only include your single best data point in the paper. The rest of the data can go in the supplementary materials.
Wed Dec 21 17:15:54 2022
Our investigation into whining-based remedies became the first study to be halted by the IRB on the grounds that the treatment group was 'too annoying.'
Fri Dec 23 06:16:01 2022
The presents under the tree are actually a single gift connected by an underground ribbon system.
Fri Dec 23 11:15:55 2022
The presents under the tree are actually a single gift connected by an underground ribbon system.
Mon Dec 26 17:15:57 2022
One good trick, if you get called on a fake service, is to build a working version of it and mention it again the next week.
Tue Dec 27 17:16:13 2022
It's difficult to orbit L6 stably due to gravitational perturbation from Akron and Toledo.
Fri Dec 30 17:16:04 2022
[Earlier, at the eye doctor] 'No, for the last time, the numerals on the paper aren't my prescription, it's the shape I want you to make with the laser.'
Mon Jan 2 21:16:19 2023
Oops, All Neutrons is also known as Neutral Quadrium, Nydnonen, and Goth Tritium.
Wed Jan 4 17:15:55 2023
Sorry, I've just always had these random things I don't like--like olives, or robots drilling holes in me without warning.
Fri Jan 6 17:16:03 2023
Things Leonhard Euler created ( most of math ( overlapping circle diagrams ) a cricket bowling machine ) Things John Venn created
Mon Jan 9 17:16:02 2023
NOTE TO FUTURE ETYMONLINGUISTS: Our best guess is that 'blimp' is onomatopoeia. The 'B-Limp' thing is a folk etymology.
Wed Jan 11 11:16:02 2023
Researchers claim to have synthesized six additional elements in the second row, temporarily named 'pentium' through 'unnilium'.
Fri Jan 13 11:16:03 2023
I guess the engineers who built my dishwasher MIGHT have some insight into how to load it, but instead of reading the booklet they gave me, it seems easier to experiment for years and then get in arguments so heated that I get banned from Quora.
Mon Jan 16 21:16:08 2023
Who can forget the early 2010s memes? 'You know you're a 90s kid if you remember the feeling of warm sunlight on your face.' 'Only 90s kids remember the dawn.'
Wed Jan 18 21:16:12 2023
If you think THAT'S unethical, you should see the stuff we approved via our Placebo IRB.
Fri Jan 20 11:16:09 2023
If you think THAT'S unethical, you should see the stuff we approved via our Placebo IRB.
Fri Jan 20 21:15:57 2023
At least there's a general understanding all around that Doctor Who is its own thing.
Mon Jan 23 23:16:01 2023
I just think lane markers should follow the local magnetic declination.
Wed Jan 25 17:16:00 2023
I'll take mine on the rocks, no ice.
Fri Jan 27 11:16:10 2023
Surely (no one/everyone) will (recognize how flexible and useful this architecture is/spend a huge amount of effort painstakingly preserving and updating this garbage I wrote in 20 minutes)
Mon Jan 30 11:19:05 2023
According to my especially unsupervised K-means clustering algorithm, there are currently about 8 billion types of people in the world.
Wed Feb 1 17:16:10 2023
If an anatomical structure is named for a person, it means they were the only person to have it. Pierre Paul Broca had a special area of his brain that created powerful magnetic fields, enabling him to do 19th century fMRI research.
Fri Feb 3 21:16:21 2023
If you shrank the Solar System to the size of Texas, the Houston metro area would be smaller than a grasshopper in Dallas.
Mon Feb 6 17:16:14 2023
There's quark color, but that's not really color--it's just an admission by 20th century physicists that numbers are boring.
Wed Feb 8 11:16:09 2023
3D graphs that don't contact the plane in the closure area may proceed as scheduled, but be alert for possible collisions with 2D graph lines that reach the hole and unexpectedly enter 3D space.
Fri Feb 10 23:16:10 2023
If you ever want to get beaten up by a bunch of graphic designers, try removing the serifs from Times New Roman and adding them to Comic Sans.
Mon Feb 13 23:17:43 2023
'Pour one out for precipitation data integrity,' I say, solemnly upending the glass into the rain gauge.
Wed Feb 15 11:16:01 2023
The Gordian knot is an omniknot tied using every bend in the Ashley Book of Knots, and then for extra security the upper rope at every crossing is connected to the lower with a randomly-chosen hitch.
Thu Feb 16 21:16:34 2023
The Gordian knot is an omniknot tied using every bend in the Ashley Book of Knots, and then for extra security the upper rope at every crossing is connected to the lower with a randomly-chosen hitch.
Fri Feb 17 11:16:35 2023
[exclamation about how cute your cat is] -> [last 4 digits of your cat's chip ID] -> [your cat's full chip ID] -> [a drawing of your cat] -> [photo of your cat] -> [clone of your cat] -> [your actual cat] -> [my better cat]
Mon Feb 20 17:16:15 2023
I also managed to improve the solution for n=1 to s<0.97, and with some upgrades I think I can hit 0.96.
Wed Feb 22 17:15:56 2023
"I wish for everything in the world. All the people, money, trees, etc." "Are you SURE you--" "And I want you to put it in my house."
Fri Feb 24 12:15:48 2023
I always hate dragging around the larger archipelagos, but I appreciate how the Scandanavian peninsula flexes outward to create a snug pocket for the British Isles.
Mon Feb 27 11:16:33 2023
I know hand dryers have their problems, but I think for fun we should keep egging Dyson on and see if we can get them to make one where the airflow breaks the speed of sound.
Wed Mar 1 11:16:04 2023
I was eventually kicked out of my architectural engineering program because I wouldn't stop referring to HVAC as "the fandom."
Fri Mar 3 11:16:55 2023
As the editor has reportedly defeated Death in a series of games of skill, no further obituaries are expected.
Mon Mar 6 23:17:00 2023
"Confirmed, we have to scrub." "Ugh, okay. I'll get the bucket and sponge."
Tue Mar 7 17:16:59 2023
"Confirmed, we have to scrub." "Ugh, okay. I'll get the bucket and sponge."
Wed Mar 8 17:17:03 2023
A lot of these are actually non-venomous, but I can see which species you mistook them for. If you pause the crane for a sec I can give you some ID pointers for next time!
Fri Mar 10 17:17:01 2023
Phil Plait once pointed out that you can calculate the total angular area of the sky this way. If the sky is a sphere with radius 57.3 degrees, then its area is 4*pi*r^2=41,253 square degrees. This makes dimensional analysts SO mad, but you can't argue with results.
Mon Mar 13 21:16:53 2023
It's very hard to detect, but recent studies have determined that when plasma B cells are producing antibodies, they go 'pew pew pew'
Wed Mar 15 17:17:01 2023
We'll turn the asteroid belt into ball bearings to go between different rings orbiting at different speeds.
Fri Mar 17 17:17:03 2023
My bracket has 76 trombones led by John Philip Sousa facing off against thousands of emperor penguins led by Morgan Freeman.
Mon Mar 20 17:15:58 2023
The US uses hollowed-out salt domes to store the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, and non-hollowed-out ones to store the Strategic Salt Reserve.
Wed Mar 22 23:17:02 2023
It maintains odor levels in a normal familiar range, so if you open the windows and the air gets too fresh, it filters it through some dirty laundry samples to compensate.
Thu Mar 23 17:17:00 2023
It maintains odor levels in a normal familiar range, so if you open the windows and the air gets too fresh, it filters it through some dirty laundry samples to compensate.
Fri Mar 24 21:16:51 2023
Small sewing machines are sewing machines that are smaller than a sewing machine. A sewing machine is larger than a small sewing machine, but quieter than a loud sewing machine.
Mon Mar 27 11:16:57 2023
Subgroup analysis is ongoing.
Wed Mar 29 17:16:59 2023
'So how DID you go from working at the employment records office to becoming president of MIT and CEO of IBM?' 'I guess I just have an eye for opportunities.'
Fri Mar 31 21:16:55 2023
"Hi, what you do is fly over a designated zone and detach the--" "WE'RE SORRY, THE MOBILE CUSTOMER YOU ARE TRYING TO REACH IS OUT OF SERVICE"
Mon Apr 3 21:17:00 2023
When an Ur guy / sells Nanni things / but the copper's bad, / He simply records his complaint for all time / "I got a bad deal / I'm maaaaad"
Wed Apr 5 23:17:03 2023
'Lever' was originally an acronym for Load Emplification by the Vimulated Emission of Radiation.
Fri Apr 7 23:17:31 2023
Nowadays the only ones left that do anything are turtles.
Mon Apr 10 23:16:57 2023
There's a version that shows the planets with no cropping, but it's hard to find a display that supports it.
Wed Apr 12 21:17:03 2023
Even if a planet is lucky enough to have a stable orbit that weaves between the spikes, the seasons get weird whenever it passes close to them.
Fri Apr 14 11:16:14 2023
The E's wedding invitation definitely used the word LOVE more times than was strictly necessary.
Tue Apr 18 06:17:01 2023
Later renouncing clickbait, Einstein called his inclusion of cosmological content in general relativity the biggest blunder of his career.
Thu Apr 20 06:16:08 2023
Later renouncing clickbait, Einstein called his inclusion of cosmological content in general relativity the biggest blunder of his career.
Thu Apr 20 12:15:52 2023
Gotta go fast
Sat Apr 22 11:16:56 2023
The government has been trying to sell off the Federal Helium Reserve for a few years now, but the sale has been on hold while they try to figure out how to explain this situation to buyers.
Mon Apr 24 21:16:08 2023
It says to cut the onions into 1/4" slices, but I'd better correct for length contraction.
Wed Apr 26 23:16:09 2023
Yeah, my math teacher back in high school set up the system to try to teach us something or other, but the 100% rate was unbelievably good, so I engineered a hostile takeover of his bank and now use it to make extra cash on the side.
Fri Apr 28 17:16:58 2023
"The Venn diagram of the sun and the moon is a circle." --someone being snarky at totality
Mon May 1 11:16:56 2023
Using a reflective wall in a game to give one shot two chances to hit is called a double-tapetum lucidum.
Wed May 3 23:16:57 2023
'Your chitin armor is no match for our iron-tipped stingers! Better go hide in your jars!' --common playground taunt
Fri May 5 21:16:58 2023
[Below] On this site on May 12th, 2023, I finally learned how to use the masonry bit for my drill.
Mon May 8 17:16:08 2023
This rumpled fabric at the corner looks like evidence of ongoing tectonic activity.
Wed May 10 17:16:55 2023
I don't understand why anyone would pay full price for a flatbed truck rental when you can buy 'DETOUR' signs online for like $10.
Fri May 12 11:16:55 2023
ADDITIONAL NOTES: Fixed a bug that caused some rocks to generate virtually infinite heat while just sitting there.
Mon May 15 17:16:59 2023
They often use ball lenses to collect light at the ends of optical fibers, so when you look stuff up on the internet you're actually scrying through a crystal ball.
Wed May 17 17:17:03 2023
They often use ball lenses to collect light at the ends of optical fibers, so when you look stuff up on the internet you're actually scrying through a crystal ball.
Wed May 17 21:16:58 2023
Party Mode also enables the feature, but reverses the slider.
Fri May 19 21:17:00 2023
My connection to it goes way back, to my early days, when I was just a cloud of primordial hydrogen collapsing in the darkness of space.
Mon May 22 23:15:55 2023
Tau Ceti is farther away, so it took me 36 years to start the war over updog.
Wed May 24 23:17:02 2023
The Hubble length is about 1.9 meters lying down; Edwin Hubble was a tall guy.
Fri May 26 23:17:00 2023
Plato made the solids, and five were gifted to the mathematicians. But in secret Plato forged a sixth solid to rule over all the others.
Mon May 29 11:16:55 2023
I would never stoop to vandalism, but I'm not above discreetly deleting the occasional 'this article contains excessive amounts of detail' tag.
Wed May 31 17:17:04 2023
We were able to replicate and confirm prior authors' detection of a moon orbiting the Earth with high confidence.
Fri Jun 2 17:17:11 2023
After a pail of water was thrown on the Wicked Witch of the West outside Salt Lake City, Utah's Great Salt Lake was measured to be 7 parts per trillion witch by volume.
Mon Jun 5 17:17:04 2023
I have so many plans. It would incorporate a Galton board, a Ranque-Hilsch marble vortex tube, and a compartment lined with pinball bouncers with a camera-and-servo Maxwell's Demon that separated the balls into fast and slow sides.
Wed Jun 7 17:17:02 2023
[Decades in the future] "Well, the good news is that we've received definitive communication from aliens. The bad news is that they're asking about Cats (2019)."
Fri Jun 9 17:17:01 2023
90% of the iceberg is hidden beneath the water, but that 90% only uses 10% of its brain, so it's really only 9%.
Mon Jun 12 17:17:02 2023
In the Hall of the Mountain King was accidentally composed on log/log paper.
Wed Jun 14 21:16:58 2023
Oh no, I haven't checked in with Yvonne in YEARS.
Fri Jun 16 17:17:04 2023
If I'm not going to upgrade to a powered one, I should at LEAST stop leaving the door open so often.
Mon Jun 19 17:17:08 2023
Of course, I sort all my bookshelves the normal way, alphabetically (by first sentence).
Wed Jun 21 17:17:05 2023
Then I'll start work on my lunar engines to line the Moon up with the ecliptic so we can have a solar eclipse every month (with a little wobble so they're not always on the equator.)
Fri Jun 23 12:17:00 2023
Arboretum Owner Denied Standing in Garden Path Suit on Grounds Grounds Appealing Appealing
Mon Jun 26 11:15:56 2023
Listen, you're very cute, but if you rearrange the alphabet to put U and I together it will RUIN the spacing!
Wed Jun 28 11:16:00 2023
You can pour a drink into it while hosting a party, although it's a real pain to fit in the dishwasher afterward.
Wed Jun 28 17:16:03 2023
You can pour a drink into it while hosting a party, although it's a real pain to fit in the dishwasher afterward.
Fri Jun 30 11:15:53 2023
Mars does get a good score on 'noise levels' and 'scenic views,' but the school district ranking isn't great; the only teacher--the Perseverance rover--is too busy with rock samples to teach more than the occasional weekend class.
Mon Jul 3 12:15:54 2023
Slowly progressing from 'how do protons behave in relativistic collisions?' to 'what the heck are protons even doing when they're just sitting there?'
Wed Jul 5 17:15:57 2023
They're also refusing to fund my device that demonstrates uncontrolled hot fusion.
Fri Jul 7 23:15:59 2023
When I began trying to form a new claim by stitching together these parts in such an unnatural way, some called me mad.
Mon Jul 10 11:16:02 2023
It's just that I get nervous about heights.
Tue Jul 11 21:16:01 2023
It's just that I get nervous about heights.
Thu Jul 13 06:16:04 2023
I actually kind of feel like John and Surf King wouldn't like each other, which is a lot to unpack.
Fri Jul 14 21:15:57 2023
I feel bad for Earth 2 and their shadowflies.
Mon Jul 17 23:17:02 2023
The Atlantic is expanding at about 10 ppm (points per month).
Wed Jul 19 11:16:00 2023
The increasing number of graham crackers and chocolate bars in orbit has created a growing risk of Kessler s'mores.
Fri Jul 21 17:15:57 2023
Refs generally say that you can exercise enough altitude control to avoid the ground, but if you start strategically choosing air layers to steer yourself, that's traveling.
Tue Jul 25 06:16:21 2023
The vaccine stuff seems pretty simple. But if you take a closer look at the data, it's still simple, but bigger. And slightly blurry. Might need reading glasses.
Wed Jul 26 21:16:46 2023
Positive vibes/longitudes only
Fri Jul 28 17:15:56 2023
Mr. Jones, watch out for Ms. Lenhart! She's from genus Photuris!
Mon Jul 31 17:16:01 2023
I mean, it's pretty, but it doesn't really affect us beyond that. Except that half the nights aren't really dark, and once or twice a day it makes the oceans flood the coasts.
Wed Aug 2 17:16:14 2023
The ideal mix for maximum competitive cable-coiling energy is one A/V tech, one rock climber, one sailor, and one topologist.
Fri Aug 4 17:16:14 2023
Their crash investigation team had some particularly harsh words for Dave Matthews.
Mon Aug 7 21:16:07 2023
Getting the utility people to run transmission lines to Earth is expensive, but it will pay for itself in no time.
Tue Aug 8 17:15:59 2023
Getting the utility people to run transmission lines to Earth is expensive, but it will pay for itself in no time.
Wed Aug 9 17:15:56 2023
FYI: The 'drop, cover, and hold on' advice only applies to earthquakes. If you encounter a mountain lion, you should absolutely not drop to the ground, crawl under it, and hold on to one of its legs.
Fri Aug 11 11:15:59 2023
When speaking out loud, you can can call it the 'Perseids meatier shower' and no one will ever know. (If you do get caught somehow, just tell them to Google the 'Kentucky meat shower' and that will distract them while you escape.)
Mon Aug 14 17:16:48 2023
I'm glad modern car washes use synthetic baleen, instead of harvesting it from whales like 1800s car washes did.
Wed Aug 16 17:16:40 2023
The best place to be for a hug eclipse is a scenic natural area with good views and few clouds. The worst place to be is the lunar surface.
Fri Aug 18 17:16:03 2023
They tried to report me to the authorities, but because I had the device they couldn't charge me.
Mon Aug 21 21:16:02 2023
A circle with an A in it means that the circuit has committed a sin and has been marked as punishment.
Wed Aug 23 17:16:09 2023
I pronounce the 'u' in 'pronunciation' like in 'putting' but the 'ou' in 'pronounce' like in 'wound'.
Fri Aug 25 06:16:22 2023
I pronounce the 'u' in 'pronunciation' like in 'putting' but the 'ou' in 'pronounce' like in 'wound'.
Fri Aug 25 21:16:14 2023
An apple fell on Isaac Newton's head and gave him the idea that the moon might be a tasty apple, though this turned out not to be true--the Apollo program eventually determined that it was just a desolate and bland Red Delicious.
Mon Aug 28 21:16:21 2023
Of course you get an ice cream cone for the swimmer too! You're not a monster.
Wed Aug 30 21:16:24 2023
Hi all, just replying to loop in *@outlook.com and *@yahoo.com.
Thu Aug 31 11:16:42 2023
Hi all, just replying to loop in *@outlook.com and *@yahoo.com.
Fri Sep 1 21:16:15 2023
The two best reasons to get into fossils are booping trilobites and getting to say the word "fossiliferous" a lot.
Mon Sep 4 21:16:21 2023
Escape Artist Frees Self From Conversation With Pickup Artist
Wed Sep 6 17:16:14 2023
Of course in reality this is just a US/UK thing; in British English, 'fall' is the brief period in between and 'autumn' is the main season.
Fri Sep 8 23:16:10 2023
It can be expensive to hire a professional spectroscopist for your wedding, but the quality of the spectra you get is worth it.
Mon Sep 11 17:16:08 2023
Sequoia Brussels sprouts are delicious but it's pretty hard to finish one.
Wed Sep 13 11:16:43 2023
NASA prefers to say that their rovers are 'looking for signs of past life on Mars' and not 'ghost hunting.'
Fri Sep 15 11:16:09 2023
Our experimental aerogel iceberg with helium pockets manages true 100% efficiency, barely touching the water, and it can even lift off of the surface and fly to more efficiently pursue fleeing hubristic liners.
Sun Sep 17 12:16:05 2023
Our experimental aerogel iceberg with helium pockets manages true 100% efficiency, barely touching the water, and it can even lift off of the surface and fly to more efficiently pursue fleeing hubristic liners.
Mon Sep 18 17:16:11 2023
You can leave at any time through the door over there. It's a Louisville door, so you'll need to find a compatible knob. No, don't be silly, that one is a Lexington knob! Of course it won't fit.
Wed Sep 20 17:16:08 2023
Theranos partnership: Sorry, we know, but we signed the contract back before all the stuff and the lawyers say we can't back out, so just try to keep your finger away from the bottom of the phone.
Fri Sep 22 21:16:04 2023
If they're going to make people ride bikes and scooters in traffic, then it should at LEAST be legal to do the Snow Crash thing where you use a hook-shot-style harpoon to catch free rides from cars.
Sun Sep 24 12:16:07 2023
If they're going to make people ride bikes and scooters in traffic, then it should at LEAST be legal to do the Snow Crash thing where you use a hook-shot-style harpoon to catch free rides from cars.
Mon Sep 25 23:16:09 2023
I was, at least at the start of this disastrous game night, your friend.
Tue Sep 26 11:16:17 2023
I was, at least at the start of this disastrous game night, your friend.
Wed Sep 27 17:16:43 2023
I've been working my way through this 1950s podcast by someone named John Tolkien called 'Lord of the Rings'--it's a deep dive into this fictional world he created. Good stuff, really bingeable!
Fri Sep 29 17:16:10 2023
So what do we do when we get to base 10? Do we use A, B, C, etc? No: Numbers larger than about 3.6 million are simply illegal.
Mon Oct 2 17:16:07 2023
[after a minute] "Okay, I think I've got it, thanks. Can I--" "oOOOooOOooo!"
Wed Oct 4 17:16:28 2023
Ugh, it says they attempted delivery but "Nobody was home."
Fri Oct 6 17:16:11 2023
Running for office in Minnesota on the single-issue platform 'dig a permanent channel through the Traverse Gap because it will make this map more satisfying.'
Mon Oct 9 17:16:26 2023
My first words were 'These were my first words; what were yours?'
Wed Oct 11 17:16:16 2023
The Earth's magnetic field is primarily generated by currents in the liquid outer core, though some geophysicists argue that an unexplained mismatch with models suggests that the Kinder toy contains a magnet.
Fri Oct 13 21:16:23 2023
Speed Limit: 45 MPH / Minimum: 65 MPH
Mon Oct 16 21:16:19 2023
Look, I just think we need to stop coddling those hedonistic roundabout hogs who get into the inner lane and circle for hours, wasting valuable capacity.
Wed Oct 18 23:16:21 2023
Interpretations of the Hermeneutic Oath differ.
Fri Oct 20 12:16:16 2023
Created by the collapse of: [massive stars] [Florida limestone bedrock]
Mon Oct 23 11:16:11 2023
The Late Heavy Bombardment was followed a few billion years later by the Comparatively Light but Oddly Specific Bombardment.
Wed Oct 25 11:16:12 2023
I average out the spring and fall changes and just set my clocks 39 minutes ahead year-round.
Fri Oct 27 17:16:14 2023
These anomalies are known as Miyake events, named for the pioneering scientist who discovered them and was tragically devoured by a carnivorous tree.
Mon Oct 30 21:16:17 2023
Any electrician will warn you to first locate and flip the house's CAUSALITY circuit breaker before touching the CIRCUIT BREAKERS one.
Wed Nov 1 11:16:12 2023
If you live in Los Angeles (around 33°52'N, roughly the latitude of Hermosa Beach) the black hole in V404 Cygni passes over you each day. On Christmas Day it will be directly overhead around 2pm.
Wed Nov 1 17:16:12 2023
If you live in Los Angeles (around 33°52'N, roughly the latitude of Hermosa Beach) the black hole in V404 Cygni passes over you each day. On Christmas Day it will be directly overhead around 2pm.
Fri Nov 3 17:17:17 2023
"The police told me I can't be a doctor, but whenever they show up I just go into the Google Maps settings page I found and change the house to 'Police Headquarters' and then they have to do what I say."
Mon Nov 6 12:16:13 2023
The debate over the correct Messier number for the Ship of Theseus is ongoing.
Wed Nov 8 11:17:48 2023
The ball's density also varies, but players don't learn the value until after choosing their raquets. The infamous 'bowling ball table tennis' region of the parameter space often leads to equipment damage.
Fri Nov 10 17:16:08 2023
So do you have any plans for z=-0.000000000000045?
Mon Nov 13 17:16:17 2023
They estimate the rocket should be free by approximately ... uh ... well, in about two hours.
Mon Nov 13 23:16:25 2023
They estimate the rocket should be free by approximately ... uh ... well, in about two hours.
Wed Nov 15 21:17:59 2023
The problems started with my resolution next year to reject temporal causality.
Fri Nov 17 21:19:25 2023
If a materials scientist gives you a present, always ask whether regifting will incur any requirements for Federal paperwork.
Mon Nov 20 21:18:45 2023
The mainstream dogma sparked a wave of dogmatic revisionism, and this revisionist mainstream dogmatism has now given way to a more rematic mainvisionist dogstream.
Tue Nov 21 17:16:36 2023
The mainstream dogma sparked a wave of dogmatic revisionism, and this revisionist mainstream dogmatism has now given way to a more rematic mainvisionist dogstream.
Wed Nov 22 17:16:27 2023
An occasional source of mild Thanksgiving tension in my family is that my mother is a die-hard fan of The Core (2003), and various family members sometimes have differing levels of enthusiasm for her annual tradition of watching it.
Fri Nov 24 17:17:14 2023
Shipping times vary. Same-ocean delivery may only take a few years, but delivery from the Weddell Sea in Antarctica may take multiple decades, and molecules meant for inland seas like the Mediterranean may be returned as undeliverable by surface currents.
Mon Nov 27 11:17:46 2023
Shipping times vary. Same-ocean delivery may only take a few years, but delivery from the Weddell Sea in Antarctica may take multiple decades, and molecules meant for inland seas like the Mediterranean may be returned as undeliverable by surface currents.
Mon Nov 27 17:16:40 2023
Unlike an Iron Age collapse, a Bronze Age collapse releases energy, since copper and tin are past the iron peak on the curve of binding energy.
Wed Nov 29 12:17:01 2023
Unlike an Iron Age collapse, a Bronze Age collapse releases energy, since copper and tin are past the iron peak on the curve of binding energy.
Wed Nov 29 17:16:16 2023
The value of n is still unknown, but new results constrain it to fall between 8 and 10^500, ruling out popular 'n=1' and 'n=2' theories.
Fri Dec 1 21:16:33 2023
Now that airlines have started adding wheel locks to their drink carts, less than half of flights have one accidentally fall out through the hole.
Mon Dec 4 17:16:27 2023
And over heeee[...]eeeere (i)s Saturn.
Wed Dec 6 17:16:29 2023
People may complain about readability, but even with jpeg compression, extracting the data points is usually computationally feasible if there aren't too many of them.
Fri Dec 8 17:16:41 2023
The phantom found Edward Everett Hale a century too early; by the time we invented satellites, the specifics of his 'brick moon' proposal were dismissed as science fiction.
Fri Dec 8 21:16:34 2023
The phantom found Edward Everett Hale a century too early; by the time we invented satellites, the specifics of his 'brick moon' proposal were dismissed as science fiction.
Mon Dec 11 23:16:17 2023
For someone who has ostensibly outgrown staying up late waiting for Santa, I do spend an awful lot of time refreshing websites to see if packages are here yet.
Wed Dec 13 17:16:19 2023
It's not just time zones and leap seconds. SI seconds on Earth are slower because of relativity, so there are time standards for space stuff (TCB, TGC) that use faster SI seconds than UTC/Unix time. T2 - T1 = [God doesn't know and the Devil isn't telling.]
Fri Dec 15 11:16:43 2023
Even with a blank map, a lot of people can only name 45-50 of the 64 states.
Mon Dec 18 17:16:19 2023
Why couldn't the amulet have been hidden by Aunt Alice, who understands modern key exchange algorithms?
Wed Dec 20 21:16:24 2023
The Piña Colada song carves a trajectory across the chart over the course of the song.
Fri Dec 22 17:19:14 2023
A really mean prank you can play on someone who's picky about words is to add a 'definitely->definitively' autocorrect rule to their keyboard.
Mon Dec 25 11:16:22 2023
Benthic Santas weren't even discovered until the 1970s, but many scientists now believe Christmas may have originally developed around hydrothermal vents and only later migrated to the surface.
Wed Dec 27 17:16:17 2023
High-speed collisions at the Baby Park track may support the hypothesis that Daisy is her own evil twin, a theory first suggested by Nintendo in the game Majorana's Mask.
Fri Dec 29 21:16:23 2023
The HVAC bill for installing the Gulf Stream was enormous.
Mon Jan 1 17:16:22 2024
It wasn't originally constitutionally required, but presidents who served two terms have traditionally followed George Washington's example and gotten false teeth.
Wed Jan 3 11:16:21 2024
The Range Mischief Officer has modified the trajectory to add a single random spin somewhere in the flight, but won't tell us where.
Fri Jan 5 17:16:10 2024
Hypothermia of below 98.6 K should be treated by leaving the giant molecular cloud and moving to the vicinity of a star.
Mon Jan 8 11:16:17 2024
They're a little cagey about exactly where the crossover point lies relative to the likelihood of devastating effects on the planet.
Wed Jan 10 21:16:20 2024
A lot of sentences undergo startling shifts in mood if you add 'like this one' to the end, but high on the list is 'I'm a neurologist studying dreams.'
Fri Jan 12 17:16:47 2024
A left-handed sheet bend creates a much weaker connection, especially under moderate loads.
Mon Jan 15 23:16:21 2024
After some account issues, we've added 6 new people from the beach house rental website support forum.
Wed Jan 17 17:16:31 2024
For decades I've been working off the accumulated rotation from one long afternoon on a merry-go-round when I was eight.
Fri Jan 19 21:16:20 2024
They didn't bring us a gift, but considering the kinetic energy of a bottle of wine at orbital speed, that's probably for the best.
Sat Jan 20 11:16:31 2024
They didn't bring us a gift, but considering the kinetic energy of a bottle of wine at orbital speed, that's probably for the best.
Mon Jan 22 17:16:21 2024
A video can have a log scale that's misaligned with both the time AND space axes.
Wed Jan 24 11:16:12 2024
Any time I misspell a word it's just because I have too much integrity to copy answers from the dictionary.
Fri Jan 26 21:17:14 2024
Dr. Petroff has also shown that the Higgs boson signal was actually sparks from someone microwaving grapes, the EHT black hole photo was a frozen bagel someone left in too long, and the LIGO detection was just someone slamming the microwave door too hard.
Mon Jan 29 17:16:18 2024
In addition to 'squishy', after reviewing my submitted intraplate ground motion data, the National Geodetic Survey has politely asked me to stop using the word 'supple' so often when describing Midwestern states.
Wed Jan 31 11:16:20 2024
Subway refuses to answer my questions about whether it's an International Footlong or a US Survey Footlong. A milligram of sandwich is at stake!
Fri Feb 2 12:16:17 2024
Once he had the answer, Arrhenius complained to his friends that he'd "wasted over a full year" doing tedious calculations by hand about "so trifling a matter" as hypothetical CO2 concentrations in far-off eras (quoted in Crawford, 1997).
Mon Feb 5 12:16:15 2024
Good to be a little wary of advice that sounds too much like a self pep talk.
Wed Feb 7 17:16:13 2024
I'm sure the building inspectors will approve my design once they finally manage to escape.
Fri Feb 9 11:16:10 2024
It's a linear extrapolation, Michael. How big could the error be? 10%?
Mon Feb 12 21:16:41 2024
Baseballs do present a challenge to this theory, but I'm convinced we just haven't found the right seasoning.
Wed Feb 14 17:16:15 2024
Focus of your research: EXTREME PETTINESS AND UNWILLINGNESS TO LET ANYTHING GO
Fri Feb 16 23:16:21 2024
[earlier] "Your vintage-style handmade chest business is struggling. But I have a plan."
Mon Feb 19 17:16:12 2024
Also, we would really appreciate it if you could prominently refer to it as an 'eHit'.
Wed Feb 21 11:16:10 2024
When Pope Gregory XIII briefly shortened the light-year in 1582, it led to navigational chaos and the loss of several Papal starships.
Fri Feb 23 21:16:19 2024
"Some people say light is waves, and some say it's particles, so I bet light is some in-between thing that's both wave and particle depending on how you look at it. Am I right?" "YES, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BE!"
Mon Feb 26 12:16:18 2024
[later] I'm pleased to report we're now identifying and replacing hundreds of outdated metrics per hour.
Thu Feb 29 06:16:21 2024
'Hey, can you call my cell?' '...I'm trying, but it says this number is blocked?' 'Ok, thanks, just checking.'
Fri Mar 1 21:16:36 2024
'Thank you for the loveliest evening I've ever had...' [normal] '...east of the Mississippi.' [instant intrigue!]
Mon Mar 4 17:16:48 2024
If you find an ash deposition layer from a year in which an eruption destroyed an island that had Camellia sinensis growing on it, you can make a Gone Island Ice_τ.
Wed Mar 6 17:16:26 2024
Actually, the fact that Mars is still orbiting safely over here means that it was technically an *Euler* apocalypse, not a Venn one.
Fri Mar 8 17:16:19 2024
'At the stroke of midnight, your brother will be hurtling sideways at an altitude of 150 meters' is a regular physics prediction about your nonmagical trebuchet, whereas 'you are cursed to build a brother-launching trebuchet' falls out of the Lagrangian.
Mon Mar 11 17:16:22 2024
I love their cover of 1,200 Balloons, Dalmatians, and Miles.
Wed Mar 13 11:16:43 2024
I love their cover of 1,200 Balloons, Dalmatians, and Miles.
Wed Mar 13 21:16:30 2024
Just think of all the countless petty squabbles and misunderstandings, of all the fervent hatreds, over so insignificant a thing as the direction and duration of a rocket engine firing.
Fri Mar 15 17:20:13 2024
Doug's cousin, the one from London, runs a Bumble love cult.
Mon Mar 18 17:17:25 2024
Astronomers are a little unsure of the applicability of this index, but NASA's Planetary Protection Officer is all in favor.
Wed Mar 20 17:16:20 2024
If you pick a low enough orbit, it gives you a lot of freedom to use a lightweight launch vehicle such as a stepladder.
Fri Mar 22 11:16:45 2024
You know that asteroid that almost destroyed Earth in the 90s? Turns out the whole thing was secretly created by Michael Bay, who then PAID Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck to look heroic while blowing it up!
Mon Mar 25 17:16:20 2024
The Mercator projection drastically distorts the size of almost every area of land except a small ring around the North and South Poles.
Wed Mar 27 17:16:17 2024
𝓘 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓴 𝓬𝓪𝓹𝓲𝓽𝓪𝓵 𝓛 𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓼𝓽 𝓯𝓾𝓷 𝓽𝓸 𝔀𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓮, 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓵𝓸𝔀𝓮𝓻𝓬𝓪𝓼𝓮 𝓺 𝓲𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓼𝓸 𝓪 𝓼𝓽𝓻𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻.
Fri Mar 29 17:16:25 2024
Cesium-133, let it be. Cesium-134, let it be even more.
Mon Apr 1 23:16:18 2024
A partial eclipse is like a cool sunset. A total eclipse is like someone broke the sky.
Wed Apr 3 12:16:18 2024
The rare compound solar-lunar-nephelogical eclipse
Fri Apr 5 21:16:16 2024
The rare compound solar-lunar-nephelogical eclipse
Sat Apr 6 12:16:45 2024
The Credible Machine
Tue Apr 9 06:16:09 2024
The most rare, top-tier eclipse photo would be the Solar Earth Eclipse, but the Apollo 12 crew's attempt to capture it was marred by camera shake. They said it looked spectacular, though.
Tue Apr 9 11:16:18 2024
The most rare, top-tier eclipse photo would be the Solar Earth Eclipse, but the Apollo 12 crew's attempt to capture it was marred by camera shake. They said it looked spectacular, though.
Thu Apr 11 06:16:14 2024
If you're really savvy, you can hide an entire set of illicit transactions by timing them to draw what looks like a graph inset.
Fri Apr 12 23:16:18 2024
First comes blood / Then we perish / Then comes Death in his Eternity Carriage.
Tue Apr 16 06:16:50 2024
Fun fact: The standard North American NAD83 coordinate system is misaligned from the actual Earth, off-center by about 7 feet. Someone knows where I am, and I'm in the wrong place.
Thu Apr 18 06:16:11 2024
Okay, this eclipse will only be visible from the Arctic in February 2063, when the sun is below the horizon, BUT if we get lucky and a gigantic chasm opens in the Earth in just the right spot...
Fri Apr 19 11:16:21 2024
Bonus question: Where is London located? (a) The British Isles (b) Great Britain and Northern Ireland (c) The UK (d) Europe (or 'the EU') (e) Greater London
Mon Apr 22 21:16:20 2024
Concealed mostly beneath the surface, sharks are the icebergs of the sea.
Wed Apr 24 11:16:19 2024
The creepy fingers that grow from a vibrating cornstarch-water mix can be modeled as a chain of inverted vertical pendulums (DOI:10.1039/c4sm00265b) and are believed to be the fingers of Maxwell's Demon trying to push through into our universe.
Fri Apr 26 17:17:08 2024
It's not far from the sign marking the exact latitude and longitude of the Earth's core.
Mon Apr 29 17:16:14 2024
The Doppler effect is a mysterious wavelength-shifting phenomenon which seems to primarily affect sirens, which is why the 🚨 emoji is red.
Wed May 1 11:18:07 2024
Poor Weeoming.
Fri May 3 21:16:13 2024
The company tried to document how often employees were celebrating Software Testing Day, but their recordkeeping system kept mysteriously crashing.
Tue May 7 06:16:13 2024
While it seemed like a fun prank at the time, I realize my prank fire extinguishers full of leaded gasoline were a mistake.
Tue May 7 17:16:14 2024
While it seemed like a fun prank at the time, I realize my prank fire extinguishers full of leaded gasoline were a mistake.
Wed May 8 21:16:55 2024
From Google Trends, it looks like the lag between people Googling cocktail recipes and 'hangover cure' is 14 hours.
Fri May 10 17:16:16 2024
Certain hybrid events can only happen in certain locations where all the conditions are present; chasers flock to the area in and around Kansas known as tumbleweed-colliding-with-possum alley.
Mon May 13 17:16:13 2024
Certain hybrid events can only happen in certain locations where all the conditions are present; chasers flock to the area in and around Kansas known as tumbleweed-colliding-with-possum alley.
Mon May 13 23:16:12 2024
This PSA brought to you by several would-be assassins who tried to wave me in front of speeding cars in the last month and who will have to try harder next time.
Tue May 14 21:16:19 2024
This PSA brought to you by several would-be assassins who tried to wave me in front of speeding cars in the last month and who will have to try harder next time.
Wed May 15 17:16:15 2024
==COSMOLOGY==> 'Uhhh ... how sure are we that everything is made of these?'
Fri May 17 17:16:15 2024
Sometimes, you can tell Bloom filters are the wrong tool for the job, but when they're the right one you can never be sure.
Mon May 20 17:16:13 2024
I can't believe they wouldn't even let me hold a vote among the passengers about whether to try the loop.
Wed May 22 17:16:15 2024
Karpov's construction of a series of increasingly large rice cookers led to a protracted deadlock, but exponential growth won in the end.
Thu May 23 23:16:15 2024
Karpov's construction of a series of increasingly large rice cookers led to a protracted deadlock, but exponential growth won in the end.
Fri May 24 17:16:13 2024
Sorry to make you memorize this random string of digits. If it helps, it can also double as a mnemonic for remembering your young relatives' birthdays, if they happened to have been born on February 5th, 2018.
Sat May 25 17:16:17 2024
Sorry to make you memorize this random string of digits. If it helps, it can also double as a mnemonic for remembering your young relatives' birthdays, if they happened to have been born on February 5th, 2018.
Mon May 27 17:16:16 2024
Cosmologists estimate the spaghetti strand to be about 200 septillion calories, though it could be higher depending on the nutritional value of dark matter.
Wed May 29 17:16:10 2024
PERPETUALLY OPTIMISTIC CASE: Early in the execution, our research group makes a breakthrough on proving P=NP.
Fri May 31 17:16:18 2024
My bold criticism might anger the hot air balloon people, which would be a real concern if any of them lived along a very narrow line directly upwind of me.
Mon Jun 3 17:16:16 2024
It's believed that Golgi was originally an independent organism who was eventually absorbed into our cells, where he began work on his Apparatus.
Sat Jun 8 09:06:28 2024
I'm an H⁺ denier, in that I refuse to consider loose protons to be real hydrogen, so I personally believe it stands for 'pretend'.
Mon Jun 10 12:16:48 2024
The ten-way tie was judged a ten-way tie, so no one won the grand prize, a rare fishing monopole.
Thu Jun 13 00:16:20 2024
In addition to eating foxes, rabbits can eat grass. The grass also eats foxes. Our equations chart the contours of Fox Hell.
Fri Jun 14 22:16:21 2024
'Oh yeah? Give me 50 milliscore reasons why I should stop.'
Mon Jun 17 22:16:28 2024
In contrast to Pascal's Wager Triangle, Pascal's Triangle Wager argues that maybe God wants you to draw a triangle of numbers where each one is the sum of the two numbers above it, so you probably should, just in case.
Wed Jun 19 12:16:43 2024
An idling gas engine may be annoyingly loud, but that's the price you pay for having WAY less torque available at a standstill.
Thu Jun 20 18:23:19 2024
An idling gas engine may be annoyingly loud, but that's the price you pay for having WAY less torque available at a standstill.
Fri Jun 21 22:16:26 2024
If you repeatedly rerun the development of technological civilization, it turns out that for some reason the only constant is that there is always a networking utility called 'netcat', though it does a different thing in each one.
Mon Jun 24 18:16:32 2024
We're right under the flight path for the scheduled orbital launch, but don't worry--it's too cold out for the rockets to operate safely, so I'm sure they'll postpone.
Tue Jun 25 07:16:19 2024
We're right under the flight path for the scheduled orbital launch, but don't worry--it's too cold out for the rockets to operate safely, so I'm sure they'll postpone.
Wed Jun 26 22:16:27 2024
Although Kansas is widely thought to contain the geographic center of the contiguous 48 states, topologists now believe that it's actually their outer edge.
Fri Jun 28 18:16:29 2024
The worst was the time they accidentally held the can upside down and froze all the Earth's magma chambers solid.
Tue Jul 2 00:16:24 2024
They originally came here to try to investigate our chemtrail technology, and got increasingly frustrated when all their samples turned out to just be water ice with trace amounts of jet exhaust.
Tue Jul 2 22:16:14 2024
They originally came here to try to investigate our chemtrail technology, and got increasingly frustrated when all their samples turned out to just be water ice with trace amounts of jet exhaust.
Thu Jul 4 00:16:29 2024
’"‘”’" means "I edited this text on both my phone and my laptop before sending it"
Fri Jul 5 07:16:11 2024
’"‘”’" means "I edited this text on both my phone and my laptop before sending it"
Fri Jul 5 22:16:16 2024
Ugh, and we JUST went through this yesterday with javelin.
Mon Jul 8 18:16:17 2024
Attention all passengers: This is an express sequence to infinity. If your stop is not a power of two, please disembark now.
Wed Jul 10 18:16:17 2024
Hint: If you ever encounter this puzzle in a crossword app, just [term for someone with a competitive and high-achieving personality].
Wed Jul 10 22:16:16 2024
Hint: If you ever encounter this puzzle in a crossword app, just [term for someone with a competitive and high-achieving personality].
Fri Jul 12 18:16:15 2024
Anadromous fish are more vulnerable in rivers, since the lack of salt means you can quickly crack passwords using rainbow trout tables.
Tue Jul 16 00:16:12 2024
Einstein's theories solved a longstanding mystery about Mercury: Why it gets so hot. "It's because," he pointed out, "the sun is right there."
Thu Jul 18 00:16:18 2024
IMO the thymus is one of the coolest organs and we should really use it in metaphors more.
Fri Jul 19 13:16:14 2024
We were going to try swordfighting, but all my compiling is on hold.
Mon Jul 22 22:16:12 2024
Hard to imagine political rhetoric more microtargeted at me than 'I love Venn diagrams. I really do, I love Venn diagrams. It's just something about those three circles.'
Wed Jul 24 22:16:09 2024
People think power over ethernet is so great, and yet when I try to do water over ethernet everyone yells at me.
Sat Jul 27 07:16:16 2024
Thankfully for everyone involved, the Winter Olympics officials spotted me and managed to stop me before I got to the ski jump.
Tue Jul 30 00:16:16 2024
Buildings constructed from softer materials were damaged by chili pepper impacts to the storm's high Richter-Fujita-Scoville-Mohs hardness rating.
Wed Jul 31 13:16:13 2024
Calligraphy exam: Write down the number 37, spelled out, nicely.
Fri Aug 2 22:16:20 2024
He was the first person to land a 900, which is especially impressive because pulling off a half-integer spin requires obeying Fermi-Dirac statistics.
Mon Aug 5 22:16:15 2024
This only makes it more urgent that we adopt my roadmap for the next 10 years, which should put us solidly in the lead.
Wed Aug 7 07:16:18 2024
[Political pundit on the ScrabbleTV News channel] "After four years of defying orthographic pressure, Joe ceded the top of the ticket to Kamala, who--after considering Josh, Mark, Andy, Roy, and Pete--picked Tim."
Fri Aug 9 22:16:10 2024
If you hold the meteor too long, it may imprint on you and form a contact binary, making reintroduction to space difficult.
Mon Aug 12 22:23:24 2024
If we can get a brood of 13-year cicadas going, we might have a chance at making this happen before the oceans evaporate under the expanding sun.
Thu Aug 15 00:16:17 2024
Our lawyers were worried because it turns out the company inherits its debt from the parent universe, but luckily cosmic inflation reduced it to nearly zero.
Fri Aug 16 18:16:15 2024
They left the belt drive in place but switched which wheel was powered, so people could choose between a regular ride, a long ride, and a REALLY long ride.
Mon Aug 19 18:16:22 2024
We're considering installing a pressurization system to keep the tanks at constant pressure solely to deter them.
Wed Aug 21 13:16:13 2024
Personally I think mercury is more of a 'wet earth' hybrid element.
Fri Aug 23 13:16:16 2024
Many a hungry time traveler has Googled 'trilobites shellfish allergy' only to find their carrier had no coverage in the Ordovician.
Mon Aug 26 22:16:31 2024
The secret fourth kind is 'we applied a standard theory to their map of every tree and got some suspicious results.'
Wed Aug 28 18:16:14 2024
At least they're not alone down there.
Sat Aug 31 00:16:21 2024
During the day it also activates for neat clouds and pretty sunsets.
Mon Sep 2 22:16:13 2024
Hey, golf balls float on lava, so this should make recovering them from the hazards easier.
Wed Sep 4 22:16:11 2024
In my reboot, Dennis the Menace was just trying to send Mr. Wilson a nice comet, but accidentally wiped out his dinosaur garden.
Fri Sep 6 22:16:16 2024
You'd think the most expensive part would be the quark-gluon plasma chamber, but it's actually usually the tube to the top of the atmosphere to carry the cosmic rays down.
Tue Sep 10 00:16:21 2024
My competitors say the tiny single tiny caster is unsafe, unstable, and offers no advantages over traditional designs, to which I say: wow, why are you guys so mean? I thought we were friends!
Wed Sep 11 18:16:15 2024
Their calculations show it will 'pass within the distance of the moon' but that it 'will not hit the moon, so what's the point?'
Fri Sep 13 18:16:26 2024
It's annoying that the Nastapoka Arc isn't a meteor impact crater, but I truly believe that--with enough time, effort, and determination--we could make it one.
Tue Sep 17 07:16:13 2024
Conveniently for everyone, it turns out that dark energy is produced by subterranean parasitoid wasps.
Wed Sep 18 18:16:13 2024
The worst is when you wipe out in the barrel and you're trapped for several million years until erosion frees you.
Fri Sep 20 18:17:50 2024
The local police, building inspector, and fire marshal are all contesting my 'safety' assertion, or would be if they could reach me past all the traps.
Tue Sep 24 00:17:50 2024
Hopefully the HVAC people set it to only affect the AIR in the room.
Wed Sep 25 18:16:21 2024
Our nucleic acid recovery techinques found a great deal of homo sapiens DNA incorporated into the fossils, particularly the ones containing high levels of resin, leading to the theory that these dinosaurs preyed on the once-dominant primates.
Fri Sep 27 18:16:19 2024
Under quantum tax law, photons sent through a beamsplitter don't actually choose which path they took, or incur a tax burden, until their wavefunction collapses when the power is sold.
Mon Sep 30 18:16:26 2024
The Watership Down rabbits removed an additional 0.1 nanometers constructing their warren, although that was mostly soil. British rabbits have historically mined very little coal; the sole rabbit-run coal plant was shut down in the 1990s.
Tue Oct 1 18:16:13 2024
The Watership Down rabbits removed an additional 0.1 nanometers constructing their warren, although that was mostly soil. British rabbits have historically mined very little coal; the sole rabbit-run coal plant was shut down in the 1990s.
Wed Oct 2 22:16:17 2024
Add main-belt asteroids to taste.
Fri Oct 4 22:16:15 2024
I see white shores, and beyond it, a far green country under a tequila sunrise.
Sun Oct 6 00:16:13 2024
I see white shores, and beyond it, a far green country under a tequila sunrise.
Mon Oct 7 18:16:28 2024
The distinctive 'UCLA comma' and 'Michigan comma' are a long string of commas at the start and end of the sentence respectively.
Wed Oct 9 18:16:19 2024
There's a heated debate over whether the big island of Tierra del Fuego should qualify for membership.
Fri Oct 11 12:16:34 2024
If any of you want to meet some cool local oxygen atoms, I can introduce you!
Mon Oct 14 18:16:14 2024
It's a real accomplishment to mess up a ravioli recipe badly enough that the resulting incident touches all four quadrants of the NFPA hazard diamond.
Wed Oct 16 18:16:13 2024
This projection distorts both area and direction, but preserves Melbourne.
Sat Oct 19 00:16:11 2024
Our experiment will be expensive, but we believe it will produce important spin-offs, especially if we manage to hit the sun from the right angle.
Mon Oct 21 18:16:22 2024
In my new scale, °X, 0 is Earths' record lowest surface temperature, 50 is the global average, and 100 is the record highest, with a linear scale between each point and adjustment every year as needed.
Wed Oct 23 13:16:21 2024
Disney lore: Canonically, because of how Elsa's abiogenesis powers work, Olaf is an RNA-only organism.
Fri Oct 25 12:16:29 2024
The number one rule of string manipulation is that you’ve got to specify your encodings.
Mon Oct 28 12:16:13 2024
You do have to be careful, though--sometimes, instead of water, you hit this free fuel that you can sell for a lot of money instead.
Mon Oct 28 13:16:12 2024
You do have to be careful, though--sometimes, instead of water, you hit this free fuel that you can sell for a lot of money instead.
Wed Oct 30 18:16:26 2024
We were disappointed that the rocket didn't make a THOOOONK noise when it went into the tube, but we're setting up big loudspeakers for future launches to add the sound effect.
Fri Nov 1 12:16:29 2024
Though they do appreciate how much he improved the heating system for the flame pit.
Mon Nov 4 18:16:33 2024
"One popular strategy is to enter an emotional spiral. Could that be the right approach? We contacted several researchers who are experts in emotional spirals to ask them, but none of them were in a state to speak with us."
Thu Nov 7 00:16:36 2024
These rocks are from a time before eyes, brains, and bones, pieces of a land warmed by an unseen sun.
Sat Nov 9 00:16:23 2024
"10 minutes ago we were down to only 2 0s!" "How many do we have now?" "I ... don't know!!"
Mon Nov 11 22:16:20 2024
There's a maximum likelihood that I'm doing phylogenetics wrong.
Tue Nov 12 22:16:29 2024
There's a maximum likelihood that I'm doing phylogenetics wrong.
Wed Nov 13 07:16:15 2024
They had BETTER make this a sample return mission.
Fri Nov 15 12:17:57 2024
Dinosaur Cosmics
Sat Nov 16 07:16:27 2024
Dinosaur Cosmics
Mon Nov 18 22:16:22 2024
The real key was inventing the windmill-powered winch.
Wed Nov 20 12:16:23 2024
Sometimes, you have to sacrifice pieces to gain the advantage. Sometimes, to advance ... you have to fall back.
Fri Nov 22 22:16:18 2024
Look, you can't complain about this after giving us so many scenarios involving N locked chests and M unlabeled keys.
Mon Nov 25 18:16:23 2024
We also should really have checked that the old water tower was disconnected from the water system before we started filling it with compressed air.
Wed Nov 27 18:16:30 2024
Our sysadmin accidentally won a Nobel Prize while trying to debug neutrino oscillation error correction.
Fri Nov 29 12:16:23 2024
Hmm, they won't do in-flight delivery, so let's order a new first and second stage to our emergency landing site and then try to touch down on top of them to save time.
Mon Dec 2 12:16:18 2024
The growth rate of items per day may may seem absurd, but it's actually much less than the acceleration in the 12 Days of Christmas song.
Wed Dec 4 18:16:41 2024
The growth rate of items per day may may seem absurd, but it's actually much less than the acceleration in the 12 Days of Christmas song.
Wed Dec 4 22:16:24 2024
Stockfish 16 suggests the unconventional opening 1. RuntimeError: Out of bounds memory access
Fri Dec 6 18:16:26 2024
And even when they're not distracted, they usually get kicked out for illegal under-the-net 'subduction spikes'.
Tue Dec 10 00:16:21 2024
No, of course we don't microwave the mug WITH the teabag in it. We microwave the teabag separately.
Wed Dec 11 18:16:21 2024
It works because a nautical mile is based on a degree of latitude, and the Earth (e) is a circle.
Fri Dec 13 13:16:29 2024
In the aviation world, they don't use AM/PM times. Instead, all times are assumed to be AM unless they're labeled NOTAM.
Mon Dec 16 12:16:18 2024
Even when you try to make nice, smooth ice cubes in a freezer, sometimes one of them will shoot out a random ice spike, which physicists ascribe to kiki conservation.
Wed Dec 18 07:16:26 2024
The best case is O(n), and the worst case is that someone checks why.
Fri Dec 20 22:16:25 2024
Fermions are weird about each other in a standoffish way. Integer-spin particles are weird about each other in a 'stand uncomfortably close while talking' kind of way.
Mon Dec 23 22:16:22 2024
Under some circumstances, if you throw a D8 and then a D12 at an enemy, thanks to the D8's greater pointiness you actually have to roll a D12 and D8 respectively to determine damage.
Wed Dec 25 22:16:22 2024
C'mon, ESA Solar Orbiter team, just give the Parker probe a LITTLE nudge at aphelion. Crash it into the sun. Fulfill the dream of Icarus. It is your destiny.